Call me stoopid

[Toodamnpragmatic]

We know women (and am generalizing) also look for that emotional connection. Men may have EA's, but if they are ready to lose it all (or 50%) and again am generalizing in a patriarchal society, where they may have an important position and generally earn more, are not screwing unattractive women when sex is good and frequent at home.

 

And please...... lots of ways to prepare lobster......

Edited October 30, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic

[BetrayedH]

I had an affair on my wife (RA) because I was a broken person at the time. My AP wasn't my "type." It was about wanting external validation and opportunity.

[Furious]

We know women (and am generalizing) also look for that emotional connection. Men may have EA's, but if they are ready typo to lose it all (or 50%) and again am generalizing in a patriarchal society, where they may have an important position and generally earn more, are not screwing unattractive women when sex is good and frequent at home.

 

And please...... lots of ways to prepare lobster......

 

 

In my demographic, most of the women I know are professionals who earn as much or more than their husband. Females outnumber males in college and the 1950's are long gone with the stay at home wives.

 

If my husband and I were to divorce he would not have to pay a cent of alimony.

Of course we'd both be entitled to 50/50 of our home value and other assets. I wouldn't be crying about it, it's only fair.

[ladydesigner]

In my demographic, most of the women I know are professionals who earn as much or more than their husband. Females outnumber males in college and the 1950's are long gone with the stay at home wives.

 

If my husband and I were to divorce he would not have to pay a cent of alimony.

Of course we'd both be entitled to 50/50 of our home value and other assets. I wouldn't be crying about it, it's only fair.

 

I know I am a professional and my WH is not. I would most likely be paying out the alimony.

[Furious]

I know I am a professional and my WH is not. I would most likely be paying out the alimony.

 

This is becoming more of a reality to professional women.

[underwater2010]

But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home?

 

Because they are selfish and have the opportunity. Not to mention that she is easy pickings.

 

Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting good steady sex at home.

 

In some case it is true, in others not so much. That is why each poster's situation needs to be taken on a case by case basis.

 

To me that seems so counter intuitive.

 

Which is why a lot of BWs are taken by surprise. Trust me when I say I was.

 

I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat.

 

I agree that many do not PLAN it. After all, we tend to hear a lot how it just happened. I think a lot of them start by enjoying a little extra attention and it progresses from there. Hell, after talking with a serial cheater the other night it hit me that more often then not most people enjoy the talk, but cannot walk the walk.

 

The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex.

 

Not always true and you can see that by the responses from the men on this site. They may be getting plenty of sex but it is not how they want it or they are just plain intrigued by something new. But most of the time I think it just comes down to the extra ego boost they get.

 

I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league......

 

Because most of the women below their BW's look tend to be the easy pickings. You know what we are talking about the ones that are ignored while their friends get hit on. Usually they have low self worth and/or crave major attention.

 

W

 

You can call me shallow too:p;).

 

Not stupid, just curious.

[Artie Lang]

beauty(attraction) is in eye of the beholder.

 

and what if the AP was better looking than BS... what then?

 

 

it seems that cheating stems from a lack of something, whether it be in the marriage or a personal issue.

 

 

i tend to believe it's an escapist mentality. some people can't handle the ups and downs of a true relationship, so they resort to playing in fantasyland. this at the expense of the poor soul who's holding up to their end of the bargain of not straying when the going gets tough.

Edited October 30, 2013 by Artie Lang

[sweet_pea]

I think it's more about who makes themselves available to have an affair. If there is an attractive person who makes themselves unavailable/turns down the cheaters advances/makes it known that they aren't going to be in an affair but also a less-than-attractive person makes it known that they are down for the affair/doesn't have any problems with engaging in an affair/agrees with it, who do you think the cheater will choose?

Edited October 30, 2013 by sweet_pea
my grammar tonight, man.... lol

[Realist3]

So what your saying is... Your selfish and greedy for your kids time and therefore won't leave the dysfunction for your W. i'm sureyour kids would thank you for remaining in this situation because of them. I think most offspring would like to be blamed...

 

But wait, your wife knows. So you are in an open relationship.

 

Your POV is different because of this. Your wife and you both choose to stay with things being a they are. It isn't a one sided decision... Like it is for your MOW.

 

She has made that decision.

[2sure]

But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home?

 

Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting good steady sex at home.

 

To me that seems so counter intuitive. I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat.

 

The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league......

 

You can call me shallow too:p;).

 

It isn't shallow or stoopid , I think anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand would think the same. I know I did, before I had the following experience.

 

I was OW, of the worst kind probably. I had affairs, over the course of years with several MM. Each one of them was having a full relationship with their wife. As far as they told me, they were happily married. These were successful and attractive men. I know they weren't serial cheaters, but I wouldn't swear I was their first or last OW. They were happy , they just wanted more. I had the opportunity to see, or see pictures of their families. I was surprised, but I was not better looking or that much younger than their wives.

 

Fast forward, I put those days behind me and married. Attractive guy, successful , high profile, we made a good team in everyday. He turned out to be a serial cheater . Without getting into my own karma etc. I can tell you that he loved being married to me. At divorce , he came up with a diagnosis of NPD, so he doesn't fit the usual. But, I can tell you that his OW were a variety of average women. No one stellar, no one very much his type, some totally not. He didnt pursue sex primarily. He explained it by saying he chose women that would be impressed and like him without his expending too much effort.

 

So, those are my experiences. And I don't think they are unusual, but they are different than I would have thought .

[BetrayedH]

It isn't shallow or stoopid , I think anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand would think the same. I know I did, before I had the following experience.

 

I was OW, of the worst kind probably. I had affairs, over the course of years with several MM. Each one of them was having a full relationship with their wife. As far as they told me, they were happily married. These were successful and attractive men. I know they weren't serial cheaters, but I wouldn't swear I was their first or last OW. They were happy , they just wanted more. I had the opportunity to see, or see pictures of their families. I was surprised, but I was not better looking or that much younger than their wives.

 

Fast forward, I put those days behind me and married. Attractive guy, successful , high profile, we made a good team in everyday. He turned out to be a serial cheater . Without getting into my own karma etc. I can tell you that he loved being married to me. At divorce , he came up with a diagnosis of NPD, so he doesn't fit the usual. But, I can tell you that his OW were a variety of average women. No one stellar, no one very much his type, some totally not. He didnt pursue sex primarily. He explained it by saying he chose women that would be impressed and like him without his expending too much effort.

 

So, those are my experiences. And I don't think they are unusual, but they are different than I would have thought .

 

This was a good post. I most identified with the "just wanting more" part of it. It's actually "exactly" what I was going to say about my wife's affair but the thread was about men. Even though we had a great life at home, my wife always wanted more. She came from a very self-entitled family. I also think she lacked the courage to address anything. She avoided it.

[xxoo]

OP, do you really think that every kind of bored married man, with an attractive wife and regular sex at home (but maybe in a rut, as happens) will easily turn down the affections of an attentive woman on the side?

 

I think a lot more men would find it "just happens" than you think.....

 

People take each other for granted until they screw up enough and realize what they've risked.

[jnel921]

There are many reasons people cheat. The problem a lot of BS have here, I know firsthand myself from my first M is ego.

 

Once you let that go it doesn't matter what the OP looks like. It is the actions that are more important.

[HtotheN]

But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home?

 

Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting good steady sex at home.

 

To me that seems so counter intuitive. I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat.

 

The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league......

 

You can call me shallow too:p;).

 

I think that all affairs are different. I think that the AP type may have something to do with the "why" of the affair. For those men who have been rejected at home, looks may not play a big part. In fact, I think that those men often choose women who aren't even half as good looking as the wife because those men want to make sure that they are not going to be rejected. At least that's been my experience from my serial cheater WH. All of them, every single one of them was either homely, obese (or both), and one seriously looks very mannish. I initially found that insulting but after thinking about why, it did not bother me. Not all men "affair down" but mine most certainly did. Color ME shallow, but if I were to ever risk everything for an affair, he would have to be hawt and have a wonderful personality. Sorry; I just realized that I probably did not need to answer this since my WH is a serial cheater.

Edited October 31, 2013 by HtotheN
left a few words out

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It isn't shallow or stoopid , I think anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand would think the same. I know I did, before I had the following experience.

 

I was OW, of the worst kind probably. I had affairs, over the course of years with several MM. Each one of them was having a full relationship with their wife. As far as they told me, they were happily married. These were successful and attractive men. I know they weren't serial cheaters, but I wouldn't swear I was their first or last OW. They were happy , they just wanted more. I had the opportunity to see, or see pictures of their families. I was surprised, but I was not better looking or that much younger than their wives.

 

Fast forward, I put those days behind me and married. Attractive guy, successful , high profile, we made a good team in everyday. He turned out to be a serial cheater . Without getting into my own karma etc. I can tell you that he loved being married to me. At divorce , he came up with a diagnosis of NPD, so he doesn't fit the usual. But, I can tell you that his OW were a variety of average women. No one stellar, no one very much his type, some totally not. He didnt pursue sex primarily. He explained it by saying he chose women that would be impressed and like him without his expending too much effort.

 

So, those are my experiences. And I don't think they are unusual, but they are different than I would have thought .

 

And 2Sure yours is a cautionary tale...... I am sure all your MM`s were serial cheaters or fell into an affair because of what they missed at home and they can paint it many ways, but generally it is sex......

 

NPD`s (how nice he was diagnosed with that perfectly apropos disease after cheating many a time, seems like a chickn and egg scenario;)) I think probably apply to all serial cheaters as they want to just feel that power and have the ability. Thankfully there are less women who suffer NPD or I`d be scared how much more cheating would be going on.

 

Yes affairs happen and usually it is because of a number of factors, but to me, the risk better be worth the reward.....

[solostand]

OW here. I am in the more attractive than the wife category. Also 17 years younger. I have men hitting on me every day, which I suppose begs the question why continue in an affair? My issues I guess.

 

Anyway, what I have learned in the past year is that I actually LISTEN to MM and he has lots to say. Even if its about the minute details of his day, he wants someone to HEAR him. So I enjoy hearing all about his silly escapades and we laugh about them. (Same goes for me, he listens to mine).

 

He also said I carry myself with such confidence that I throw out a powerful aura, which he is attracted to.

 

Now he has admitted he was first attracted to me because I was hot - no doubt about it. But as our friendship grew we found we actually really liked each other. Now its love.

 

I make him feel manly. I guessed right away that he was feeling emasculated at home so I made a real effort to point out his manliness when I saw it. He loves it!

 

Oh and its true, they love their egos boosted. He has often called me "solostand-egobooster.com" He laps it up like a thirsty puppy.

[dichotomy]

I make him feel manly.

 

He laps it up like a thirsty puppy.

 

 

uh oh.....

 

Next time he says this ask "why do you need me or anyone to make you feel manly - are you or aren't you?". You will be helping him more this way.

[96nole]

This was a good post. I most identified with the "just wanting more" part of it. It's actually "exactly" what I was going to say about my wife's affair but the thread was about men. Even though we had a great life at home, my wife always wanted more. She came from a very self-entitled family. I also think she lacked the courage to address anything. She avoided it.

Same with my ex. She focused on what she didn't have as opposed to what she had. To quote her: "I want what everybody else has."

I have no idea how I could have filled that request. I don't think the garage would have been big enough.

[2sure]

And 2Sure yours is a cautionary tale...... I am sure all your MM`s were serial cheaters or fell into an affair because of what they missed at home and they can paint it many ways, but generally it is sex......

 

NPD`s (how nice he was diagnosed with that perfectly apropos disease after cheating many a time, seems like a chickn and egg scenario;)) I think probably apply to all serial cheaters as they want to just feel that power and have the ability. Thankfully there are less women who suffer NPD or I`d be scared how much more cheating would be going on.

 

Yes affairs happen and usually it is because of a number of factors, but to me, the risk better be worth the reward.....

 

I totally agree with you. But I think more people do it just to do it. Having an OW to some men, is an entitlement, a right of passage , a hobby. That's all there is to it. There is no magic bullet that points to the answer because often the answer is, just because.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I totally agree with you. But I think more people do it just to do it. Having an OW to some men, is an entitlement, a right of passage , a hobby. That's all there is to it. There is no magic bullet that points to the answer because often the answer is, just because.

 

Yes true many times..... Sometimes though I expect simple answers.

 

Always like you input......

[busdriver]

My OW is probably considered more conventionally attractive than my W, but that's not why I fell for her. I am attracted to her for her passion for our shared profession and her independence. She was widowed young, raised two kids on her own, all at the same time as holding down a demanding career with odd hours. I admire her. While I would be happy to share a life with her, I have a terminal medical condition and would not want to put her through that again. After Dday I was the one who had trouble with NC (and that's what brought me to LS) but you all helped me to see that letting her go was best for her and for all of us.

 

And it's all a roundabout way of saying that looks and the status that go with them aren't always the motivating factor. Sure I'd love to have a hottie on my arm like any guy, but I am so old that people would probably laugh at me anyway. In my case the bond was emotional first, the physical attraction came later.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, do you really think that every kind of bored married man, with an attractive wife and regular sex at home (but maybe in a rut, as happens) will easily turn down the affections of an attentive woman on the side?

I don't think "every" kind would but like to think, under those circumstances, most would decline. Contrary to popular opinion, we don't all think with the little head all the time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HtotheN]

Anyway, what I have learned in the past year is that I actually LISTEN to MM and he has lots to say. Even if its about the minute details of his day, he wants someone to HEAR him. So I enjoy hearing all about his silly escapades and we laugh about them. (Same goes for me, he listens to mine).

 

How many years have you listened to him versus how many years that she has, I wonder? I am sorry but I cannot remember how long you two have been in an A - a year, I think? My point is that it is much easier to be excited to be a great listener when you haven't heard the same stories over and over again, you know?

[solostand]

Oh I totally agree. Totally. Had that thought myself many times.

[xxoo]

I don't think "every" kind would but like to think, under those circumstances, most would decline. Contrary to popular opinion, we don't all think with the little head all the time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think most would, too. But I don't think "every" would. And I don't think it's incredibly rare that a man would cheat on his attractive wife when regular sex was happening at home.

 

Life is long, 50 years of marriage is a long time, and people have vulnerable times over the course of life. Some of those people will have affairs, even though their spouse is nice, attractive, and has sex with them.