Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home? Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting good steady sex at home. To me that seems so counter intuitive. I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat. The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league...... You can call me shallow too:p;).
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home? Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting sex at home. To me that seems so counter intuitive. I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat. The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league...... You can call me shallow too:p;). It's a mystery to me too. I guess the person who is feeding your ego becomes more attractive to you. I also think that the standard of who you choose to marry has nothing to do with standard of who you choose to cheat with. 11
dichotomy Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 why do men AND women ..... cheat with partners less attractive? More than a few women have confesses (coolit) that OM was not as good looking as her husband. Happens all the time. So many reasons. 1) They like "strange" or being "strange" outside the marriage bedroom 2) The AP offered some sort of emotional/physiological need - validation, self esteem, support, flattery, caring, power, etc. 3) They felt they missed out or are missing out not having more sex with different people. 4) Because it was offered and available? And so much more. Many articles written on this. 4
bentleychic Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Another option (that many here won't agree with) is that A's aren't ALWAYS (or often) just about sex and physical things. 7
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Because "new" is exciting. "Old" is not. I know what you mean...champagne and lobster can get old if it's what you're having everyday.:D:D 7
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Another option (that many here won't agree with) is that A's aren't ALWAYS (or often) just about sex and physical things. That's true...it's also about deception and lies and denying a spouse the truth they deserve. 2
Snipercatt Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league...... Your assumption isn't necessarily true. Affairs aren't necessarily about sex and physical things, or anything that is lacking in the marriage. Many times affairs are about what is lacking within the unfaithful person. 8
Realist3 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how many men have responded to this thread yet? After that question is answered, I will give you your answer. 1
Snipercatt Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how many men have responded to this thread yet? Have you posted your gender? Your profile shows gender "undeclared".
NotCamelot Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how many men have responded to this thread yet? After that question is answered, I will give you your answer. Man here......... Having an A is not always about sex. In fact, most of the time, from what I find, it is not about sex. At least it does not start that way. Think about it. In order for most people to get themselves into an affair, there is an emotional reason to begin with. There is almost always something lacking either in the marriage or in the person that leads to the affair.....whether real of envisioned, that lacking leads to the affair. The availability of another person who seems to fill those needs sets things in motion. What happens next is entirely up to those two people. So, regardless of how much sex the person is getting at home, an affair can and does happen. Now, sometimes sex can be the sole motivation for an affair. But I think the majority of genuine affairs fit the above. I do not believe a ONS is the same thing as an affair as it does not fit the definition. Now, this is my opinion. Yours may vary greatly. 3
dichotomy Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm curious as to how many men have responded to this thread yet? After that question is answered, I will give you your answer. I am a male.
ladydesigner Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 None of my WH's OW were prettier than me or had the intellect and education I have. He always found someone that worshipped the goddamn ground he walked on. I wouldn't even say they were better in bed. The MOW was 25 and he said it wasn't like the way we had sex that it was more awkward. He enjoyed the sex for the sex part but just said that the anticipation leading up to the sex was hotter than the actual sex. My xOM was not better looking than my WH. He filled an emotional need that was missing and I ate it all up. 1
Realist3 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Man here......... Having an A is not always about sex. In fact, most of the time, from what I find, it is not about sex. At least it does not start that way. Think about it. In order for most people to get themselves into an affair, there is an emotional reason to begin with. There is almost always something lacking either in the marriage or in the person that leads to the affair.....whether real of envisioned, that lacking leads to the affair. The availability of another person who seems to fill those needs sets things in motion. What happens next is entirely up to those two people. So, regardless of how much sex the person is getting at home, an affair can and does happen. Now, sometimes sex can be the sole motivation for an affair. But I think the majority of genuine affairs fit the above. I do not believe a ONS is the same thing as an affair as it does not fit the definition. Now, this is my opinion. Yours may vary greatly. Bingo! While my MOW is slightly hotter than my wife, that really was never a factor. There is a huge misconception that prevails; that men are only after the hottest piece of ass they can get. Not true. Men are often placed in this bubble of "They just want to go after the next conquest that is more attractive than what they already have." Nope. We always hear how women are more emotional, and men are more ruled by sexual desire. It's a myth. Men want to be loved just as much as women. When women that men are with break that essential need; they will look elsewhere, for a woman who appreciates them, regardless of their relative hotness to one another. It comes down to personality. 2
ladydesigner Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 so many things go into it, but all are relative and subjective. Agreed I think it is all subjective as far as physical appearances go. People should focus more on the person's character as opposed to the physical appearance. 6
waterwoman Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 H's OW was pretty and younger than me. More attractive in the round? Probably not. But she did appear to think the solar system revolved around his arse....after 30 years I was aware it didn't but loved him even so. He preferred being worshipped (until reality struck). Btw I am not beautiful and our sex life wasnt always great due to my depression and various other issues. But given the choice between her and I, well... there wasn't really any choice. 4
velvette Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 But why would a male cheat with someone not as attractive as their spouse, if they are getting regular good sex @ home? Over and over we read or are told that the AP is not as attractive as the spouse and that men having affairs are getting good steady sex at home. To me that seems so counter intuitive. I am convinced that outside those that are serial cheaters or narcissists do not plan on cheating, nor have the time or inclination to cheat. The reason one cheats is they are unhappy at home and is getting little sex. I can't understand why someone getting good sex would want more with someone not in the spouse's league...... You can call me shallow too:p;). Most men who have A are not planning to leave their M. The main criteria for someone to have an A with is that they be available for that type of R. That limits choices. And as others have said, the criteria for someone youre meeting up with a few hours a week are different than those you would apply to choosing a spouse. 7
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Bingo! While my MOW is slightly hotter than my wife, that really was never a factor. There is a huge misconception that prevails; that men are only after the hottest piece of ass they can get. Not true. Men are often placed in this bubble of "They just want to go after the next conquest that is more attractive than what they already have." Nope. We always hear how women are more emotional, and men are more ruled by sexual desire. It's a myth. Men want to be loved just as much as women. When women that men are with break that essential need; they will look elsewhere, for a woman who appreciates them, regardless of their relative hotness to one another. It comes down to personality. I guess love is subjective in an affair. I wonder how that "love" would change if you married her and took on being step dad to her children. 1
Realist3 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I guess love is subjective in an affair. I wonder how that "love" would change if you married her and took on being step dad to her children. Since you are making this personal with my situation, it wouldn't matter one iota in terms of my feeling for her. At the same time I know full well this is not going to be the Brady Bunch. I would give up my kids for her kids, full time. Would that make me happy? That is the reason we are where we are. 1
Realist3 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I get to spend every hour they are home, every holiday, every everything with my kiddos. I also get to have a relationship with someone who makes me complete. Now why would I mess that up? 2
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Since you are making this personal with my situation, it wouldn't matter one iota in terms of my feeling for her. At the same time I know full well this is not going to be the Brady Bunch. I would give up my kids for her kids, full time. Would that make me happy? That is the reason we are where we are. Since you brought up "love" I was curious as to what that really means in the context of an affair as opposed to full time relationship which includes children and of course finances and day to day obligation. Being loved is subjective if it's part time.
Furious Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I get to spend every hour they are home, every holiday, every everything with my kiddos. I also get to have a relationship with someone who makes me complete. Now why would I mess that up? So basically you're entitled. 5
velvette Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Bingo! While my MOW is slightly hotter than my wife, that really was never a factor. There is a huge misconception that prevails; that men are only after the hottest piece of ass they can get. Not true. Men are often placed in this bubble of "They just want to go after the next conquest that is more attractive than what they already have." Nope. We always hear how women are more emotional, and men are more ruled by sexual desire. It's a myth. Men want to be loved just as much as women. When women that men are with break that essential need; they will look elsewhere, for a woman who appreciates them, regardless of their relative hotness to one another. It comes down to personality. I agree with this. Of the women available for an A, men will go for the one who is best at stroking their ego especially if they feel deflated by not having it stroked by W. Course theres still the whole other question of why W no longer appreciates them which frequently has to do with their behavior in the M. Also, the question of how long OW ego stroking skills hold up if she finds herself in the position of actually living with MM on a daily basis. Since most A don't transition well to out in the open R seems the male in constant quest of unlimited ego stroking is doomed either to an A or to constantly changing their partner. 4
Journee Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I just don't think it's that simple. There are so many different scenarios it is mind boggling. Some people have never been faithful to anyone. Some do love the thrill of strange. Some are seeking love and the sex is a bonus...others seeking sex and love comes along. Some just about opportunity. My H and I didn't live together during any of his cheating. Not even in the same zipcode. The cheating happened at different times throughout our years regardless of the closeness we shared sexually and emotionally. He has never been faithful to anyone he has ever been with. He has some things he needs to work out for this. I don't think his A's were about sex. My H is man in pain from his past and he was just out there in the world. We met and never took the time to be healthy people before we committed and married. Just rug swept our way to the alter. As far as looks go. H's women were all very different. The first was average body type with short hair and a terrible attitude. She was an ex that he actually walked in on her having sex with someone else, a woman actually. The second was very full figured. The third was very, very thin and wore a long straight wig. My body type is curvy. Hour glassish I guess. I am mixed race and have a lighter complexion than what H has usually been attracted to. We are all so very different. None better or worse I guess. Just very different. 2
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