Feeling angry because I fell for his lies

[headinthecloud]

I was having a great day enjoying the beautiful weather when all of a sudden i had a flash back to the week before we split. We were on vacation and I borrowed his phone when I noticed a lot of missed calls from an 800 number. I didn't say anything about it but later that morning he said that he called about an insurance quote before we had left and they kept calling him. I didn't think about it then but it just dawned on me that he probably programmed a girl's number to read the 800 number. He often kept his phone on vibrate too when we were together.

 

I'm angry because he was playing me and I totally ignored all the red flag!! I was duped into thinking he was this great guy. It's been 3.5mos, 2.5 NC. How do you deal with the feelings of disappointment (in your judgment) and betrayal?*

[AlmostFrench]

I read back through your previous posts but to answer your question I will tell you a story.

 

A couple of years ago I was in a short relationship of 6 months. After that I found out he was married/defacto by his wife threatening to kill me. This great guy I knew vanished off the face of the earth with no excuse except he told me 'life is cruel sometimes isn't it?'. To get closure, I did a bad thing and went into his email. I found out he had another 45 year old woman on the side (he was 27) and he lied about his whole life. The business he owned, he was a salesman etc. He had fake business cards, fake CDs for his 'band' when he was younger, fake work contracts etc. I even saw his phone bill and he was talking to his wife while I was in the room and I had no idea (he said it was his brother).

 

I felt like the biggest fool in the world. My friends had said he was a bit weird, and I realized looking back I had ignored some red flags too. After that I found it hard to trust anyone. My automatic thought when a new boy was on the phone was that it could be his wife.

 

But with my current ex, everyone thought he was lovely and he still did something horrible in the end.

 

I still don't think I have gotten over those trust issues, and don't know if I will ever. But it is not always just a bad judge of character. Sometimes the nicest person does a terrible thing.

 

Do you think you are more angry at your ex or your friend? She sounds like someone who deserves a good slap too.

 

Someone told me recently, "you can't ever know if you can trust anyone. But you need to go into a relationship with trust, because you will always get over a broken heart, but you will never have a fulfilling relationship if there is no trust" I keep telling myself this, because I hope one day I will need it!

 

I am not sure if you do get over the betrayal, but one day your disappointment will turn into laughing at the two of them. Think about it, even if their relationship lasted, they could never tell their children the truth of how they both tread over someone and betrayed their trust to get together. Good luck to em!

[headinthecloud]

Sometimes the nicest person does a terrible thing.

 

Do you think you are more angry at your ex or your friend? She sounds like someone who deserves a good slap too.

 

Someone told me recently, "you can't ever know if you can trust anyone. But you need to go into a relationship with trust, because you will always get over a broken heart, but you will never have a fulfilling relationship if there is no trust" I keep telling myself this, because I hope one day I will need it!

 

This ^^ is some of the best advice on relationships I've heard. Thank you and thanks for sharing your story. It's sad to hear my experience is not unique, as I couldn't imagine what you went through given an angry wife.

 

I definitely feel more anger towards my former friend. I think a lot of my feelings of anger stems from her viciousness - she's extremely manipulative and tried to influence people to dislike me (telling them I was insecure and basically worthless...but she apparently would say "but I don't want to affect their relationship"). All the while she was telling me how wonderful I am. What an ego on her, thinking she has such power over people. I'm still astonished by people's immaturity.

 

I guess we have to be thankful that they didn't consume a larger part of our lives.

Edited October 30, 2013 by headinthecloud

[AlmostFrench]

She sounds like a total serpent! Her actions reek of jealousy. Maybe you are prettier, more intelligent, have a better job, something in your personality, etc, but in my experience people like that only try to tear you down when they see you have one up on them.

 

Have you looked up narcissistic personality disorder/sociopaths? When I went to a therapist after that married guy, she said he fit the bill completely, and reading stories on the Internet really helped me. I only bring this up because what you said with the phone seemed very similar to something he did to me a lot! There is a difference between the two disorders of course but they share similarities. I don't know either of them of course so probably shouldn't comment but she sounds like a narcissist to me.

 

Oh and I wanted to add about the red flags, I think I ignored them because I always try to see the best in people, and usually give people way more chances than I should. It sucks to feel like you were taken advantage of by both of them but know it has nothing to do with you, and I am sure that the friends she has said those things to will see through her (if they don't already) and she will end up a sad lonely person if she continues to treat people that way.

[headinthecloud]

She sounds like a total serpent! Her actions reek of jealousy. Maybe you are prettier, more intelligent, have a better job, something in your personality, etc, but in my experience people like that only try to tear you down when they see you have one up on them.

 

Have you looked up narcissistic personality disorder/sociopaths? When I went to a therapist after that married guy, she said he fit the bill completely, and reading stories on the Internet really helped me. I only bring this up because what you said with the phone seemed very similar to something he did to me a lot! There is a difference between the two disorders of course but they share similarities. I don't know either of them of course so probably shouldn't comment but she sounds like a narcissist to me.

 

Oh and I wanted to add about the red flags, I think I ignored them because I always try to see the best in people, and usually give people way more chances than I should. It sucks to feel like you were taken advantage of by both of them but know it has nothing to do with you, and I am sure that the friends she has said those things to will see through her (if they don't already) and she will end up a sad lonely person if she continues to treat people that way.

 

Thank you for the words of empathy. You could be right - maybe they are narcissists. My former friend once told me that should would do absolutely anything to get what she wants. That was a huge red flag for me which I took note of as it's quite a powerful statement and indicates her true self. A month later she threw our friendship away. And yes, luckily my true friends saw through her and stuck with me, which she didn't like so she ditched them too. She always seems to find people who are drawn in by her charm and support her. I dont understand how people can't see how venomous she is. Either way, none of it matters now. They are dust in the wind. I've moved on but the unexpected flashback seemed to linger yesterday.

 

Like you, I always try to see the best in people. But this experience has taught me to focus on my path, not others. It's been a terrible but eye-opening course of self discovery and personal growth. There is a lot more work for me to do, but thanks to you and so many others here on LS I am finally walking the path. I'm sure I'll have relapses, but it's all part of the journey.