Vulnerability is a 4 letter word....

[HopingAgain]

O.k. Fellow Reconcilers, I have a question for you and I hope someone will have an answer....

 

This vulnerability thing, how do you go about achieving it in reconciliation? How do you put yourself out there again and really start walking down the path of trusting your WS again, with your heart?

 

Instinctively, I have felt a shift in WH and my marriage these past few months. His willingness and eagerness to be there for me, his talking about the affair and his feelings about it and remorse even when I have stayed silent on the issue, his actions in general are letting me know more and more that this is REAL for him. He's not attempting to get one over on me, he's not trying to slink back into the affair or even start a new one. He's growing and becoming a more authentic person. Not even close to perfect, but it's the imperfections that let me know that this proccess is real for him. And I will be honest and say that I am the one that has no idea how to respond to this when a part of me is perfectly content to stay in a place where I "know" that I can never trust him again. That was a horrible awful feeling but it was a SAFE feeling, because I thought I knew what to expect and now I don't.

 

Did anyone else go through this? I also worry because this is only almost 9 months out from Dday and I was comfortable with taking a good 2 years at least before I even begain to start thinking about becoming the slightest bit vulnerable again! I still subscribe to trust but verify and probably always will, but with regards to my heart its just softening to him in ways that I didn't expect so soon.

[ladydesigner]

I am so happy you posted this. I just posted a similar issue on another forum about just this issue. I am 20 months out from Dday and a year out from the last Dday and my WH is doing the same. It is me who is now shutting down and not sure. I look forward to reading more of the responses, especially from the old-timers.

[whatatangledweb]

I battled this very hard. I would start to feel comfortable and safe. Then that would frightened me. It was too normal. So I would lash out at my husband. I wanted him to remember the pain it caused me. I was afraid to stop checking things as I might miss something. I was more comfortable to stay on high alert.

 

Time and his actions over and over let me slowly let down my defenses. I began to believe he wanted me and was not staying for any reason other than that. I saw how he had also let himself down by cheating. It ate at him.

 

You are at a good point because you are seeing good actions on his part. It will become easier over time. It sucks to feel afraid to trust and believe the person you love so much.

[velvette]

O.k. Fellow Reconcilers, I have a question for you and I hope someone will have an answer....

 

This vulnerability thing, how do you go about achieving it in reconciliation? How do you put yourself out there again and really start walking down the path of trusting your WS again, with your heart?

 

Instinctively, I have felt a shift in WH and my marriage these past few months. His willingness and eagerness to be there for me, his talking about the affair and his feelings about it and remorse even when I have stayed silent on the issue, his actions in general are letting me know more and more that this is REAL for him. He's not attempting to get one over on me, he's not trying to slink back into the affair or even start a new one. He's growing and becoming a more authentic person. Not even close to perfect, but it's the imperfections that let me know that this proccess is real for him. And I will be honest and say that I am the one that has no idea how to respond to this when a part of me is perfectly content to stay in a place where I "know" that I can never trust him again. That was a horrible awful feeling but it was a SAFE feeling, because I thought I knew what to expect and now I don't.

 

Did anyone else go through this? I also worry because this is only almost 9 months out from Dday and I was comfortable with taking a good 2 years at least before I even begain to start thinking about becoming the slightest bit vulnerable again! I still subscribe to trust but verify and probably always will, but with regards to my heart its just softening to him in ways that I didn't expect so soon.

 

For me, it was a leap of faith, mostly in myself. Knowing that I would be ok however things turned out and that the possibility of them turning out great was worth the risk of being hurt.

 

Of course, I also felt it was a calculated risk based on his behavior similar to what you've described above as well as faith in new ways of interacting that we were practicing together.

 

In the end love is always a leap of faith. Usually though we don't stop to think before we jump.

Edited October 30, 2013 by velvette

[underwater2010]

For me, it was a leap of faith, mostly in myself. Knowing that I would be ok however things turned out and that the possibility of them turning out great was worth the risk of being hurt.

 

Of course, I also felt it was a calculated risk based on his behavior similar to what you've described above as well as faith in new ways of interacting that we were practicing together.

 

In the end love is always a leap of faith. Usually though we don't stop to think before we jump.

This....100%.

[HopingAgain]

I battled this very hard. I would start to feel comfortable and safe. Then that would frightened me. It was too normal. So I would lash out at my husband. I wanted him to remember the pain it caused me. I was afraid to stop checking things as I might miss something. I was more comfortable to stay on high alert.

 

Time and his actions over and over let me slowly let down my defenses. I began to believe he wanted me and was not staying for any reason other than that. I saw how he had also let himself down by cheating. It ate at him.

 

You are at a good point because you are seeing good actions on his part. It will become easier over time. It sucks to feel afraid to trust and believe the person you love so much.

 

Yes, frightened is the perfect way to describe. I became so anxious a few days ago I started looking through his phone and some of his stuff like mad almost hoping something suspicious would pop up and of course, nothing did and then I felt badly for doing that when his behavior lately has given me zero reason to. It's almost like I was trying to self sabotage how good things have been going. Thank God a little voice in my head told me to STOP. But yes I have experienced the lashing out at him when he is being kind, too. I was in disbelief when he started talking about how much he regrets the affair with no prompting from me or even without me bringing it up. It's like I can't believe he actually does FEEL bad about what he did. Not being discovered but actually remorseful about it happening in the first place and thinking about it even when outwardly everything seems like smooth sailing. Could it be my husband is actually HUMAN and has feelings? LOL

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. How long did the feeling last for you?

[HopingAgain]

For me, it was a leap of faith, mostly in myself. Knowing that I would be ok however things turned out and that the possibility of them turning out great was worth the risk of being hurt.

 

Of course, I also felt it was a calculated risk based on his behavior similar to what you've described above as well as faith in new ways of interacting that we were practicing together.

 

In the end love is always a leap of faith. Usually though we don't stop to think before we jump.

 

I think this is so true. That leap of Faith has always been hard for me anyway, I have a lot of FOO issues from childhood so trust is a constant challenge in general. But the good news is I am on the ledge with one foot dangling off and I'm leaning over more bit by bit. I'm ready to take the leap, just have to stop overthinking it. Love is always a risk, even in the best circumstances.

[Journee]

For me, it was a leap of faith, mostly in myself. Knowing that I would be ok however things turned out and that the possibility of them turning out great was worth the risk of being hurt.

 

Of course, I also felt it was a calculated risk based on his behavior similar to what you've described above as well as faith in new ways of interacting that we were practicing together.

 

In the end love is always a leap of faith. Usually though we don't stop to think before we jump.

 

I think the bolded is so very important. Now that an A has taken place we can take time to really wieght out things.

 

It sounds really positive that you feel you are softening to him. At some point that has to happen right? The fact that part of you is resurfacing is inspiring. I am a very affectionate person. I love touch and kind words with my partner. I think that part of me that can even physically be very open may be stunted. Emotionally and verbally I definitely convey a 'don't get too close' vibe. That keeps my H at arms length most times. Even if he is displaying affection I can't bring myself to feel comfortable enough to receive it.

 

I think time has a lot to do with all of this R stuff. 9 months is not long at all in the grand scheme and you seem to be making great progress. I envy those that are feeling certain that a.b. and c. won't/aren't happening. Not envy in a bad way lol In a 'go you!' kind of way. What a wonderful feeling. I am stuck in the I can NEVER trust him again and I have accepted that for the most part. Now that is very sad and not a place anyone should find themselves in for too long.

 

I agree that weighing out the risk/benefit is key.

[whatatangledweb]

Yes, frightened is the perfect way to describe. I became so anxious a few days ago I started looking through his phone and some of his stuff like mad almost hoping something suspicious would pop up and of course, nothing did and then I felt badly for doing that when his behavior lately has given me zero reason to. It's almost like I was trying to self sabotage how good things have been going. Thank God a little voice in my head told me to STOP. But yes I have experienced the lashing out at him when he is being kind, too. I was in disbelief when he started talking about how much he regrets the affair with no prompting from me or even without me bringing it up. It's like I can't believe he actually does FEEL bad about what he did. Not being discovered but actually remorseful about it happening in the first place and thinking about it even when outwardly everything seems like smooth sailing. Could it be my husband is actually HUMAN and has feelings? LOL

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. How long did the feeling last for you?

 

That first year was the hardest. I trust very few people so it took a year to let down more walls. The second year was easier than the first but I did have bad days. I think I made it harder on myself than it needed to be. I refused for months to believe anything he said. If he said it was sunny outside, I went and looked . I drove myself nuts with checking all day every day. I had to make myself do it once a day, then every other day, then once a week, and finally once a month. I do check the phone bill once a month now but most other things I rarely do.

 

I think it is more about when we learn to trust ourselves again, our instincts, that we allow the trust for them back.

[dichotomy]

Positively, let me say I can see that my WW has grown a lot, and changed her views on what cheating is and what are healthy boundaries. This helps some with letting go again and opening up. It is good. I actually feel loving in helping her get to this view, although more is needed.

 

However, I simply am not "that" vulnerable anymore to another person as I used to be. I only "trust" that humans are flawed beings and $h!t happens and people act selfishly and hurtful.

 

I don't view this necessarily cynical - just very practical on human nature - AND - that I worked very hard on myself esteem, worth, and ownership over my own feelings.

 

I think vulnerably and trust get messed up with fear - fear of loss, fear of hurt or pain. I don't fear much anymore - not in really in cold closed off way - more in a "captain of my own ship" way and I understand and don't fear storms. If this makes any sense.

Edited October 30, 2013 by dichotomy

[ladydesigner]

Positively, let me say I can see that my WW has grown a lot, and changed her views on what cheating is and what are healthy boundaries. This helps some with letting go again and opening up. It is good. I actually feel loving in helping her get to this view, although more is needed.

 

However, I simply am not "that" vulnerable anymore to another person as I used to be. I only "trust" that humans are flawed beings and $h!t happens and people act selfishly and hurtful.

 

I don't view this necessarily cynical - just very practical on human nature - AND - that I worked very hard on myself esteem, worth, and ownership over my own feelings.

 

I think vulnerably and trust get messed up with fear - fear of loss, fear of hurt or pain. I don't fear much anymore - not in really in cold closed off way - more in a "captain of my own ship" way and I understand and don't fear storms. If this makes any sense.

 

This is great! I guess this is what I feel, that I will never be 'That' vulnerable ever again. My past FOO issues also play into the whole having a hard time being vulnerable. My brother first broke my trust as a child by sexually abusing me so I learned young that even family cannot be trusted. So when I finally let my WH in he blasted my belief in him right out of the water with his last A.

[katielee]

I understand all this. It's just very difficult to come to terms with the fact that you really only have your own back....

[HopingAgain]

Positively, let me say I can see that my WW has grown a lot, and changed her views on what cheating is and what are healthy boundaries. This helps some with letting go again and opening up. It is good. I actually feel loving in helping her get to this view, although more is needed.

 

However, I simply am not "that" vulnerable anymore to another person as I used to be. I only "trust" that humans are flawed beings and $h!t happens and people act selfishly and hurtful.

 

I don't view this necessarily cynical - just very practical on human nature - AND - that I worked very hard on myself esteem, worth, and ownership over my own feelings.

 

I think vulnerably and trust get messed up with fear - fear of loss, fear of hurt or pain. I don't fear much anymore - not in really in cold closed off way - more in a "captain of my own ship" way and I understand and don't fear storms. If this makes any sense.

 

You've given me a lot to ponder here! I do find that as time goes on and I grow more confident that I can trust that I will be fine no matter what happens in our marriage, it frees me to show him more vulnerability.You made some great points that I am turning over in my mind now.

[yellowmaverick]

I understand all this. It's just very difficult to come to terms with the fact that you really only have your own back....

 

Yes, exactly right. It's a lonely feeling. I am very close to my children, my siblings, and my parents. But it was my husband who I thought was my life-long partner... who I expected to walk through life with.

 

Walking away from that ideal is the most difficult thing that I have ever done.

[BetrayedH]

Having divorced, I try not to act like an expert on reconciliation. I often fail at that considering that I like to hear myself talk. I guess this is one of those days.

 

If I've seen anything consistent, it's the remarkable amount of influence the wayward has on the process. A huge part of the reconciliation process is the wayward showing "consistent actions over time." It's the keystone.

 

It sounds like your husband is doing the right things. And it's making a difference for you. Frankly, I'm tempted to just say to go ahead and celebrate it. You are allowed to be happy in your marriage, you know?

 

As well, the others are absolutely right that if you want to be in any relationship that's worth being in, you're going to have to be vulnerable. Even though I divorced, I face the same struggle as you. But my GF "gets it" and that makes all the difference.

 

It's smart to stick with "trust but verify" but when things are good, go ahead and enjoy it. As much as the waywards can't be the one to say it, it's eventually up to the BS to "get over it." They do their part and then we do ours. Some people end up very happy.

[2sure]

Having divorced, I try not to be an expert on reconciliation.

I have learned however that the ability to trust does not equate to making yourself vulnerable. It comes from within, from knowing whatever happens, you're up to the risk, and will be OK.

 

And yes, it takes work to get there. Not all of reconciling is about the marriage.

You have to love yourself again too.

[Shocked Suzie]

O.k. Fellow Reconcilers, I have a question for you and I hope someone will have an answer....

 

This vulnerability thing, how do you go about achieving it in reconciliation? How do you put yourself out there again and really start walking down the path of trusting your WS again, with your heart?

 

Instinctively, I have felt a shift in WH and my marriage these past few months. His willingness and eagerness to be there for me, his talking about the affair and his feelings about it and remorse even when I have stayed silent on the issue, his actions in general are letting me know more and more that this is REAL for him. He's not attempting to get one over on me, he's not trying to slink back into the affair or even start a new one. He's growing and becoming a more authentic person. Not even close to perfect, but it's the imperfections that let me know that this proccess is real for him. And I will be honest and say that I am the one that has no idea how to respond to this when a part of me is perfectly content to stay in a place where I "know" that I can never trust him again. That was a horrible awful feeling but it was a SAFE feeling, because I thought I knew what to expect and now I don't.

 

Did anyone else go through this? I also worry because this is only almost 9 months out from Dday and I was comfortable with taking a good 2 years at least before I even begain to start thinking about becoming the slightest bit vulnerable again! I still subscribe to trust but verify and probably always will, but with regards to my heart its just softening to him in ways that I didn't expect so soon.

 

 

Take a look at Kristina Marchants web site...very good x

[ZombieEye]

I've been struggling with this too. All these replies are just what I needed to read tonight.

 

Anyone got any time machine plans though? A magic wand?