Dinozzo925 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hi, Over the years I've noticed that in every relationship I've been in since I was fourteen there is a very familiar and disturbing cycle. Usually I'll see a girl and get infatuated. I'll chase her and attain her (which is thrilling) and then there is what I think of as the "honeymoon phase". This is usually very short lived, with the exception of a honeymoon phase that lasted about three months or so. After the honeymoon phase I start to see the person very differently. I get bored, which leads to me either being repulsed by my partner or simply numb. The weird part is that I stop seeing my partner as attractive and start needing reminders from other people. What was once a beautiful and exquisite person become someone who has X,Y and Z faults. The end result is I stop being sexually attracted to the person...which is weird since I wasn't that way before. Someone will ask me who I'm dating, I'll say the persons name and the other person will say "oh she is very pretty"...so I know it's something internal. And the really weird part? As soon as I break up with the person I want them back, vehemently. Everything resets to 0 and they become that object of infatuation. WTF? This has happened over and over again for 7 years. I'm twenty-one now and I've still never experienced a relationship where I haven't resented the other person after a certain period of time. ------------------- I'm coming to terms with this problem because I'm dating this new girl now who is great on every level except one. She was a virgin when we met and comes from a repressive culture (never masturbated, never even saw a naked man before)...so the sex is pretty much only initiated and directed by me...and lackluster. We talked about this last night...but it's a really big hurdle for me considering that I like to explore new things and break routine but she is still reserved and nervous. Outside of this she's supportive, gorgeous, clean, consistent, stable and honest. Everything a man wants emotionally. I just seem to have this pursuit of novelty...or pursuit of the pursuit...so I'm never satiated.
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 you sound like you are a relationship addict. someone who loves to "fall in love" and enjoys the "honeymoon phase". might want to take a look at slaa, similar 12 step programs or a therapist.
NYC-BigKat Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hi, Over the years I've noticed that in every relationship I've been in since I was fourteen there is a very familiar and disturbing cycle. Usually I'll see a girl and get infatuated. I'll chase her and attain her (which is thrilling) and then there is what I think of as the "honeymoon phase". This is usually very short lived, with the exception of a honeymoon phase that lasted about three months or so. After the honeymoon phase I start to see the person very differently. I get bored, which leads to me either being repulsed by my partner or simply numb. The weird part is that I stop seeing my partner as attractive and start needing reminders from other people. What was once a beautiful and exquisite person become someone who has X,Y and Z faults. The end result is I stop being sexually attracted to the person...which is weird since I wasn't that way before. Someone will ask me who I'm dating, I'll say the persons name and the other person will say "oh she is very pretty"...so I know it's something internal. And the really weird part? As soon as I break up with the person I want them back, vehemently. Everything resets to 0 and they become that object of infatuation. WTF? This has happened over and over again for 7 years. I'm twenty-one now and I've still never experienced a relationship where I haven't resented the other person after a certain period of time. ------------------- I'm coming to terms with this problem because I'm dating this new girl now who is great on every level except one. She was a virgin when we met and comes from a repressive culture (never masturbated, never even saw a naked man before)...so the sex is pretty much only initiated and directed by me...and lackluster. We talked about this last night...but it's a really big hurdle for me considering that I like to explore new things and break routine but she is still reserved and nervous. Outside of this she's supportive, gorgeous, clean, consistent, stable and honest. Everything a man wants emotionally. I just seem to have this pursuit of novelty...or pursuit of the pursuit...so I'm never satiated. Your post makes me really really mad .
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You're 21. It's fairly normal. You're just not ready for a relationship yet. You'll most likely grow out of it. 1
nescafe1982 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Yes, OP, if this is a recognizable pattern for you, it might be time to talk to someone who is a professional in these matters. It's great that you recognize the problem, though. Now get into a therapists' office and see about correcting it. You will have a rewarding romantic relationship that grows into maturity as your reward. Good luck!
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Your post makes me really really mad . Yeah, me too.
nescafe1982 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You're 21. It's fairly normal. You're just not ready for a relationship yet. You'll most likely grow out of it. On the other hand, 21 is really young (I'd missed your age in original post). Kiss_andmakeup might absolutely be right. This is either a 1) maturity thing, or 2) a toxic pattern thing. Could be either... and only you could really decide
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 On the other hand, 21 is really young (I'd missed your age in original post). Kiss_andmakeup might absolutely be right. This is either a 1) maturity thing, or 2) a toxic pattern thing. Could be either... and only you could really decide agree with this, but if you are posting about it, that means you are thinking about it and searching for answers. keep taking action
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 What is action? I've set up to see a therapist on Friday. Is there anything else I should be thinking about/ doing?
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 It's weird because even though I'm 21 the school I'm in is very small, so it fosters pretty close/committed relationships instead of flings. my friends seem to adapt to this easier than I do, even the younger ones.
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 What is action? I've set up to see a therapist on Friday. Is there anything else I should be thinking about/ doing? great action step by setting up the therapist. perhaps he/she will suggest a 12 step group like slaa or other, or a book(s) to read ect. keep asking questions, growing, learning about yourself, taking suggestions ect....that is the action
Quiet Storm Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Maybe you fear deep, true intimacy. You don't want to get too close emotionally. Its not the specific person, but what they represent to you. For example, let's say that you hate feeling responsible for a woman's feelings. Regardless of whether of not a particular woman expects you to make her happy, you project that onto her and subconciously resent her for that. It could also be immaturity. You are young, your hormones prompt you to spread the seed. You don't have to act on those feelings, though. Love is not just a feeling. It is a choice, an action. It is being loving and caring towards a person, even if you don't always feel it. That's what commitment is all about. What you are feeling is lust and limerance, both of which are fleeting. It's different than love, which endures. Maybe you have just not met the one. You haven't met someone yet that you want to truly commit to. Real love often begins with lust, but transforms over time into a deeper, connected, less urgent kind of love.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hmmm, I'm going to slightly disagree with the rest. I think you just go after the wrong girls. I think you need someone with a bit of an edge, someone who'll keep you on your toes and always wondering if she's that into you. I think you might be going for girls who, after a while, become too nice and accommodating.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 ^ Maybe... It's weird, I've also noticed that I like to switch between extroverts and quieter more introverted girls. My first girlfriend was wild, the next one was tame...then I left her for my ex-fiancee who was wild, I'm currently seeing someone who is very stable and tame, but if I were to leave the relationship I'd probably be looking for someone wild again. When I'm with someone who's wild I like to see tamer traits and vice versa. Maybe there's some balance between the two I just haven't hit yet? Or maybe I just need to get this out of my system before I start looking for a serious mate.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm not talking necessarily about wild. Just a girl who's independent, doesn't need you around all the time, isn't always available to you.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You're kidding right? Girls who are very nice and accommodating are a bad thing? What in the hell? For the love of god, send those girls my while. Very nice and accommodating is part of "wife material" package. There is something seriously wrong with the OP The OP is the type of man who is best suited to the "bad girls". Just like some women go for "bad guys". You'd be amazed how many men SAY they like a nice, sweet girl and then just get bored of her. A lot of men are more turned on by the Sandy at the end of "Grease" than the one at the beginning.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 A lot of men don't deserve to date, if this is true of course it's true. Look at the OP. Look at the breakup section. Look at the posts from guys hurting because a girl is not interested, is out partying, only throws crumbs his way. The girls who offer very little and don't try to constantly please their man are the ones that many men just adore. It's the equivalent of girls going for the jerks, but many men will deny that it exists and they would just LOVE a girl who cooked, adored them, wanted to hang onto their every word. 1
pteromom Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Are you only like this in dating? Are you someone who gets bored easily, needs novelty, needs adventure, etc? Just something to think about, whether this is just your personality. If that's the case, you'll need a special girl who craves adventure, is spontaneous, and keeps you on your toes. There are women out there like that. If not, it could be that you are not realistic about what a relationship IS. Leaving the honeymoon phase is part of a relationship. Settling down into "routine" is part of a relationship. You may not be ready to really settle down. And that's ok.
pteromom Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You're kidding right? Girls who are very nice and accommodating are a bad thing? What in the hell? For the love of god, send those girls my while. Very nice and accommodating is part of "wife material" package. There is something seriously wrong with the OP Everyone is different, and the girl for you and the girl for him could be two VERY different girls.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You misunderstood. Super clingy is not the alternative to a sassy independent girl. Many men simply do not like a girl who is just nice, dependable, predictable. I'm looking for a man who is nice, decent, good character. Many women get bored by that. Same thing. So don't ever post complaining about how women only go for jerks, because it goes the same way for both sexes, and I'll be referring you back to this thread
StanMusial Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I tend to agree with other posters, you might just be sowing some wild oats. Most guys I know, myself included, outgrow that phase. Give it some time.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Two guys I know spring to mind - Guy 1. Got married because she wanted to. He wanted to get a tattoo at 30, she told him no, 30 is too old. So he didn't. She decided she was only going to work every second year, she would take a year on/year off. He worked long hours so they could afford it. Although she was an excellent cook, she refused to cook for him. He used to wish she would just at least order pizza so there was food when he got home. He told me about one time she DID order pizza, and he called her "the best wife in the world" for doing that. They went on holiday to the same place every year because she said so. He hated it. He longed for children, she said no. They divorced because she had an affair and left him. He's still in love with her to this day. She treated him like GARBAGE. He thinks none of this stuff is bad, he just wanted her to be happy. He'd tell me all this stuff while laughing, like it was cute of her. Guy 2. Kept wanting to marry his ex, she said no. Then she decided she wanted to, so she booked it. She told him how to dress, where to work. Had an affair and left him. I asked if he'd ever have her back, he said "well.... as long as she promised things would change". She could have snapped her fingers and he'd have gone running.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 I don't know if it's that I want to be mistreated...I definitely don't respect slutty girls at all...I tend to talk about them like objects to my friends...hey if they don't respect themselves... but I do think I want to have more experience under my belt, maybe that's it? Has to have something to do with being so young and not wanting to be chained down...I hope. Curiosity?
bumpyroad Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Sounds like low self esteem and/or emotional immaturity. Like you need the validation of having someone becoming interested in you/having feelings for you, then when you achieve that, you lose interest. It's a crappy way to treat people. People aren't playthings. I think you should get some therapy, try to unravel why you're doing it and break the pattern. If not for others then for yourself. You're only 21 so you could grow out of it, that part you said about "tend to talk about them like objects to my friends" definitely suggests immaturity, but as it's a pattern you keep making, I think you probably need to look at the root of why you keep doing this.
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