Is this what I have to do?

[AnyaNova]

So I realized, that one thing I have never learned how to do, and have never had to learn how to do (save in the instance of an abusive ex boyfriend where the reasons were clear and obvious, and that was years ago), is to stop caring about someone that I care about.

 

Especially when I know that they are suffering.

 

And even if he's no longer hurting over me (if you haven't read my story, our end wasn't your usual, typical deal (it could have been, but I was an idiot), or he's stuffed it and buried it (also, apparently, highly likely, given all the stuff in his life), given everything, in many ways he really is a wounded soul.

 

I have a difficult enough time when people I don't know and don't have any attachment to at all are suffering. But someone I've known and cared about?

 

In regards to him, do I have to shut that off completely? Become insensitive to his pain?

 

Is there a way that I can heal, learn to care about him in a different way, and still not blind myself to the reality of the overall life pain that he has?

[Philosoraptor]

You have to learn to care about yourself first and most. You can care about others, but not sacrifice yourself and your own well being to do so.

[lookingforbalance]

What I seem to be realizing, as I go through the coping/grief this time (as I believe I have come to understand much better what love is and isn't at this point in my life) is that you don't stop loving (or caring if you prefer) someone when you truly love them, no matter what they have done to you.

Of course you have to stand up for what you believe in, and respect yourself so that others do the same. You don't have to accept their behavior, or tolerate it in the least. But just because you can't have them as part of your life, doesn't mean the love disappears. You just learn to love them from a distance, because it hurts too much to have them be a physical part of you.

I think true, unconditional love, once you achieve it, is constant and present, it just has to change in format sometimes.

[AnyaNova]

What I seem to be realizing, as I go through the coping/grief this time (as I believe I have come to understand much better what love is and isn't at this point in my life) is that you don't stop loving (or caring if you prefer) someone when you truly love them, no matter what they have done to you.

Of course you have to stand up for what you believe in, and respect yourself so that others do the same. You don't have to accept their behavior, or tolerate it in the least. But just because you can't have them as part of your life, doesn't mean the love disappears. You just learn to love them from a distance, because it hurts too much to have them be a physical part of you.

I think true, unconditional love, once you achieve it, is constant and present, it just has to change in format sometimes.

 

This is what I think about it, when I'm not all morose. IO think this is incredibly well stated. I theorize it might also be why this thread hasn't gotten more responses, because everybody reads yours and goes, "Wow. I don't really have too much more to contribute, because that was really well said."

[lookingforbalance]

Thank you Anya, that is very sweet of you to say

[2fargone]

The way I look at it, is that it's no longer my responsability to care. I don't need to try and prevent her from making more mistakes. It actually only made things worse.