yelena Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Ok..here is the deal. I met this guy about 5 weeks ago through friends. He seemed really nice, completly my type and we hit it off. He knew that I had a short drunken fling with his friend (only kiss) but we cleared that off at the start and I told him that that guy was of no interest to me. So we hit it off and everything was great. He came one Saturday night to my place, and I took some Nyquill and I didn't respond to it very well ( I got really paranoid) so we kind of got in an arugment because I guess I wanted to find out where were we standing at - dating/friendship/friends with benefits. I know that it wasn't about sex because I was the one who pushed the sex thing, but since that Saturday he completly changed. I noticed that and spoke to him, he told me that I was rushing him and that he doesn't want a relationship. I was ok with that, but I didn't know where we stand at because around me he would act like he wants me, and he would be kissing me in public and in front of our friends, but then when I expected him to at least give me a call or whatever he would flip out that I am bugging and that is not that serious. He came over one night and gave me a hat, which totally threw me off. We had a fun evening but again it messed up my whole sence of whats going on. So first sunday after that we saw eachother at an open mic we go together, and we got into a fight, about the same stuff. I wanted to know what the hell he wants and he wanted to know what I want. I told him in the heat of the argument that I fell in love with him ( I KNOOOOOW - i was mad), and that I dont understand what he wants from me. I told him that I know he doesnt want a relationship but I can't be his friend. And he was like why do you have to be like that ( In a sweet puppy eye voice- u know what I mean).So that night ended with not resolving anything but us two yelling like darn idiots. Only thing that I did find out is that he had an issue with me having that fling with his friend. And that his friend gave him mean looks. i spoke to his friend the same night (he was there too) and told him how I felt about the guy and just to speak to him that it wont influence their friendship). I also found out from the friend that the guy I am stressin about actually had a girlfriend who he loved that cheated on him with at that time his best friend, and that most likely he feels that its a similar situation. Well the day after (monday) I got a call from both of them. The friend spoke to him and told me that he seemed really happy to hear that its ok for him to be with me, and that he shouldnt miss out. And also I got a call from the guy and he seemed ok, we resolved thing, but still everything was in the air. so tuesday he called me, that he might stop by (he lives far away from me) and he didnt come by he sent me a msg he wont be able to make it. I sent him a msg back that maybe we should hang out the day after - he never responded. Ok, so I decided to just chill out not call or nothing and see if he will call me. Well he didnt. Yesterday I broke down and sent him a msg saying that I am done and that he should come pick up his dvds and stuff. He called me after he got that, and we got into it again. And again we resolved some issues, coz he was like I got turned of by you going so nuts over me not doing thing, and I told him I was going nuts coz he kept ignoring me, so the more he pushed back he more created the problem. He told me that he likes me a lot, but that it feels like we have been in a relationship for 5 years, and that he doesn't want drama. Also he was like I got out of a relationship 6 months ago, and I just got used to being single, its hard for me to get used to having somebody there. I also told him how I felt about it, that he did base his opinion on my from that Nyquill saturday and not other nights, and that I felt like I did something wrong, and that it was all a big misunderstanding in which we both had the same guilt - 50/50. I told him why I acted the way I did, and he told me why he acted the way he did. He just wants to take things slow, and I told him that at the same time that came off to me as being not interested. So we ended the conversation on a light note, like we said that its a reset, we will restart everything, so my question is what should I do.How should I approach this? He told me that he will call me tonight, so what should my strategy be. Coz at one side my heart is telling me stick to it, and my brain on the other side is telling me get the hell out of here but my gut is inbetween. What should I expect from him? See I read all those crappy books like he is just not that into you, some of the advices have a point but lot of times life is not that clear cut u know, so what should I do?
NiCoLe20 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 ok ur starting to become clingy and bossy right off the bat with this guy...its not a good thing. u cant get ur way all the time w/ him and if you dont u cant get mad. let him come around and ask u to chill. let him do everything and u just lean back and watch. he wants to get to know u first to see if its even worth taking it to the next level of a relationship. dont bother him. if its meant to be it'll happen...dont rush it. he's not liking the fact that you tell him what to do..and keep asking him where things are going..just chill!!! hook up in th emeantime and if u stop stressing about it...it can become something special...just relax!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Its not too confusing. He wanted to be with you, but he didn't want to actually be your boyfriend. That's why he would be all over you, and then tell you he didn't want a relationship with you. He may sleep with you, and hang out with you for as long as you let him - but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you outside of those casual parameters. When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you, there is nothing more clear than that. He has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, and he was not happy when you told him that you were in love with him. I expect he was alarmed by that, considering the short relationship you have had with him so far. Your behavior probably put him off, and I'd be surprised if he isn't out of the picture very soon. What can you do? If you insist on pushing him on it, you can - but I think your best bet here would be to move on. Tell him that you can't be with someone who doesn't want you in a committed relationship and initiate a 'no contact'. Let him know that it will be less painful for you if he would just leave you alone - that means no calls, no email, no texting, no nothing. If he is interested in being your boyfriend, he will work to get you back. If he's not - then you can begin to make that break from him and start getting over your breakup.
Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you, there is nothing more clear than that. He has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, and he was not happy when you told him that you were in love with him. I expect he was alarmed by that, considering the short relationship you have had with him so far. Your behavior probably put him off, and I'd be surprised if he isn't out of the picture very soon. Couldn't have said it better myself! IMO it is better to establish what is going to be okay for you and what isn't BEFORE you start an intimate relationship with someone.. that way there isn't any misunderstanding of what both parties expect... Again very well said....LISTEN to these smart people, good advice and a little common sense sometimes can carry us pretty far..
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 I agree with LB.. He told you he doesn't want a relationship.. so I don't really see that there is much to understand. I think it freaked him out that you wanted to put a "name" on what the 2 of you had going on.. and telling him you loved him after such a short time together.. yes I think it freaked him out. IMO it is better to establish what is going to be okay for you and what isn't BEFORE you start an intimate relationship with someone.. that way there isn't any misunderstanding of what both parties expect...
Author yelena Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 Well it has been few weeks and I did take one of your advices. I decided to chill out and switch the script. Me and the guy spoke about everything and we basically spoke about why he was pushing away and why I was going nuts pushin him,. And we just decided to give it a restart. So I just went to my old mode, I was super nice, sweet, not stress if he doesnt call and **** like that and at the same time open my options for other guys (in case i meet somebody i like). the whole change did work, he seems to be opening more towards me. He was over few times, and we spoke about everything *while holding hands, watching tv just plain chillin*, and he was saying that he cares about me and likes me but he doesnt want to break my heart coz he knows how long distance relationships finish *he is in jersey and i am in nyc not that far away but our schedules are nuts* i mean i heard similar bull from before coz i know that if there is a will there is a way. but i didnt stress it coz its chill mode now. he told me his ex girlfriend who he broke up 6 months ago she cheated on him and she was also in nyc, kinda similar situaton. And he was saying that he became cold to **** like love coz he got hurt too many times, and it always ends the same. I told him that I still think that that view on life is ****ty and u are just closing urself off. I told him that it is just easier to tell somebody I don't see you in that way and the problem is solved and nobody gets hurt. he couldn't say that. Well, I have feelings for him and it's kinda hard to fight that. Right now i am back home in europe for 2 weeks, and wont be able to be in touch, but my main concern is what to do when i come back. me and him are good friends and i wouldnt want us to "dissapear" like stop calling and ****, but there is only so much I can do. U know. Should I persue this on the subtle way, while keeping my options open, or should I just close the door and never to look back? thanx. Take in mind I never acted this stupid over a guy, i just completly fell for him...blaaah
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by yelena he was saying that he cares about me and likes me but he doesnt want to break my heart coz he knows how long distance relationships finish Hopefully some time away will give you some time to think about what he is still saying to you.
VirginiaBob Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Guys always know what they want. I'll give you a hint, it starts with a p and ends with a y. Got it?
zilverenvlinder Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 AH YELENA! the same thing happened to me!! the VERY SAME THING happened to me, and it was bad, and I was PISSED, because he acted all relationshipy with me and then told me he didn't want to date anyone. GRR. This went on for weeks until he had a party one night and I brought another guy. The end. He was jealous and called me twice a day for the rest of the week. I didn't answer the phone. The guy I brought to his party was a lot cooler anyway. Guys suck! Luv Adria
Author yelena Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by VirginiaBob Guys always know what they want. I'll give you a hint, it starts with a p and ends with a y. Got it? see thats what i thought too, but i am the one that tries to instegate sex...we slept 3 times before we had one of our crazy fights, since then and it has been like weeks, he just says we shou;ld slow things down, because he might get caught up. he doesnt come to me for sex, i know that
CurvyGurl Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Were it me, I'd let this guy GO. It seems to me that there is a lot of back and forth game playing, 'come-here-go-away syndrome. THis is a classic case of 'he don't know what he wants'. So while you're wasting your time pining for a man who doesn't want a relationship with you, somewhere out there is a man looking for a relationship. Go find him and let this guy stew in his own juices until he decides he wants the same thing, or he moves on. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM WANT YOU. YOU CANNOT PUSH/PULL/CAJOLE/NAG HIM INTO GIVING YOU WHAT YOU WANT. Make all the excuses you want, you've made it very easy for him to have his cake and eat it too.
Author yelena Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 thanx I will give it a try I got nothin to lose
yellowrose Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by zilverenvlinder AH YELENA! the same thing happened to me!! the VERY SAME THING happened to me, and it was bad, and I was PISSED, because he acted all relationshipy with me and then told me he didn't want to date anyone. GRR. This went on for weeks until he had a party one night and I brought another guy. The end. He was jealous and called me twice a day for the rest of the week. I didn't answer the phone. The guy I brought to his party was a lot cooler anyway. Guys suck! Luv Adria I've had to swallow this hard pill recently. At 34, to realize that there REALLY is NO such thing as a woman who loves sex and is with a man who is ok with that and is able to see past it into a relationship. It does not happen. You have to act like it's the most effing precious thing and they have to wait and wait for it. It's a stupid dance, but that's just how guys are wired. Doesn't matter if you want it as bad as they do. Grr. So I had been getting to know this guy for about 10 months, TONS of stuff in common, I was really hopeful. It seemed to have SO much potential. We finally went out on our first date and yeah, I slept with him because it seemed like it wasn't *really* a first date. There are no gray areas in the rules. I slept with him right away as far as he was concerned, so the whole thing was over. It didn't matter how well we got along, how long we had been talking, or what kind of amazing potential there was. The sex had happened, so he was on his way. I got a few half-hearted e-mails about how he was busy with holiday stuff and he'd see me after Christmas and such, so I wrote him yesterday after 2 weeks with no call and told him that I didn't think I wanted to pursue anything. Busy or no, it's just bad form. I need a little more effort than that. Clearly he's not really interested. 6 months. No... More like 3...Ehh, Ok. 60 days. (grin) That's going to have to be my minimum from now on. -yr
Author yelena Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 i love your post because I felt the same about some stuff, like the whole sex thing - how long should a girl wait. living in NYC and everybody having such a "rush rush" mentality it is hard just to take it slow old fashion way, so sooner or later you give in. It buggs the hell out of me. I know that with this guy sex really wasn't an issue, because we could have became sex buddies, maybe that was what threw me off the most. It sucks when you fall for someone and your gut is telling you that something is fishy there ))) New Year's eve resolution - hold it off for months )) Thanx u guys!marry christmas
Barby Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 MERRY Christmas to you as well. I don't think it mattered if you slept with him or not but obviously he's still letting you know NOT to count on being with him because he told you LDR don't work basically he's telling you he doesn't want to be with you. I don't have any idea how much clearer he needs to be other than just stopping contact with you totally. Now on to "how long you should hold out" I think that's complete BS (but I know it's true) but a guy should be able to respect you and be with you and if BOTH the female/male are interested in the same (either pursuing a relationship or being bed buddies) but if he says he wants to be with you, and you want to be with him too then he tries and tries to get into your "goodies" and you decide to go through with it, he needs to grow the f*ck up and realize he got what he wanted and just cuz you gave it up to him (because you liked him and thought it was mutual that you two were going to be together) doesn't mean you would "give it up" to anyone.. OKay sorry that kinda went into a rant...
indigo_moon Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 The whole thing was way too intense and clingy on your part from the start. You came on too strong and too intense.....telling him you loved him within 5 weeks of knowing him, that's crazy....no guy wants a crazy, intense chick who's demanding after a short time of dating, to "know" where things are. You really need to chill out and back off, it's all so dramatic......and why push a guy you barely know for sex? Are you always this bold? That's how people get sexually transmitted diseases...by jumping into bed with someone they barely know........that's also how young women end up pregnant and put in a situation where they have to decide between being a single mom and having an abortion...because they jump into the sack right away, with somoene they're not even in a solid relationship with, things happen, they end up pregnant and next thing you know they're wondering why the guy isn't sticking around. Where's the fire?
Author yelena Posted December 25, 2004 Author Posted December 25, 2004 well first of i know i came strong but i didnt say i loved him, i said i might be falling in love with him which is different. Secondly it wasn't like i just jumped in bed with him * or that i do that with every guy*, and I know the consequences of that - but that's why you also need to know how to protect yourself. And I didn;t push him to sex lik HEY ME AND YOU LETS HAVE SEX NOW! c'mon be real. It happened that i really liked this guy a lot in a long time, and it seemed like it was going to work, but hey, shhit happens.
sean001 Posted December 25, 2004 Posted December 25, 2004 It's not him, it's not you, it's the both of you -- and it's not working. The ying and yang, the back and forth, the drama and more drama -- this is the relationship you both have now, and will continue to have in the future. There is no "resolution" because this is just how you both relate. If this is the kind of relationship you desire and strive for, stick with it. If it is not, move on. Enough time has been invested for the answer to be clear.
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