I was a horrible person and I can't seem to get rid of the feeling...

[purplesoccer34]

My ex and I were together for almost a year, and we were polar opposites. He loved physical affection and PDA. He was the kind of person who wanted me to spend all his time with him, which I didn't mind, but I tend to have a bit of a distant personality. In terms of physical affection, he wanted wayyyyy more from me than I was possibly used to, and when I wasn't able to make him happy, he frequently got mad at me. He often misunderstood me and would say things like, "Am I that fat and ugly that you don't even want to spend time with me or kiss me/hug me/hold hands, etc?" Every time I tried to explain what I really meant by my actions, he just wouldn't understand--he'd simply get angry. He'd even get mad whenever I hung out with my friends, saying that I'd spend much more time with them than I did with him, but I never saw that as true.

 

However, some of it is definitely my fault. I never initiated any physical affection whatsoever--he was the one who initiated every time, but once he did initiate, I went right along with it. He also always bought me expensive gifts and the like, and now I feel terrible for not doing the same to him. I just didn't have the money. When he was upset, I would console him if he ever came to me for help, but I never asked him what was wrong when something obviously seemed wrong, or how he was doing otherwise. He, on the other hand, was extremely caring and always made sure that I was okay. To make things worse, I was the one who broke up with him, and I know how much that hurt him. I did that because I was starting to lose feelings for him, and I knew that I would never be able to fall in love with him. I gave up on trying to make him happy, knowing that I never could---I felt like no matter what I did, he would always get mad at me. I also suspected that he might have had something going on with another girl, so I couldn't trust him.

 

He was my best friend for 6 years before he became my bf, so I still deeply care about him, and I'm afraid I always will. He may have been unreasonable at times, but the fact that I often made him unhappy is still in the back of my mind, and we broke up 3 months ago. I feel like I'll be unable to date anyone new if I'm constantly feeling guilty about making him upset---especially since he was so caring. I almost want to try and go out with him again to prove that I can be a good girlfriend, but I know that would be wrong. My question is, do I have much of a reason to feel guilty here?

[Assasda]

You have no reason to feel guilty.

Sounds like that guy was insecure and controling.

 

You did great to get away from that. It was always in the cards for you to leave him.

 

I bet that you wanted to be more affectionate, but he wouldnt give you any time to do it. I know how that feels

[strive]

To make things worse, I was the one who broke up with him, and I know how much that hurt him. I did that because I was starting to lose feelings for him, and I knew that I would never be able to fall in love with him.

 

I think you did him a kindness by letting him go knowing that you'd "never be able to fall in love with him."

 

I almost want to try and go out with him again to prove that I can be a good girlfriend, but I know that would be wrong

 

I think if you're really sincere about wanting to try again, you both first should change yourselves for the better, not just you. Maybe time apart will help?

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Guilt is a heavy burden to bear.

[lifeisastruggle]

Your situations sounds EXACTLY what happened to me, except I was in your ex's shoes. I was really caring to her, made lots of effort, but received little or none in return. As a result, I would often lash at her for not caring for me at the same level. I completely feel for the guy in this instance, but in short to answer your question, I would say yes, you should feel guilty. He put you above himself, yet you broke him down and you hurt him really bad, and thats why you feel bad inside. He loved you the way you couldn't love him. Sorry, but this opinion, although it might be disrespectful.

[stillafool]

I think you should leave him be and let him find someone who wants to give him the type of affection he gives. It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. There is no reason to feel guilty because you feel as you do. Getting back together with him will solve nothing because you haven't changed and neither has he. Let him move on to a girl who is more compatible and you do the same.

[30andsad]

Lots of good information in that book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman on people's primary love language. Unfortunately, I didn't get around to finally reading the book until it was too late, even though my now ex suggested it to me months earlier

[Chi townD]

Biggest problem is that the two of you never truly communicated with each other. I can see where you're coming from and I can also see where he was coming from.

 

I would just chalk it up as lessons learned. Best bet is to leave him alone. Let him get on with his life.