blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) MM's wife is out of town. We were chatting on gmail when she called on the phone. I held, (has happened a few times this week). He was on phone for 15 minutes...came back on chat and said night honey, sleep well. I am feeling very disrespected right now. Am I over reacting and how would you feel if this happened to you? Ladies, how would you handle this? Would you send an email, would you see him and tell him or would you just break off all contact? We were to see each other tomorrow. Edited October 30, 2013 by blue963
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Well, yes that's terrible of anyone to do. It's disrespectful when it's done socially or professionally. Never ever wait more than two or three minutes for someone to take another call. They will call you back. You made the mistake of holding the first time he did it. It's thoughtless, and he probably just has terrible phone etiquette , but don't put up wth that. Hold? Uh, NO. 3
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 i dont mind holding.....i wasnt sitting there the whole time I was getting up and doing other things and returning.
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 It was. He should have apologiesed. 15 minutes is a long time. I'd be pissed. And hurt. And you are. And you're right to be.
LaceyFace Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 He probably wants his wife to feel like everything is normal. But that does not dismiss the fact of him not apologizing to you or even saying hey let me call you back. I would be very upset.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 MM's wife is out of town. We were chatting on gmail when she called on the phone. I held, (has happened a few times this week). He was on phone for 15 minutes...came back on chat and said night honey, sleep well. I am feeling very disrespected right now. Am I over reacting and how would you feel if this happened to you? Ladies, how would you handle this? Would you send an email, would you see him and tell him or would you just break off all contact? We were to see each other tomorrow. You waited 15 minutes? Why didn't you just hang up the phone? What is there to say? He is treating you like crap and you are putting up with it. Maybe it's time for you to put YOU first and stop allowing him to treat you like second fiddle. END IT. Or at least get to the point where you can detach from him and not rely on him so when the time comes you are strong enough to end it, you'll be ready.
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 well he did say that he was sorry before for leaving to have the conversation with her....but could just have easily returned said he was sorry for making me hold, a few words and then good night. Dont mean to be splitting hairs... but i am very angry right now.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 well he did say that he was sorry before for leaving to have the conversation with her....but could just have easily returned said he was sorry for making me hold, a few words and then good night. Dont mean to be splitting hairs... but i am very angry right now. You chose to hold though. And he did apologize before leaving to answer the phone. You have a right to be angry.
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 you took it totally out of context. I did not expect him to ignore his wife. I just asked for some decency. The OW or not is not the issue. It is how you should treat another person that is the issue.
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 you took it totally out of context. I did not expect him to ignore his wife. Yes I did hold in order to finish a conversation in the right way. I just ask for the same amount of respect that i extend to him. The point of being an OW or not, is not the issue. My issue is how you should treat another person that you say to love is the issue.
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 MM's wife is out of town. We were chatting on gmail when she called on the phone. I held, (has happened a few times this week). He was on phone for 15 minutes...came back on chat and said night honey, sleep well. Doesn't sound unusual to me. Maybe he was continuing the call with her. She is his wife after all. I am feeling very disrespected right now. Am I over reacting and how would you feel if this happened to you? I think that you are. I know that as a OW you expect that any free time should be directed to you, but you are NOT his wife and that is were his commitment is. You should be grateful for any little pieces you get. And if you don't you need to rethink being the OW and find a man that is actually available. Ladies, how would you handle this? I would find someone that actually has the time to invest in me, I would not settle for little crumbs. If I am in a relationship I want to be the main focus when it comes to my significant other. Would you send an email, would you see him and tell him or would you just break off all contact? I suggest you tell him how you feel. But be ready for the backlash. You knew what he was available to give and what he wasn't. If it is not enough for you then that is perfectly fine, but you should be prepared for him to move on to someone else. We were to see each other tomorrow. see bolded. 3
MissBee Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 MM's wife is out of town. We were chatting on gmail when she called on the phone. I held, (has happened a few times this week). He was on phone for 15 minutes...came back on chat and said night honey, sleep well. I am feeling very disrespected right now. Am I over reacting and how would you feel if this happened to you? Ladies, how would you handle this? Would you send an email, would you see him and tell him or would you just break off all contact? We were to see each other tomorrow. Yea that's pretty disrespectful. He doesn't seem to respect you or your time. But then again...within the murky waters of an affair sometimes what is and isn't appropriate isn't as obvious. But regardless having anyone on hold for 15 minutes then coming back and saying goodnight without an explanation would be rude. But initially I thought you meant you were on the phone and you were on hold on the other line...which would be even ruder. I suppose people don't conceive of waiting on chat in the same way as they do someone being on hold on the phone. In any case...I don't imagine talking about this will make a difference, but I suppose you can mention it and see what happens. I suppose sometimes for me it is hard to see the point in demanding respect in terms of small things yet in many ways accepting major disrespect in other ways that often come with As. It's like yea it's rude to be on hold for 15 minutes and he comes back and says goodnight but it's also rude that your "bf" has a wife he has to put you on hold for and fit you in around. 2
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 you took it totally out of context. I did not expect him to ignore his wife. Yes I did hold in order to finish a conversation in the right way. I just ask for the same amount of respect that i extend to him. The point of being an OW or not, is not the issue. My issue is how you should treat another person that you say to love is the issue. yes I can see what you say. However, he says that I make him feel like he is so special and the only man in the world. (That is going to change).
LilGirlandOW Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm not sure of your backstory. Is he claiming to be leaving her in the future? Unhappy with her? Emotionally severed from her? Does he claim you are his only love? are there kids involved in his M?
Author blue963 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 no i shouldnt be grateful for crumbs that he gives me. I do not give him crumbs. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 If you want more from him tell him that. When my MM is with me he's only taken one call from her, it was post seperation and on speaker phone throughout his car, so there was no secrecy. I was a very undemanding OW, perhaps the "perfect OW" as far as neediness and demands went, but a lot of that was because he always made sure I knew I was his heart and he was always there for me when I needed him.
whatatangledweb Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 It was rude. The least he could have done afterwards was spent more time talking to you. It seems he pretty much blew you off after you waited that long. I would tell him exactly how you feel.
GypsumSatellite Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Yes you were disrespected. If that had been a business call, would you have held on indefinitely? No? Then there's no reason you should hang on the phone for 15 minutes while he attends to another call no matter who it is. He can call you back. You need to tell him that you felt slighted and you will not be sitting on hold for him any more. If you don't speak up, he won't listen. You need to use your voice, use your actions and get the point across to him: you will not sit on hold for anyone, especially him. Your time counts, too. I know, you were doing other things. That's not the point. Your time counts for something, just like his does. He can call you back when he has taken care of his other business. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 My point is she's NOT getting the relationship she wants. I'm sure your experience was very different and just lovely. But this thread isn't about you or your previous affair. I agree. If she were happy and treated well, then fine. But this MM of hers is treating her poorly and she is unhappy and fed up, so it seems. He is rude, disrespectful and knows he can treat her any way he pleases and she'll still come to him when he makes time for her. I can't support or encourage someone who is treated poorly. BS, WS, OW/OM, two single people in a R. Treating someone like shi.t is not nice at all. 5
SunshineToday Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 yes I can see what you say. However, he says that I make him feel like he is so special and the only man in the world. (That is going to change). Blue, these are standards words a right from the MM handbook. He probably used to say those same words to his wife. But hey if you really are that special to him, why is he not with you?
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 MM's wife is out of town. We were chatting on gmail when she called on the phone. I held, (has happened a few times this week). He was on phone for 15 minutes...came back on chat and said night honey, sleep well. I am feeling very disrespected right now. Am I over reacting and how would you feel if this happened to you? Ladies, how would you handle this? Would you send an email, would you see him and tell him or would you just break off all contact? We were to see each other tomorrow. I'm a little confused because I don't regularly communicate with people over IM/email/skype/etc. Was this just a text conversation, or was it some sort of audio or video chat being done vis gmail? I don't think it's rude to say "brb" and leave for 15 minutes on IM. Not talking to you afterward is pretty rude, but I would give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume they were just tired or something. On the phone or on video chat, I wouldn't wait around for 15 minutes or make someone else wait that long for me. I'm obviously busy with talking on the phone, and you never really know how long a call is going to take for the most part when it's someone you talk to regularly. They might have important news or something that could make the call last a while. I would just tell the person I'm talking to at the moment that I got a call I have to answer and that I will call them back when I'm done or catch up with them tomorrow if I was tired. While what he did was rather rude and disrespectful, I don't think I would see it as a deal-breaker for happening once or even twice. Even if it did happen often enough to be an issue, I would voice my concerns and give the person a chance to correct their behavior before ditching them. If this is one more notch in the coffin of disrespectful actions, your reaction is reasonable. Everyone has a breaking point. If this is the first time he has done something you perceived as disrespectful, I'm not sure I understand why your immediate reaction is to jump to NC over just one little thing. 1
trailrunner1975 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I'm a guy-my two cents. Treat him the way he treats you. Make him less a priority by enforcing a simple rule: wait 30 seconds for anyone, and 31 seconds for no one. I do that with everyone. If it is a true emergency there is no need to keep me on hold anyway. Most other convos can be summed up in a sentence or two or the person can click back to tell me they will call back in a few. My exMW tried doing me that way one time and I put that rule into effect immediately. She stopped her crap after a few times of me dropping off at and wandering on to other activities. Make him respect you. 2
velvette Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I don't wait on the phone or computer for anyone for 15 minutes unless there is some extraordinary situation going on. This problem is easily solved by having more respect for yourself and your time. 2
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 i dont mind holding.....i wasnt sitting there the whole time I was getting up and doing other things and returning. Then what part is making you feel disrespected?
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Regardless of relationship status, you have expectations. Personally I would have hung up after maybe a minute. I do not sit on hold for anyone. My MM/Husband has done that in the past with work calls, I get it and I will jump off. But why sit on the call and be pissed? I would follow up with him, tell him how you feel, and discuss it. 2
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