Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Ok, there have to be reasons why, at 35, you've not had a relationship lasting longer than 15 months. There are some people who cannot attract the opposite sex or start a relationship, they have their own issues. You don't fall into that category. You are able to attract a woman, there must be a reason why you've not maintained a relationship of at least several years by now. From what you've said, it's jealousy. And the jealousy manifests more when you drink, but that's not the cause of it. I sincerely doubt your jealousy has anything to do with confidence either, although as I say it can't hurt to do those improvement things. There must be something in your past driving this. Maybe your mother remarried when you were young, or you always felt in competition with a sibling. I just don't think looking good is going to be the healer you think it is. Some of the most beautiful people I know are also the most insecure.
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 she did you a favor the way I see it. you two are not a match. sure you could balance each other out in some areas, but she sounds like a party girl and not sure you are up for that rollercoaster. glad you see somethings in you that you are willing to work on. focus on that and move on and far away from her. 1
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I am secure in certain ways, just not with women, generally. I've caught aplenty cheating on me.. Yes, my mom left when I was 18 months old.. In attachment theory, the attachment style you have as an adult is based on the type of attention you were given by primary caregivers in the first two years of your life.
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 she did you a favor the way I see it. you two are not a match. sure you could balance each other out in some areas, but she sounds like a party girl and not sure you are up for that rollercoaster. glad you see somethings in you that you are willing to work on. focus on that and move on and far away from her. True, and she is a party girl.. big time. 27 years old, and no intentions of settling down. She believes in sex more than love, and feels she's never fallen in love with someone before.
Mascara Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Subconsciously, perhaps you're going for women who are likely to cheat, or who act in ways that trigger your jealousy. You're trying to recreate the past, over and over, until you get the conclusion you want. Dude, look into counselling again. Don't hit 40 and still be dealing with this.
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Subconsciously, perhaps you're going for women who are likely to cheat, or who act in ways that trigger your jealousy. You're trying to recreate the past, over and over, until you get the conclusion you want. I would agree with this, but like I said, I've dated some girls that really don't trigger my insecurities or jealousy much at all.
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 True, and she is a party girl.. big time. 27 years old, and no intentions of settling down. She believes in sex more than love, and feels she's never fallen in love with someone before. Is this what you want? You would never sleep good at night. You do not date women like this. You have fun with them and never allow your emotions to get involved. She sounds like a major heart ache waiting to happen. Sure she has her issues, but who cares...let her deal with her journey on her own time. 1
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Is this what you want? You would never sleep good at night. You do not date women like this. You have fun with them and never allow your emotions to get involved. She sounds like a major heart ache waiting to happen. Sure she has her issues, but who cares...let her deal with her journey on her own time. You are right, it is not. I try to tell myself that, and know it's not what I want in my mind, but the heart still wants her.
jphcbpa Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You are right, it is not. I try to tell myself that, and know it's not what I want in my mind, but the heart still wants her. the heart is a funny thing...it wants what it wants perhaps there are some good qualities that you liked about her. find out what those where and look for those in another woman who could be more committed to you, if in fact you are looking for a committed relationship. 1
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 that ^ _^ He is not open to good criticism, and he is somehow harsh in his replies, like we are attacking him, and we are not Greyarea; what would you want to hear from us? I do appreciate objective criticism.. But felt that I had already opened myself up about my insecurities and by doing so, made myself quite vulnerable. And then to have people double up on me about what I have already been forthcoming about didn't feel like constructive criticism. Also, I certainly do appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to me. I really really do!!!
purplesoccer34 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Well, based on all of this, I think you know that she's not your type and vice versa. I would just move on and find someone who seems to be more of your type. I know you're crushed because she was beautiful and someone you had great chemistry with, but don't feel as though you won't find another woman you feel just as strongly about. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and she wasn't the right one. It ended for a reason. When my ex and I broke up, I thought I'd never ever ever find someone like him again. But I found someone who was even better for me. 1
Author grayarea Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) Thank you. That's good to hear.. I will continue working on myself in the meantime, and hopefully next time I'll be better prepared to deal with situations where jealousy might arise. I know you're crushed because she was beautiful and someone you had great chemistry with Also, THIS!! Edited October 30, 2013 by grayarea
fujidabruin Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You are right, it is not. I try to tell myself that, and know it's not what I want in my mind, but the heart still wants her. Hey Grayarea, It is often difficult to give up that attachment even when we know the person is not right for us and we can see a relationship was likely doomed anyway. A big reason why you still want her is prolly because you can't have her. You need to take control of yourself. She is in control of things now so you best go NC. Sooner the better if you want to move forward soon. Check out the pinned threads in BREAKS & BREAK-UPS. Good Luck dude 1
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I was doing NC for a while, then her account was reactivated and she showed up as "single" again on the dating site we met through, and it reawakened everything just when I was starting to think about her less, every day.. ugh.. I disabled my account, but have looked at her's a few times.. Don't know why I torture myself this way. I'm trying not to.
fujidabruin Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I do appreciate objective criticism.. But felt that I had already opened myself up about my insecurities and by doing so, made myself quite vulnerable. And then to have people double up on me about what I have already been forthcoming about didn't feel like constructive criticism. Also, I certainly do appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to me. I really really do!!! If you really wanna get thru this feeling better about yourself then I suggest the pinned thread from COPING: "No Contact (NC) A Guide for the long walk..." This may help you. It did for me. Good Luck Dude
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Thank you. I'll check it out right now!
truth_seeker Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'm close to your age and dealt with a girl her age (late twenties). I don't think you did anything wrong. You were uncomfortable in the environment you were in (her party friends) and shut down. You apologized after and she was immature about it. This girl is unstable and has 2-3 divorces, alcoholism and chronic depression in her future. She is not girlfriend material or marriage material - she is party girl material. A girl who is great on the surface but bad on the inside. It sucks you were feeling her but another person had it right: you will be on a constant roller coaster with her. I can tell you can't handle a girl like her. I couldn't either. You have to delete her. Lucky you it was 3-4 dates and not 3-4 months. In time you will get over her. 1
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Yes, she basically punished me for a week after that, and refused to see me, and acted cold all week, and even said some somewhat mean things. It didn't matter how much I apologized, or how empathetical I was to her situation. She said something like "It's good that you understand the pain that you caused" but she wouldn't consider for a second that I had no appetite and was losing sleep over her, the day before a new job, no less..
truth_seeker Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Yes, she basically punished me for a week after that, and refused to see me, and acted cold all week, and even said some somewhat mean things. It didn't matter how much I apologized, or how empathetical I was to her situation. She said something like "It's good that you understand the pain that you caused" but she wouldn't consider for a second that I had no appetite and was losing sleep over her, the day before a new job, no less.. The pain you caused? This chick is whacked! You got caught up with an immature, low class woman. Imagine dating her for months? Falling love with her? She would cheat on you then turn around and blame you for her cheating! Good riddance is what I say.
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 The pain you caused? This chick is whacked! You got caught up with an immature, low class woman. Imagine dating her for months? Falling love with her? She would cheat on you then turn around and blame you for her cheating! Good riddance is what I say. I don't think she would cheat. She would break it off and then have sex.. Which is basically what happened. She was already sleeping with someone within a week of the last time we talked. I never even got to have sex with her once, because I was of the belief that if you wait to have sex, your relationship has a better chance of lasting longer.
truth_seeker Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 She was already sleeping with someone within a week of the last time we talked. Sounds like a classy girl 1
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Sounds like a classy girl Yes, dismissive/avoidants tend to be pretty promiscuous, but not indiscriminate. Really hurt that she could just go on and do that so quickly, though. We weren't in love, but we were definitely moving in that direction. And as I said, she's already back on the dating site, so whatever guy that was (she said an old friend) probably didn't mean much to her.
truth_seeker Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Yes, dismissive/avoidants tend to be pretty promiscuous, but not indiscriminate. Really hurt that she could just go on and do that so quickly, though. We weren't in love, but we were definitely moving in that direction. And as I said, she's already back on the dating site, so whatever guy that was (she said an old friend) probably didn't mean much to her. Any chance she lied to get under your skin?
Author grayarea Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 (edited) She has a pretty strong standard about being honest. I don't think she lied, but I did consider the possibility. She wouldn't have lied to get under my skin, either, but to push me away. Edited October 31, 2013 by grayarea
truth_seeker Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 She has a pretty strong standard about being honest. I don't think she lied, but I did consider the possibility. Regardless, you may be hurt now but you have avoided so much more pain if you had gotten into a relationship with her. 1
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