Dated for a short time, can't get her out of my head

October 30, 2013

Short beautiful blonde girl that really had her life together started talking to me on a dating site over a year ago. We talked on and off, I said my life wasn't fully together still and my car's engine needed rebuilt before I'd be ready to date her. She ended up dating some one else for a while and came back. We eventually started texting and finally decided to meet up...

Our first date was at a wine bar, and it was amazing. The energy between us was great, the wit and banter and conversation was wonderful, and I couldn't take my eyes off of how gorgeous she was. I couldn't believe such a beautiful girl was sitting across from me. At the end of the date we kissed and the next day she told me it was the best first date she's ever been on (she's dated a lot, and had lots of sex - the sex part will be relevant in a minute).. And I'm quite sure that was true.

Anyway, we continued to text, and I went out with her to some concert where a bunch of her co-workers were, and I interacted with everyone and had lots of fun, and we both sat with eachother and interacted and it was great..

Third date was at her apartment, and we had wine, made out and had a lot of fun. After this date we were texting and she was telling me about how she's never felt she's been "in love" with anyone before.. But she was getting feelings for me like she doesn't usually get for the people she dates.

She tends to be a busy body, constantly has plans and is doing things all of the time, and goes out with friends and parties a lot. I was stuck at home with not much to do and she would be out and I'd start to get really paranoid and worried where she was if she didn't text after several hours (she usually texted pretty frequently).. She would eventually always come through and reassure me or call me and talk to me and made me feel all better.. By this point I was becoming pretty heavily infatuated with her.

A few nights later, she invited me to go to the bar with her and some of her friends. We showed up and I met one of her guy friends there, and was hitting it off with him, until he told a story where he had been in some awkward situation where he found himself in a room with 4 other women he had slept with in the past.. This got me to thinking maybe this was one of her former FWB that she had told me about, and it made me really uncomfortable and I felt threatened. To top it off, I was getting pretty inebriated. Anyway, when I started feeling this way, I started to ignore her and acted uninterested in being at the bar with her and her friends..

When we left the bar she was extremely upset and said she didn't know how she could be in a relationship with me.. How I would fit in her life, and said she couldn't believe she started letting herself have feelings for me.. After how perfectly the connection between us felt, I couldn't believe she was actually talking about cutting it off with me completely, just because of that one poor performance of mine.

The next day she texted me and said she thinks we should go our separate ways..I talked her in to giving me another chance, but she told me it wouldn't be the same. She refused to see me and texted me a lot less.. This was kind of driving me crazy, and I felt ill to my stomach. I could barely eat.. I had waited for years to find a girl as beautiful and intelligent as her, and it was already going down the drain. That friday I went out drinking by myself at a bar, and she went out with a bunch of friends to go drinking. She sent some weird texts to me, and when she finally called, I think we were both decently drunk, and she was being really sarcastic with me because I was upset about the weird vague texts she was sending me, and that she was out a lot later than promised...

After that, that was it for her.. She considered my behavior immature and didn't want me in her life..

While that may be good and true, I still could not grasp how she was able to shut down feelings for me so easily when I was falling for her so hard, and it was apparent she was falling for me, as well. She even told me that she hadn't done that with anyone in a while and she probably won't again for a long time to come..

So i researched a bunch and came across "adult theory of attachment" and found out she is a full on dismissive/avoidant attachment type, and I'm pretty full on preoccupied/anxious attachment type.. Which does explain a lot. If you're not familiar with attachment styles, I highly encourage everyone to read up on them.

So we had only gone on four dates, we talked on and off for over a year through a dating site... and now 2 and a half months later, I can't stop thinking about her every single day.. I mean, I've had trouble getting over a girl that left me in the past, but it was always only if we had been together for some significant period. I've never been so crushed over such a short term relationship, but I wanted her more than I think I've wanted any girl in my adult life (I'm 35, btw)..

I probably know a lot of the answers to my own questions, but I felt like I needed to put this here for any feedback that might come my way.. Why can't I get over this girl? I've even dated a few since then, but there was just no spark.. and minimal physical/intellectual attraction.

The song "Almost Lovers" rings so very true to me, right now..

Edited October 30, 2013 by grayarea

October 30, 2013

You're looking for reasons by "typing" the two of you. What happened though was you were inconsiderate in front of her friends and that was a dealbreaker for her.

In the future you need to learn to be secure in your relationships.

You are having issues getting over things because you didn't feel like your action was a valid reason to drop the relationship all together, but she did.

October 30, 2013

You're trying to pin half the blame on her, whereas it seems that's not quite accurate in this case - you blew it. Up to that night, she was happy. Your actions destroyed that from what you've said.

What does this bit mean? "she was out a lot later than promised..."

October 30, 2013

Have either of you read up on adult theory of attachment?? If so, you certainly have not read about what it's like to have an "anxious/preoccupied" attachment style.

Also, I do not see anywhere where I'm trying to pin any "blame" for anything on her.

October 30, 2013

There is really no theory or logical explanation for your experience. You two started dating briefly, and you acted jealous/inconsiderate in front of her friends. She could either work it out with you, or dismiss you. In such a new relationship, she didn't feel it was worth her time to "fix" you because there are plenty of guys more suitable for her without this early drama. So she opted to dismiss you, which is perfectly reasonable. If you mistreat her this early on without really knowing each other, you are likely to get worse as attachment increases. She saw it as a red flag. People who date a lot can see red flags very early on, so she knew what she was doing.

October 30, 2013

It's interesting that as soon as you started "typing" yourselves, my thought was like what some of these folks are suggesting. I don't see any credible evidence that she or you are of any attachment type. You are likely projecting your frustration and confusion by trying to give yourself an easy answer for what happened, but my original thought was that you were a jerk to her and she called you on it. Some people are simply that blunt and aware and has nothing to do with attachment types.

October 30, 2013

Well I don't really blame her for anything, other than not being willing to give me more of a chance, and when she gave me a second chance it wasn't much of a chance at all. Also, I should've mentioned that she actually did tell me, quite specifically "I don't care what my friends think, only what you think". This was after I told her I was hesitant to meet her friends so early in the relationship. Well, that turned out to not be true at all.. Also, as an "anxious/preoccupied" I wasn't even aware of the manipulation that I was engaging in at the time. While that does not make me unaccountable for my actions, that should count for something when I apologized to her profusely for it, offered to not drink again, sent flowers to her in front of her coworkers to make her feel good in front of people, etc..

Despite that, no, I'm well aware that I was the one that's truly at fault, and since losing her I have lost 20lbs walking 3-4 miles a day and maintain a 1500 net caloric budget. I've also joined a gym with a crossfit style workout program, and am going to start piano lessons soon. I'm doing everything I can to improve myself, because I do NOT want to be the insecure jealous guy. I just want to be in a good relationship with a beautiful intelligent woman, and I want it to be as healthy as possible..

Labeling her as a "dismissive/avoidant" is not projecting any frustrations on her. She fits that attachment style to a tee.. Just as I perfectly fall in to the "anxious/preoccupied" attachment style.. Unfortunately, if you know anything about adult attachment theory you'd know these two types usually end badly, however it's not impossible for them to work out things if they both learn to communicate better, and are aware of their attachment types.

October 30, 2013

Women are often advised that "when he shows you who he is, believe him".

If you behave that way after just 3 dates, that's sending her a big message about your character. She'd be crazy to give you another chance quite frankly. Don't blame this on her being influenced by her friends - she made the pretty ballsy decision to walk away from a guy that treated her badly.

Men often criticise women for going after the bad boys / jerks. If she'd given you another chance, she'd have been one of those women.

But she quite rightly told you to beat it. After just 3 dates, she owes you nothing. Most people are still on their best behaviour at that point - so if you're like that then, what are you like after 6 months.

And you didn't answer my question.

October 30, 2013

Women are often advised that "when he shows you who he is, believe him".

If you behave that way after just 3 dates, that's sending her a big message about your character. She'd be crazy to give you another chance quite frankly. Don't blame this on her being influenced by her friends - she made the pretty ballsy decision to walk away from a guy that treated her badly.

Men often criticise women for going after the bad boys / jerks. If she'd given you another chance, she'd have been one of those women.

But she quite rightly told you to beat it. After just 3 dates, she owes you nothing. Most people are still on their best behaviour at that point - so if you're like that then, what are you like after 6 months.

And you didn't answer my question.

That's fine and all, but I have been in relationships where I wasn't a jerk. I was just never so attached to someone so quickly and wanted someone so much, and I didn't know how to handle someone with such an active lifestyle. It's something I could've grown to handle if she would've worked with me just a little. And yes, she has no obligation to do so, but I most certainly would've done everything in my abilities, even 6 months down the road, to be the most mature and respectable boyfriend I could have been. The only times I was unable to control my jealousy was when I was inebriated and I offered to correct this by not drinking again.

I don't understand your question. It means exactly what it says. She was out later than she promised. That contributed to my paranoia that night, which proved to be a somewhat accurate paranoia since on the phone she told me she had already decided she didn't want to see me..

Women are often advised that "when he shows you who he is, believe him".

This seems rather quick to judge, if you ask me. Not everyone is as bad as one of their first bad impressions would suggest.

October 30, 2013

yeah, you basically acted like a control freak. I've bee reading the attachment theory. Really interesting, btw. I think I'm the avoidant/fearful type myself.

I think you have lots of unresolved issues, you should try to resolve before embarking in another relationship.

October 30, 2013

I suppose I was confused because I'm not sure why someone you've had 3/4 dates with needs to make any kind of promises to you about how late she'll be out.

I see now you're blaming drink. I bet everyone here knows someone who has stayed with someone who has promised to change.

You're 35. You should be aware of and have dealt with your demons by now. The person you are now is likely to be the person you'll remain unless you seriously address those issues.

October 30, 2013

yeah, you basically acted like a control freak. I've bee reading the attachment theory. Really interesting, btw. I think I'm the avoidant/fearful type myself.
I think you have lots of unresolved issues, you should try to resolve before embarking in another relationship.

Thankfully not as many unresolved issues as fearful/avoidants tend to have. As already stated, I'm doing the best I can to improve myself. I did act like a control freak, absolutely. However there were many many nights where she would be out doing things with friends, and partying, and she even asked for a guy's number right in front of me on our second date so she could take him out to clubs the next night, and I didn't say a thing about it.. Which is pretty damn cool of me, if i do say so myself. Especially being that I am anxious/preoccupied. She also has a large portrait of her and her male best friend in her living room, and he enjoys texting her pictures of large clitorises for some reason. Despite all of these things which I would consider red flags, I did not lose it over any of them. I did pretty well considering how many opportunities she gave me to be jealous. Obviously not well enough, though.

October 30, 2013

Thankfully not as many unresolved issues as fearful/avoidants tend to have. As already stated, I'm doing the best I can to improve myself. I did act like a control freak, absolutely. However there were many many nights where she would be out doing things with friends, and partying, and she even asked for a guy's number right in front of me on our second date so she could take him out to clubs the next night, and I didn't say a thing about it.. Which is pretty damn cool of me, if i do say so myself. Especially being that I am anxious/preoccupied. She also has a large portrait of her and her male best friend in her living room, and he enjoys texting her pictures of large clitorises for some reason. Despite all of these things which I would consider red flags, I did not lose it over any of them. I did pretty well considering how many opportunities she gave me to be jealous. Obviously not well enough, though.

Gray Area, as I stated before, address your issues (so glad you have less issues than me, omg!) and look for someone else. You are pointing too many red flags (for you). If I were you, I shouldn't date a girl who uses to text huge clitorises with his male friend, or asked a guys number in front of you (WTF????) she's using you like a doormat

October 30, 2013

You're 35. You should be aware of and have dealt with your demons by now. The person you are now is likely to be the person you'll remain unless you seriously address those issues.

I just now discovered I'm "anxious/preoccupied".. Again, read up on it. It's not something that just goes away on it's own.. And I'm pretty sure I just told you that I've been doing everything I can to improve myself. If you've got some additional insight as to how someone goes about "dealing with their demons" I'm all ears. Otherwise, condemning me with your words is totally unproductive.

October 30, 2013

I'm not condemning you, I'm disagreeing with you. If you just want people to agree with you or give you tips on how to get this girl back, I'm happy to bow out of the thread.

You'll get over this a lot quicker if you understand that most people would be completely uninterested in giving someone a second chance after 3 dates. If it was a year, yes.

But why on earth would she want to "work" at something with a 3-date guy, when she could just find some other great guy who doesn't act controlling and possessive towards her?

October 30, 2013

(And I think all your "improvements" are related to your outward appearance. And piano lessons. Are you going to get counselling, instead of self diagnosing?)

October 30, 2013

I'm not condemning you, I'm disagreeing with you. If you just want people to agree with you or give you tips on how to get this girl back, I'm happy to bow out of the thread.

You'll get over this a lot quicker if you understand that most people would be completely uninterested in giving someone a second chance after 3 dates. If it was a year, yes.

But why on earth would she want to "work" at something with a 3-date guy, when she could just find some other great guy who doesn't act controlling and possessive towards her?

that ^ _^ He is not open to good criticism, and he is somehow harsh in his replies, like we are attacking him, and we are not

Greyarea; what would you want to hear from us?

October 30, 2013

The person you are now is likely to be the person you'll remain

I took this as a very condemning statement. You truly have no idea how capable I am of growth and change. The people that aren't, are the ones that aren't open to it. I am. I am completely open to change. I am so done with insecurity. I'd gladly do anything to expel it out of my relationships with women, completely. If you had understood how much effort I have been putting in to improving myself as of the past two and a half months in particularly, you'd might understand why i was insulted by such a comment.

You are free to disagree with me, I have no problem in that.. However condemning me is not disagreement.

October 30, 2013

That was a general statement about your age. The "you" being a generic one. By 35, most people are not going to change greatly without outside help.

Which in my opinion, you could well need. It's not a shameful thing to recognise that you might need counselling.

October 30, 2013

(And I think all your "improvements" are related to your outward appearance. And piano lessons. Are you going to get counselling, instead of self diagnosing?)

How are piano lessons devoted to outward appearance???? I've also joined a site called meetup.com and have gone to multiple events in order to improve my personal life by having more experiences and making new friends. Do I need to list every single thing I'm doing to improve myself?

I've spent plenty of time in counseling. It's pretty fruitless, and also very expensive. Self improvement is probably the best course of action.

October 30, 2013

That was a general statement about your age. The "you" being a generic one. By 35, most people are not going to change greatly without outside help.

Which in my opinion, you could well need. It's not a shameful thing to recognise that you might need counselling.

Yes, I know it's not. I actually looked in to it... for a counselor that specifically deals with cognitive behavioral therapy for attachment disorders in my area.. Just so expensive.

October 30, 2013

That's why I said outward appearance AND piano lessons.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do those things. You absolutely should if you feel it'll make you more well rounded. But they're not the things that will help address the issues you have.

What's your relationship history?

October 30, 2013

I'm not saying you shouldn't do those things. You absolutely should if you feel it'll make you more well rounded. But they're not the things that will help address the issues you have.

Why not, since clearly I lack confidence enough to not get jealous. I don't know how else to address lack of confidence than to engage in confidence building activities.

I had one good relationship with a dismissive/avoidant in the past. We moved to Portland, OR together. By the time we got out there she got pretty dismissive with me, and we ended our relationship. It didn't crush me too much, because she grew distant well before it was over. My other relationships involved dating weaker women.. I don't want to date weaker women, anymore.

October 30, 2013

How long are we talking here, 1 or 2 years.... longer? Shorter?

Has the jealousy - insecurity thing featured in those relationships?

October 30, 2013

Longest relationship was 1 year 3 months. All the rest have been shorter. Yes, jealousy /insecurity has been featured in some of them. Some more than others - others I trusted the person a great deal, and had little jealousy issues.

I have never dated someone in my adult life that was as active as the girl from the OP, but I really wanted to. She was my biggest challenge, and I failed it, unfortunately. I really don't want to fail at it again.

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Dated for a short time, can't get her out of my head

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