Stillscared Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 It's been 5 weeks since D-day.Both my husband and AP were married and working in the same office. He ended it on the day I found out and has promised that I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I want to believe him, but I fantasize about the conversation I wish my husband would have with his affair partner. Here's how I wish it would go...How foolish am I? - Stillscared. "Dear Terri, It's me. Sorry to call you at work but I need to ask you a favor. Please stop talking to my family. You don't need to contact my mother again. Please stop accusing my wife of having anything to do with the late night calls you're getting (we're getting them too, from a blocked number). Please stop following my wife on Facebook (it's creepy). Thank you for sending the ring back. It was wrong of me to give it to you in the first place. An affair is never right. What we did was wrong, and sinful. I'm moving on and recommitting myself to my wife and my marriage. Now that you've sent the ring back there's no need for further contact. And my wife hasn't done any of the things you've accused her of. She's the victim here. We're the ones who did wrong. When your husband contacted her, she simply answered his questions from what she knew I had told her about the affair. She has told him she doesn't want to stay in contact, and she had nothing to do with your husband writing a letter to your family. She never saw the letter. She didn't help write it. She simply knew of it (he had told her he was planning to confront you with the letter.) You may want to come clean with your husband. He's likely to find out the truth eventually. - it's better to confess it now and help him work through your betrayal. If the contact (by mail, by phone, in person, via text, on facebook) doesn't stop, we'll get a lawyer. Understood? It's over. I love my wife and have told her so. I should have been talking to her all along about the things that we're bothering me, and never should have acted like a selfish teenager. I am disgusted with myself, and with what we did, and with how much I have hurt her. It's over. Let this be our last interaction of any kind." 9
harrybrown Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Have you given this to your husband? He should send it to her. If he is still in contact with her, he should go NC. 3
sweet_pea Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I'm sorry you've gone through this, it sucks. You aren't foolish. Has your husband gone No Contact with the OW? 1
Author Stillscared Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 He says he's gone no contact. But she's still reaching out in every way (from sending us mail to stopping by to plead her case to his mother, to staking my facebook page.) Frankly, I don't know how to stop her, and think only he can get through to her, but don't want him to break the NC. No win win here. Any/all advice is helpful. 1
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Frankly, I don't know how to stop her File a restraining order. 1
sweet_pea Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Wow, I'm sorry that is happening. Send you all mail and contacting his mother is ridiculous. If you haven't already, I would suggest writing a NC letter telling her to stop the contact or a lawyer will get involved. Have you verified that there is no contact between you two? Also, I know you answered her husband's questions, but does he still not know the full extent of the affair? Telling him might also help end her contact.
compulsivedancer Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Type the letter. Have your husband sit down with you and make any changes together. The have him sign it and mail it to her. I think a lot of couples do this as a NC letter. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 How do you know she is stalking your fb page?
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Send it certified, return receipt requested.
ClemsonTigers Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Do they both still work in the same office???? Every thought about moving away???
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 He says he's gone no contact. But she's still reaching out in every way (from sending us mail to stopping by to plead her case to his mother, to staking my facebook page.) Frankly, I don't know how to stop her, and think only he can get through to her, but don't want him to break the NC. No win win here. Any/all advice is helpful. It's time to TELL HER husband. Why haven't you done so? This is unwanted contact and she is creepy by stalking you, contacting your MIL too. That behaviour could lead to dangerous tendencies in the future if you two don't put a restraining order on her. 1
Nyla Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 He says he's gone no contact. But she's still reaching out in every way (from sending us mail to stopping by to plead her case to his mother, to staking my facebook page.) Frankly, I don't know how to stop her, and think only he can get through to her, but don't want him to break the NC. No win win here. Any/all advice is helpful. The OW is seriously deranged. Have your husband send that letter. Let her know that there will be consequences if she continues to contact your family. If there is more contact after sending the letter, you need to call the police.
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I don't understand why your husband will not step to the plate and write the letter . I understand he might not want to. Either because he will feel embarassed or because he doesn't agree with all of it. Well, you know what? He isnt able to make those decisions right now. He made his decision , it was a bad one and now he has to fix it . He brought this shyt storm into your life. Tell him to send the letter , certified, and then tell him he better come up with a damn good plan to make this all stop. 6
Author Stillscared Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Regarding how I know she's stalking my facebook page, she's 'Following' me (how stupid is that?) using her maiden name. Regarding talking to her ex. I have, my husband knows I have, but honestly, I don't want to stay in contact with her husband either. He's got enough data now and it's up to her OW (not me) to come clean with him. Regarding them both working at the same place. He QUIT the day after D-Day. He gave up 17 years at the same company. (Incidently, they had talked about if they ever got caught that she would quit since she's only been there a year, but when push came to shove, he was the one who left. She's such a DB.) I like the idea of him writing a letter, sending it certified and threatening to file a restraining order if she doesn't stop. By the way, I'm going to let him read all your feedback. I hope it will give him some perspective, because I think he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. (For him, it's over, and he's put it behind him.) For me, it's just beginning... -Stillscared
ComingInHot Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Still scared wrote, "he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. (For him, it's over, and he's put it behind him.) For me, it's just beginning..." EXACTLY the line of thinking My fWH had right after D-Day. It wasn't until he read here on LS then took a year+ to digest everything that His A, His Cheating, His Betrayal was In Fact a Very Big Deal! That and the continuous attempts at contact the exOW was making, To Me... My H needed to "swim" in the reality of what He had done to me and our family/families and see the continuous hurt that wasn't getting better because he wasn't "dealing" with it with me. He told me once that it wasn't that he didn't want to "deal" w/the A and support and help me through it, but the fact that he would actually have to face himself and who he was during that time and acknowledge that he was Everything he railed on about despising and loathing and talking horribly about when hearing about Other Couples whose spouses cheated. He became what he hated and loathed the most, a Man without Honor, Integrity and Respect. That was harder for him to face than the pain he caused me and our family/ies for some reason (probably the egomaniac or narcassist in him). Interestly enough, the moment he collapsed in admission that the above was what he was, he immediately started gaining all that back. In gaining back his Honor, Integrity and Respect, he also gained me back too* (course the A didn't help him deal w/his anger issues, but hey, that I am NOT taking!PBBTHTHTHST**** ) So, Ya, Make him read LS and our comments. Read them aloud to him. Talk about LS in MC (if you're going). Then ask him One Last Time, in the presence of the MCer, to write the letter. ...he should say "yes"... 2
whatatangledweb Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Regarding how I know she's stalking my facebook page, she's 'Following' me (how stupid is that?) using her maiden name. Regarding talking to her ex. I have, my husband knows I have, but honestly, I don't want to stay in contact with her husband either. He's got enough data now and it's up to her OW (not me) to come clean with him. Regarding them both working at the same place. He QUIT the day after D-Day. He gave up 17 years at the same company. (Incidently, they had talked about if they ever got caught that she would quit since she's only been there a year, but when push came to shove, he was the one who left. She's such a DB.) I like the idea of him writing a letter, sending it certified and threatening to file a restraining order if she doesn't stop. By the way, I'm going to let him read all your feedback. I hope it will give him some perspective, because I think he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. (For him, it's over, and he's put it behind him.) For me, it's just beginning... -Stillscared You can stop her from following you by blocking her. The Ow in my husband's affair stalked me online. I blocked her. Then I made a new page, changed my location, and added my friends to that one and closed my original one. I did that so she couldn't use a fake account to watch my page. I also locked down my page tight so that the public sees very limited information. I agree with having a lawyer send a no contact letter. Block her from all emails and phone numbers. If she is calling your MIL I would see if she would block her number or refuse to open the door if she goes to her home.
compulsivedancer Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You can stop her from following you by blocking her. The Ow in my husband's affair stalked me online. I blocked her. Then I made a new page, changed my location, and added my friends to that one and closed my original one. I did that so she couldn't use a fake account to watch my page. I also locked down my page tight so that the public sees very limited information. I agree with having a lawyer send a no contact letter. Block her from all emails and phone numbers. If she is calling your MIL I would see if she would block her number or refuse to open the door if she goes to her home. It sounds like she's on your business page. You can block her from that page, too.
Artie Lang Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 have you exposed this affair? have you informed her husband about it, as well as the continued fishing attempts on her end? have you pressed your husband into getting another job, or switching roles so as not to be in contact with this woman? if you haven't done any of these things, i'd say you're rugsweeping. time to put on you bitch boots and start demanding. 1
Author Stillscared Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 have you exposed this affair? YES. To both her husband and our family. I asked my husband to expose it to his family and closest friends. I feel accountability is important for us to heal and him to recover. He has done all I've asked. have you informed her husband about it, as well as the continued fishing attempts on her end? They're divorcing. Letting him know that she's continuing to fish will only be hurtful to hiim. It's up to my husband to make it stop. Not her husband. He's been injured enough as the BS. have you pressed your husband into getting another job, or switching roles so as not to be in contact with this woman? My husband quit his job the very next morning after D-Day. He gave up a 17 year career for this B&%^@. if you haven't done any of these things, i'd say you're rugsweeping. time to put on you bitch boots and start demanding.. The boots are on, and they've got heels. But I'll never be a bitch. That's for others. I'll take the high road, and forgive, yet hold him accountable to fix this. Update! He wrote the letter. We're doing final edits now and will send certified and registered. Thank you all for your advice. He read your posts, and I think it sank in more hearing it from you all, than from me. Thanks again. 3
Neith Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 . The boots are on, and they've got heels. But I'll never be a bitch. That's for others. I'll take the high road, and forgive, yet hold him accountable to fix this. Update! He wrote the letter. We're doing final edits now and will send certified and registered. Thank you all for your advice. He read your posts, and I think it sank in more hearing it from you all, than from me. Thanks again. ...what. Why did it take an online forum saying stuff for him to take notice? Seriously, the man should be doing cartwheels on demand. Whatever it takes to rebuild your trust. I have to say: I admire your class. WAY more class than that bitch will ever have. I hope for your sake you've made the right decision. All the best.
lollipopspot Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Regarding them both working at the same place. He QUIT the day after D-Day. He gave up 17 years at the same company. (Incidently, they had talked about if they ever got caught that she would quit since she's only been there a year, but when push came to shove, he was the one who left. She's such a DB.) As far as you're concerned, no one's to blame for this but him. Even her behavior...he either wasn't clear and firm with her about no contact, or he introduced a psycho into your lives. I see sometimes that the reconciled spouses bond against the other man or woman, but put the blame where it belongs, on the person who cheated on their relationship, or the relationship dynamics.
ComingInHot Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 but won't she then be accused of being His "mommy" making him do stuff he doesn't want?? Don't get me wrong, I Totally agree w/you!! I guess I'm trying to beat others to the punch **
CantgetoveritNY Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Still scared wrote, "he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. (For him, it's over, and he's put it behind him.) For me, it's just beginning..." EXACTLY the line of thinking My fWH had right after D-Day. It wasn't until he read here on LS then took a year+ to digest everything that His A, His Cheating, His Betrayal was In Fact a Very Big Deal! That and the continuous attempts at contact the exOW was making, To Me... My H needed to "swim" in the reality of what He had done to me and our family/families and see the continuous hurt that wasn't getting better because he wasn't "dealing" with it with me. He told me once that it wasn't that he didn't want to "deal" w/the A and support and help me through it, but the fact that he would actually have to face himself and who he was during that time and acknowledge that he was Everything he railed on about despising and loathing and talking horribly about when hearing about Other Couples whose spouses cheated. He became what he hated and loathed the most, a Man without Honor, Integrity and Respect. That was harder for him to face than the pain he caused me and our family/ies for some reason (probably the egomaniac or narcassist in him). Interestly enough, the moment he collapsed in admission that the above was what he was, he immediately started gaining all that back. In gaining back his Honor, Integrity and Respect, he also gained me back too* (course the A didn't help him deal w/his anger issues, but hey, that I am NOT taking!PBBTHTHTHST**** ) So, Ya, Make him read LS and our comments. Read them aloud to him. Talk about LS in MC (if you're going). Then ask him One Last Time, in the presence of the MCer, to write the letter. ...he should say "yes"... Wow, CIH! My fWW is a lot like your H. Funny how gender stereo types don't hold up,,,, ever. Right down to that I hope my fWW reads this. 2
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