Second best?

[busdriver]

My experience as the WS was like this, C48. But I would put it this way: I wanted to be with my OW like I want a Ferrari or a house in Monte Carlo. The wish and want is pointless, because it's too far beyond the realm of reality. If I test drove a Ferrari or rented a villa for a week, and then expected to live at that level every day, I would be deeply foolish. Which means that I did let myself be deeply foolish for a while. I know that life put me where I belong, and it's silly to wish I could be someone else. Because I think that's a lot of the root of affairs anyway. Trying on another life.

 

Usual disclaimer that this is wrong and bad and I am sorry.

 

That's why MC has been difficult for me. I am not the person I thought I would be at this age. Or ever. Being wqith my OW gave me a peek at a life that I could definitely wish was mine, but wishing for it is pointless and not productive.

 

I hope this is making sense, and that it comes across the way I mean it. To extend the metaphor, I have a nice cottage in the country and I was stupid to try and reach for more. I often sound like I am "pining" I am told. But the difference is in knowing it's out of the realm of reality. I am learning, I am learning to appreciate what I have and who I am. More to the point, I know I have to learn this and I think I eventually will. I can't speak for anyone else, but that's my experience.

[2sure]

I sure felt second best to my husband's lover.

 

If your husband left you for his lover, or stayed married to you and openly kept his lover even though you offered divorce....then you would be right in feeling second best. And should divorce him to regain proper placement in your own

 

But if you were to ask most WS to pick OW or BS before , during, or after the affair, they pick their wives first.

 

Even to serial cheaters the wife is first to them, the OW not even second but next.

 

It's a horrible position for both women to be in. To be first? To be second?

In your life? To compete for placement in your own life?

 

It's sickening.

[Confused48]

If your husband left you for his lover, or stayed married to you and openly kept his lover even though you offered divorce....then you would be right in feeling second

 

But 2sure, what if he stayed with her bc his lover chose his BS? What if there was some doubt that perhaps he wanted the AP but the AP was not as eager?

[Confused48]

My experience as the WS was like this, C48. But I would put it this way: I wanted to be with my OW like I want a Ferrari or a house in Monte Carlo. The wish and want is pointless, because it's too far beyond the realm of reality. If I test drove a Ferrari or rented a villa for a week, and then expected to live at that level every day, I would be deeply foolish. Which means that I did let myself be deeply foolish for a while. I know that life put me where I belong, and it's silly to wish I could be someone else. Because I think that's a lot of the root of affairs anyway. Trying on another life.

 

Usual disclaimer that this is wrong and bad and I am sorry.

 

That's why MC has been difficult for me. I am not the person I thought I would be at this age. Or ever. Being wqith my OW gave me a peek at a life that I could definitely wish was mine, but wishing for it is pointless and not productive.

 

I hope this is making sense, and that it comes across the way I mean it. To extend the metaphor, I have a nice cottage in the country and I was stupid to try and reach for more. I often sound like I am "pining" I am told. But the difference is in knowing it's out of the realm of reality. I am learning, I am learning to appreciate what I have and who I am. More to the point, I know I have to learn this and I think I eventually will. I can't speak for anyone else, but that's my experience.

 

OMG Busdriver! I sure hope I am taking this the wrong way. What I think you are saying is that you would much prefer to have the OW but you just can't. You just don't measure up or don't deserve that result. But you wish you did.

 

So instead you settle for the second best. You accept your lot in life and make the best of it.

 

Holy cow! This is my nightmare. This is why I started this thread. I believe I'm paranoid to think that my WS thinks like you do but then I read this and think maybe I'm not paranoid.

 

Does your BS know you feel like this? I doubt it. But if so how does she live with it? If not, how do you?

 

I don't want you to feel persecuted. I've always appreciated you posts. Even this one.

[Confused48]

No he is with her and has been since we split up. He couldn't wait to be with her as soon as he told me that he was in love with her. I always felt bad that I pressured him into marrying me because I wanted it so bad. But we had been together for 20 years and I thought we would be together until one of us died. I was just planning on it. I could have been a better wife then I was.

 

Oh. An exit affair that destroyed a marriage. My situation is a shade different. An exit affair that blew up on Dday. It leaves lingering doubts.

 

I'm sorry you had this result. I hope you can move on and find someone who will not treat you so cruelly.

[Furious]

[quote=Confused48;5305059

 

Even the BS, how do the BS deal with this kind of thing, with knowing you were second best in some category. Sexualy or emotionally.

 

 

The reason affairs are kept secret is because the WS , through deceit, manipulate the theory of "second best" as it serves them in convincing the affair partner is first best.

 

Ironically, the WS's only interest is getting as much cake as possible, they are first best above all......and the betrayed spouse and affair partner's role is to facilitate the WS's need to be #1 and by manipulation or deceit that is the only way they can achieve their coveted #1 position.

 

Anyone with self esteem does not ponder whether they were first or second best when they discover they've been cheated on. A cheater does not determine your value.

[busdriver]

C48, it's not that you're taking it wrong exactly, but I have trouble putting things in the right words. Or maybe they're right, but not hearing the way they're said is confusing.

 

My analogies are bad, but I'll try it this way. If someone asked me if I wanted to live on the moon, I'd think that was an amazing idea. But I'd have to object because there's no air, no water, and no Waffle House. So you could then ask -- would you like to live on the moon if they had air, water and Waffle House? I guess, yeah...but they DON'T have those things. So I'm not going to walk away from that conversation wishing I could move to the moon.

 

My OW was never looking for a relationship. That's one of the things I've noticed is unusual here. She isn't out there somewhere wishing I would leave my W. On Dday, she's the one who cut all contact. I miss her friendship, I miss our working together, and yes, I miss kissing her. But I don't "wish I could be with her" because there's no such thing as "being with her." Does that make sense?

 

If you asked my W what her dream life would be, she would say she would be living in Hawaii, driving a convertible and married to Robert Redford. I am certainly not Robert Redford, but I do not expect her to run off with him. It's just not in the cards and both of us know it, so there would be no point in worrying about it. My OW may not be a movie star but she is just as inaccessible to me as Robert Redford is to my W.

[thecharade]

From everything that I have read, rejection--which visits us in many ways and at various times in our lives--is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. It scars. It stains our thoughts and opinions. And sadly, whether we truly WERE rejected or not does not matter at all. If you feel it, you believe it. And you will struggle mightily to overcome it.

 

But, luckily my research indicated that since perception is all that matters, perception is also all that is needed to turn it around. If you replace your rejected thoughts with healthy messages, you'll feel much better. When the dark thoughts come, visualize yourself moving them aside and letting in your light, your truth, your positive spin.

 

You are only lesser if you allow those thoughts. You are only second if you let yourself see it that way. You are only rejected if you reject the more optimistic, self-nurturing, hopeful truth that is right in front of you.

 

Try the improved attitude and healthy self talk. It really works. You deserve it.

[Furious]

Heathy self esteem is recognizing your own value. If you have that and are honest, sincere, and do not lie or deceive in order to feel "special" then you will always be #1.

[Lillyfree]

i've never thought my husband second-best. as some posters already said, it was the case of different, if nothing else. and i have to agree that OM's arrogance and dickishness played a huge part in be becoming attracted to him. i also thought that we had a lot more in common than my husband and i did - however at the time i didn't know anything about affairs, mirroring and other such things.

 

what i understand now is that my A wasn't about H or OM, but it was all me. i was broken and didn't know how to fix myself. i was hurting my husband and i know to some extent i've hurt OM. there wasn't much thinking or analysing (actually, i avoided doing that). it's just selfishness and complete disregard towards anyone else.

[HtotheN]

I did divorce him and I still feel second best. He told me he was having an affair and I was devastated. I didn't want to divorce him at first but he wanted a divorce. I tried to beg him to stay for the children but he wouldn't and said he is in love for the first time in his life. That hurt my heart in a way that I can't even describe to hear that. When he left me and the children he went straight to his lover's house and they are planning on getting married in November of this year.

 

Grab a chair and some popcorn; karma will catch up. Scratch that; move on and find someone who will cherish you.

[atreides]

I am sorry that you feel that way about yourself. The fact is, many BSs KNOW that they were never a second choice and their WSs proved that to them. What may be "the answer" for you is not necessarily the answer for everyone else.

 

thankfully I am not a BS, nor a WS, but i have lived through infidelity too much with friends and family.

 

How i feel about my self is not the issue. I was speaking objectively, that 1st or 2nd is really not the issue... moreover it should not be the question to ask basically. It is not pertinent to the conversation. It is already or should already be understood.

 

My point of objectivity is just that, for a second or certain want in life, A was forsaken for B and while others argued about "binary" and used foods as an analogy, missed the point or rather added fuel to the fire by truly making the statement "eating your cake too" ring true.

 

I like how coolit sees it, she looks at herself, and that is the point. The BS has to decide if the WS's search within themselves to find and bring out their better selves is enough for their transgression, for some it is and others not, or quite frankly their are those WS that don't even bother looking within themselves and will forever deny themselves that dignity.

[Journee]

Journee,

 

"It sounds like you were able to take back control of your life. I hope that your children are adjusting well. That is by far the worst part. Yes the fact that he cheated on me for the third time (that I know of) while I pregnant. While I was having biopsies taken for precancerous spots. While we were being told that our youngest had markers for downs syndrome is enough. Thinking about how this will affect my babies...ugh."

 

 

This just kills me inside to read this. Wow I just don't know how I would have handled those things on my own. You are obviously stronger than me.

 

As to the part of taking control. I would not say I took control. It got much more crazier before it got better. I had four kids to take care of and work a full time job. My job is not like other peoples job. I can get called up any time day or night and have to work. I am a voice engineer. I work alot on 911 phone systems. When they call everything has to stop. Its been six years since my divorce and two kids have moved out since. Three girls one boy. Ages now 21,20,15,13. Let me tell you I thought i was dieing a few times lol

 

I feel the same as you It does give me alot of hope that there are women out there that are faithful too.

 

Are you kids doing better ?

 

 

Clay

 

Well it certainly sounds like you made it through to the other side nicely. It's good to see that.

 

My little one's are very young. Just 3 and 11 months old. The oldest is very happy to have us all live under the same roof. I can tell in his sleeping habits and watching him play. When we were separated he could not sleep alone and not until a few months ago decided he could sleep in his own bed in his room all night. He feels safe now. Safe in that he has everyone here. I'll tell you this, if it weren't for our baby we would likely still be separated. Seeing my big man growing and sleeping peacefully for the first time in a long time gives me pause in thinking about leaving again.

 

Gah, I think I have thread jacked enough lol

Sorry OP!

 

Back to topic. Realizing that there are men out there that would not dream of breaking a ladies heart in that fashion. Never give me reason to feel anything but first. Now that's scary. What would one do with a trustworthy partner and zero ability to trust?

[Zenstudent]

Warning: Long post ahead. I know my analogies often don't hold water or won't speak to everyone - a matter of perception;) - it often happens when it's difficult for me to explain a complex matter in a language that is not my native. And the mind, thoughts, perceptions and reality are all difficult subjects to explain - even in my native language. But I found that these posts capture my thoughts to a large extend.

 

From everything that I have read, rejection--which visits us in many ways and at various times in our lives--is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. It scars. It stains our thoughts and opinions. And sadly, whether we truly WERE rejected or not does not matter at all. If you feel it, you believe it. And you will struggle mightily to overcome it.

 

But, luckily my research indicated that since perception is all that matters, perception is also all that is needed to turn it around. If you replace your rejected thoughts with healthy messages, you'll feel much better. When the dark thoughts come, visualize yourself moving them aside and letting in your light, your truth, your positive spin.

 

You are only lesser if you allow those thoughts. You are only second if you let yourself see it that way. You are only rejected if you reject the more optimistic, self-nurturing, hopeful truth that is right in front of you.

 

Try the improved attitude and healthy self talk. It really works. You deserve it.

I subscribe to this and I am working at it - however one of the major problems with betrayal is that it messes with your sense of reality. So it can be very hard to keep focus on your own thoughts.

 

Heathy self esteem is recognizing your own value. If you have that and are honest, sincere, and do not lie or deceive in order to feel "special" then you will always be #1.

 

i've never thought my husband second-best. as some posters already said, it was the case of different, if nothing else. and i have to agree that OM's arrogance and dickishness played a huge part in be becoming attracted to him. i also thought that we had a lot more in common than my husband and i did - however at the time i didn't know anything about affairs, mirroring and other such things.

 

what i understand now is that my A wasn't about H or OM, but it was all me. i was broken and didn't know how to fix myself. i was hurting my husband and i know to some extent i've hurt OM. there wasn't much thinking or analysing (actually, i avoided doing that). it's just selfishness and complete disregard towards anyone else.

The point for me is that all these comparisons, best, second best, are mute. I don't say this to come across as arrogant, incompassionate or as if I've not been there - because I have, and still am from time to time. I live it, I still think it sucks, and I still think of these years as some of the worst in my life (I'm 47).

 

But these last years are also just the worst in some aspects, because I believe I have learnt a lot about myself and life in general, things I probably wouldn't have thought about if I had not been betrayed in such a cruel manner. And for that, I'm gratefull. it sounds weird when I'm writing this, I know, and I wish and also to some extend believe, that you should be able to learn these lessons without going through this amount of pain, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way all the time.

 

My wife is quite self absorbed (not to to the degree of narcissistic, I believe). She just tend to believe at all times that she deserves something better than what she has. I think that's one of the main reasons she cheated, "I deserve something on the side to sweeten my life a bit, and if noone knows, noone will get hurt". Yeah, we've heard that one before, haven't we. I also think from time to time that her main reasons for staying here are the kids and the life style (which in no way is on first class, I should say). But I don't know that for sure, and it really doesn't matter, it's HER life to live, and if having a family is is enough for her to be happy, so be it, it's not my life. Who am I to tell her that she can't be happy with that? If she's busy living her life, and I'm busy living her life - then who's left to live MY life? The lesson I learned is: Stay in your own life, heart and head - it serves you best.

 

Now to the best/second best at discussion - I'll try without obscure analogies this time - I'll try to raise some questions to think about instead. How do you define what's best? How do you define who's best? If you line up every human being in this world - would you be able to arrange them in order from the best to the worst? I think you'll find it hard - even if you are allowed to narrow the criteria to ie. sexual performance - it's all in the eye of the beholder influenced by the time of the observation.

 

In my humble opinion, everyone is the best. Every human being is unique and is created to be the best. Strip off all perceptions about money and wellfare, possessions and beauty industry - what is left? Humans trying to fullfill there mission in life, doing the best they can.

 

So who is going to benefit from you thinking that you're only second best, or you thinking that someone else thinks you're only second best? Certainly not you. And as The charade said above, it's all about perceptions - your perceived reality. Change it, strive to be the best version of you as possible - a version you can be proud of, that you would gladly pass on to your children. That's what counts.

 

One last pointer. All the thoughts about being not so good, second best or whatever label is used, is just that - thoughts. Your thoughts are not you, and you are not your thoughts. So try to change them, change your thought patterns into something less destructive, otherwise they'll reinforce the feeling of hurt and pain.

 

On a side note; I didn't get there all by myself, I "cheated" in the process, I had to check my own market value on the dating market. There is absolutely nothing to be worried about, if my wife won't have me, there are plenty of other women out there that will. And just look around you, there is one for everyone - it don't have to be a competition. Even being single can work out just fine for many people.

 

TLDR/Summary:

It really doens't matter if she thinks of you as the best, second best or the worst ever - the important thing is what you believe about yourself and your life. I'm in the process of getting there, and I know it definitely feels better, to me at least.

[Confused48]

whether they were first or second best when they discover they've been cheated on. A cheater does not determine your value.

 

Heathy self esteem is recognizing your own value. If you have that and are honest, sincere, and do not lie or deceive in order to feel "special" then you will always be #1.

 

The last post by Zenstudent and the above by Furious I do understand and agree with. It makes me realize that I've chosen badly with the wording of the title of this thread. I should clarify that my worry is that the marriage, staying married, is the second choice of the WS.

 

Some readers may know this to be the case for them. Others may just fear it.

[2sure]

But 2sure, what if he stayed with her bc his lover chose his BS? What if there was some doubt that perhaps he wanted the AP but the AP was not as eager?

 

That's a good point. I can see a BS, caught up in the heat of DDay and reconciliation accepting these terms...but it would linger and eventually most would divorce. If not, they might not feel like second best anyway because they feel they are the better choice. Just like OW who get the MM only after the wife tosses him out.

 

Just because he was confused doesn't mean the end result was not good.

 

But I think most BS, other than the complete martyrs, don't want anyone that doesn't want to be there.

[Confused48]

I don't see how the opinion of someone who is clearly not behaving in an honourable, respectful way...means something.

 

I don't value the opinion of those that I do not respect, its that simple. So their view of me...means nothing.

 

That is why, when a WS really looks at WHO they got validated from (ap), they are appalled at themselves. I have known some to actually throw up.

 

It's not that I am defining my self as less worthy bc perhaps the WS preferred the AP in some way. I just want to know bc I want to know what kind of relationship is this that I'm in. I don't want to be with WS if WS would prefer to be with AP but just can't for some reason like money, children, or perhaps the AP did not want WS full time.

[Confused48]

My experience as the WS was like this, C48. But I would put it this way: I wanted to be with my OW like I want a Ferrari or a house in Monte Carlo. The wish and want is pointless, because it's too far beyond the realm of reality. If I test drove a Ferrari or rented a villa for a week, and then expected to live at that level every day, I would be deeply foolish. Which means that I did let myself be deeply foolish for a while. I know that life put me where I belong, and it's silly to wish I could be someone else. Because I think that's a lot of the root of affairs anyway. Trying on another life.

 

Usual disclaimer that this is wrong and bad and I am sorry.

 

That's why MC has been difficult for me. I am not the person I thought I would be at this age. Or ever. Being wqith my OW gave me a peek at a life that I could definitely wish was mine, but wishing for it is pointless and not productive.

 

I hope this is making sense, and that it comes across the way I mean it. To extend the metaphor, I have a nice cottage in the country and I was stupid to try and reach for more. I often sound like I am "pining" I am told. But the difference is in knowing it's out of the realm of reality. I am learning, I am learning to appreciate what I have and who I am. More to the point, I know I have to learn this and I think I eventually will. I can't speak for anyone else, but that's my experience.

 

I like your movie star analogy. In my situation the WS is movie star in looks so it breaks down a bit. But I see what you mean. What if I could have my WS but with some tweak like not so selfish and shallow, lol. Then maybe i would prefer that person over my WS. Then of course I might stray too. I just hope I'd do it honorably.

[Confused48]

From everything that I have read, rejection--which visits us in many ways and at various times in our lives--is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome. It scars. It stains our thoughts and opinions. And sadly, whether we truly WERE rejected or not does not matter at all. If you feel it, you believe it. And you will struggle mightily to overcome it.

 

But, luckily my research indicated that since perception is all that matters, perception is also all that is needed to turn it around. If you replace your rejected thoughts with healthy messages, you'll feel much better. When the dark thoughts come, visualize yourself moving them aside and letting in your light, your truth, your positive spin.

 

You are only lesser if you allow those thoughts. You are only second if you let yourself see it that way. You are only rejected if you reject the more optimistic, self-nurturing, hopeful truth that is right in front of you.

 

Try the improved attitude and healthy self talk. It really works. You deserve it.

 

This is very helpful. I don't think I felt rejection exactly Something close though. The words escape me. This idea is helpful with that.

[Zenstudent]

The last post by Zenstudent and the above by Furious I do understand and agree with. It makes me realize that I've chosen badly with the wording of the title of this thread. I should clarify that my worry is that the marriage, staying married, is the second choice of the WS.

 

Some readers may know this to be the case for them. Others may just fear it.

I understand this, but it also goes the other way around. I would rather be with someone who didn't cheat on me - my wife knows that as well, and I think it's one of those thoughts that really bothers her.

 

I really don't believe in soulmates anymore, I used to, but I've become more cynical since the betrayal was revealet and my world view exploded and I had to puzzle it together in a way that is more realistic.

 

I think more in terms of compatibility. So if we're highly compatible and she decides to be with me, I don't mind that she possibly would rather be with our neighbour or some other not yet found partner. Conversely, she needs to accept that I would prefer to be with a partner with a more compatible view at monogamy. As long as the benefits outweigh the negatives - isn't that OK?

 

I think the idea about an ideal or almost ideal world is what creates many frustrations. I know it was for me at least.

[beatcuff]

...but I have trouble putting things in the right words. ...

 

i think you were spot on. 'back in the day' our world was much smaller a/k/a everyone knew everyone. now with the media we see how countless others live and desire that: homes (and worse renovation projects: it seems so easy on tv), clothes, porn (you can see countless images in minutes), the 'perfect' tv couples (with the exception of Married with Children - name a show in which the couple do not end with 'but i love you and want to work it out' all in 22 minutes).

 

our expectations have increased but our wallets have not.

[2sure]

There are many days I do feel like this. I admit that the times that he could have been with his son and my pregnant self but still chose to drive to see another woman on his way to work I was second choice. That will not change for me. I am not in a place to reconcile right now effectively so I often remind myself of the gorey details. I am not going to compete with the memory of a woman he knew for a total of 8 weeks. Not gonna do it. I remember his choices though and what his actions said to me.

 

I'm going to put this out there, because in hindsight it was helpful to me during the hell of my XHs cheating sprees.

 

I was beyond hurt and angry as hell at every choice he made that put himself before our marriage, family, and me. I felt discarded, demeaned, and at times worthless. Feeling worthless really really sucks. So bad, that i just would not accept that. I'm an average person, not incredibly strong or confident. All of my insecurities as well as new and valid ones came out in full bloom during that period. I certainly felt that he was not choosing me.

 

BUT. I never felt I was second best simply because he chose someone else.

I felt he chose WRONG. I felt he was an idiot to betray me. It puzzled me that he would make such bad choices. There would have been no circumstances under which I would have felt that he chose better than me.

[Clay]

Confused,

 

I think to some degree you are probably right. I actually had an example of this yesterday afternoon. I XWW birthday was a week ago. She wanted the two younger kids to come spend some time with her. I agreed. I did not see a big issue about it. My son on the other hand did. He did not want to go. I convinced him to go because it was her birthday. When he came back home he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He said they did nothing. He was bored the whole time. He was mad at me for pushing him to go. Now I take two things from this situation.

 

One: Why would he not want to see her on this special day.

 

Two: Why is the only thing he cared about not being bored.

 

Now just so you know he has been like this since the divorce (6 Years ago)

 

So I call his mom and try to talk to her. I told her how he felt and asked if she could try to work on things with him. She acted Shocked. She stated she had no clue why he is this way. I told her Its been this way since the divorce. She

then replied she still did not understand. I proceed to tell her how she treated the kids while we were married and her cheating on me the whole time has affected him seriously. She Screamed over the phone to the top of her lungs she had never cheated on me. I paused and said look I know what happened I have the emails I have the photos I have all the proof and the kids were there they witnessed this too. I did not tell you this to start a fight. I told you this today so you can try to address this with your son. In that brief moment I had thought about what we had discussed on this thread and It became clear to me shes lost and there is nothing I can do to help his relationship with her.

 

 

Journee,

 

You are right it seriously harms the kids. I would not sleep in my bed after we separated. My kids slept on the floor next to the couch for 5 months. I could do nothing to keep them in there beds they would just keep coming down stairs to be with me. I finally sit them both down and told them things are ok and they need to stay in there bed. The sixth month came along and I took my kids to school like I did every morning and I ran into one of there teachers. She asked me what I had done to this kids. She did not know about there mother leaving. She said there grades are up and they are participating more in classes than they ever had. She was thrilled. I told her well I have not really done anything and that the kids just went through a separation from there mother. She was shocked and just got quiet and said thanks and walked away. I knew that day I had made the right choice.

 

Fast forward today both kids are on the honor roll In junior High and High School.

 

Clay

[dichotomy]

I understand this, but it also goes the other way around. I would rather be with someone who didn't cheat on me - my wife knows that as well, and I think it's one of those thoughts that really bothers her.

 

I really don't believe in soulmates anymore, I used to, but I've become more cynical since the betrayal was revealet and my world view exploded and I had to puzzle it together in a way that is more realistic.

 

I think more in terms of compatibility. So if we're highly compatible and she decides to be with me, I don't mind that she possibly would rather be with our neighbour or some other not yet found partner. Conversely, she needs to accept that I would prefer to be with a partner with a more compatible view at monogamy. As long as the benefits outweigh the negatives - isn't that OK?

 

I think the idea about an ideal or almost ideal world is what creates many frustrations. I know it was for me at least.

 

Wow..I could have written some of this - and reading it makes me feel not so alone (or wrong/bad person?) for having these thoughts or feelings sometimes.

 

Thank you.

[Confused48]

I understand this, but it also goes the other way around. I would rather be with someone who didn't cheat on me - my wife knows that as well, and I think it's one of those thoughts that really bothers her.

 

This is good. Im sure my WS knows I've lost respect for WS. Some, not all. I do not know if my WS cares.

 

I really don't believe in soulmates anymore, I used to, but I've become more cynical since the betrayal was revealet and my world view exploded and I had to puzzle it together in a way that is more realistic.

 

I never did believe in soul mates or twin flames. But felt it was pointless to even try to discuss that with WS before Dday. Post Dday I can laugh openly at the idea.

 

I think more in terms of compatibility. So if we're highly compatible and she decides to be with me, I don't mind that she possibly would rather be with our neighbour or some other not yet found partner. Conversely, she needs to accept that I would prefer to be with a partner with a more compatible view at monogamy. As long as the benefits outweigh the negatives - isn't that OK?

 

More than ok. It's great. Very pragmatic. It makes me more comfortable with the idea that maybe WS would rather have AP, in some ways. On the whole, I'm the most compatible. At least for now. And WS is right for me too, for now.

 

I think the idea about an ideal or almost ideal world is what creates many frustrations. I know it was for me at least.

 

Funny you should say this. Here I am, on this thread, venting all this angst about how maybe I am WS's second choice in some way or other. Like I expect perfection.

 

Yet I blast my WS for having the A for the reason that WS was longing for perfection. I told WS there are ups and downs in a marriage and you just get through them. You don't cheat simply bc your M is not perfect. Yet here I am, expecting perfection.

 

I certainly felt that he was not choosing me.

 

BUT. I never felt I was second best simply because he chose someone else.

I felt he chose WRONG. I felt he was an idiot to betray me. It puzzled me that he would make such bad choices. There would have been no circumstances under which I would have felt that he chose better than me.

 

I'm not saying I feel second best. I regret the title of this thread. I fear I am just maybe WS's second choice. In some way. But no, not second best.

 

Married people that cheat typically have only very limited other people to chose to pair up with. Other People who have serious problems at the very least. In some cases far worse. Predators, serial cheaters, lost desperate souls who are selfish beyond all measure. My WS chose or was chosen by an AP that I would never feel second best to in any way.