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Meeting after a month of NC. Tips?


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Posted

Okay so long story short our break up wasnt pretty. His call, not mine. He said he didnt love me anymore (although he was still saying i love you hours before we got into the fight). There's also the little detail about him always being stunned, so you never know whats really on his mind.

Last we spoke he said he wanted to be alone, and didnt think hed want me back anytime soon, although he didnt completly close the door.

 

We decided to meet to give each other our stuff back. It might sound crazy with what i just said but i still have deep feelings for this guy and i would def like to get back together.

 

I feel this is a pivotal moment and i have to get this right in order to have some small chance of getting him back. Tips, advice, views or personal experience from u would be very much appreciated

Posted

1. Don't set expectations of getting them back.

 

2. Take it slow and work on rebuilding a friendship first

 

3. Don't contact them regularly right out of the gate. See how it goes. Like a new relationship, it should progress naturally if it's meant to be.

  • Author
Posted

Oh Btw im sort of seeing someone else atm. Ive seen many comments about how dumpers realized they still loved their ex when they realized they were moving on. Should i casually let him know about it?

Posted

No! Don't do it... It has more of a chance to backfire then help.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks! That was my first thought, but i really wanted someone else's opinion

Posted

So you are using this other guy while you plot to get your ex back? Not cool.

  • Author
Posted

Judging me without knowing anything about me or my relationship? Not cool either ;) I'd explain, but since you've already drown out your own conclusions I wont waste any of my time.

Posted
Judging me without knowing anything about me or my relationship? Not cool either ;) I'd explain, but since you've already drown out your own conclusions I wont waste any of my time.

 

You shouldn't be dating anyone if you are trying to get someone back. It's not fair to the guy you are dating -- I don't care how many wink faces you use to try to mask that. I think that one month of NC with your ex is not nearly enough. I think at least three months minimum is what you need.

 

But you need to figure out what the deal is with the new guy you are dating. Please don't use him as a pawn -- either to fill an emotional or physical void and certainly do not use him as a pawn to try to "wake up your ex. That's dirty pool.

 

Either way, I think it's best you cancel the meeting with the ex (get him to mail the stuff or pack it in a box for you to grab when he's not at home) and don't even entertain it while you are dating the new guy.

  • Like 2
Posted

Hi, Cristy

 

Dealing with an ex is difficult.

Dealing with an ex that drinks too much or smoke pot,

or does drugs is exhausting.

 

My ex was on his way to become an alcoholic.

 

He broke up with me, whilst drunk.

 

In the 10 months we had no contact he started therapy and rehab,

and that is the only reason I broke no contact, and the reason we are dating now.

 

We are taking it slow, have just met with him a handful of times.

No heavy talks, or anything like that. It is like a new relationship.

 

The reason I knew this, therapy and rehab, was because he wrote me whilst we had no contact,

 

I responded with:

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

 

This is the message I sent him after he broke up with me,

and I sent him when he contacted me during my 10 months of no contact.

 

A few months after he wrote me about his therapy, he had done therapy and rehab from February, I called him, and here we are.

If you think no contact is a fu*king roller coaster,

then I can tell you reconnect is a fu*king merry go 'round.

 

If dildo face, what I call my ex, starts to act like he did before the break up,

or something like that, I have to NOT fall into my old patter:

- make excuses for him,

- focus on him, and forget myself,

- tell myself it is my fault he drinks,

- cover up for him,

- try harder to make him love me,

- think: What if I did this?,

or: what if I just did that?

 

It is hard, believe me, but I am ready.

I am emotionally ready.

 

You, my friend, are not emotionally ready.

And even if you were, he is not.

So I would tell you the same.

 

We all have some evolving to do.

You can only start over so many times, before it's over for good.

This is your third break up, correct?

 

Emotional control is key to success -

remember that while you're in no contact

 

If I learn that dildo face hasn't changed, during the reconnect phase (a few months) or starts to pull away:

 

I know what to do:

resend the no contact message I suggest.

And go back to no contact, my batcave.

And think:

«Right now I'm just busy focusing on my life - scr*w him and his issues -

he can continue through life never facing up to his sh*t and end up alone and miserable.»

 

Like we all tell each other on this forum, no contact is all about you.

 

Get your life back first, worry about your ex second - if at all - your choice.

 

The sooner that sinks in, the better - for you.

 

This story is from my break up buddy in Virginia:

 

«I have a friend who used to counsel me at the end of my marriage and after my marriage ended.

 

He is actually a social worker and a recovering alcoholic of 30 years.

He told me one time that in a relationship between a «drunk» (as he so often puts it these days)

and a family member/friend/significant other, that the person in that relationship who most often

ends up in a mental ward of the hospital is NOT the drunk...

after all, they have alcohol to medicate with...

but rather, it is the person who is trying so hard to live with them/deal with them.»

 

I would cancel the stuff-meeting.

Fu*k your stuff. Fu*k his stuff.

It is just that, stuff.

 

If it is very important to Pierre the partier, get a friend to drop his stuff off at his place.

Or you drop it off, whilst he is out.

Or mail it.

 

Do not meet with him.

 

I am onto you, cristy, you want to meet so that this can happen:

He'll be all:

«Seeing you with my stuff made me realise what jerk I was, and that I still love you.

take me back.

I can make you love meeeeeee.

I want to try again.»

 

It won't.

It is time to kick some ass.

 

If you have to meet him, write the no contact message on piece of paper,

no changes, and put it in the box/bag you give him when you give him his precious shi… stuff.

He'll read it 3 months from now, the reason for that is:

that is when he'll remember, «oh yeah, my «precious» stuff that I made my ex give back 3 months ago.

Lemme see, an empty deodorant bottle, a pen, a t-shirt I hate, huh, what is this? (picks up the handwritten no contact message and reads it)»

 

Hey, I broke up with her, and now she is in a way breaking up with MEEEEEE?!?!? What the hell?!

 

Oh, no, I thought I was over her, but now I am starting to think about her day and night,

Why?

Maybe I was too quick to dump her?

 

What big decisions?

What will she say?

Why haven't I heard from her yet, 3 months, boy, long time.

Maybe she met someone new?

Hmm, he is probably handsome. And not a pot head...

 

Hmm. cristy said, she'll contact me, but no harm in texting her, that I got the message. Muhaha! I am soooo clever. Then I have the upper hand when she responds.

There, done, I just texted her: «hi, cristy. I got your message. LOL»

 

1 hour later:

Why hasn't she texted back?

 

1 day later:

She still hasn't texted back?

 

1 month:

OMG, I blew it, I broke up with the best girl in the world. Fuuuuuuuck meeeeee.

 

4 months later: Still no word. I am hurting so bad.

Maybe stop smoking pot.

If she makes contact, I better be in better shape than last time.

 

6 months later:

Still no word. Gaah! I am sober, and I miss her.

Let me read that no contact letter one more time.

Hope she gets in touch.

What will she say?

7 months later:

She called, she wants to meet for coffee. I am the happiest guy in the world!

 

24 months later:

She and I have a much better relationship this time.

When we fight, we don't break up, since we now how awful being apart feels like,

so we'll do anything but that.

We'll talk instead of breaking up.

We are a stronger couple thanks to the no contact message.

 

Yes, this sounds like fiction, but this will happen.

 

Things have to change to be able to start a new relationship -

this is the part people never really get -

they try to hold on, but all they are holding onto is a broken relationship.

 

The longer you hold onto that old broken relationship -

the longer you will have to wait to start a new one.

 

If you won't release the broken empty cup in your hand -

how can you pick up a new one?

 

You just stand there, and suffer - what's the point?

 

The bottom line is you both have to let go, and move on from the old relationship in order to

start a new relationship (with either the improved ex or a new man you have yet met).

 

Dating someone that does drugs or drinks is like like begging and pleading a rose to not be a rose.

 

No words, no pain, no reasoning will make anyone stay when all they want to do is leave.

I read this rose metaphore somewhere:

«You see, I begged that rose to stop being a rose, it couldn't,

so I just sat back and watched the rose die.

 

I didn't water it,

I put it in the darkest room of the house and watched it wither away and die.

 

The rose is still a rose but now its a dead rose!

 

The beauty of it has faded away and the sweet smell it once possessed

will now turn your stomach.

 

I crumbled it up and threw it in the trash.»

 

Focus on you.

 

Then fill your heart and mind with positivity.

This will not only make you feel better, but it will attract more positive things into your life.

 

If your ex coming back really is a positive thing -

it will happen.

 

That I am 100% sure of.

  • Author
Posted
You shouldn't be dating anyone if you are trying to get someone back. It's not fair to the guy you are dating -- I don't care how many wink faces you use to try to mask that. I think that one month of NC with your ex is not nearly enough. I think at least three months minimum is what you need.

 

But you need to figure out what the deal is with the new guy you are dating. Please don't use him as a pawn -- either to fill an emotional or physical void and certainly do not use him as a pawn to try to "wake up your ex. That's dirty pool.

 

Either way, I think it's best you cancel the meeting with the ex (get him to mail the stuff or pack it in a box for you to grab when he's not at home) and don't even entertain it while you are dating the new guy.

 

Look, it's not like I have some sort of agenda to get him back. We were together for two years, and I was allergic to couples and anything love related before that. He's the one guy that has ever made me think I might want a family some day. That's how deep I felt and still feel for him. So obviously, after only a month of NC those feelings haven't gone anywhere. Ï'm starting to think they will never go away... not entirely at least.

 

As for the new guy, I'm many things, but a cold selfish b*tch is not one of them. I HAVE been very honest with him. He knows how I feel about my ex, and he knows at this point in my life I don't even want to hear about lovey dovey sh*t or relationships or anything remotely related to romance. We meet, we have a good time, and then we go back to our lives. That was the deal and he claims he's ok with it. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions, so I don't see how I'm hurting anyone here.

 

I'm prepared to be judged - again - for being shallow or whatever... but honestly it's been hell without my ex, and this casual thing takes my mind off of it for a while. Sorry if I'm not lying in my bed crying my eyes out, losing weight and pushing my friends and family away from me. I already did that the first time we broke up and it ain't pretty. I'm not doing that to myself again.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Hi, Cristy

 

Dealing with an ex is difficult.

Dealing with an ex that drinks too much or smoke pot,

or does drugs is exhausting.

 

My ex was on his way to become an alcoholic.

 

He broke up with me, whilst drunk.

 

In the 10 months we had no contact he started therapy and rehab,

and that is the only reason I broke no contact, and the reason we are dating now.

 

We are taking it slow, have just met with him a handful of times.

No heavy talks, or anything like that. It is like a new relationship.

 

The reason I knew this, therapy and rehab, was because he wrote me whilst we had no contact,

 

I responded with:

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

 

This is the message I sent him after he broke up with me,

and I sent him when he contacted me during my 10 months of no contact.

 

A few months after he wrote me about his therapy, he had done therapy and rehab from February, I called him, and here we are.

If you think no contact is a fu*king roller coaster,

then I can tell you reconnect is a fu*king merry go 'round.

 

If dildo face, what I call my ex, starts to act like he did before the break up,

or something like that, I have to NOT fall into my old patter:

- make excuses for him,

- focus on him, and forget myself,

- tell myself it is my fault he drinks,

- cover up for him,

- try harder to make him love me,

- think: What if I did this?,

or: what if I just did that?

 

It is hard, believe me, but I am ready.

I am emotionally ready.

 

You, my friend, are not emotionally ready.

And even if you were, he is not.

So I would tell you the same.

 

We all have some evolving to do.

You can only start over so many times, before it's over for good.

This is your third break up, correct?

 

Emotional control is key to success -

remember that while you're in no contact

 

If I learn that dildo face hasn't changed, during the reconnect phase (a few months) or starts to pull away:

 

I know what to do:

resend the no contact message I suggest.

And go back to no contact, my batcave.

And think:

«Right now I'm just busy focusing on my life - scr*w him and his issues -

he can continue through life never facing up to his sh*t and end up alone and miserable.»

 

Like we all tell each other on this forum, no contact is all about you.

 

Get your life back first, worry about your ex second - if at all - your choice.

 

The sooner that sinks in, the better - for you.

 

This story is from my break up buddy in Virginia:

 

«I have a friend who used to counsel me at the end of my marriage and after my marriage ended.

 

He is actually a social worker and a recovering alcoholic of 30 years.

He told me one time that in a relationship between a «drunk» (as he so often puts it these days)

and a family member/friend/significant other, that the person in that relationship who most often

ends up in a mental ward of the hospital is NOT the drunk...

after all, they have alcohol to medicate with...

but rather, it is the person who is trying so hard to live with them/deal with them.»

 

I would cancel the stuff-meeting.

Fu*k your stuff. Fu*k his stuff.

It is just that, stuff.

 

If it is very important to Pierre the partier, get a friend to drop his stuff off at his place.

Or you drop it off, whilst he is out.

Or mail it.

 

Do not meet with him.

 

I am onto you, cristy, you want to meet so that this can happen:

He'll be all:

«Seeing you with my stuff made me realise what jerk I was, and that I still love you.

take me back.

I can make you love meeeeeee.

I want to try again.»

 

It won't.

It is time to kick some ass.

 

If you have to meet him, write the no contact message on piece of paper,

no changes, and put it in the box/bag you give him when you give him his precious shi… stuff.

He'll read it 3 months from now, the reason for that is:

that is when he'll remember, «oh yeah, my «precious» stuff that I made my ex give back 3 months ago.

Lemme see, an empty deodorant bottle, a pen, a t-shirt I hate, huh, what is this? (picks up the handwritten no contact message and reads it)»

 

Hey, I broke up with her, and now she is in a way breaking up with MEEEEEE?!?!? What the hell?!

 

Oh, no, I thought I was over her, but now I am starting to think about her day and night,

Why?

Maybe I was too quick to dump her?

 

What big decisions?

What will she say?

Why haven't I heard from her yet, 3 months, boy, long time.

Maybe she met someone new?

Hmm, he is probably handsome. And not a pot head...

 

Hmm. cristy said, she'll contact me, but no harm in texting her, that I got the message. Muhaha! I am soooo clever. Then I have the upper hand when she responds.

There, done, I just texted her: «hi, cristy. I got your message. LOL»

 

1 hour later:

Why hasn't she texted back?

 

1 day later:

She still hasn't texted back?

 

1 month:

OMG, I blew it, I broke up with the best girl in the world. Fuuuuuuuck meeeeee.

 

4 months later: Still no word. I am hurting so bad.

Maybe stop smoking pot.

If she makes contact, I better be in better shape than last time.

 

6 months later:

Still no word. Gaah! I am sober, and I miss her.

Let me read that no contact letter one more time.

Hope she gets in touch.

What will she say?

7 months later:

She called, she wants to meet for coffee. I am the happiest guy in the world!

 

24 months later:

She and I have a much better relationship this time.

When we fight, we don't break up, since we now how awful being apart feels like,

so we'll do anything but that.

We'll talk instead of breaking up.

We are a stronger couple thanks to the no contact message.

 

Yes, this sounds like fiction, but this will happen.

 

Things have to change to be able to start a new relationship -

this is the part people never really get -

they try to hold on, but all they are holding onto is a broken relationship.

 

The longer you hold onto that old broken relationship -

the longer you will have to wait to start a new one.

 

If you won't release the broken empty cup in your hand -

how can you pick up a new one?

 

You just stand there, and suffer - what's the point?

 

The bottom line is you both have to let go, and move on from the old relationship in order to

start a new relationship (with either the improved ex or a new man you have yet met).

 

Dating someone that does drugs or drinks is like like begging and pleading a rose to not be a rose.

 

No words, no pain, no reasoning will make anyone stay when all they want to do is leave.

I read this rose metaphore somewhere:

«You see, I begged that rose to stop being a rose, it couldn't,

so I just sat back and watched the rose die.

 

I didn't water it,

I put it in the darkest room of the house and watched it wither away and die.

 

The rose is still a rose but now its a dead rose!

 

The beauty of it has faded away and the sweet smell it once possessed

will now turn your stomach.

 

I crumbled it up and threw it in the trash.»

 

Focus on you.

 

Then fill your heart and mind with positivity.

This will not only make you feel better, but it will attract more positive things into your life.

 

If your ex coming back really is a positive thing -

it will happen.

 

That I am 100% sure of.

 

I had to read this 2 or 3 times because I can't believe I FINALLY get a response from someone who understands what it's like dealing with a boyfriend with an addiction problem..

I was starting to think I was paranoid, linking some of our problems to him smoking pot. Looks like any addiction can screw up a relationship...

You know he broke up with me while he was high??? BOTH times? (yes, it's my second break up)

 

I'm so doing the note thing. Thank you so much for that. And for sharing your story.. it makes me happy to hear this has worked out for someone.

 

The only difference is... he's totally ok with it. Smoking pot. He often says he can go without it (not that I've ever seen him TRY, but whatever...), that it's a CHOICE, and it's not something that he can't control. Yeah.. right...

 

That's why I said before that I don't have an agenda to get him back. I love him, so very much, but this pot thing is unbearable. One moment he says he's favorite color is blue, the next thing he's loved black all his life. And I wouldn't mind if it were just tiny little things like that, but it was the same confusion and inconsistency when he talked about his feelings for me and our relationship. One minute he wanted kids and couldn't imagine life without me, the next thing you know he's saying it's not working and he's not happy (my fault, btw) and we have to break up!

 

I'd love to be with him. The one that is NOT high. Seriously it's like dating two different people. One loving, caring, funny, smart guy and one selfish, lazy, unfocused and often cruel with his remaks guy.

And, along the way, I lost myself at some point too.

- make excuses for him

when my friends and family pointed out how much of an ass he was to me sometimes, guess what i'd say? he's tired from work, he's had such a tought life, he has many things to worry about blahblahblah

- focus on him, and forget myself,

it's been ages since i picked up my guitar or write or go to the gym because most of the time, i was just making sure he had something to eat when he came back from work, and the laundry was done, and the place was clean... my god, i was a f*cking housewife

- tell myself it is my fault he drinks/smokes

he actually had the NERVE to blame it on ME once... that was epic

- cover up for him

- try harder to make him love me

oh... this. i did this alright. and guess what? it only got me to him thinking he could mop the floor with me anytime he wanted to (not literally of course, he's never laid a hand on me). honestly i think he ended up treating me like crap because he realized i would be there for him no matter what.. i kind of think this was my fault.

- think: What if I did this?,

or: what if I just did that?

 

So yeah.. all this sound familiar to me. And I don't want to fall into that pattern again.

I guess we BOTH have a lot to work on.. I know we can't get back together right now, but I strongly believe if we fixed all these things, we'd actually be very, very happy. I'm only explaining terrible things here, but there were beautiful, movie-like moments in our relationship. And he loved each other so, so much... not a day passed we didn't make each other laugh. we always had fun together... we have so much in common.. I just don't think I should give up on something that I truly believe is special.

I hope he comes to his senses and realizes how much he's missing out on life. I'm not talking about us, but when he's high all he does is lay on the couch, play videogames and eat. I'm not saying that's not a great plan for a sunday afternoon... but when it's an everyday thing... All he does is get high, sleep, go to work, eat, get high, sleep.... how can he not see it??

 

But anyway... you're right. This time should be about me.

thank you so much Thora-tiki. Really, you've been extremely helpful :o

  • Like 1
Posted

One tip?

 

Listen more than you talk. :)

  • Author
Posted
One tip?

 

Listen more than you talk. :)

 

That's actually great advice :) thanks

Posted

you're very welcome :)

Posted

You are welcome, cristy.

 

I remember that feeling, of not being able to listen.

 

I was so exhausted by carrying this dead weight for 6 years, my ex,

or dildo face as I call him on here.

 

And never being heard, that I had forgotten how to listen.

Or even how it felt to be heard.

Old dildo face was always too drunk or selfish to listen to me.

 

Being active on this forum, supporting other members, reminded me that I have a voice,

and that people do listen to me.

This message, that I am suggesting, is meant to flip both your switches,

and start your personal evolutions together.

 

Not that you'll see what he is doing, but I guarantee you it will do something to him:

Shake him to his core.

 

You will plant a seed with the no contact message,

and you need to let it grow.

No contact does wonders for our exes, but it does a number on us too!

 

And sometimes in ways we don't understand.

 

We see things happening around us, on this forum, we see some couples getting back together,

we see others not getting back together, but feeling great about it, etc.

 

And we want something to happen. Yesterday!

 

For me that something had more to do with me.

No contact is about and for us. We need to recover.

We need to become a better, more confident person.

 

It is irrelevant what the ex is doing or thinking.

 

And after your no contact time, if the ex-hole hasn't evolved himself,

you don't want him.

So during this no contact time - great that you are considering using the message I am suggesting -

do those things that make you happy.

 

Since I know you may be thinking, only ex makes me happy, and we can all relate to that thought,

here are some tips to use/do during no contact:

 

- Start journaling, write down the hurt and pain, and progress. And also write down texts you want to send him.

- Delete his number, write it down on a piece of paper, and give it to a trusted friend, and say:

I have to really make a good case to get you to give it to me.

 

Delete e-mail address and e-mails, throw out his stuff, etc.

If you must keep pictures, lovey-dowyey e-mails from ex-hole,

transfer every picture of him and you over to a place on the Mac you won't see everyday,

and call the file: ex-hole, or camel toe, or sh*t face, or a name that won't automatically remind you of ex-hole just by seeing the filename.

 

- Wish your ex-hole all the best (you don't need to wish her the best life, kids and super model husband or anything specific, but wish her all the best -

just like that, no elaborate life, just: all the best.

 

I wished my ex-hole the best, I didn't picture him with anybody, I pictured him alive and well. If I had bad days and started to think:

He is dating!

I pictured him dating Dolly Duck from Duckburg!

 

I really believe in the power of thoughts, so I don't want to think of him with a supermodel,

but I can think about him and Dolly Duck.)

 

- Working out

- Laughing

 

- Reading

 

- I read and used the e-book Magic of making up, to help me make a plan. Because you'll need a plan for when you are in no contact.

Even if you didn't want the ex-hole back, I would have told you:

You need a plan. If you PM me your e-mail address I can mail the e-book to you.

 

- Hanging out with friends

 

- Not think too much about the past, think of the past as a cemetery.

Nothing lives in the past. It is like visiting a cemetery.

You pay your respects, acknowledge your time together and move on with life.

- Let go of the old failed relationship

 

- Do something new every day or week or month

 

- Spending time with your family and friends

- Pet every furry animal that comes your way

 

- Explore your city, be a tourist in your own city

- Make a list over restaurants or places you want to go to on dates, hell, eat at them as well,

do the research with a friend, and have fun making the list,

so that when you reconnect with ex, or start dating a new guy, you have this list with great tips!

 

Give your ex-hole hardline no contact.

 

They can't miss you if you are always there for them.

Plus you can't move on* with your life if you are checking his Fjasbok, what I call Facebook, all the time.

 

* Most people fear the phrase «move on» they seem to think it is the end of the world, and it is -

it is the end of that fu*ked up roller coaster world you have been living in with your ex.

People should remember that «moving on» is really just moving forward and leaving

the past behind and preparing for an even better future having learned from

your past mistakes -

when they get their ex back - without evolving - nothing has changed -

the fu*ked up roller coaster starts all over again.

 

Only this time the roller coaster wagon will be missing some important parts..

 

Use the time to transform yourself, physically and mentally.

 

I made progress that astonished even myself by focusing solely on my own wants.

 

Be utterly selfish.

 

During my no contact period my (then) ex (dildo face) became, in many respects, dead to me.

Forgive your ex for whatever they have done to you.

Take your pain out somewhere and dig it a grave.

Literally bury it.

Going out, and having fun, maybe even dating, is the quickest way to evolve past a break up and get your life back,

positive energy attracts more positive energy.

 

We don't need the ex to be happy. You know this.

But you need to take this one day at a time.

 

My advice is to either send him the message, or give it to him, in the bag when you meet to exchange stuff:

(text, e-mail, handwritten letter and send it with snail mail, drop it in the bag he gets when you exchange shi... stuff, anyway you are sure he'll get it),

so that he can re-read it like a love letter, and he will, when he misses you, and, girl, he'll miss you.

 

Do this, send it, if he takes forever to make a date to meet to exchange your sh... stuff.

 

He seems wishy-washy, so make a dead line, if he hasn't agreed to meet in a week or two to exchange shi... stuff, you'll send him the no contact message.

 

Go no contact with the message and try to put him out of your thoughts for now.

 

During no contact I realised this:

I would rather have dildo face wonder - if he was ever going to think about me at all - about what I was doing -

instead of giving him the power of knowing by breaking no contact,

or be his friend - especially when it wouldn't be reciprocated.

 

Then in a while if/when you see your ex around, not because you slept outside his building, hoping to get a glimpse of him.

 

No, you either bumped into him on the street, par hazard*, or almost a year has passed, and you decided:

Hey I am ready to break no contact, and call him for a short get together.

 

* These are my tips for when you are in no contact, or for when you have to interact with ex-hole when you exchange your shi... stuff:

 

You don't have to hide when you are using the no contact to evolve past a break up. But it is healthy to be a bit paranoid.

 

You just need to make sure you know how to handle any situations that might arise if your ex runs into you.

 

1. Be polite, if he says «hi» say «hi» back, and then move along.

 

2. Do not get dragged into any deep conversations about anything, with your ex.

Just say «I do not want to talk», or «I am not ready to talk» if he wants to talk about the relationship/no contact message.

 

3. If he won't leave you alone because he is an as*hole or drunk or both - leave/cross the street/room.

 

4. Be prepared for the fact he might try to make you jealous by hanging all over some women.

 

5. Don't get drunk, you will be sure to fu*k up if you do that.

 

Stay sober and use your common sense, and you should be fine.

This goes for any situation, at the gym, on the street, at a restaurant - etc.

 

Ex-hole will see you, and wonder why you look so damn good, so not bothered, so over it -

and he will want it bad!

 

It is not about making someone love you, it is about choosing what you want to do, and then do it.

 

If you sit around thinking about all the reasons it won’t work,

what good does that do you?

 

The idea is to go for it, and maybe along the way another door will open,

if the one your after is closed.

I read that you have bills (if it isn't bills, write what the unfinished business is, just make it short and sweet)/

unfinished business with the ex,

then you use this message:

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

Unless it is about the (bills/unfinished business).

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

 

I found on how to kick loves ass the one you use if you have unfinished business.

 

If you already gave/sent him the message I suggested in a earlier post,

or you no longer care about the unfinished business, use the one I suggested in an earlier post.

 

Read some of the success stories on how to kick loves ass, don't remember if I shared this link:

Relationship Break Up Success Stories « How to Kick Loves Ass - Break Up Help Forum

 

Follow the members diary, and see how they evolved past the break up,

and reconnected. I still read on that forum, just to get inspired.

 

If you break no contact, with a how are you?-text here, a happy birthday-text there, you must re-send the message, no changes.

 

You need to re-send it, no changes, if you break it (or he texts you):

 

Because you said in your no contact message you would be in touch when you are ready (but you're not ready, right?), if you send little greetings here and there, a text here and a text there, you are sending mixed signals.)

 

Keep us updated, buddy.

 

PM me any time, if you need to.

Posted

- Wish your ex-hole all the best (you don't need to wish her the best life, kids and supermodel husband or anything specific, but wish her all the best -

just like that, no elaborate life, just: all the best.

 

Bahaha! I meant wife and him - bien sûr! :laugh:

 

Sorry about that, buddy!

  • Author
Posted

Ok so.. This is confusing.

I've been meaning to update you guys, but it's just been an emotional rollercoaster..

So, i went and met him. I was nice but distant. No hugs or anything just polite small talk. He made me a coffee while we solved the money/bills issue. I was ready to leave, right at the doorstep, and we huged and next thing we're kissing.. It would have gone further than that but i found some nerve and stopped the whole thing. After that we made the mistale of talking about our feelings. He said he misses me but that he's scared we will go back to what we used to be.. And we'll be unhappy again. I told him that right now its best for us to be apart.. But i could look him in the eye and tell him i didnt want anything else to do with him. That would have been a lie and i am a terrible liar. Besides he sees right through me, so i didnt even have to say it out loud..

Now i dont know what the hell im feeling. I just.. After all we've been through, i we still have feelings for each other, doesnt that mean anything? Im also scared that this was a huge mistake.. And i dont even know what i want.. For him to just disappear for a while... Or a call next week saying he cant stop thinking about me.. Damn why does it have to be so complicated?

Posted
Ok so.. This is confusing.

I've been meaning to update you guys, but it's just been an emotional rollercoaster..

So, i went and met him. I was nice but distant. No hugs or anything just polite small talk. He made me a coffee while we solved the money/bills issue. I was ready to leave, right at the doorstep, and we huged and next thing we're kissing.. It would have gone further than that but i found some nerve and stopped the whole thing. After that we made the mistale of talking about our feelings. He said he misses me but that he's scared we will go back to what we used to be.. And we'll be unhappy again. I told him that right now its best for us to be apart.. But i could look him in the eye and tell him i didnt want anything else to do with him. That would have been a lie and i am a terrible liar. Besides he sees right through me, so i didnt even have to say it out loud..

Now i dont know what the hell im feeling. I just.. After all we've been through, i we still have feelings for each other, doesnt that mean anything? Im also scared that this was a huge mistake.. And i dont even know what i want.. For him to just disappear for a while... Or a call next week saying he cant stop thinking about me.. Damn why does it have to be so complicated?

 

Just go NC. He's still confused, and only time can help that. I know it's really frustrating because you want to feel like you are doing something. The truth is that all you can do is move on. If he wants to initiate getting back together somewhere down the line, that's fine. Unfortunately, right now, all you can DO is keep moving. I'm in the same boat, and the only way I found freedom was to completely give up up wanting to get back together and move on. NC really helps you face the reality of it, and you have no choice but to pick yourself up and keep moving.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Just go NC. He's still confused, and only time can help that. I know it's really frustrating because you want to feel like you are doing something. The truth is that all you can do is move on. If he wants to initiate getting back together somewhere down the line, that's fine. Unfortunately, right now, all you can DO is keep moving. I'm in the same boat, and the only way I found freedom was to completely give up up wanting to get back together and move on. NC really helps you face the reality of it, and you have no choice but to pick yourself up and keep moving.

 

I can tell he's having trouble understanding his own feelings.

Im gonna give him the space he so certainly needs... I just kinda hope that he truly misses me and not just having someone around

  • Author
Posted

But yeah its really frustrating sitting here and just wait for him to make up his mind.. Feels like i should do something because theres like a hundred mixed feelings going on inside of me right now. But it's not about me, i see that now. I love him no matter what, i just need for him to figure out if he can feel the same for me or not. And i guess only time will answer that for both of us

Posted
But yeah its really frustrating sitting here and just wait for him to make up his mind.. Feels like i should do something because theres like a hundred mixed feelings going on inside of me right now. But it's not about me, i see that now. I love him no matter what, i just need for him to figure out if he can feel the same for me or not. And i guess only time will answer that for both of us

 

I have been through this exact scenario. Sitting around, waiting for someone to make his mind up. My ex is actually worse than yours because he flat out stated that he might want to reconcile but isn't sure. But don't wait on him. But he really misses me. Date someone else if I want to. But it would be really hard on him if that happened. He really wants it to work. But he just doesn't know if it will. Blah, Blah, Blah.

 

After 4 months of this, I went NC because I was slowly dying everyday. Do not entertain or contact anyone who is undecided. End of story. Remember, his indecision holds no power over you. Only you can make the decision to move forward.

Posted
I have been through this exact scenario. Sitting around, waiting for someone to make his mind up. My ex is actually worse than yours because he flat out stated that he might want to reconcile but isn't sure. But don't wait on him. But he really misses me. Date someone else if I want to. But it would be really hard on him if that happened. He really wants it to work. But he just doesn't know if it will. Blah, Blah, Blah.

 

After 4 months of this, I went NC because I was slowly dying everyday. Do not entertain or contact anyone who is undecided. End of story. Remember, his indecision holds no power over you. Only you can make the decision to move forward.

 

 

Even if OP's boyfriend wanted to give it a try, they have broken up twice already. I strongly believe he has to be 100% sure, not just him but OP too. Time apart is sooooo needed.

 

Good luck, OP!! You can always come and vent here!

 

BTW, how old is your ex? And what kind of drug problems does he have?

Posted

cristy wrote:

Ok so. This is confusing.

 

Well I am not, confused, and this is not complicated, or unique.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, but I am not confused.

And in advance, sorry, I may sound harsh in my long reply.

 

He is not ready to reconnect, that is why you got lips and the «unique»,

the sentence no-one on here has heard before (I am being sarcastic)

«He said he misses me but that he's scared we will go back to what we used to be =

I don't know what I want» from the stupid ex-hole.

 

Listen to me, cristy.

 

Even if your ex-hole had said:

«I love you. I miss you. Let's try again. Let's kiss some more and make up.

We can work through this.»

 

But you know what?

 

He said and did all those things whilst you were dating, right,

and what happened in the end?

He still broke up with you.

 

Also, you know what it is like to date someone on drugs,

must be similar to dating someone abusing alcohol.

 

I made this promise to myself during no contact:

 

Only to break no contact if dildo face wrote or said:

«I have stopped drinking»

or «it has been months since my last drink».

 

So he couldn't win me back with: I miss yous or I love yous.

 

And even then, I would wait many months before I made contact with him.

 

Your ex-hole is NOT starting to feel he has made a mistake,

it has only been days since you last saw each other.

And not that long ago since the break up.

 

He is just feeling he doesn't want to be alone, and needs someone to get him over the hump, so to speak.

You are that someone.

 

He is showing classic signs of someone abusing drugs, drug of choice: pot.

 

He probably thought that being with you, when he wanted to, would help him get on the right track,

and stop being a fu*king loser pot head, and wasting his, and your, life on drugs.

This is a common belief for someone using drugs or alcohol to escape what is really going on.

 

But since he still hasn't dealt with the reason he is using pot,

the pot will still have a grip on him, and the pot will ALWAYS win.

This would have been your future, yes, today I am Madame thora-tiki, for 20 dollars I can tell you the future:

 

- He'd be high during your month of no contact, since you don't dare to have no contact longer,

since you are afraid he'll meet someone new in 27 days. Someone that thinks him on pot is so fun and lovely*.

- He'd be high when you two reconnected. (Super)

- He'd be high when you moved in together. (Lovely)

- He'd be high when he proposes - and this is him saying when smoking a doobie:

«will you... hehehe... that camel has a hump... marry... it wasn't a camel... hehe… it was a cloud... me?… hehehe...»

- He'd be high at your wedding. (And I, thora-tiki, am declining the wedding invitation right here, right now,

I don't want any part of that fu*king pot wedding)

- He'd always be high the next day. (Nice)

- He'd find someone selling pot on your honeymoon,

even if you tried to make the honeymoon someplace where someone selling that sh*t are scarce. (Fabulous)

 

- He'd be high the night you two make...hehe... that lamp has a shade...hehe... love, and make a baby. (Even better)

 

- He will not NOT use pot for 9 months, to be supportive of you, since you have to be sober those months. (Yay)

- He will not be a good father, he will probably be high almost everyday,

and ask you to get that kid to shut up, when the little 3 month old is crying. (Awww)

- He will be out back getting high, or sit home smoking, when you need him the most. (Great)

- He will NOT be there for you. (What a catch!)

 

* Why do people think if they let go of their ex for a few months months or more,

they will never get them back, but in the next breath say that their ex loved them as much as they loved their ex?

 

If their ex loved them as much as they believed, then what's the worry, they will want you back again.

Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex away.

 

He knows that the pot always gives him the same result every time he smokes.

 

You, on the other hand, are more complex.

You are not the same everyday, and you talk back, something the pot does not do.

 

The pot will always win. He will always chose himself, the pot, what he wants, and maybe,

if you are lucky, you come as number four on his list.

(I think I was number 6 on old dildo face's list.)

 

It's all about him. He plays a victim... Wah. Wah. Wah.

Your fu*king ex needs to evolve (and man up) something fierce, he is selfish and a fu*king crybaby to boot.

Some questions to ask yourself: 


- Do you really want to be with this person? 


- What good does he offer you? 


- Why are you really with him? 


- What can you do to cope with his smoking pot and continue to live your own life?

- Are you prepared to do so?

You can not change him.

 

If you enter into a relationship hoping to change your partner, you will fail, I have made that mistake myself. Gaah!

 

It is not your job to change him.

 

Please, start no contact. TODAY!

 

This is not about him, this is about you taking back control, and getting your life back.

 

Cristy, I want to reach out, through the wires of Internet, and grab you, and shake you!

 

Wake the fu*k up!

 

What the other posters don't know, or get,

because they may not have been dating someone that has a drug/drinking problem, is:

 

Dating someone using drugs or abusing drugs,

is that to date them is not the same as to date someone commitment phobic, «normal» flaky guy.

 

My ex loved alcohol.

 

Your ex loves pot.

 

In your relationship there was three people:

you, him and pot.

 

This will never end in a good way unless you get that, and that he has to stop using drugs,

and he has to realise he has to stop using drugs, on his own, you can not tell him that.

 

So you can not use this, telling him to quit drugs, as a way of seeing him... again.

 

He knows how you feel about this.

 

After my ex broke up with me, I never said anything to him about:

«If you stop drinking and start rehab and therapy then I will get in touch».

 

Even when he wrote me, after two months of no contact,

«I don't know what to do to».

Because I knew he knew how I felt about the alcohol.

 

Kick the pot smoking douche bag off the pedestal you put him on,

and place yourself there instead.

 

You need to think about yourself first, then your ex.

Like on planes, they tell us to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on others.

 

You need to put yourself first. Since I believe you put your all in this relationship,

and kept nothing for yourself, he on the other hand, gave 35% and kept the rest for himself.

 

This is why he didn't feel he lost himself in the relationship, and can now act cool and wishy-washy,

he also had/has his fu*king «medicine» to keep him from ever really get attached to you or your old failed relationship.

 

You need time to heal, and get stronger - on the inside.

 

About waiting:

If you feel you are «waiting», that just means you are looking too far ahead.

This will ruin your personal evolution.

What do you think your ex/other guys finds more desirable?

A weepy woman waiting on her ex to come back,

or someone that other guys find attractive?

 

To me, yes, you are someone waiting.

So here are tips to what not to do/do during no contact:

 

- Sit there counting off 30 days and expecting your ex to come back like magic.

- Find any reason

(no matter how lame, like kissing and talking about your feelings like you just did when you were there to sort out unfinished business - yes hot)

to break no contact

and contact your ex out of fear they won’t remember you after 30 plus days of no contact.

- There is much work to be done during no contact and the faster you stop working against the break up

and start working with the right tools, the faster you'll be ready for reconnection, make sense?

- During your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your relationship to figure out

if you even want your ex back.

Once you calm down and start thinking you might realise it was a bad match after all,

or you will see that it was a great match, but there were some issues.

- List these issues as something to work on when you get back together with your ex later on.

- You also need to examine your past relationship to see where it started to fall apart,

every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex.

- The bottom line is, no contact is not a 30-90 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down,

and evaluate your emotional state,

work on the past problems, and plan for the future - with or without your ex.

- How will you know you are ready to meet?:

When you call and ask them out to a short meeting (coffee) and if they say «no»,

you can calmly accept that without panicking, there are more chances to do this later on, right?

- The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «just friends zone», is to properly use the no contact, and stick to it.

To me it seems like everything should be on his terms, when to meet, break up, throw up, hah, etc.

 

If you break up again, he'll know that you'll come crawling back, when he says:

Let's sort out this bill or this unfinished business, etc., like you did this time.

Maybe this was what he did last time as well?

He attempted to murder your heart, and then he swoops back into your life as if nothing has happened,

and even gets a kiss, but doesn't have to apologise or nothing.

 

This is the time for all or nothing.

  • Like 3
Posted

i disagree, you have control now and you need answers you need to tell him you aint gonna stay around for ever as its painful for you! i would give him a month to make his mind up and also add in relationship counseling

Posted
cristy wrote:

ok so. This is confusing.

 

well i am not, confused, and this is not complicated, or unique.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, but i am not confused.

and in advance, sorry, i may sound harsh in my long reply.

 

he is not ready to reconnect, that is why you got lips and the «unique»,

the sentence no-one on here has heard before (i am being sarcastic)

«he said he misses me but that he's scared we will go back to what we used to be =

i don't know what i want» from the stupid ex-hole.

 

Listen to me, cristy.

 

even if your ex-hole had said:

«i love you. I miss you. Let's try again. Let's kiss some more and make up.

We can work through this.»

 

but you know what?

 

he said and did all those things whilst you were dating, right,

and what happened in the end?

He still broke up with you.

 

also, you know what it is like to date someone on drugs,

must be similar to dating someone abusing alcohol.

 

I made this promise to myself during no contact:

 

only to break no contact if dildo face wrote or said:

«i have stopped drinking»

or «it has been months since my last drink».

 

so he couldn't win me back with: I miss yous or i love yous.

 

and even then, i would wait many months before i made contact with him.

 

Your ex-hole is not starting to feel he has made a mistake,

it has only been days since you last saw each other.

And not that long ago since the break up.

 

He is just feeling he doesn't want to be alone, and needs someone to get him over the hump, so to speak.

You are that someone.

 

he is showing classic signs of someone abusing drugs, drug of choice: Pot.

 

he probably thought that being with you, when he wanted to, would help him get on the right track,

and stop being a fu*king loser pot head, and wasting his, and your, life on drugs.

this is a common belief for someone using drugs or alcohol to escape what is really going on.

 

but since he still hasn't dealt with the reason he is using pot,

the pot will still have a grip on him, and the pot will always win.

this would have been your future, yes, today i am madame thora-tiki, for 20 dollars i can tell you the future:

 

- he'd be high during your month of no contact, since you don't dare to have no contact longer,

since you are afraid he'll meet someone new in 27 days. Someone that thinks him on pot is so fun and lovely*.

- he'd be high when you two reconnected. (super)

- he'd be high when you moved in together. (lovely)

- he'd be high when he proposes - and this is him saying when smoking a doobie:

«will you... Hehehe... That camel has a hump... Marry... It wasn't a camel... Hehe… it was a cloud... Me?… hehehe...»

- he'd be high at your wedding. (and i, thora-tiki, am declining the wedding invitation right here, right now,

i don't want any part of that fu*king pot wedding)

- he'd always be high the next day. (nice)

- he'd find someone selling pot on your honeymoon,

even if you tried to make the honeymoon someplace where someone selling that sh*t are scarce. (fabulous)

 

- he'd be high the night you two make...hehe... That lamp has a shade...hehe... Love, and make a baby. (even better)

 

- he will not not use pot for 9 months, to be supportive of you, since you have to be sober those months. (yay)

- he will not be a good father, he will probably be high almost everyday,

and ask you to get that kid to shut up, when the little 3 month old is crying. (awww)

- he will be out back getting high, or sit home smoking, when you need him the most. (great)

- he will not be there for you. (what a catch!)

 

* why do people think if they let go of their ex for a few months months or more,

they will never get them back, but in the next breath say that their ex loved them as much as they loved their ex?

 

If their ex loved them as much as they believed, then what's the worry, they will want you back again.

Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex away.

 

he knows that the pot always gives him the same result every time he smokes.

 

you, on the other hand, are more complex.

You are not the same everyday, and you talk back, something the pot does not do.

 

the pot will always win. he will always chose himself, the pot, what he wants, and maybe,

if you are lucky, you come as number four on his list.

(i think i was number 6 on old dildo face's list.)

 

it's all about him. He plays a victim... Wah. Wah. Wah.

your fu*king ex needs to evolve (and man up) something fierce, he is selfish and a fu*king crybaby to boot.

some questions to ask yourself: 


- do you really want to be with this person? 


- what good does he offer you? 


- why are you really with him? 


- what can you do to cope with his smoking pot and continue to live your own life?

- are you prepared to do so?

you can not change him.

 

if you enter into a relationship hoping to change your partner, you will fail, i have made that mistake myself. gaah!

 

it is not your job to change him.

 

please, start no contact. today!

 

this is not about him, this is about you taking back control, and getting your life back.

 

cristy, i want to reach out, through the wires of internet, and grab you, and shake you!

 

wake the fu*k up!

 

what the other posters don't know, or get,

because they may not have been dating someone that has a drug/drinking problem, is:

 

dating someone using drugs or abusing drugs,

is that to date them is not the same as to date someone commitment phobic, «normal» flaky guy.

 

my ex loved alcohol.

 

Your ex loves pot.

 

in your relationship there was three people:

You, him and pot.

 

this will never end in a good way unless you get that, and that he has to stop using drugs,

and he has to realise he has to stop using drugs, on his own, you can not tell him that.

 

so you can not use this, telling him to quit drugs, as a way of seeing him... again.

 

He knows how you feel about this.

 

After my ex broke up with me, i never said anything to him about:

«if you stop drinking and start rehab and therapy then i will get in touch».

 

Even when he wrote me, after two months of no contact,

«i don't know what to do to».

because i knew he knew how i felt about the alcohol.

 

kick the pot smoking douche bag off the pedestal you put him on,

and place yourself there instead.

 

you need to think about yourself first, then your ex.

like on planes, they tell us to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on others.

 

you need to put yourself first. Since i believe you put your all in this relationship,

and kept nothing for yourself, he on the other hand, gave 35% and kept the rest for himself.

 

this is why he didn't feel he lost himself in the relationship, and can now act cool and wishy-washy,

he also had/has his fu*king «medicine» to keep him from ever really get attached to you or your old failed relationship.

 

you need time to heal, and get stronger - on the inside.

 

about waiting:

if you feel you are «waiting», that just means you are looking too far ahead.

this will ruin your personal evolution.

what do you think your ex/other guys finds more desirable?

a weepy woman waiting on her ex to come back,

or someone that other guys find attractive?

 

to me, yes, you are someone waiting.

so here are tips to what not to do/do during no contact:

 

- sit there counting off 30 days and expecting your ex to come back like magic.

- find any reason

(no matter how lame, like kissing and talking about your feelings like you just did when you were there to sort out unfinished business - yes hot)

to break no contact

and contact your ex out of fear they won’t remember you after 30 plus days of no contact.

- there is much work to be done during no contact and the faster you stop working against the break up

and start working with the right tools, the faster you'll be ready for reconnection, make sense?

- during your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your relationship to figure out

if you even want your ex back.

Once you calm down and start thinking you might realise it was a bad match after all,

or you will see that it was a great match, but there were some issues.

- list these issues as something to work on when you get back together with your ex later on.

- you also need to examine your past relationship to see where it started to fall apart,

every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex.

- the bottom line is, no contact is not a 30-90 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down,

and evaluate your emotional state,

work on the past problems, and plan for the future - with or without your ex.

- how will you know you are ready to meet?:

when you call and ask them out to a short meeting (coffee) and if they say «no»,

you can calmly accept that without panicking, there are more chances to do this later on, right?

- the fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «just friends zone», is to properly use the no contact, and stick to it.

to me it seems like everything should be on his terms, when to meet, break up, throw up, hah, etc.

 

if you break up again, he'll know that you'll come crawling back, when he says:

Let's sort out this bill or this unfinished business, etc., like you did this time.

Maybe this was what he did last time as well?

he attempted to murder your heart, and then he swoops back into your life as if nothing has happened,

and even gets a kiss, but doesn't have to apologise or nothing.

 

This is the time for all or nothing.

 

 

pure gold!!

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