AnyaNova Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Definitely with OLD, and probably, unless something surprising happens with dating in general. I just freaking give up. It really makes me sad to say this. I am a person who really does need a good amount of physical affection to be completely happy (I don't know why this is, it just is) and to function best. But I am sick of all of the obvious online booty calls when I have made it clear on my profile that that is not what I'm looking for. I am sick of this tendency of mine to always want to be sure that I'm giving people a fair chance and be sure I've collected enough evidence that it wouldn't work before sending them on their way, that I end up being given the boot by all these really bad train wrecks. I mean, if someone in my real life (like this would actually happen, since I don't really come into contact with many single people my age) asked me out, I would be willing to give it a shot. But I think I am just going to focus on my classes, getting my ADD not just under control enough to "make it-ish" but to really manage it well, getting my body taken care of...i.e. exercise, and maybe, if time, add on some kind of fun class or hobby thing that involves interacting with other people. I guess the question I have, and I realize how silly and pathetic it sounds, but how do I avoid, since I am an introvert who needs plenty of quiet time and alone time which weekends tend to be the only time I can take much, how do I not feel like the loser, pathetic ex sitting around the house alone while her ex might be off having the relationship of his life? But I know that I'm tired of the OLD thing. I'm tired of the guys who come to 60 gazillion wrong conclusions about me, who I am, what I want, and everything else, and then ditch me because of them. And it just seems so mechanical. And I don't know. I haven't decided whether I'll take down my profile, but I do know that I am done with it. But it really hurts, because I am really starting to fear that I will be alone all of my life. And I kid you not when I say that I am a person who just needs cuddles with a significant other. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 You really do need to take sometime for yourself, because you do sound sad 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris715 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I'm right there with you. Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just say **** it and give up on people altogether. I'm young (22) and have hardly had any relationships so far in my life and yet I already feel like a cynic towards them because all they've done is caused me trouble and pain. I don't know if I'm just having a rough day today or what but **** people, seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
AnnaAnna Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Don't give up on love just yet. I know there are men out there who would love you just the way you are. Age is nothing but a number. Focus on yourself right now and when you are ready get out and start meeting people. You have a lot to offer and somebody will appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
lindsay1990 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Hi Anya, I have been feeling like this recently so much. I was actually telling my two best friends last week that I was happy I am 'only' 25 and it will be a few years before the social marraige pressure kicks in. I know it sounds silly but we were talking about how they both just turned 27 and our other friend (we are four in our group) will be 28 and only one of the 27 year-olds has a boyfriend, and we were speculating about biological clocks and family pressures. I was honest when I said I'm happy I can put it off for some years because I have NO desire to even get to know anybody (my trust is shattered) and specially I know I can't go through anything like what I went through again. Next time it will kill me for sure. So I feel like I just don't want to bother. At this point I don't care if it's my lack of self-esteem sabotaging me or whatever, but I just accept that maybe I'm not marriage material/love-you-unconditionally material and I'm fine with that. As long as the rest of my life goes well enough otherwise, I am soooo jaded - and feeling that everything ends and everybody breaks up anyway or gets hurt horrifically anyway - that I don't even want to hear about it. I'm not hating men, don't feel like I'm hating myself either, I just... I'm tired, and don't see myself being happy or excited or putting in any effort again. Idk if this makes sense but it makes me sad too because I've realized through the years that what I really wanted was a partner, like I really just wanted to fall in love and couple up... I thrive like that, otherwise I feel pretty lonely and I put off having a serious boyfriend until I was 24 (had had a semi-serious one from 18-19) just to have it be kind of for real so... I kind of feel like I'm done, and glad that I won't have to explain myself for the next few years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I relate to this feeling a little too well. It's an odd mixture of acceptance and defeat, but it does go away eventually. I could go into the details of my recent breakup to reveal EXACTLY how well I know how you feel, but I'll spare you. Suffice to say, my ex frequently travels the country and is nationally-renown. After bawling her eyes out because she had to throw me away, she was out having fun, touring exciting locations, and meeting new people every single weekend. It was hard to not feel like a loser compared to that. I've found that focusing on your own needs (outside of affection), is the best way to battle those negative feelings and self-doubts. Edit: Take any insight I give with an enormous grain of salt, however. My relationship history isn't pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
vascularity Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I certainly relate to your strong need for physical affection. It's a dating pattern I've noticed recently that ties into a deep-seeded need for an unhealthy amount of validation, and that insecurity tends to arise most profoundly when under the influence of love and other drugs. That being said, the fact that you're focusing on your own self-development to derive a sense of internal validation, rather than external validation from your ex or potential suitors, is a smart move. It's also why I've imposed a dating moratorium upon myself; I have no opposition to casual, feeler dates, but both casual sex and meaningful sex (or anything really coupley, tbh) either ends up in me feeling like absolute **** and missing my ex more or just generally regressing into a neurotic mess. In that sense, I'd recommend dating as a thin "hey, why not?" glaze atop your delicious cake of self-development. There's nothing wrong with a moral ego boost every now and then, and putting yourself out there from time to time will help to confirm that you're an attractive human being, if nothing else. Conversely, online dating is extremely hit-or-miss, in my experience. It's really easy to find a warm body to go on outings/mess around with, but far more difficult to find someone that you could truly fall for, let alone date. I'm sure that it frustrates you to feel objectified by a nameless army of horny randoms, but that's usually the equal-and-opposite-reaction of vanilla beta dudes who are frustrated at their lack of results by reaching out like a decent human being. On the other hand, one could argue that online dating is as sex-motivated as more traditional methods of meeting people, and therefore no worse - the same genetic lottery where you hope you get the winning combination. The only reason I'd try to dissuade anyone from online dating (or dating, period) is if they recognize pathological traits within themselves that disable them from maintaining healthy relationships with their sexual partners. I personally deactivated my account recently because I was tired of endlessly seeking the attention and validation of girls who I had no true chemistry or forseeable future with. Realizing that a large part of my motivation to date around was to swap my chemical attachment from my ex to a new partner ultimately spurned that change within me. No real opinion or judgment here, so much as I sympathize/empathize with where you're coming from, and hope we both find what we're looking for someday when fate wills it. Much better than trying to force the pieces! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 I certainly relate to your strong need for physical affection. It's a dating pattern I've noticed recently that ties into a deep-seeded need for an unhealthy amount of validation, and that insecurity tends to arise most profoundly when under the influence of love and other drugs. I don't think what I am talking about is an unhealthy need for validation. It isn't about finding someone to "complete me" or anything like that. It is simply that I have the contradictory difficulty with touch surrounding people I don't know really, really well and the need for a lot of touch from people that I do know that well. That being said, the fact that you're focusing on your own self-development to derive a sense of internal validation, rather than external validation from your ex or potential suitors, is a smart move. It's also why I've imposed a dating moratorium upon myself; I have no opposition to casual, feeler dates, but both casual sex and meaningful sex (or anything really coupley, tbh) either ends up in me feeling like absolute **** and missing my ex more or just generally regressing into a neurotic mess. In that sense, I'd recommend dating as a thin "hey, why not?" glaze atop your delicious cake of self-development. There's nothing wrong with a moral ego boost every now and then, and putting yourself out there from time to time will help to confirm that you're an attractive human being, if nothing else. Yes. I think self-development is the key now. I am in therapy, and perhaps will try to explore just why I fell so hard for someone with such deep attachment issues, and see if I can't get that worked out. I have a message out to a gym to get myself truly into shape (I look really good now, but I could look so much better). And putting prime focus on my studies. I am going to, from here on out, work out a limited amount of time even for being on this forum, even for being on this forum, but after a stupid rejection from someone today (and I so should have rejected him quite a bit ago, but I didn't), I kind of needed the time today. Conversely, online dating is extremely hit-or-miss, in my experience. It's really easy to find a warm body to go on outings/mess around with, but far more difficult to find someone that you could truly fall for, let alone date. I'm sure that it frustrates you to feel objectified by a nameless army of horny randoms, but that's usually the equal-and-opposite-reaction of vanilla beta dudes who are frustrated at their lack of results by reaching out like a decent human being. On the other hand, one could argue that online dating is as sex-motivated as more traditional methods of meeting people, and therefore no worse - the same genetic lottery where you hope you get the winning combination. That is my problem, too. It is quite easy to find warm bodies, much harder to find someone truly compatible. Especially when you're MBTI type happens to be, ahem, quite rare. And even rarer for your gender. The only reason I'd try to dissuade anyone from online dating (or dating, period) is if they recognize pathological traits within themselves that disable them from maintaining healthy relationships with their sexual partners. I personally deactivated my account recently because I was tired of endlessly seeking the attention and validation of girls who I had no true chemistry or forseeable future with. Realizing that a large part of my motivation to date around was to swap my chemical attachment from my ex to a new partner ultimately spurned that change within me. Well, I should probably make sure that my attraction to men with mother or attachment issues or sometimes both, isn't somewhat pathological. No real opinion or judgment here, so much as I sympathize/empathize with where you're coming from, and hope we both find what we're looking for someday when fate wills it. Much better than trying to force the pieces! Me too! And I still say that all y'all guys here, so many of you sound like interesting and wonderful men. And why aren't you where I am? :-p Link to post Share on other sites
AllForNothing Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 AnyaNova, I've noticed that you reference your age and location a lot. I don't keep up with the board enough to know what those are, but I'm curious. What is your approximate age and location? Just wondering why they seem like such obstacles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 AnyaNova, I've noticed that you reference your age and location a lot. I don't keep up with the board enough to know what those are, but I'm curious. What is your approximate age and location? Just wondering why they seem like such obstacles. I am 35 and in a smaller midwestern town. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I think if you want to take a break from OLD, why not? I remember how frustrating and draining it can be putting yourself out there. Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 No shirt - delete Smokers - delete Anyone younger than my brother or too close to my father's age (so the cut off ages are between 28-45) - delete Anyone who greets me with "Hey sexy" - delete ("Hey, nice smile" etc is fine). No photo at all on their profile - delete. Send one ASAP via email or I stop talking to them. I absolutely judge people on their profile photo. Anything that shows them fawning over another woman, or looking drunk and disorderly - delete, delete, delete. Yes!!! I passed them all and I'm in with the Guitar Heroine!! ........too cocky.... - delete 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris715 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You can't judge all relationships based on one failed one. You need a thicker skin. You need to start dating again.I do need to start dating again. And honestly I don't think that badly of all relationships (but definitely my last one). I was just having a rough day earlier and I guess I found myself venting on here. Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Anya, I think it may too soon for you to start dating. I know it is for me. It's really difficult for me to not try to force myself " out there" because I miss the intimacy so much. But I know if I did try to date that's what I would be doing, forcing myself. I also have felt as you do, that I am less than cool because I am not "out there" as I (thought?) my ex was. However I have made a real effort to remind myself that I don't have to answer to my ex or anyone else. If I just want to stay home and have alone time then that is my business and no one else's. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Anya, I think it may too soon for you to start dating. I know it is for me. It's really difficult for me to not try to force myself " out there" because I miss the intimacy so much. But I know if I did try to date that's what I would be doing, forcing myself. I also have felt as you do, that I am less than cool because I am not "out there" as I (thought?) my ex was. However I have made a real effort to remind myself that I don't have to answer to my ex or anyone else. If I just want to stay home and have alone time then that is my business and no one else's. I don't know. When I went out on my date, the only time I thought about my ex at all was once, when I saw a car drive by that looked like his. But I've just got so many things I need in a partner. I mean I need someone intelligent who loves to explore ideas (and doesn't get annoyed by the idea), I need someone who likes to read, I need someone who is an introvert, and who views love almost with an air of spirituality to it. These traits are not easy to find. And are not easy to find in someone online who is also reasonably free of mom issues, attachment issues, funky neo-nazi like beliefs, or other and sundry issues/strangeness. So maybe for now, i will focus on me, and not worry about that. I think I am giving up. Throwing in the towel. For now. Maybe pick it up in a few months or year or something. And if, along the way, I meet some wonderful introvert man with all of those qualities that I need, then I'll give it a shot. Being as shy as I am,though, the likelihood is not high. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Well as I said, don't force it. Going out with someone just for the sake of going out instead of waiting to find someone you really like is forcing it in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Well as I said, don't force it. Going out with someone just for the sake of going out instead of waiting to find someone you really like is forcing it in my book. That is what I am thinking. talking with my pastor tongiht, there is this guy at this store that I tend to go to, that he thinks might be a possibility, and this one other guy maybe, but I'm not going looking for anything right now. Nose to the grindstone and we'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
JustaRegularGuyZ Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Anna you haven't fully healed and you are constantly looking for a relationship. Concentrate on yourself first, take some time to perfect yourself. Have some fun and enjoy your life. Continue your life doing what you love and the perfect guy will come to you but you MUST have ZERO expectations and you will connect with him like never before. You need to learn how to be independent or you will fall into some player's game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Anna you haven't fully healed and you are constantly looking for a relationship. Concentrate on yourself first, take some time to perfect yourself. Have some fun and enjoy your life. Continue your life doing what you love and the perfect guy will come to you but you MUST have ZERO expectations and you will connect with him like never before. You need to learn how to be independent or you will fall into some player's game. First of all, I learned to be independent years ago. There comes a time in one's life, however, when one is rather tired of being alone. When one learned how to be happy by one's self early in one's life. However, I will also say, that the "just focus on yourself, have fun. etc. and the perfect guy will come into your life," thing gets rather old to hear as well. It sounds great in your early 20's. But when you get to be my age, you start to suspect that that may not be the magic formula people think it is. And you start to suspect that perhaps you may be one of the "forever alones" But I am doing this not for the purpose of some right guy finding me at my best, or whatever. I am doing this for me. I guess, I am not looking for pat answers here, or bromides. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AllForNothing Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I am 35 and in a smaller midwestern town. I see. Thanks for answering. From the way you talked, I thought maybe you were in your 90s and living in Siberia I'm 41, so I get the age thing. Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Lol I wondered that myself however she is just well spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Lol I wondered that myself however she is just well spoken. I'm confused. Does beig well spoken make you sound like you're 90 or you're from Siberia? Or both. I mean, I can't see that sounding like a 90 year old from Siberia could be much of a turn on, perhaps that accounts for my lack of success? I mean, like, ya know, I could do like a total valley girl impersonation , I mean, like, if you guys think if would, like, help? :-p Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I see. Thanks for answering. From the way you talked, I thought maybe you were in your 90s and living in Siberia I'm 41, so I get the age thing. Yeah. It kind of sucks, sometimes. But that is life. :-) 90 and from Siberia? Really? Link to post Share on other sites
Chris715 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm confused. Does beig well spoken make you sound like you're 90 or you're from Siberia? Or both. I mean, I can't see that sounding like a 90 year old from Siberia could be much of a turn on, perhaps that accounts for my lack of success? I mean, like, ya know, I could do like a total valley girl impersonation , I mean, like, if you guys think if would, like, help? :-p I much prefer valley girls to 90 year old Siberian women so yes Anya, it would like, totally help Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I much prefer valley girls to 90 year old Siberian women so yes Anya, it would like, totally help You do know that I am not actually a 90 year old woman from Siberia, and people attempting to acquire graduate degrees tend to do better at that sort of thing if they don't sound like valley girls.. I can see the research prospectus now, "So I like had an N=32 in like a one-tailed ANOVA, but like, I mean, the control group like... :-p Link to post Share on other sites
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