Is this normal

[Qqq]

Hey everyone,

 

So it has been about a month and a half since the breakup.

 

I have a detailed post but will give a very quick summary of why we broke up.

 

We're together for 11 years. We are both in our mid 30s. New her my whole life and she then became my life. But she was extremely untrusting of me to the point I now think she had borderline personality disorder. She was constantly thinking I was cheating on her, and very passive aggressive at times. Then she would be the sweetest person you ever met. So this went back and forth for years. I also come to realize I have codependency issues with her. I never fought back and was always preoccupied with not upsetting her because I didn't want to get her to the point where she would start with me.

 

This wasn't all the time, but more then half the time she was this way.

 

Anyway, we are not married or living together, but we have been engaged for almost 2 years. The reason we haven't moved forward was because of this issue.

 

So after thinking about it for a while I decided this needed to end. It toke me literally 3 years to work up the courage. I mean I also loved being around her because she is my best friend, so it was hard to let that to. But we also became more of friends then lovers. We rarely had sex or even kissed passionately. Basically we just hung out.

 

So I finally told her this needed to end because of these reasons and it was bad for about a month. She constantly called and texted and emailed and begged and all this.

 

We were no contact for a week and I began yo miss her. I could not imagine myself with a mother woman either sexually or romantically because I still have feelings for her. For instance I love Natalie Portman and always thought I would cut off my arms if I could just be in the same room with her. Lol. But now I am so upset about my ex that I can't even imagine her now. Like I tried to imagine kissing Natalie Portman or whatever and me am like, NO WAY.

 

So this week we spoke a few times and I can hear how upset she is and heartbroken and I just feel so bad. She began therapy and is really being super sweet to me when I speak to her.

 

So I been debating if I should give it another shot. But then me am like, you were unhappy for years, you are always tip toeing around things so to not egg he upset. You don't have sex anymore. You look at her like a family member and not a girlfriend, there is no passion anymore, no excitement or spark. So I then go okay, I made the right decision.

 

But then I think, I don't want her to be upset. She loves me so much and would do anything for me. I miss hanging out with her. I miss knowing I have someone and someone loves me.

 

So here is my question, is this normal? Am I missing her or the 11 year routine we had? Is to the relationship I miss or her?

 

I know of we get back I don't think I'd have the courage to break it off again. This was to much to handle as it is.

 

Also I am afraid everything will be good for a while because she will be on her best behavior. But what if it happens again in 6 months or a year from now, or worse even later down the road with marriage and kids.

 

I feel like if we are to break up this is the time. I mean we have been broken up, but I think she thinks this might be a temporary thing. I mean why else call me every day.

 

I also always feel guilt stronger then most so I am afraid I might just feel so guilty and want to take her pain away.

 

When we first broke up I felt I was released from prison. I also couldn't care less if she me someone. Actually I hoped for it.

 

Now, I don't want her to meet anyone. I want to cuddle with her. I miss her. But is this because I want her or I want the routine, the relationship, the feeling of someone loving you? I don't know.

 

This be so much easier if she broke it off with me. Because no tater how I felt I know I would have to get over it because I have no choice but to.

 

But I ended it. I could call her right now and she would get back in a heart beat and be great for a while at least.

 

I a really confused. I don't want to make a mistake. I feel like if we get back I will at some point regret it. But I also know if we do t get back I might of made the worst mistake of my life. But this could also be said if we get back too.

 

I don't know. I mean 11 years is so long.

 

Any advice? I just need to know if these emotions are real or phantom. I am confused,

[AlmostFrench]

I think it is totally normal that you miss her - 11 years is technically 1/3 of your life! It is a big change for anyone after a break up, but after that amount of time it is completely normal for you to miss her, whether or not you still have feelings for her.

 

I had a friend in a similar situation. Their relationship had become a passionless friendship, she ended it and then instantly regretted it. I suggested she write a pros and cons list for the relationship, and it helped her sort her head out and realize she just missed the comfort and 'routine' of him. She started dating other men (nothing serious) and after 6 months she ran into him again. They had both been hitting the gym, working on themselves, and the passion reignited and they got back together.

 

The point of this story is if has only been a month, it is too soon to tell your true feelings. Missing her is different to still being in love. She is going to therapy that is great. It means she will be working on herself. No one knows for sure if either of you will meet someone else, but there is no point jumping back in just because you are panicking that someone else will have her - that is just feelings of possession.

 

My advice would be to do a pros and cons list, do some work on yourself too to take your mind off things for a bit, and wait another month to see how you feel. If she contacts you, don't ignore it, but if she wants to talk about the relationship maybe you could suggest you don't address that issue until you both have clear heads.

[Qqq]

Thanks for the advice. I am so confused. One minute it is the best decision I ever made, then the next I feel it is the worst. I just feel at my age I have to make the right decision and I only have a limited time to figure it out which makes it worse. She is the type where if we don't get back soon she will cut me out forever, which kills me. She wouldn't do this to be mean, but for her own sanity. I understand why, but it doesn't help me make a clear decision either. I just feel so trapped all the time. But now I am so lonely and missing her. But still don't think it would last in the long run because of her issues.

 

It is so hard to break up with someone you love so much because you know in the long run it most likely will not work.

[Qqq]

I have extreme guilt.

I miss her.

I miss the routine.

I rely on her for a lot of emotional things sometimes like a security blanket.

I am afraid at my age I won't find anyone I click with like her.

Or find anyone that loves me as much as she does.

We are so comfortable with each other.

 

But are these reasons enough to get back into a relationship I also at the same time felt trapped in? Felt I couldn't do certain things or say certain things because I feared how she would react. Or the fact that we have zero passion and stopped kissing and having sex.

 

Do I miss my best friend or my girlfriend?

[yorkie]

if you got back with here this could be your chance to work at it and also make her realise how much she suffocates you! i think you have feelings for her and i think she needs to proove this to you that she is changing , best of luck

[Qqq]

Thanks yorkie,

 

I know things will be great if we get back. She will do everything in her power to show me she has changed. But can someone change after 11 years? I think I will just be to afraid this will return. What if we get married and have kids and she gets worse? I couldn't divorce her if there are kids involved. I mean I could, but I know myself and I wouldn't do that to them. I would just deal with it and live for my children. But that's no way to live. I mean that is just hypothetical, but really can a zebra changed their stripes this quick. I would think after 11 years of being one way it would take at the very least a few years to get better. Even then I would be afraid it would happen at some point again. Then me will be in my 40s wishing I ended it now and didn't get back.

 

But I also think maybe she will change and we can live happily ever after. But the odds are way against that happening. I am so conflicted.

 

But thank you for your input. It helps speaking with people and hearing everyone's advice and thoughts. Right now I am limited to who I talk to about it. Even the water isn't helping me figure this out.

[yorkie]

i will be honest with you some of what your gf has done sounds like me, i was with my ex for 12 and a half years and i was very similar to your ex, shamed to admit it but we were both like that i am now receiving therapy and id love to get back with my mrs. but hey i got two kids and she still left me. my advice is dont think of marriage or kids yet thats to far into the future she needs to proove to you that she has changed also not being funny and pleae dont be offended here but there is two side to every story. you might have contributed to her paranoia you might not have and there is no excuse for paranoia, but if you both work at a relationship then it will work both need 110% good luck mate i hope you get her back and i hope you both work out your issues. sadly for me i didnt do nc and begged and cried etc for 2months and now pushed her away, i am now on nc but dont hold much hope sadly but im doing nc for myself not to win her back. i lost my chance if you have a chance and you want to make it work and she prooves to you she does to then go make it work man!

Edited October 29, 2013 by yorkie

[Qqq]

The problem I am having yorkie is this.

 

I don't know if I want to make it work now or not.

 

I know no one can answer that but me, but I am in such a high state of heartache, anxiety and depression right now that I can not trust my emotions as true or false. But I feel like I don't have much time until she gets to the point where she is over it. There is only so much rejection a person can take. I am staying strong when I speak to her as to not play with her emotions. But secretly to myself I am in a limbo state not knowing what to do. I must say the first 3 weeks I was so happy it was over that I actually prayed at night (which I rarely ever do) that she would get over it and move on. One night I even wished she would find someone soon so it would be easier for me to let go.

 

Bu now I am 6 weeks in and I am second guessing everything.