Mamma Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Hi Entering into an affair with a "taken" person when you are single may not be cheating but it is morally reprehensable behaviour. 2
antonio1149 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Thanks to all for their thoughts--this is just the thread I was looking for to answer some questions I had about my ex. After our breakup, she became very promiscuous. One of the guys she hooked up with was a co-worker with a live-in girlfriend and small child. She didn't love the guy, or even want a regular relationship--she just thought he was hot and enjoyed the sex. When I pointed out the immorality, her response was "He's cheating on *her,* not *me,* so it's her problem." My ex is young and I have sometimes wondered if there might be some potential should we meet down the road a bit after she matured. I think past promiscuity can be overlooked, but I'm concerned that the lack of conscience is indicative of someone with mild (or not) sociopathic tendencies. This thread has convinced me that it would never work. A single person involved in A is cheating themselves out of a happy, healthy and whole relationship. Not necessarily. The strategy for some women is to hook up with as many guys as they care to and enjoy the sex. Eventually, one of the guys may actually like her for more than just a f*ck, and want to date her. This is exactly what happened with my ex. The eventual bf didn't know about the other guys (one of whom she was f*cking at the same time they were dating)---he just thought she was a sweet, fun, sexy girl and they're now in an apparently happy long-term relationship. Just goes to show you: sometimes crime *does* pay.
yellowmaverick Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 What are your thoughts on that.. I was in a 'relationship' with a taken man when I was younger. I've never thought of it as cheating. I've always said I had never cheated until the affair I'm in now.. I was single the first time. I didn't consider it cheating but something clicked in me today that I kind of still was. Does it really matter what label we put on immoral conduct? It's still wrong and you know it.
Owl Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I guess it depends how you define cheating. In a Biblical sense, a person is committing adultery if they are romantically involved with someone who is not their spouse while being married. The person who engages in the affair with the married person, whether single or married, also is considered to have committed adultery if they have a romantic relationship with a married person. Both are considered to be guilty of the same sin of adultery. . Not just in a Biblical sense. In the U.S. military, adultery is punishable under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). Both the married spouse and the single affair partner are considered culpable of adultery, and both can be charged. So, in my opinion...whether or not the single person is "cheating"...they ARE engaged in adultery, which is equally reprehensible. They didn't 'swear vows' to anyone, but they participated in the adulterous relationship. 8
lindsay1990 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 My ex boyfriend had had emotional affairs with two married women before I met him, while he was himself single. I was certain he had one currently (on its lowest setting possible as in he harbored strong feelings that displaced those he had for me) for his female 'best' friend. He had been a confidant to her (and to a lesser extent to her husband) while they were separated for a bit and he became kind of like her surrogate husband/male figure in her life. For what it's worth, during our break up fight he accused me of going to meet a guy and I snapped back at him "I'm not the cheater, YOU'RE THE CHEATER!!!!!". I insisted several times (horrible unravelling of the relationship) that he was just as guilty as they were, because he was friends ("friends"?) with their husbands, and when he attacked me during a fight I retorted that "at least I don't go after other men's wives". So yeah. To me, if it wasn't the same, it was close enough.
drifter777 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I don't think it's possible to get a consensus on this subject, but it's interesting to read the posts. For me, the fact that my wife whored it up & put herself out there with the intention of screwing other men pardons those guys. I just don't expect a single guy in his 20's - early 30's to pass up easy, no-strings-attached pussy. I have had moments of rage where I imagine myself pushing a fillet knife through their head, but that is just miss-placed anger. My wife is completely responsible and those guys just did what comes naturally.
jlola Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 No, but men/husbands are not inanimate objects like Ferraris. If I saw someone neglecting a dog - you bet I'd "steal" it and take care of it! Don't know why I laughed at this. How exactly do you know a man is being neglected unless you insert yourself into their lives? I mean I can tell people my BF is neglecting me, It may not be true, but it may get me pity if that is what I want. I mean there are neglected people everywhere,but unless I am personally involved, I do not know who they are. BTW, why would anyone stoop so low as to steal a man? A man could leave a relationship anytime he wants if he feels neglected. He does not need a woman to put on her cape and rescue him. Well, at least not a real man anyway. A real man rescues himself!!!!! This is so JHS.
jlola Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Not true for everyone. My exH had an affair, I had zero issues with his OW - but all kinds of issues with him! lol I didn't blame her one bit - I 100% held my exH responsible for HIS choices and actions since he was the one that married me, she wasn't even at our wedding! So why do you not hold your xMM responsible for his choices and actions. Why is it always his BS's fault? 5
KathyM Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 In the Biblical sense this is patently incorrect, assuming we are talking about the OT and NT. The Law as we all know was written in the OT. In the OT adultery is associated with a married woman. If a single man has sex with a married woman they have both committed adultery. If a married man has sex with a single woman it is not adultery, by definition. Yes, it is misogynistic, and a total double standard, but that is the Law in Biblical terms. As time went by, especially after several hundred years after the advent of Christianity, church doctrine came to embrace a more equal standing, but it was not by the letter of the Law. By the Law adultery can only involve a married woman. Since when did the Ten Commandments get changed to "Married women shall not commit adultery"? God's commands were meant for both men and women. All of them. They do not specify a particular gender. They are meant for all of God's people. 2
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 OMG! Isn't it ASTOUNDING that the semantic hairs are split by those who cheat????? Feel better now????? I mean neglected dogs, Ten Commandments, and what other rabbits will be pulled outoyer azzes to justify. I CANNOT imagine these arguments being voiced out loud in polite, educated company around the table. Really? thanks for the best laugh I have had all day. 5
seren Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Men and woman are neither cars or dogs, if a neglected dog was given the chance to 'slip its leash' and go elsewhere, yet chose to return to the place they were neglected, then I would be asking myself whether they were as neglected as they appeared and if so, what it was that had them choosing to stay rather than grab the opportunity to leave, AP or no AP. People tend to do what they want to do, many with no thought as to the consequences of their actions, until it happens to them, then most, reflect on their past actions, learn, grow and usually, hope to not have a part in another feeling that. Analogies, excuses, subtle digs, clever and not so clever arguments cannot take away from the fact that one person in an A has a foot in both camps and is the one person with the truth of it. Both the others, BS and AP, have their own version of what is, the rest is just heresay and/or opinion. If the BS knows about the A, they knowingly choose to stay with their partner, technically in this instance there is no BS or AP or even WS as there is complicity and choice. So in that instance there is no one to cheat with or enable with. Not a situation that I would find acceptable, but whatever floats a person's boat I suppose. I don't knowingly share my lover. Denying another informed choice to make decisions about their life is henious, enabling that, not as bad as being the cheater, but not something I personally would be proud of. Sounds to me Autumn Moon that you are doing a lot of reflection, I hope you gain something positive from the answers to your question. 4
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Men and woman are neither cars or dogs, if a neglected dog was given the chance to 'slip its leash' and go elsewhere, yet chose to return to the place they were neglected, then I would be asking myself whether they were as neglected as they appeared and if so, what it was that had them choosing to stay rather than grab the opportunity to leave, AP or no AP. People tend to do what they want to do, many with no thought as to the consequences of their actions, until it happens to them, then most, reflect on their past actions, learn, grow and usually, hope to not have a part in another feeling that. Analogies, excuses, subtle digs, clever and not so clever arguments cannot take away from the fact that one person in an A has a foot in both camps and is the one person with the truth of it. Both the others, BS and AP, have their own version of what is, the rest is just heresay and/or opinion. If the BS knows about the A, they knowingly choose to stay with their partner, technically in this instance there is no BS or AP or even WS as there is complicity and choice. So in that instance there is no one to cheat with or enable with. Not a situation that I would find acceptable, but whatever floats a person's boat I suppose. I don't knowingly share my lover. Denying another informed choice to make decisions about their life is henious, enabling that, not as bad as being the cheater, but not something I personally would be proud of. Sounds to me Autumn Moon that you are doing a lot of reflection, I hope you gain something positive from the answers to your question. I would never knowingly share my dog, or let him stray, let alone my man! 3
sweet_pea Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) So far, having an affair has been likened to stealing a Ferrari and murder? lol Murdering someone is a crime, not to mention a morality issue that is pretty much universal (not everywhere or in all cultures, but most). Having an affair is only morally wrong to some people, and usually due to religious reasons - which doesn't apply to everyone, obviously. Sometimes it's hard to see outside of our own egocentric lenses that not everyone ascribes to the same beliefs as we do, but it's the truth. Especially here in the US where many, many cultures and religions are represented. Not everyone agrees that having an affair is wrong - just the same that not everyone agrees that eating fish on friday is necessary to get to heaven, or that working on Saturday is a sin. LOL no one is saying an affair is like murder, it's just an analogy for crying out loud. Good grief. I'm gonna make my paragraph more succinct and just say that I do not believe 'some' people view cheating as bad 'usually' due to religious reasons. I think they see it as bad because of the heartbreak, pain, devastation, deceit, selfishness, nastiness and just crap that it brings just like non-religious folks. Religious reasons might factor into it, sure, but I don't think that's the overall reason why. I've also never heard of a culture/religion that thinks cheating, lying, deceit, etc is ok. Edited October 30, 2013 by sweet_pea 6
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 There are plenty of OW here who explain that MM will not leave BS for religious reasons. And there are a bunch of posts with all kinds of people saying affairs to them are wrong...but they don't mention religion at all. 5
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 There are still many cultures that put both murderers and adulterers to death. 2
sweet_pea Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Italian and Latino heritages are two cultures that come to mind immediately that almost expect their men to have mistresses. Really? You aren't aware of this? If I can ask, are you in the US? Because it is quite common here. And to others - I was pointing out other people saying it was like stealing a Ferrari or murdering someone, lol. I wasn't saying that, only in jest as I too think it's ridiculous to compare it to either of those things! Sure, you can ask although my location is right next to my little picture. I'm from the South. We don't have a super large population of either of those groups where I live that I know of. I know bigger cities like ATL and the great state of Texas probably has higher concentrations of said cultures, though. I have heard about those groups, but as I'm not from either of those cultures I can't really say whether or not they're expected to have mistresses/cheat therefore I can't determine if it's common. But if it is, that's incredibly unfortunate. If anything, I think it's a stereotype of the culture more-so than the actual culture. 1
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Italian and Latino heritages are two cultures that come to mind immediately that almost expect their men to have mistresses. Really? You aren't aware of this? If I can ask, are you in the US? Because it is quite common here. I grew up in a neighborhood that was 80% Italian American, and I can say that cheating was not common at all. Italians come from a rich history of Catholicism. When I lived in Italy for a short time, cheating was common, but I would hardly say it was accepted or the norm. To say that is the case is actually rather offensive. Cheating is common in Latino cultures but not others. There are so many Latin countries out there that it is impossible to generalize. 4
goodyblue Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 No, it's not "cheating", but the single person in that situation is choosing to mess up an innocent person's life for their own selfish reasons. Crappy behaviour, and the single person doesn't get off morally scot-free. The usual response I've heard to that is "well, the married person was going to cheat anyway...". My response to that is (a) not necessarily, and (b) if you saw an unlocked Ferrari sitting in somebody's driveway with the key in the ignition, would you be somehow less wrong for stealing it by saying "well, if I didn't, somebody else would have"? You CANNOT steal a person. Kind of silly to even compare the two. I didn't 'steal' my guy. He made a decision to leave. Not even close to the same. 2
2sure Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Latinos are one of the more religious ethnic groups too right?
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Latinos are one of the more religious ethnic groups too right? Yes, Latinos and Italians are both very Catholic for the most part. Over 95% of Italy is Catholic, in fact.
BetrayedH Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Just for the record, you don't have to be religious to think that participating in a betrayal is wrong. I think it's wrong and I'm an atheist. It's unethical and fails the common decency test across cultures. 7
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Italian and Latino heritages are two cultures that come to mind immediately that almost expect their men to have mistresses. Really? You aren't aware of this? If I can ask, are you in the US? Because it is quite common here. And to others - I was pointing out other people saying it was like stealing a Ferrari or murdering someone, lol. I wasn't saying that, only in jest as I too think it's ridiculous to compare it to either of those things! I think you may be maligning Italian and Latino cultures. Philandering misogynists come from all cultures and are the same men who kill their wife's lover or dissolve in a puddle of tears when she leaves for the OM. As for cheating being prevalent in the US? Not in my neighborhood, sphere of acquaintances, people I know IRL and that is many. It IS more common in certain industries, especially those that attract narcissists or the less educated. pop culture asserts it is at the 50 to 60 percent of the population. It sells books, newspapers and web sites. Psychologists put it at 20 percent with a very high number of personality disordered and mentally and emotionally unstable in that group. the truth is probably somewhere in between. Everyone is NOT doing it. That is a myth. If you associate with others who think that, it CAN and WILL skew your view. 5
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Yes, Latinos and Italians are both very Catholic for the most part. Over 95% of Italy is Catholic, in fact. Divorce is against Catholicism...BUT in the event of adultery, even the church will not stand in your way of divorcing because adultery is a sin against the sacrament of marriage and a breaking of one of Ten Commandments. You cannot have it both ways.
aliveagain Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Jeees I'm Italian, I've never had a mistress, but I have had enough cheating women to last me a lifetime. Last I read "Adultery" is still against the law in 22 States, it was 23 until last year. Ask anyone in the military as to how they deal with adultery. Many take it lightly, so what if I'm banging someone's wife or husband, wait until it happens to you or one of your children, you'll see it differently unless your a sociopath. 8
Spark1111 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Divorce is against Catholicism...BUT in the event of adultery, even the church will not stand in your way of divorcing because adultery is a sin against the sacrament of marriage and a breaking of one of Ten Commandments. You cannot have it both ways. meaning....you can't stay married for religious reasons but cheat on the side. Almost all religions recognize the hypocrisy of that and WILL counsel reconciliation but allow divorce if adultery continues.
Recommended Posts