AutumnMoon Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 What are your thoughts on that.. I was in a 'relationship' with a taken man when I was younger. I've never thought of it as cheating. I've always said I had never cheated until the affair I'm in now.. I was single the first time. I didn't consider it cheating but something clicked in me today that I kind of still was.
peaksandvalleys Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 What are your thoughts on that.. I was in a 'relationship' with a taken man when I was younger. I've never thought of it as cheating. I've always said I had never cheated until the affair I'm in now.. I was single the first time. I didn't consider it cheating but something clicked in me today that I kind of still was. I don't think you were a cheater then. You were and accomplice. 3
seren Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 My opinion on any affair is that the married person cheats on their wedding vows, agreed norms in the marriage, lives a life based upon lies and enjoys the support and love of the BS because they believe everything to be true. The AP, in my opinion, cheats in a different way, they cheat another human being out of knowing the truth about their life, they have a role as an enabler, in that they know full well, that they are part of deceit and that their supporting that deceit will inevitabley result in hurting another person or persons beyond belief. It is the knowingly doing this that I don't understand, for sure the 'blame' for an affair lies heavily with the WS, but, they are enabled by the AP. Personally, I couldn't be a part of an action that I know would hurt another. Does it make you a cheater if you are single? maybe not, an enabler, absolutely. 6
goodyblue Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I have always wondered about the vows. What if the BS broke several vows before having an affair... does that make them 'cheating' the marriage, just not with another person? Curious. 2
Madman81 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 No, it's not "cheating", but the single person in that situation is choosing to mess up an innocent person's life for their own selfish reasons. Crappy behaviour, and the single person doesn't get off morally scot-free. The usual response I've heard to that is "well, the married person was going to cheat anyway...". My response to that is (a) not necessarily, and (b) if you saw an unlocked Ferrari sitting in somebody's driveway with the key in the ignition, would you be somehow less wrong for stealing it by saying "well, if I didn't, somebody else would have"? 5
painfullyobvious Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 If you knowingly engage in a relationship with simeone whom you know is married or in a committed relationship while you are single you may not be cheating but you are difinitely an a-hole. It is easy to brush of any responsibility of the behavior because you are single. I like the accomplice example given by a previous poster. The fact that you ask the question makes me think you already feel guilty or want justification from posters. I doubt you will get the latter from an infidelity forum. From my experience I hated the person who cheated with my ex because he knew we were a couple but persued her anyway. When you are on the wrong side of infidelity the excuses heard are many and the damaging effects inflicted on all are much larger then anticipated. Just hope you never get the experience of finding out someone's been dipping their ladle in your homemade soup. It spoils the entire recipe forever
Furious Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 What are your thoughts on that.. I was in a 'relationship' with a taken man when I was younger. I've never thought of it as cheating. I've always said I had never cheated until the affair I'm in now.. I was single the first time. I didn't consider it cheating but something clicked in me today that I kind of still was. Semantics and straw man argument in regard to the technicality of being labeled a "cheater" is a circular argument. Being a "cheater" or being an enabler to a cheater requires many things in common. The ability to endorse and support deceit, the ability to either hurt others or being supportive in hurting others. Either way, by not subscribing to a label does not necessarily make much of a difference in determining character. 9
KathyM Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I guess it depends how you define cheating. In a Biblical sense, a person is committing adultery if they are romantically involved with someone who is not their spouse while being married. The person who engages in the affair with the married person, whether single or married, also is considered to have committed adultery if they have a romantic relationship with a married person. Both are considered to be guilty of the same sin of adultery. I think Seren gave a good definition of cheating in her post. The WS is cheating on his vows and promises to his spouse. He is purposely deceiving her, and cheating her out of what rightfully belongs to her (his fidelity). The AP is cheating the BS out of what rightfully belongs to the BS (her husband's fidelity), and cheating her out of her reality by engaging in the deception. 4
beach Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Kind of like - the fact that both are willing to cheat - tells everything about the fact that they lack character, morals and boundaries. Are they cheating? Yes. If they are helping to hurt someone else by doing an action - yes, they are cheating. 1
Yesterday Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 The single person is not cheating unless they themselves are in a relationship. However if they knew the AP was married, then they have virtually the same moral compass as the AP. They have little respect for the boundaries of the AP marriage, they have little respect for the WS, and they have lowered themselves to being the 'OP'. Should the affair couple become married, each person probably doesn't consider the fact that they have just committed themselves for years to come, with someone who is unlikely to honour their wedding vows. 2
underwater2010 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 You were called an Affair Partner for a reason. You did not necessarily cheat on someone, but you definitely helped. 3
rumbleseat Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Do the labels really matter? Some may think that " if it wasn't for me, they would have just found someone else", but then in the next breath, they will say they couldn't help it, they fell in love, etc. Which is it? If it's love and not something either party had planned, then surely it couldn't have been just anyone. If it could have been just anyone, then how can "love" be an excuse? even it situations where it could have been anyone, it wasn't anyone, it was that particular ow/om, and as unpleasant as it may be to face that, it is the truth.
dichotomy Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 If the taken man was married - you are/were committing adultery. If the man was "just in a relationship" I am not sure what to call it - probably “accomplice in cheating”, partner in cheating. 1
harrybrown Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 If you were the BS, and your husband was cheating with a single female, would you feel that she is a cheater? Whatever the label, she would not be your favorite person. 1
dichotomy Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 By the way - good for you that "something clicked" and you now realize you were "kind of" cheating back then. That shows self-reflection and growth.
beach Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 If you knew someone was murdered and you helped plot and plan it out - yet you didn't physically kill that person - you just "helped" it to happen - are you part and parcel to that murder? 1
Woggle Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Technically it isn't but why be a part of that whole mess. When I was single I would next a woman on the spot if I found out she was married so I really don't get the appeal of being with a taken person. Too many single people up for a good time to deal with the drama of being involved in an affair.
Spark1111 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Of course it's cheating. It's cheating someone out of their reality and helping another deceive and lie for your personal gain. If you would not want it done to you(Who does?!) why do it to another? It's unethical, selfish and downright crummy no matter what you call it or how it's spun. 8
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 "Cheater"? No "Adulterer" Yes It takes two to commit adultery, and you were culpable for your part. My WW's OM was single. I wouldn't call him a "cheater" per se, but I do consider him an adulterer. He knew my wife was married but he still made the cognitive choice to screw another man's wife. Bottom line, you entered into a marriage that was not yours to trespass. Is being a "cheater" worse than being an "adulterer"? Not really. 1
2sure Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I was OW several times over when I was single. When I was not single and in a committed relation, I considered myself a loyal and monogamous partner. After that all stopped and I remarried, then became a BS - my views of myself changed as I had to ask myself "How did I get here?" In part - the path included having been involved in infidelity as a single person. A direct and obvious result in hindsight. I dont think it was Karma or Just Desserts - I know it was because , having been in an affair, I lost sight of what a healthy relationship looked and felt like. Its cheating. To particpate in someone elses life without their knowledge is cheating. For the single person, its also soul robbing. I know that this kind of thinking is of no use to somone currently in an affair, its hindsight, but I have to put it out there. Just in case. 4
waterwoman Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Nope. But so what? It's a fairly unpleasant thing to do to someone, stranger or no. Carelessly cruel maybe rather than deliberate, but still cruel.
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Maybe not a cheater but... Adulteress, accomplice, partner in crime, infidelity enabler, willing participant in betrayal.
aliveagain Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Sorry but if you know the man or woman you are in a emotional or sexual relationship with is married or in a committed relationship with someone else your just as guilty. Without you as the third wheel there wouldn't be cheating. If someone you may or may not know takes your car without your permission, is that stealing? Someone is loosing their husband or wife to you as well as breaking up their family without giving them any choice, your nasty and have little respect for boundaries.
twosadthings Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Would you rather be called a thief? Is that better than a cheater? What does it really matter? You have repeatedly identified yourself as a person with no remorse for your actions, so again why does it matter? If you can make yourself feel better about yourself by saying you are a wonderful person because you've only been a cheat for the past year then go for it. You are what you do and there is no question about what you are right now. Twosadthings
Realist3 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I guess it depends how you define cheating. In a Biblical sense, a person is committing adultery if they are romantically involved with someone who is not their spouse while being married. The person who engages in the affair with the married person, whether single or married, also is considered to have committed adultery if they have a romantic relationship with a married person. Both are considered to be guilty of the same sin of adultery. I think Seren gave a good definition of cheating in her post. The WS is cheating on his vows and promises to his spouse. He is purposely deceiving her, and cheating her out of what rightfully belongs to her (his fidelity). The AP is cheating the BS out of what rightfully belongs to the BS (her husband's fidelity), and cheating her out of her reality by engaging in the deception. In the Biblical sense this is patently incorrect, assuming we are talking about the OT and NT. The Law as we all know was written in the OT. In the OT adultery is associated with a married woman. If a single man has sex with a married woman they have both committed adultery. If a married man has sex with a single woman it is not adultery, by definition. Yes, it is misogynistic, and a total double standard, but that is the Law in Biblical terms. As time went by, especially after several hundred years after the advent of Christianity, church doctrine came to embrace a more equal standing, but it was not by the letter of the Law. By the Law adultery can only involve a married woman. 3
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