Strange rollercoaster

[peaksandvalleys]

Hi peaks,

 

You could try taking biotin supplements for the hair loss. I had hair loss issues when I lost weight and biotin supplements fixed it. You and your family are in my thoughts!

 

 

I will talk to my Dr. about it. I have to talk with him because I take meds that react badly with it.

[peaksandvalleys]

I think it would actually be good not to talk to him at all for a while. As you have seen, what comes out is garbage. That is normal for people in A and it goes on for some time even if the A ends. Commonly called affair fog. But, basically they just aren't rational and trying to make sense out of their nonsense will make you crazy........better not to listen to it from your H or OW.

 

I don't recall, but if you haven't already I would try some anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off.

 

Can you plan a getaway with your kids......maybe for thanksgiving......something to look forward to.

 

Journaling your anger may be one way to keep it in perspective and get some of it out of your system.

 

Holidays are a huge deal for my family so I am looking forward to that. Something that is "normal" for a change.

[underwater2010]

You certainly have your hands full. But glad that you are doing better.

Thank you. It is almost a year and half out from finding out.

 

Trust me when I say that all the emotions of rage and sadness are completely normal...even if you took the route I wish I could have.

 

We cannot hide from it, but rather have to ride it out. TIME is what ease these emotions. And please DO NOT over fill your plate to shut them out. Do what needs to be done and then let the wall fall down where ever you feel safe. Mine was on walks with the toddlers. I would cry the whole time, but she never judged me and because it was night time no one could tell.

 

Are you eating healthy fats? They are you best bet to get down something small and help keep your weight up. I know it is hard when you have no appetite, but you have to eat something.

[velvette]

I will talk to my Dr. about it. I have to talk with him because I take meds that react badly with it.

 

I would ask him to blood test for thyroid issues also. While the weight loss/hair loss is normal for high stress situations, they can also be indicative of thyroid problems.

 

Hair lost due to stress will grow back in case youre worried about that.

[Spark1111]

I lost 30 lbs, dyed my hair platinum, bought sexy matching underwear, began wearing make-up, hit the gym and exercised my brains out while listening to music that motivated me.

 

I could walk for miles.....

 

I looked up old friends, took dance classes, art classes, writing classes...and tried as often as possible to surround myself with fun, positive people. I visited my old college roommate and my aging uncle out of state ALL WHILE working my full-time job.

 

I focused on me.

 

My goals were natural endorphins and physical exhaustion to be able to sleep....and to get through the worst of it.

[peaksandvalleys]

Thank you. It is almost a year and half out from finding out.

 

Trust me when I say that all the emotions of rage and sadness are completely normal...even if you took the route I wish I could have.

 

We cannot hide from it, but rather have to ride it out. TIME is what ease these emotions. And please DO NOT over fill your plate to shut them out. Do what needs to be done and then let the wall fall down where ever you feel safe. Mine was on walks with the toddlers. I would cry the whole time, but she never judged me and because it was night time no one could tell.

 

Are you eating healthy fats? They are you best bet to get down something small and help keep your weight up. I know it is hard when you have no appetite, but you have to eat something.

 

I have been eating a lot of peanut butter crackers. They don't make my stomach feel like it is going to turn inside out.

[peaksandvalleys]

I would ask him to blood test for thyroid issues also. While the weight loss/hair loss is normal for high stress situations, they can also be indicative of thyroid problems.

 

Hair lost due to stress will grow back in case youre worried about that.

 

 

I had a blood test for that a few years ago when I was having some other issues and they needed to rule some things out. I will mention it to him.

[underwater2010]

I have been eating a lot of peanut butter crackers. They don't make my stomach feel like it is going to turn inside out.

Peanut butter is a great one...also avocados/guacamole.

[peaksandvalleys]

Peanut butter is a great one...also avocados/guacamole.

 

Yuck. I have this thing about green vegetables. I think I got attacked by a head of cabbage or something when I was a child.

[velvette]

I have been eating a lot of peanut butter crackers. They don't make my stomach feel like it is going to turn inside out.

 

Google CALORIE DENSE foods and see if there are other things on that list you think you can tolerate. You basically need to pile the calories on.

 

I didn't lose or gain weight, but we went through this loss issue when my father was being treated for cancer. All the doctors and nurses said pile the calories on without regard to what is normally considered healthy because the weight loss is worse for you than any temporary "bad" nutrition.

 

Drinking a lot of fruit juice instead of water helps. If you can stomach it BOOST or ENSURE is great.......put it in a milkshake or smoothie.

[Got it]

I think at this point, since you know what direction you want to go (divorce) making sure that any additional questions/ information is what you need to know and what can be let go. That is your call definitely but just that you can't unlearn things and sometimes too much information can cause triggers that you will keep dealing with. So just taking that with a grain of salt.

 

I worry about how you are doing, sorry to hear about the weight loss and hair loss. In a practical sense, drinking nutritional drinks like Ensure can help keep your body regulated and taking a large number of vitamin B and folic acid will help with the hair loss. Your body is going through high level of emotional and mental stress, add in the lack of eating and you have a significant nutritional imbalance and your poor body is fighting a losing battle.

 

If you are still working, put onto your calendar reminders to eat, have easy foods on hand (these drinks, even chocolate, etc) and force yourself to do so. Have you talked to your IC about AD's? This might be helpful for you short term until your life levels out.

 

In regards to your husband, you took control away and now he is railing against it. He has been able to know everything going on and could call the shots. He is now in the dark on having to react. This leaves him on uneven ground and he is no longer a known entity which means you can't predict his behavior. Plan accordingly for that. Right now he thinks he can force this back into the plan design he had and quickly clean this up. He isn't accepting that this is the new reality so he is going to go through his own grieving process. Keeping your distance and staying NC/LC will help limit this impact on you as well as your safety. Not saying he will do anything like that but it doesn't hurt to protect.

 

Please allocate time to have to grieve the loss and feel the magnitude of what is going on. I think a lot of people (especially type As) will take life events (affairs, illnesses, etc) and will just keep acting, pushing through but really avoiding the emotions tied to it. If you feel you are doing that, just understand that it does catch up and you are going to have to deal with the emotions and the emotional breakdown. Hopefully you can book a trip somewhere in the near future to know that there will be some sort of date for a reprieve and something to look forward to.

[underwater2010]

Yuck. I have this thing about green vegetables. I think I got attacked by a head of cabbage or something when I was a child.

That is exactly how I feel about any type of milk....cannot drink, will not drink and won't even smell it.

[peaksandvalleys]

I think at this point, since you know what direction you want to go (divorce) making sure that any additional questions/ information is what you need to know and what can be let go. That is your call definitely but just that you can't unlearn things and sometimes too much information can cause triggers that you will keep dealing with. So just taking that with a grain of salt.

 

I worry about how you are doing, sorry to hear about the weight loss and hair loss. In a practical sense, drinking nutritional drinks like Ensure can help keep your body regulated and taking a large number of vitamin B and folic acid will help with the hair loss. Your body is going through high level of emotional and mental stress, add in the lack of eating and you have a significant nutritional imbalance and your poor body is fighting a losing battle.

 

If you are still working, put onto your calendar reminders to eat, have easy foods on hand (these drinks, even chocolate, etc) and force yourself to do so. Have you talked to your IC about AD's? This might be helpful for you short term until your life levels out.

 

In regards to your husband, you took control away and now he is railing against it. He has been able to know everything going on and could call the shots. He is now in the dark on having to react. This leaves him on uneven ground and he is no longer a known entity which means you can't predict his behavior. Plan accordingly for that. Right now he thinks he can force this back into the plan design he had and quickly clean this up. He isn't accepting that this is the new reality so he is going to go through his own grieving process. Keeping your distance and staying NC/LC will help limit this impact on you as well as your safety. Not saying he will do anything like that but it doesn't hurt to protect.

 

Please allocate time to have to grieve the loss and feel the magnitude of what is going on. I think a lot of people (especially type As) will take life events (affairs, illnesses, etc) and will just keep acting, pushing through but really avoiding the emotions tied to it. If you feel you are doing that, just understand that it does catch up and you are going to have to deal with the emotions and the emotional breakdown. Hopefully you can book a trip somewhere in the near future to know that there will be some sort of date for a reprieve and something to look forward to.

 

Yes this is me. I tend to focus all my energy into other things. Probably one of the reasons that I have done okay in my career. I have never seen him be violent but who knows what is going through his mind now. I am careful but we still do own a business together and must deal with each other. I have done most of the things I need to do from home or from my office.

[peaksandvalleys]

I didn't know it but I needed this pick me up. I am on my way out to an afternoon meeting and I feel ready to deal with it now. Thanks for the laugh Underwater.

[underwater2010]

I didn't know it but I needed this pick me up. I am on my way out to an afternoon meeting and I feel ready to deal with it now. Thanks for the laugh Underwater.

Go get them!!!!

[cocorico]

Also, if you're open to homoeopathic remedies, ignatia may help.

[Got it]

Yes this is me. I tend to focus all my energy into other things. Probably one of the reasons that I have done okay in my career. I have never seen him be violent but who knows what is going through his mind now. I am careful but we still do own a business together and must deal with each other. I have done most of the things I need to do from home or from my office.

 

Most likely it will be more of a nuisance or making a fool of himself than anything else. But he can pull on your heart strings because it sounds like he wants to promise you the moon and stars. And that is going to impact you, it would be hard not to. In those areas, being able to be your emotional healthiest in your interactions with him are the best for you and for him.

 

If he wants to really show he is remorseful he will be scouring the internet, talking to an IC and doing whatever he can do regardless of what you do. He will quickly learn, if he is really trying to dig deep, that he needs to make these changes, fix himself because he knows he needs to do it for himself. He has to be committed to himself first in this regard than doing it for you/the marriage.

 

But regardless, moving forward is a great idea. Just because you guys divorce doesn't mean there is some cosmic law that you can never get back together. But this is broken right now and needs to be buried. Anything is possible in the future, but I think in the present, you are doing the best thing for yourself.

 

So I would minimize interaction with both the OW, her husband, and your husband. Do you have a trusted friend that can run interference and help you? That way they can weed out what you don't need to deal with and allow you to focus on the pieces that you do? You are not anyone's lifeline, salvation, or "fixer". You need to focus on you and your healing and everyone needs to do the same.

 

I know a lady like you, had cancer already two times and is again in chemo for breast cancer. She has pushed herself hard at work and says that she just keeps working because she doesn't want to think about things. So she just focuses on the tasks at hand, going to her appointments, getting her job done but isn't really grieving the process. She isn't taking care of herself at her most critical time. She too is a type A and is fantastic at what she does. But she doesn't nurture herself. And she needs to.

 

So take care.

[HopingAgain]

PV, I am sorry that the strain is starting to catch up with you. But the best way out of the pain is to experience it fully, face it head on, and cme out on the other side. Do everything you can to take care of you and to center yourself right now! ((hugs))!

[RightThere]

Hair lost due to stress will grow back in case youre worried about that.

 

Thank f*&%$ng god!

 

I've been going through separation and looking at all the hair each morning as I shampoo thinking "As if all the drama wasn't bad enough, now I'm losing my hair?!?!?!"

[krazikat]

Yes this is me. I tend to focus all my energy into other things. Probably one of the reasons that I have done okay in my career. I have never seen him be violent but who knows what is going through his mind now. I am careful but we still do own a business together and must deal with each other. I have done most of the things I need to do from home or from my office.

 

I can totally relate...when I discovered my h lta I felt like my world had been pulled out from under me. I barely slept, ate, etc. for days. But I tried to internalize my emotions. At one point I was feeling cool, calm, and collected speaking with H about affair when I suddenly started throwing up. The whole damn thing just sux!

 

I never missed a day of work. I wanted to, heck I HAD to, keep busy.

 

Hang in there, this is a terribly stressful event in life. But you will be fine. Keep your head up. And take care of yourself. Sending a virtual hug your way...

[ladydesigner]

Thank f*&%$ng god!

 

I've been going through separation and looking at all the hair each morning as I shampoo thinking "As if all the drama wasn't bad enough, now I'm losing my hair?!?!?!"

 

 

I lost a lot of my hair too. Then I went on med's (for infidelity related symptoms) that thinned it out. Ugh

[peaksandvalleys]

So I read some of the emails I have been getting from both of them, not sure how I feel about that yet. But they are both laying the blame on the other.

 

WS:

• She kept coming on to me.
  
• She wouldn't take no for answer.
  
• She manipulated me into believing you didn't care about me.
  
• She told me you probably had cheated at some point in our marriage because no one can stay faithful that long.
  
• She told me her husband was "mean":confused: to her all the time.
  
• She is not the type of woman I would want to be married to.
  
• She isn't as good a person as you are.
  

He makes it sound like he was some mindless puppet with someone else pulling the strings. Everything happened outside of himself and he had no control. Where is the man I married? The begging sniveling idiot that is sending me this mess is not the man I married.

 

OW:

• He said you didn't love him.
  
• He said you had cheated.
  
• He said that you were taking all his money
  
• He said that I treated him better than you had ever treated him.
  
• He told me my husband was abusive because he didn't pay attention to me.
  
• He told me that all you wanted was to destroy his self esteem.
  
• He told me that he wondered if he should just kill himself.
  
• He seduced me at a vulnerable time.
  
• He convinced me that you were the problem in the marriage.
  

Now where is her brain? They both seem like they are trying really hard to put as many skid marks on the other as possible.

[underwater2010]

Funny would be to forward them on to the other person. Nothing liking seeing your AP throw you under the bus. But I don't recommend doing it. Just sit back and laugh because you know the truth of what is going on.

 

Can I go throw up now....lol.

[cozycottagelg]

So I read some of the emails I have been getting from both of them, not sure how I feel about that yet. But they are both laying the blame on the other.

 

 

WS:

• She kept coming on to me.
  
• She wouldn't take no for answer.
  
• She manipulated me into believing you didn't care about me.
  
• She told me you probably had cheated at some point in our marriage because no one can stay faithful that long.
  
• She told me her husband was "mean":confused: to her all the time.
  
• She is not the type of woman I would want to be married to.
  
• She isn't as good a person as you are.
  

He makes it sound like he was some mindless puppet with someone else pulling the strings. Everything happened outside of himself and he had no control. Where is the man I married? The begging sniveling idiot that is sending me this mess is not the man I married.

 

 

OW:

• He said you didn't love him.
  
• He said you had cheated.
  
• He said that you were taking all his money
  
• He said that I treated him better than you had ever treated him.
  
• He told me my husband was abusive because he didn't pay attention to me.
  
• He told me that all you wanted was to destroy his self esteem.
  
• He told me that he wondered if he should just kill himself.
  
• He seduced me at a vulnerable time.
  
• He convinced me that you were the problem in the marriage.
  

Now where is her brain? They both seem like they are trying really hard to put as many skid marks on the other as possible.

 

This is amazing to me. How two people who obviously enjoyed each others company and CHOSE to spend time together, can say these things. Why can't they just say "I messed up, it's all my fault, I'm sorry." Not that it changes how YOU feel...but this blaming is just such a load of crap.

[peaksandvalleys]

This is amazing to me. How two people who obviously enjoyed each others company and CHOSE to spend time together, can say these things. Why can't they just say "I messed up, it's all my fault, I'm sorry." Not that it changes how YOU feel...but this blaming is just such a load of crap.

 

 

Why if you wanted to be together enough to have an affair are you doing the exact opposite of what would allow you to be together all the time. What the hell is wrong with just going about your business? Why try to explain something that in my eyes can't be explained?

 

You must love her or you wouldn't have cheated for years with her. She must have loved you or she wouldn't have cheated for years with you. Seriously what is the problem here? Now you two are breaking your necks to save the "crappy" marriages to "crappy" people you were married to.

 

And I would so love to send her the emails I am getting from him about her. What I posted here is less graphic and a fraction of what he has sent. I think my lawyer would have a cow so I won't be doing that. As it is he is still trying to talk me out of meeting with her.