velvette Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I know you have so much going on...but when you first discovered the affair, you spoke of an evening where you and him were at the table and he asked if YOU were seeing anyone. Have you brought that up? I'd be so curious to see what he had to say about that. For someone who thinks "he can change" that would be a HUGE slap in the face for me. I understand what you are saying and its common for cheaters to project their own behavior, but it wouldn't surprise me if OW put those thoughts in his head. My H OW spent a lot of time trying to convince my H I was seeing someone else to the point he began spying on me and ended up hitting a neighbors car parked on the street while he was trying to see if someone else was in our home with me. Sad but kind of amusing except the neighbors inconvenience.
Spark1111 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I understand what you are saying and its common for cheaters to project their own behavior, but it wouldn't surprise me if OW put those thoughts in his head. My H OW spent a lot of time trying to convince my H I was seeing someone else to the point he began spying on me and ended up hitting a neighbors car parked on the street while he was trying to see if someone else was in our home with me. Sad but kind of amusing except the neighbors inconvenience. Hey!! So did the OW in my sitch. Is this in the handbook? Well she must have a bf on the side so let's not feel too guilty about us. 1
velvette Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Hey!! So did the OW in my sitch. Is this in the handbook? Well she must have a bf on the side so let's not feel too guilty about us. Yeah I think it is in the handbook lol.......but I don't think its about guilt....more about a subtle push for MM to leave the M because he's being cheated on.......its a way to encourage leaving without asking for it At least in my case that was so. She had no guilt ever lol. 2
jlola Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 So sorry about all P&V. It boggles y mind that pople who took years to wreck 2 families. Threw a grenade in everyone's life. Who along the way thought of noone but themselves, now think they can immediately make everything right an be quickly forgiven. 2
Spark1111 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 He seems to be desperate to the point of irrational behaviour. PV would do well to get her stuff away from him before he leaves denial and hits anger. this is a good point I think. get more boxes and get out. He will eventually hit anger. Don't be there for it. 4
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 He seems to be desperate to the point of irrational behaviour. PV would do well to get her stuff away from him before he leaves denial and hits anger. I don't know if he is irrational but I am not changing my mind.
Journee Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 So sorry about all P&V. It boggles y mind that pople who took years to wreck 2 families. Threw a grenade in everyone's life. Who along the way thought of noone but themselves, now think they can immediately make everything right an be quickly forgiven. I second this and am so sorry that you are going through such a time. Just hold on tight ,when you look back on this you will be in a better and honest place for yourself. 1
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Well, taking moving boxes is not very "rational". And I didn't think my post had anything to do with you changing your mind? It didn't. I am just thinking as I post. Sorry if I confused you. 1
threelaurels Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 4) BS of OW is not the father of their youngest. That isn't a shock but a gut punch anyway. Ouch. I really feel for him. How old is the youngest? Is your H going to be DNA tested too? Also, paternity tests can take as few as 3 days to process, so it's very likely that the BH found out because of the test and not a confession.
krazikat Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 On actual D day WSs do not confess, or rarely confess, in fact they probably go wild trying to find a way to keep the equilibrium as it sends them into panic mode. MY mm did this on d day one, and it was quite traumatic. D day two he lied just the same to me and her until I put BS straight when she called me. I think she took him back. I no longer know what the truth is. I just hope you do. when you know the truth you can make a decision Whether the child is his or not is not part of your decision. She already made her decision...or were you speaking to general "you"? And PV also made sure ow BS had the truth...no confession needed from those lying ws' Go on wicha bad self PV!!!! You are handling this difficult situation with confidence and poise. If my fWS cheats again this will be my playbook! 3
dichotomy Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) PV, You have been so focused on ending this thing - how to end it, being in control. A lot of thought about resolving OW and WH in the strongest way possible. You are certainly in warrior mode, kicking ass, taking names right now. If I may ask, have you spent thoughts on whats next for you and your life? What do you see for your life and your being - when you think about the next 4 years of your life post divorce? Edited October 30, 2013 by dichotomy 1
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 PV, You have been so focused on ending this thing - how to end it, being in control. A lot of thought about resolving OW and WH in the strongest way possible. You are certainly in warrior mode, kicking ass, taking names right now. If I may ask, have you spent thoughts on whats next for you and your life? What do you see for your life and your being - when you think about the next 4 years of your life post divorce? I am have had success in my career and I love doing it. I plan to continue doing what I love. I looking forward to the next phases in my children's lives, marriage, children, first home. I have no desire at this point to ever be in another committed relationship. I have spent most of my adult life married and mothering. I have several hobbies I am passionate about that I can devote more time to do. And I can increase the pace of my bucket list. 13
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 On actual D day WSs do not confess, or rarely confess, in fact they probably go wild trying to find a way to keep the equilibrium as it sends them into panic mode. MY mm did this on d day one, and it was quite traumatic. D day two he lied just the same to me and her until I put BS straight when she called me. I think she took him back. I no longer know what the truth is. I just hope you do. when you know the truth you can make a decision Whether the child is his or not is not part of your decision. Not sure what you mean by this. I know what the truth is and have made decisions based on that truth and I don't recall ever saying anything about the child being a part of that decision. Though the possibility that a child exists outside of our marriage factored into the choice to do things the way I have. I do not want OW or her child to have any access to any of the assets that are mine. 8
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Have you asked him point blank if he thinks he is the father of her child? if he is, that would be the final straw and ultimate deal breaker for me and I told my H so when I threw him out oh, one of several times. If she gets pregnant now by you as a desperate measure to keep her soulmate, well not only do I divorce you but I could never be friends or even civil to you again. It would be the biggest trigger for me and would mean, by default, that she would be forever a part of our lives and I could not even fathom that. Plus our children would now have a half-sibling that they would in time, adore. Holidays together? One big happy family? Uh, no thanks. And if it is NOT his child, well then, WTH is the father? After reading this post I decided to call him and ask him your question. He went silent for a few minutes then answered that the child could be his but he wasn't sure. I asked him if the child resembled him at all. He says no and that he really never trusted her since she was cheating on her husband. That's just rich isn't it? I also wanted to know why they didn't use protection. Get this, he didn't think he had anything since he knew I wouldn't cheat. IDIOT! You don't trust her but were willing to stick yourself into her:mad: You can guess I didn't sleep after that conversation. I think I will call my dr. and get something to help me out with that. It is starting to affect me pretty badly now. I read on another site's library that the weight loss can be pretty drastic. I am down about 18 lbs. and I have some hair loss. What are some of the things you have experienced?
Cali408 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Peaks, how are you today? I hope the anger has ebbed a little. Let me ask you about your husband. Anger aside, do you have any love for him at all? Even an atom? If not, keep it up. If so, slow down a little. Think things through even more. Haste makes waste. I know you are irate and hurt. You can't shut off 30 years of your life in two months. Don't waste your time on marriage counseling. For what? Do listen to him complain? You'll just get even more upset. Focus on you and healing. Yes he's a moron. He didn't ask her if she was on the pill or an IUD? I just don't want you to look 6 months down the road and say, "what the heck did I do?" You need to grieve. This anger is not good for your health as you see. Good luck
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Peaks, how are you today? I hope the anger has ebbed a little. Let me ask you about your husband. Anger aside, do you have any love for him at all? Even an atom? If not, keep it up. If so, slow down a little. Think things through even more. Haste makes waste. I know you are irate and hurt. You can't shut off 30 years of your life in two months. Don't waste your time on marriage counseling. For what? Do listen to him complain? You'll just get even more upset. Focus on you and healing. Yes he's a moron. He didn't ask her if she was on the pill or an IUD? I just don't want you to look 6 months down the road and say, "what the heck did I do?" You need to grieve. This anger is not good for your health as you see. Good luck I was less angry until last nights conversation. I do know the anger isn't good for my health and my Dr. is concerned about my stress levels. This situation added to an already full plate so now the plate is in overload. I do not love him as a husband but what makes me feel a little worse is I don't love him as the father of my children. And I am a little confused about whether he is actually a human being. I won't let myself feel anything for him other than what I am feeling right now. When I watch him cry I need to see nothing other than a LPOS that put me, my health and my family in jeopardy. At night is when the walls start to shift and crumble, the grief comes in. Then I get up and do work. Got plans for a new project. I think it will take sometime to come down and deal with me. 2
Cali408 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Then you need to love yourself. And loving yourself is figuring out a way to relax. Your stress levels are way too high. I'm sure the grief is overbearing. Love yourself by calming yourself down when you are irate. Be grateful that you are successful and have great children. He let you down huge. The greatest victory you can make to him is by not letting him know how angry you are. Matter of factly get through it with calmness and focus. A year from now your life will be better. 1
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Then you need to love yourself. And loving yourself is figuring out a way to relax. Your stress levels are way too high. I'm sure the grief is overbearing. Love yourself by calming yourself down when you are irate. Be grateful that you are successful and have great children. He let you down huge. The greatest victory you can make to him is by not letting him know how angry you are. Matter of factly get through it with calmness and focus. A year from now your life will be better. He actually has no clue how angry I am. I say that stuff here. I do use my game face. He has only seen flashes when he comes into my space. That's why I moved my space out of the house. I am out of his range daily. Other than the texts and phone calls. 6
velvette Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 He actually has no clue how angry I am. I say that stuff here. I do use my game face. He has only seen flashes when he comes into my space. That's why I moved my space out of the house. I am out of his range daily. Other than the texts and phone calls. I think it would actually be good not to talk to him at all for a while. As you have seen, what comes out is garbage. That is normal for people in A and it goes on for some time even if the A ends. Commonly called affair fog. But, basically they just aren't rational and trying to make sense out of their nonsense will make you crazy........better not to listen to it from your H or OW. I don't recall, but if you haven't already I would try some anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Can you plan a getaway with your kids......maybe for thanksgiving......something to look forward to. Journaling your anger may be one way to keep it in perspective and get some of it out of your system.
unicorn farts Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hi peaks, You could try taking biotin supplements for the hair loss. I had hair loss issues when I lost weight and biotin supplements fixed it. You and your family are in my thoughts! 1
goodyblue Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hi peaks, You could try taking biotin supplements for the hair loss. I had hair loss issues when I lost weight and biotin supplements fixed it. You and your family are in my thoughts! Actually, another really good thing for hair loss is tin suppliments. You can get it in liquid form. It tastes like crap, but it does work.
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 What are some of the things you have experienced? I experienced the other extreme of about 10 pds weight gain. Lack of sleep and slight depression. Oh, and alcohol became a great sedative, I am doing my best to cut back now. I have since dropped about 20 pds and I am starting to feel really good about myself and were my marriage stands. I still have moments when I get sad thinking about it. But I am now more outspoken about what I need. In my situation I have a toddler, a tween and a teenager to deal with too. So I truly think that they pulled me through the depression and gave me something to focus on other than the affair. 1
ComingInHot Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hi P&V, I wish I could swoop in with airfair for you and your children to a fully paid Bora Bora vacation with a hut on the water... *sigh* guess where I Want to go? lol I also wish there weren't truth in the actual stages of grief so I could protect you from that as well. I guess, I just want to protect you from anymore hurt and I know that I can't. One of the (Many) Biggest things that I have learned is that we all have to go through it to get through it and this is true for the stages thing. Allow yourself (once you get to a "safe" place inside you) to go through the emotions so you can Get through them to a much Happier place. You have won the hearts of Many here on LS as we have followed your story of from victim to ultimately VICTOR. You have done so respectfully, rationally, honorably and... legally* My thoughts & prayers go out to you and your family* CIH 9
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I experienced the other extreme of about 10 pds weight gain. Lack of sleep and slight depression. Oh, and alcohol became a great sedative, I am doing my best to cut back now. I have since dropped about 20 pds and I am starting to feel really good about myself and were my marriage stands. I still have moments when I get sad thinking about it. But I am now more outspoken about what I need. In my situation I have a toddler, a tween and a teenager to deal with too. So I truly think that they pulled me through the depression and gave me something to focus on other than the affair. You certainly have your hands full. But glad that you are doing better.
Author peaksandvalleys Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Hi P&V, I wish I could swoop in with airfair for you and your children to a fully paid Bora Bora vacation with a hut on the water... *sigh* guess where I Want to go? lol I also wish there weren't truth in the actual stages of grief so I could protect you from that as well. I guess, I just want to protect you from anymore hurt and I know that I can't. One of the (Many) Biggest things that I have learned is that we all have to go through it to get through it and this is true for the stages thing. Allow yourself (once you get to a "safe" place inside you) to go through the emotions so you can Get through them to a much Happier place. You have won the hearts of Many here on LS as we have followed your story of from victim to ultimately VICTOR. You have done so respectfully, rationally, honorably and... legally* My thoughts & prayers go out to you and your family* CIH Thank you CIH.
Recommended Posts