Strange rollercoaster

[peaksandvalleys]

I see the other thread is closed so here are a few updates.

 

1) Had a meeting with the lawyer and there will be a hearing soon. There is a buyer for the business and I have decided to stay with one of the kids for a few days until my place is ready.

 

2) WS says he has been to counseling but refuses to get a lawyer. He says that he can handle things himself because we aren't divorcing. He is sure a MC can help us.

 

3) We will have a sit down with the kids once we have the meeting with the lawyer together.

 

4) BS of OW is not the father of their youngest. That isn't a shock but a gut punch anyway.

 

5) I had some boxes in the garage to continue packing that have strangely disappeared. I asked WS if he had seen them, he just shook his head no but wanted to talk about the speed at which things are happening. Apparently, I am not giving him a chance to do anything to change. If he wants to change he doesn't need my permission. Just go do your thing.

 

I am open to answering direct questions. I ask that if there are posters that most disagree with please let's just stay on topic so that this thread won't be closed.

[KathyM]

Your husband is in denial that his actions could really result in losing so much (his wife, custody of his kids, his business, his home, his money, etc.) He doesn't want to believe it, so he thinks if he denies that possibility, it won't happen. It's too bad people take such risks like this, and permanently screw up their lives over something so meaningless as some extra sex on the side. Many people think their indiscretions won't be discovered, and they are panic stricken when they are discovered, and realize they stand to lose so much. It's too bad people risk so much for so little, and don't appreciate what they have until they are about to lose it.

[velvette]

I see the other thread is closed so here are a few updates.

 

1) Had a meeting with the lawyer and there will be a hearing soon. There is a buyer for the business and I have decided to stay with one of the kids for a few days until my place is ready.

 

2) WS says he has been to counseling but refuses to get a lawyer. He says that he can handle things himself because we aren't divorcing. He is sure a MC can help us.

 

3) We will have a sit down with the kids once we have the meeting with the lawyer together.

 

4) BS of OW is not the father of their youngest. That isn't a shock but a gut punch anyway.

 

5) I had some boxes in the garage to continue packing that have strangely disappeared. I asked WS if he had seen them, he just shook his head no but wanted to talk about the speed at which things are happening. Apparently, I am not giving him a chance to do anything to change. If he wants to change he doesn't need my permission. Just go do your thing.

 

I am open to answering direct questions. I ask that if there are posters that most disagree with please let's just stay on topic so that this thread won't be closed.

 

I think it will be good for you to stay with your daughter.

 

Are you having second thoughts about proceeding to D? I would not allow him to use the same lawyer if he continues to resist getting his own. Could end up later in a claim of unfairness. Also, I'm curious, if you sell the business, does he become unemployed and does that put you at risk of paying alimony to him?

 

Sorry to hear about the child. I assume that means you think it is your H child. Theres a special brand of evil imo in women who deceive men and the child about parentage. Not to mention the level of irresponsibility of even conceiving a child in an A.

 

That's odd about the boxes. Was there something special about that stuff?

[peaksandvalleys]

Your husband is in denial that his actions could really result in losing so much (his wife, custody of his kids, his business, his home, his money, etc.) He doesn't want to believe it, so he thinks if he denies that possibility, it won't happen. It's too bad people take such risks like this, and permanently screw up their lives over something so meaningless as some extra sex on the side. Many people think their indiscretions won't be discovered, and they are panic stricken when they are discovered, and realize they stand to lose so much. It's too bad people risk so much for so little, and don't appreciate what they have until they are about to lose it.

 

 

Hi KathyM. I saw your name mentioned in the other thread. There was a great deal of misinformation in that thread also. There is no need for custody, our children are on their own and out of the house. I said that a bunch of times but for some the insistence that I would lose my children was more important than reading that they were on their own.

 

I think you are right about the panic stricken part. I know he thought I would never find out and certainly not that I would file for divorce. I am very family oriented and this must be a shock to his system. I think the image that he had of me was one of compliance. So denial is going to be his tool?

[peaksandvalleys]

I think it will be good for you to stay with your daughter.

 

Are you having second thoughts about proceeding to D? I would not allow him to use the same lawyer if he continues to resist getting his own. Could end up later in a claim of unfairness. Also, I'm curious, if you sell the business, does he become unemployed and does that put you at risk of paying alimony to him?

 

Sorry to hear about the child. I assume that means you think it is your H child. Theres a special brand of evil imo in women who deceive men and the child about parentage. Not to mention the level of irresponsibility of even conceiving a child in an A.

 

That's odd about the boxes. Was there something special about that stuff?

 

 

No I am not having second thoughts about the divorce. Knowing what he knows about my health issues and then knowing placing me in danger is a deal breaker for me. So is a child.

 

According to the lawyer alimony won't be paid to either of us and I don't want it. I can take care of myself. He is capable and has a degree that can support him okay if he would use it. Selling the business and splitting the proceeds in accordance to ownership which I own the majority. The same with the house, sell it and split the money. 50/50 in this case.

 

The boxes were just boxes to finish packing.

[velvette]

No I am not having second thoughts about the divorce. Knowing what he knows about my health issues and then knowing placing me in danger is a deal breaker for me. So is a child.

 

According to the lawyer alimony won't be paid to either of us and I don't want it. I can take care of myself. He is capable and has a degree that can support him okay if he would use it. Selling the business and splitting the proceeds in accordance to ownership which I own the majority. The same with the house, sell it and split the money. 50/50 in this case.

 

The boxes were just boxes to finish packing.

 

 

Well that's all the more reason to be away from him and in a place you can relax.

 

Did one of them confess about the child? Seems to quick to have results from a dna test.

[KathyM]

Hi KathyM. I saw your name mentioned in the other thread. There was a great deal of misinformation in that thread also. There is no need for custody, our children are on their own and out of the house. I said that a bunch of times but for some the insistence that I would lose my children was more important than reading that they were on their own.

 

I think you are right about the panic stricken part. I know he thought I would never find out and certainly not that I would file for divorce. I am very family oriented and this must be a shock to his system. I think the image that he had of me was one of compliance. So denial is going to be his tool?

I tried to edit my post when I saw your children were adults, but it was too late. He won't lose custody of his kids, but he will certainly lose their respect and admiration. Oftentimes, adult children have the most difficult time with infidelity of a parent. Maybe because they have more understanding of the magnitude of it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I do admire how strong you have been in handling this. It sounds like denial is the way your husband is coping with this upset. That's not going to work for him, though. Eventually, he'll have to face the reality, and that will be coming up quickly enough.

[aliveagain]

Is there a chance your husband is the father of O/W's youngest child? That would complicate things for your STBXH and your children, finding out they have a new half brother or sister. What a waste of two great families. I am with you regarding zero tolerance of infidelity. I have eaten that sh*t sandwich several times, you cheat, your gone.

[peaksandvalleys]

Well that's all the more reason to be away from him and in a place you can relax.

 

Did one of them confess about the child? Seems to quick to have results from a dna test.

 

 

I don't know. :(If she confessed or he has results it was in an email. I read but do not respond. I can't right now. I don't respond to her stuff either. I just save it for the lawyer. It doesn't matter I guess for me one way or the other, but my kids going to have readjust to balance yet again.

[Spark1111]

If it is not the biological child of her H, whose child is it?

 

Does your stbxH care that it could be his child? I mean, not that it would matter to you at this point, but what if it isn't?

[cozycottagelg]

So is the child your husbands? Or is it another mans? If it's your husbands, have you spoken to him about it? That makes my heart hurt.

 

Your husband truly is in denial. Men in long term relationships/marriages do this. Completely oblivious to everything going on around them, but once something is discovered or they realize the severity of their actions, they think a complete change in themselves is going to help the situation.

[peaksandvalleys]

If it is not the biological child of her H, whose child is it?

 

Does your stbxH care that it could be his child? I mean, not that it would matter to you at this point, but what if it isn't?

 

 

I don't know Spark. I just don't know. I mean I know that he isn't her first affair based on some of the info I have. But would she really make two men think they are the father? My brain just doesn't work like that. I know rationally that she could do that but what kind of heart do you have to do that to a child?

 

He really hasn't talked about any of what is happening, just what he is doing to be a "better person". It's as if that child is an after thought. He was never that way with our children.

[velvette]

I don't know. :(If she confessed or he has results it was in an email. I read but do not respond. I can't right now. I don't respond to her stuff either. I just save it for the lawyer. It doesn't matter I guess for me one way or the other, but my kids going to have readjust to balance yet again.

 

Does that mean she is still contacting you? What the heck does she want from you?

[Yesterday]

I see the other thread is closed so here are a few updates.

 

1) Had a meeting with the lawyer and there will be a hearing soon. There is a buyer for the business and I have decided to stay with one of the kids for a few days until my place is ready.

 

2) WS says he has been to counseling but refuses to get a lawyer. He says that he can handle things himself because we aren't divorcing. He is sure a MC can help us.

 

3) We will have a sit down with the kids once we have the meeting with the lawyer together.

 

4) BS of OW is not the father of their youngest. That isn't a shock but a gut punch anyway.

 

5) I had some boxes in the garage to continue packing that have strangely disappeared. I asked WS if he had seen them, he just shook his head no but wanted to talk about the speed at which things are happening. Apparently, I am not giving him a chance to do anything to change. If he wants to change he doesn't need my permission. Just go do your thing.

 

I am open to answering direct questions. I ask that if there are posters that most disagree with please let's just stay on topic so that this thread won't be closed.

 

P+V

Sorry your other thread became so weird,

 

1. Did you discuss your desire to meet with the OW with your lawyer? Do you still plan to meet with her?

2. Sorry for the news on the OC, but do you know if your WS is indeed the father? If so, this will hurt your children very much. Do you know if your WS is aware of this news too?

3. Nothing strange about the missing boxes to me, your WS is trying to delay things for you even in a small way.

4. Your WS had 20 years to change, if I recall your original thread. He used up all the time he needed.

 

We gain a great deal of strength from our children, keep strong.

[underwater2010]

I see the other thread is closed so here are a few updates.

 

1) Had a meeting with the lawyer and there will be a hearing soon. There is a buyer for the business and I have decided to stay with one of the kids for a few days until my place is ready.

 

I am glad to hear that things are going according to plan. I think it was a wise move for you to stay with your kid. I had to have sucked to watch him place "nice" now that you don't want/need it.

 

2) WS says he has been to counseling but refuses to get a lawyer. He says that he can handle things himself because we aren't divorcing. He is sure a MC can help us.

 

Boy is he in DENIAL!!! I think it would be interesting to see his response to MC. When he figures out that he actions are the reason for the divorce. It is not all roses like he is thinking. And it exposes everything!!!

 

3) We will have a sit down with the kids once we have the meeting with the lawyer together.

 

Is this standard?

 

4) BS of OW is not the father of their youngest. That isn't a shock but a gut punch anyway.

 

Does this mean that your husband is? I wish I could hug her BH. He has now been doubly devastated I am sure.

 

5) I had some boxes in the garage to continue packing that have strangely disappeared. I asked WS if he had seen them, he just shook his head no but wanted to talk about the speed at which things are happening.

 

I am wondering if you shouldn't get your stuff out ASAP. I fear that he will start hiding things to keep you around longer. Maybe enlist your kids to help you get things packed up and moved this weekend.

 

Apparently, I am not giving him a chance to do anything to change. If he wants to change he doesn't need my permission. Just go do your thing.

 

With you out of the house and the divorce proceeding his chance is there. It all comes down to how persistent he wants to be. I am not saying it would change your mind, but not a lot of time has pasted for his changes to be evident.

 

I am open to answering direct questions. I ask that if there are posters that most disagree with please let's just stay on topic so that this thread won't be closed.

 

How are you holding up now?

[peaksandvalleys]

Does that mean she is still contacting you? What the heck does she want from you?

 

I think she alternates between being anger and scared. Maybe she thinks I have more information. She leaves me scratching my head as much as WH does.

[peaksandvalleys]

How are you holding up now?

 

 

No meeting with one lawyer is a bad idea. But the lawyer seems to think that if he makes it clear that there will be divorce that he will go get legal advice. He thinks he can handle everything himself because there really won't be a divorce. That I am going to change my mind about everything.

 

I put a living will and power of attorney in place. Something that I should have done years ago. My wishes concerning any medical treatment and who is allowed to make those decisions.

[cozycottagelg]

I know you have so much going on...but when you first discovered the affair, you spoke of an evening where you and him were at the table and he asked if YOU were seeing anyone. Have you brought that up? I'd be so curious to see what he had to say about that. For someone who thinks "he can change" that would be a HUGE slap in the face for me.

[peaksandvalleys]

I know you have so much going on...but when you first discovered the affair, you spoke of an evening where you and him were at the table and he asked if YOU were seeing anyone. Have you brought that up? I'd be so curious to see what he had to say about that. For someone who thinks "he can change" that would be a HUGE slap in the face for me.

 

 

No I haven't brought up him accusing me. I have asked him what he thinks of the situation we are in? You know it is like asking a teenager what is going through their head and all they say is " I don't know".

[Spark1111]

I don't know Spark. I just don't know. I mean I know that he isn't her first affair based on some of the info I have. But would she really make two men think they are the father? My brain just doesn't work like that. I know rationally that she could do that but what kind of heart do you have to do that to a child?

 

He really hasn't talked about any of what is happening, just what he is doing to be a "better person". It's as if that child is an after thought. He was never that way with our children.

 

How sad for the child! What if there is another OM out there?

 

And yes, it is the easiest way to manipulate a man and as old a hook as time to claim the baby is his, or his, unfortunately.

 

What a mess. go get some more boxes and get busy.

[BetrayedH]

Doing great, P&V. Keep on truckin'. That anger is motivating.

 

Smooth move on H's part to steal your moving boxes. Gosh, I guess you'll have to stay home now. Him smart.

[peaksandvalleys]

How sad for the child! What if there is another OM out there?

 

And yes, it is the easiest way to manipulate a man and as old a hook as time to claim the baby is his, or his, unfortunately.

 

What a mess. go get some more boxes and get busy.

 

 

I think I had pretty much made up my mind that there were two possibilities but then real life isn't what we always imagine.

[Spark1111]

No I haven't brought up him accusing me. I have asked him what he thinks of the situation we are in? You know it is like asking a teenager what is going through their head and all they say is " I don't know".

 

Have you asked him point blank if he thinks he is the father of her child?

 

if he is, that would be the final straw and ultimate deal breaker for me and I told my H so when I threw him out oh, one of several times.

 

If she gets pregnant now by you as a desperate measure to keep her soulmate, well not only do I divorce you but I could never be friends or even civil to you again.

 

It would be the biggest trigger for me and would mean, by default, that she would be forever a part of our lives and I could not even fathom that. Plus our children would now have a half-sibling that they would in time, adore.

 

Holidays together? One big happy family? Uh, no thanks.

 

And if it is NOT his child, well then, WTH is the father?

[peaksandvalleys]

Have you asked him point blank if he thinks he is the father of her child?

 

if he is, that would be the final straw and ultimate deal breaker for me and I told my H so when I threw him out oh, one of several times.

 

If she gets pregnant now by you as a desperate measure to keep her soulmate, well not only do I divorce you but I could never be friends or even civil to you again.

 

It would be the biggest trigger for me and would mean, by default, that she would be forever a part of our lives and I could not even fathom that. Plus our children would now have a half-sibling that they would in time, adore.

 

Holidays together? One big happy family? Uh, no thanks.

 

And if it is NOT his child, well then, WTH is the father?

 

 

Yeah Spark it doesn't matter for me at this point.

[rumbleseat]

I know it's not really your concern right now, but have you heard anything about how the ow ws is doing? It sounds like he has been punched in the gut as well.

 

It sounds like things are moving along for you. One foot in front of the other.

 

Is there any way that , when all of this has dies down, you are your kids could maybe take a vacation somewhere to rest and regroup a bit?