Is NC the best way to go?

[JamesM]

Now I guess that is a strange question from a married man, but I read of so many people who break up for "normal" reasons (as opposed to cheating) that decide to go NC.

 

Is that always so good?

 

Here is why I don't think it is.

 

Many years ago, I too broke up with a woman. We had been dating for many months and had actually set a date for a wedding. We had become engaged, but I was not happy. I felt that I had been pressured into asking her to marry me. It was not that I didn't feel I loved her, but it was simply that it was on her schedule and not mine.

 

I asked her (yes, asked) if we could break the engagement because I was not ready to marry. I wanted to keep dating but wait on the engagement. She was taken back and said, "If you want to break the engagement, then we will be done." She expected me to say that I didn't want to and continue on.

 

But I knew what it was doing to me. I was not myself. Normally an assertive person, I had become a bit hesitant and unsure of myself. I needed to take control of my life. I would wake up at night with that feeling of dread in my stomach feeling that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And it was ruining me. I lost weight (and I didn't have any to lose at the time). This was one of those moments that would decide my future. And I knew what I had to do to gain my confidence back.

 

Suddenly more like myself, I said, "If that is what you want, then it is over." She was devastated and quite surprised to say the least, but the deed was done. I felt relieved. I know that she gained alot of respect for me that day as she realized that I "was back."

 

The next day she called me and asked me to come over and talk with/comfort her. I did. We did nothing else much to her dismay, but we talked as friends. I kept my control and did not cave. If we dated, then it would be on my terms. It was a strange day to say the least. During the next couple of weeks, we still talked on the phone off and on. She went out on a couple of dates. I did not.

 

After a month, we decided to date again with no engagement. And we more or less started over. It was different. And eventually, it was better.

 

Five months later, we were engaged again with a much more solid relationship. I was certain that I chose to be married to her. She was happy that I was more assertive with her.

 

And so we were married five months from the engagement (which was an earlier date than it would have been. )

 

It has been about 20 years, and I can look back on that time with the satisfaction that I chose marriage. And through out all of these years despite our problems (and LS knows most of them), the knowledge that I chose the marriage has made me realize that I am responsible for my choices.

 

So back to NC. If we had gone NC...either of us, then this story would have been completely different. Who knows (before anyone else says it) it could have been better for one of us. But honestly, overall, I am happy how it turned out, and I know she is too.

 

My question to you all who have gone NC.....what IF you had not gone NC? What if you had maintained communication and what if you had ended up as we did? Has going NC been the best thing or could it have cut off possibly the best relationship of your life?

 

Just thinking today.

[todreaminblue]

hey james....i think your story would be pretty rare...you are a wonderful man obviously i have read your posts....and smiled through most of them..the positivity...and gentle spirit you have.......your wife is lucky.....and you are lucky to have a joyous relationship with a wife who loves you and who you love back.... marriage does rock for some.......smilin...for others was never meant to happen........hence no contact

 

 

 

 

 

no contact is a necessary evil in my opinion....and it is the circumstances surrounding the no contact that count, not the no contact itself it is just a means to an end...when there has to be an end....or both go insane if there isnt an end......every situation is different..so glad yours worked out...no cotnact is often the only way to stop two people from hurting each other or for some hurt individual going rank on the person who hurt her ....or him..............deb

[JamesM]

Dreamin, I would like to think I am a rare individual with rare circumstances, but I actually am afraid I am not.

 

From my reading here, I see many couples going NC when I think that sitting down and talking would lead to a second opportunity and possibly a long term relationship. How many of you look back ans say, "If only I had tried once more with that guy/girl?" How many of you think that if you had just taken the time to explain your side and listened to the other side, then things would be different today?

 

Personally, I can see a number of cases where the hope left while the chance for reconciliation was still very possible.

[RedRobin]

Dreamin, I would like to think I am a rare individual with rare circumstances, but I actually am afraid I am not.

 

From my reading here, I see many couples going NC when I think that sitting down and talking would lead to a second opportunity and possibly a long term relationship. How many of you look back ans say, "If only I had tried once more with that guy/girl?" How many of you think that if you had just taken the time to explain your side and listened to the other side, then things would be different today?

 

Personally, I can see a number of cases where the hope left while the chance for reconciliation was still very possible.

 

This is a good point. I don't remember any time I've gone NC.

 

If anything, I reassert my boundaries, step back a bit, and then go from there. If they violate that boundary, I reassert it, and step back again until there is nothing and no reason or desire to stay in touch at all... provided they aren't stalkers, mean, etc.

 

I don't necessarily believe it will result in a long-term relationship if people don't go NC. Since my divorce, that has been true at least. Maybe because everyone else is going NC instead of talking things through?

 

What often does happen is that they get SOME insight into their communication style and how they are perceived by others. Any marketer will tell you that ANY feedback is good feedback... as long as the person can find a way to not overly internalize things. So I definitely agree with you that finding a way to at least do a little post-mortem or talk things through is best.

 

People don't get this feedback when they go NC.

 

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story though... My mom and dad had a similar story... My dad did something that SERIOUSLY pissed my mom off when they were dating. I won't share it here, but it was pretty major. She refused to talk to him for about a month. My dad contacted her friends, her parents... trying to convince her to give him a chance to make it up to her.

 

She did. They've been happily married for almost 50 years now. At the time, he would say he wasn't testing her, but thinking about their relationship... yea, he must have been. All the women in his family are strong. Not domineering or ball-busting... but definitely can fend for themselves and speak up. He wouldn't have respected her if she put up with it.

[Got it]

I think that usually when things have hit a point that you break up there are issues in the relationship that no amount of revisiting is going to change. Rarely/less frequently, people break up one time and stay NC. It is usually a rinse and repeat and I know we women tend to be forever the optimist that "he/the relationship will be different this time!" .

 

I know that with my ex we would give it another shot but the problem was our core issues never changed (we broke up almost every day in college). So we rinsed and repeated through marriage and finally to divorce. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed broken up our senior year of college and just transitioned to a great friendship. We always had it, we just kept pushing the romantic relationship.

 

On the flip side, my affair, we broke up after dday, and got back together. Our core reason for breaking up was "because he was married" so when that dynamic changed and he divorced we got back together.

 

So I think NC could work in many cases or for a time period. I do not think that most relationships break up and get back together, because of core issues in the relationship, and then come back stronger.

 

So I think it depends.

[happydate]

Now I guess that is a strange question from a married man, but I read of so many people who break up for "normal" reasons (as opposed to cheating) that decide to go NC.

 

Is that always so good?

 

Here is why I don't think it is.

 

Many years ago, I too broke up with a woman. We had been dating for many months and had actually set a date for a wedding. We had become engaged, but I was not happy. I felt that I had been pressured into asking her to marry me. It was not that I didn't feel I loved her, but it was simply that it was on her schedule and not mine.

 

I asked her (yes, asked) if we could break the engagement because I was not ready to marry. I wanted to keep dating but wait on the engagement. She was taken back and said, "If you want to break the engagement, then we will be done." She expected me to say that I didn't want to and continue on.

 

But I knew what it was doing to me. I was not myself. Normally an assertive person, I had become a bit hesitant and unsure of myself. I needed to take control of my life. I would wake up at night with that feeling of dread in my stomach feeling that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And it was ruining me. I lost weight (and I didn't have any to lose at the time). This was one of those moments that would decide my future. And I knew what I had to do to gain my confidence back.

 

Suddenly more like myself, I said, "If that is what you want, then it is over." She was devastated and quite surprised to say the least, but the deed was done. I felt relieved. I know that she gained alot of respect for me that day as she realized that I "was back."

 

The next day she called me and asked me to come over and talk with/comfort her. I did. We did nothing else much to her dismay, but we talked as friends. I kept my control and did not cave. If we dated, then it would be on my terms. It was a strange day to say the least. During the next couple of weeks, we still talked on the phone off and on. She went out on a couple of dates. I did not.

 

After a month, we decided to date again with no engagement. And we more or less started over. It was different. And eventually, it was better.

 

Five months later, we were engaged again with a much more solid relationship. I was certain that I chose to be married to her. She was happy that I was more assertive with her.

 

And so we were married five months from the engagement (which was an earlier date than it would have been. )

 

It has been about 20 years, and I can look back on that time with the satisfaction that I chose marriage. And through out all of these years despite our problems (and LS knows most of them), the knowledge that I chose the marriage has made me realize that I am responsible for my choices.

 

So back to NC. If we had gone NC...either of us, then this story would have been completely different. Who knows (before anyone else says it) it could have been better for one of us. But honestly, overall, I am happy how it turned out, and I know she is too.

 

My question to you all who have gone NC.....what IF you had not gone NC? What if you had maintained communication and what if you had ended up as we did? Has going NC been the best thing or could it have cut off possibly the best relationship of your life?

 

Just thinking today.

 

The difference between you and your wife and the rest of us is that, you and your wife set a life together as co-partners and are not self-centered and selfish in your endeavours to be couples of life. If you ask all the married couples today who have weathered the storm, you will know that while they both may have domineering or dominating personalities, they are all willing to compromise and to take a step back and call a timeout. After all, we are individuals and not clones. Why? Because it is love. True love conquers all because when we look at our partner, we love our partner for all his or her flaws and both of them are helping each other to work on the flaws, improve and grow. That is what a relationship is all about, for the development and growth of yourself and your partner mentally and spiritually. You are both teachers and students. That's how relationship is supposed to work.

 

When we put ourself as self-centered and selfish and egotistical, then the relationship is one sided, power based and logically based without any love in it. A lot of people mistaken LOVE as being having lots of sex and that if it involves sex, it must be love. That's the physical part of sex that gives an illusion to love. But love is much more and as you are one of the examples. Very few well are as selfless and giving and these are the qualities in a successful relationship.

Edited October 30, 2013 by happydate

[carhill]

IMO, it depends. If a person can effectively emotionally detach and/or compartmentalize and remain in contact, then NC is really superfluous. They don't need to reset or re-prioritize through no contact because they've already done so as the basic psychological level.

 

Myself, I found NC to effectively and healthily balance priority of self over priority of others. I experimented with ignoring the tool and found it to greatly and negatively impact healing processes and ending of emotional attachments. So, in pragmatic fashion, I learned to, over many years, go with what works for my psychology. Terminate the person and move on. In the end game, they're one of billions and really not that important. Who taught this? Other people. Society. Culture. Peer integration as a young person. In that regard, FOO failed in the establishment of healthy priority of self over others, an issue which I rectified in life.

 

For another person, NC may be the absolute worst way to go. For myself, it works. That's really all I care about.

[Els]

I think, like everything in life, there is no catch all solution. That means that yes, some Rs do end up working out after a breakup. Many others don't or shouldn't, though.

 

IMO most that I read about in LS fall under the latter.

[JamesM]

The difference between you and your wife and the rest of us is that, you and your wife set a life together as co-partners and are not self-centered and selfish in your endeavours to be couples of life. If you ask all the married couples today who have weathered the storm, you will know that while they both may have domineering or dominating personalities, they are all willing to compromise and to take a step back and call a timeout.

 

Thank you, but unfortunately, we are not always selfless. In fact, part of the breakup was because IMO she was selfish and I was giving. Maybe not reality, but for me, I needed to stand back and reexamine the situation before proceeding pell mell into marriage. She is and always has been more domineering than I overall simply because she says what she thinks. But yes, compromising by both of us has helped even when it is difficult.

 

IMO, it depends. If a person can effectively emotionally detach and/or compartmentalize and remain in contact, then NC is really superfluous. They don't need to reset or re-prioritize through no contact because they've already done so as the basic psychological level.

 

The question is (and I will never know either) if you had not terminated and re prioritized while communicating, could you have built a successful relationship?

 

The reverse is always true too. Could I have been better off moving on and marrying someone else?

 

One never knows.

 

I think, like everything in life, there is no catch all solution. That means that yes, some Rs do end up working out after a breakup. Many others don't or shouldn't, though.

 

IMO most that I read about in LS fall under the latter.

 

I agree. There is no catch all.

 

I don't know about all or many of the Rs on here, but I know that I could have described our relationship in such a fashion that most would have said, "Move on." A few years ago, a member who no longer is here, posted a thread and gave his/her opinion about whether the relationship should continue or not. I never liked the thread, because IMO too many people may take it seriously and end relationships or continue based on the advice given. So I posted my own story as if I were still dating with my feelings from then and how we interacted before the breakup. The advice? Break up and don't look back. Move on to someone better fitted. So I wonder how many post on LS with how they feel at the time and then lose a possible great future with someone who may actually be good for them...if they worked through their emotions and problems.

 

I do think it is better to break up versus continuing in a relationship that doesn't seem good. I just wonder whether we move on too quickly.

[cocorico]

Now I guess that is a strange question from a married man, but I read of so many people who break up for "normal" reasons (as opposed to cheating) that decide to go NC.

 

Is that always so good?

 

Here is why I don't think it is.

 

Many years ago, I too broke up with a woman. We had been dating for many months and had actually set a date for a wedding. We had become engaged, but I was not happy. I felt that I had been pressured into asking her to marry me. It was not that I didn't feel I loved her, but it was simply that it was on her schedule and not mine.

 

I asked her (yes, asked) if we could break the engagement because I was not ready to marry. I wanted to keep dating but wait on the engagement. She was taken back and said, "If you want to break the engagement, then we will be done." She expected me to say that I didn't want to and continue on.

 

But I knew what it was doing to me. I was not myself. Normally an assertive person, I had become a bit hesitant and unsure of myself. I needed to take control of my life. I would wake up at night with that feeling of dread in my stomach feeling that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And it was ruining me. I lost weight (and I didn't have any to lose at the time). This was one of those moments that would decide my future. And I knew what I had to do to gain my confidence back.

 

Suddenly more like myself, I said, "If that is what you want, then it is over." She was devastated and quite surprised to say the least, but the deed was done. I felt relieved. I know that she gained alot of respect for me that day as she realized that I "was back."

 

The next day she called me and asked me to come over and talk with/comfort her. I did. We did nothing else much to her dismay, but we talked as friends. I kept my control and did not cave. If we dated, then it would be on my terms. It was a strange day to say the least. During the next couple of weeks, we still talked on the phone off and on. She went out on a couple of dates. I did not.

 

After a month, we decided to date again with no engagement. And we more or less started over. It was different. And eventually, it was better.

 

Five months later, we were engaged again with a much more solid relationship. I was certain that I chose to be married to her. She was happy that I was more assertive with her.

 

And so we were married five months from the engagement (which was an earlier date than it would have been. )

 

It has been about 20 years, and I can look back on that time with the satisfaction that I chose marriage. And through out all of these years despite our problems (and LS knows most of them), the knowledge that I chose the marriage has made me realize that I am responsible for my choices.

 

So back to NC. If we had gone NC...either of us, then this story would have been completely different. Who knows (before anyone else says it) it could have been better for one of us. But honestly, overall, I am happy how it turned out, and I know she is too.

 

My question to you all who have gone NC.....what IF you had not gone NC? What if you had maintained communication and what if you had ended up as we did? Has going NC been the best thing or could it have cut off possibly the best relationship of your life?

 

Just thinking today.

 

I guess it all depends on why you are breaking up.

 

In your example, you were happy (and wanting) to continue dating, it was simply the engagement you wished to set aside. That suggests that you were not through with her, or your R, and her subsequent response shows she was not through with you.

 

IMOE, when I break up with someone it is because I am done. Not because I want to continue a R - albeit a different kind of R - with them. If I wanted a different kind of R, I'd have sat them down to renegotiate at a far earlier point than the breakup - or, perhaps I'd done that, and that had not world out either, and now I was just done. Whichever way, to me, a break up is final. It's my statement that I'm ready to move on and never see that person again in my life. I don't threaten it, use it to manipulate or renegotiate. To me it's not a tool, it's a statement of where I'm at - which is done.

 

Different people have different R styles. Your W clearly saw "done" as a bargaining chip, a negotiating tool, a means of refashioning the R, and because you hadn't really wanted to dump her outright, you were prepared to go Lang with that. And it worked out well for you both, hiccoughs notwithstanding.

 

For myself, if I said I was done, I would expect the other person to respect that, not to phone me or otherwise attempt to engage me. To me, that would be akin to not taking my words intentions seriously, which I would read as disrespectful and diminishing behaviour, and I would instantly cut that person dead. They would no longer exist in my eyes.

 

Likewise, if they said they were done with me, I would respect that and not contact them, and expect them not to contact me or engage me, since I would interpret any attempt to engage me from their side as manipulative or disrespectful after we'd ended the R. And if they persisted, I'd cut them dead.

 

So while I might entertain the possibility of some form of LC if we had an independent professional R which necessitated that, other than that, it would need to be NC for me. I like things direct and straightforward, and to know where I stand, and continued contact after an ended R would simply not work for me at all. I would be done emotionally with that R, and returning to it in any form would be a regressive move for me. I can't go back, only forward.

[MissBee]

So back to NC. If we had gone NC...either of us, then this story would have been completely different. Who knows (before anyone else says it) it could have been better for one of us. But honestly, overall, I am happy how it turned out, and I know she is too.

 

My question to you all who have gone NC.....what IF you had not gone NC? What if you had maintained communication and what if you had ended up as we did? Has going NC been the best thing or could it have cut off possibly the best relationship of your life?

 

Just thinking today.

 

I think it is faulty to attempt to predict what would have happened if you had gone one way instead of another and essentially imagine the road you didn't take. I don't really see the point, as you have in fact no way of knowing how things would really be had you done/not done something. You only have speculation about it and then your current reality.

 

I've never regretted NC and never regretted the end of any relationship and don't believe in "lost love." My personal belief is that things happen as they should, and what didn't happen, well it wasn't supposed to happen, and if it was to happen, it would be happening.

 

I don't think NC has anything to do with it though. Most people do not get back with their exes, but at the beginning of the break up they often want this to be the case....then inevitably you move on and find someone else to love. I therefore wouldn't advise anyone not to go NC "in case." If it is supposed to work out, NC won't stop it, IMO. NC is usually done to get over the relationship and enforced when whatever issues existed are not changing. I think one can reconcile while in NC and may have the impetus to do so if one sees that room and effort for things to be worked out. I have gotten out of NC to try to work on things with exes, it didn't work. So I went back NC to detach and move on. It's a healthy thing to do. It doesn't mean you hate them or that NEVER in life can you ever be friends or even rekindle, it just means looking at the reality of the now and not torturing yourself if things are done/not working, by staying in limbo and trying to be "friends" which if you read around is so painful for most people and not going NC, which is what most people seem to do as default, doesn't in fact make them get back together at all...it is after beating a dead horse that some will finally realize NC is what to do...as all along they were not in NC and hurting themselves.

In my experience, and most others I read here and discuss in real life, the relationship is done, and attempting to be friends right away is usually like holding on to the corpse and preventing yourself from healing. It is also recommended when things are one-sided and where one person is clearly hung up while the other is moving on.

 

I have never regretted NC...but I have regretted the 1.5 yrs I wasted trying to be "friends" with one of my exes "in case" smh, and that is my life lesson to never do that again. I don't worry about what didn't happen or could have happened, as there is no way to know and since I also do not believe in "the one", I believe we have more than one person we can have a great relationship with, so if you missed out on one person, there most likely will be another, so I don't idealize old relationships as some kind of "ultimate could have"....it doesn't make sense to me. I think you will more likely lead a miserable life if you believe in "the one that got away", as you're likely to forever try to idealize some old flame or tell yourself you will never love again etc. I don't believe that and usually after each relationship I find another person I love just as much, sometimes more, and in a different way and am genuinely happy and not at all wondering about some ex.

 

You're happy with your wife and are looking at things from your current perspective of what DID happen....if things had not worked out or you married someone else, needless to say, this might be a very different conversation based on that other reality of your life. It's one thing to look back based on what DID happen and what life is now and say imagine if it were a different way...but it's another to attempt to predict what life would be if it wasn't your life now . You can't know and it makes no sense worrying about that. I focus on: am I happy now? Do I see the purpose in why past Rs didn't work out? Do I feel better for it? If I am unhappy now, what can I do today and tomorrow to change that since looking back to the past will not change what has already happened. I can genuinely say I am happy with my life now and do not ever look back wistfully at ex boyfriends and wonder how things would be. I don't. Well I have wondered what life would be if I was still with one of my exes, but it's not a romantic imagining at all, it's more with the sense that I think I would have probably been a house wife and not doing what I do now, and the thing is, now that my life is how it is, I can't imagine doing that and am glad things didn't work out, but funnily, IF that had been my life I might have liked it....but I have no way of knowing anything outside of my current reality. I can see exactly why all my past Rs didn't work and I don't for one moment regret moving on.I don't ever think that it "should have" worked if only I did xyz...nope...if it didn't work and today I'm not with them, it's cause it wasn't supposed to, so I don't lament over the unknown road I didn't travel which people tend to romanticize sometimes as necessarily better when for all you know it might have been worse.

Edited October 30, 2013 by MissBee

[curiousGeorge2]

NC will not work for me. Never.

 

My first love broke up involuntarily, the ending was so violent that we even didn't have time to say goodbye. She just vanished. It was so traumatic to me that it took 7 yr and an EA with a married women to get over it.

 

Many years later, a woman that I had fell in love with moved to another state but promised me that she would come back in half a year. She never did. After she told me she wouldn't come back, I would have the same dreams almost everyday, in which I would search for her without any results. One year later I visited her, and afterwards magically the dreams stopped.

Edited November 16, 2013 by curiousGeorge2