LostOne08 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) I'm having trouble coming to grips with something and would like to hear everyone's input and experiences in similar situations. I was dating a woman for a little over 4 months and she ended it abruptly. Well, abruptly for me. I'm sure she had been contemplating it for awhile. The thing is, it ended somewhat strangely. I feel like I was baited into a disagreement so that she'd have the framework to break up. We were long distance, so we'd text each other regularly throughout the day and see each other on weekends. One particular weekend, we has plans for her to come visit me and she suddenly pulled back on the texting. I found this odd because the week previously she was super busy at work and still found time to text me quite a bit and call every night. Rather than asking her directly what the issue was, I tried to keep conversation going but her responses were cold and short. Finally she ended the conversation by saying she was going to the movies that night. I asked what she was going to see and who she was going with and got no response. The next day she texted that she couldn't come see me as previously planned. She had never broken plans before. I asked to talk with her and she refused, saying she was busy and would rather talk later. The next day, I pushed the issue and we spoke and she said she didn't think things were working out. She gave a bunch of reasons which I found strange because she never brought any of the up before (religious incompatibility, chemistry had fizzled, I was constantly questioning). The thing is, she didn't break up with me that day. Ultimately, she decided she needed time to think on things. After 9 days of NC, she reached out to me and wanted to meet up to talk. She was initially very sweet and cordial about the whole thing. She knew I had plans for the upcoming weekend (initially, I was going to a show with her, but I ended up taking a female friend of mine). We planned to meet at the end of the weekend, but then she cancelled again and we ended up talking via phone. That's when she broke i Edited October 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Philosoraptor Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 She didn't have the courage to end it so she tried to just disappear and make you end it to relieve her guilt. When you didn't and called her on her crap she gave a bunch of bullcrap reasons. Regardless, she doesn't want to be with you anymore so don't sit around as a backup option. Take care of yourself, heal up, and move on.
Author LostOne08 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) I'm having trouble coming to grips with something and would like to hear everyone's input and experiences in similar situations. I was dating a woman for a little over 4 months and she ended it abruptly. Well, abruptly for me. I'm sure she had been contemplating it for awhile. The thing is, it ended somewhat strangely. I feel like I was baited into a disagreement so that she'd have the framework to break up. We were long distance, so we'd text each other regularly throughout the day and see each other on weekends. One particular weekend, we has plans for her to come visit me and she suddenly pulled back on the texting. I found this odd because the week previously she was super busy at work and still found time to text me quite a bit and call every night. Rather than asking her directly what the issue was, I tried to keep conversation going but her responses were cold and short. Finally she ended the conversation by saying she was going to the movies that night. I asked what she was going to see and who she was going with and got no response. The next day she texted that she couldn't come see me as previously planned. She had never broken plans before. I asked to talk with her and she refused, saying she was busy and would rather talk later. The next day, I pushed the issue and we spoke and she said she didn't think things were working out. She gave a bunch of reasons which I found strange because she never brought any of the up before (religious incompatibility, chemistry had fizzled, I was constantly questioning). The thing is, she didn't break up with me that day. Ultimately, she decided she needed time to think on things. After 9 days of NC, she reached out to me and wanted to meet up to talk. She was initially very sweet and cordial about the whole thing. She knew I had plans for the upcoming weekend (initially, I was going to a show with her, but I ended up taking a female friend of mine). We planned to meet at the end of the weekend, but then she cancelled again and we ended up talking via phone. That's when she broke it off, citing the same reasons. A red flag was that she kept saying she didn't want to see anyone else and couldn't see anyone else. I was bothered by this because we had gotten on well. I'm embarrassed to say that some things weren't perfect, but I was working on them. I treated her well and was pretty attentive. She had two precious long term relationships that ended due to infidelity (not her) and because she was being used. Additionally, right before we started dating, she has gone one one date with a guy who ended up stalking her for months. So, I was pretty floored that as a "good guy" I wasn't getting a fair shake. Anyway, during the breakup, she told me I was a great guy and that she loved hanging out with me and that she wanted to stay in contact and even see each other when I was in town or she was in my town. She said this wasn't going to be everyday, but she wanted that contact and understood if I didn't want to be "friend zoned". I told her that we could try that, but I was reserving the right to break off contact to protect my feelings. I thought things ended somewhat amicably, even though I was crushed. I had really strong feelings for her and still do. After 2 weeks of NC, I decided to try to reach out to her since I was going to be in her town. She told me she was currently out of town then, but she might be back before I left. We ended up missing each other, but spoke on the phone a few days later. Here's where I messed up, though. I ended up rehashing the breakup which annoyed her and she kind of lashed out at me. Telling me she didn't feel chemistry between us again and that she wasn't going to force a relationship that wasn't there for her. She said again she can't see anyone else right now. I asked if that meant her and I can try again later and she said she can't answer that. I asked if there's no chemistry, how is there possibly a chance for us later and she said I was trying to manipulate her into an answer. I told her I wanted to have some contact with her like we talked about before and she basically said "we'll see". Turns out, she was pissed off by my saying I wanted to reserve the right to go NC. So, NC for a month after that. I reached out again (probably a mistake) by texting her an inside joke between us. Got a pretty cold response to that, but pushed anyway and suggested maybe we could talk later. She never responded, so I called her the next day and didn't get an answer. She then texted the following day and said she was pretty busy and didn't have time to talk. I asked her if she wanted me to stop contacting her and she said that for the time being she thinks that would be "ideal". Ouch. So, I texted back a question as to why she offered contact at the breakup and now was pulling it back. I later texted again saying essentially that it was cool, I was respecting her wish for NC and that when things cooled down she can contact me and we could at least work on a friendship. I apologize for the length of this, but like I said I would really like input or insights from everyone. How can a dumper offer contact in this specific way (it wasn't a generic "let's be friends") and then snatch it away like that? What is the rationale there? Does anyone think she's justified in doing this because I said I might suddenly go NC without warning? What about protecting my feelings? I'm at a loss about her 180. Edited October 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author LostOne08 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Thanks for the answer, but the question wasn't about the breakup, it was the aftermath. I'm typing this on my phone and it posted before I was finished. Sorry for the edits as well.
Philosoraptor Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 She wanted you to drop to a friendship, nothing more. When you kept pushing for more it made her uncomfortable as she doesn't want to be more than you friend. Rather than dealing with the stress and uncomfortableness of turning you down and answering questions about the past, she would rather just cut you out all together. Move on, as she not only cut the cord but burned the rope. She's made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you.
Author LostOne08 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 I am moving on, as best as I can. I'm not holding out a candle for her, at least. I just don't understand her actions at the end. I know I messed up by rehashing the breakup once, but the second time I reached out to her I made it clear that I didn't want to talk about our relationship. I told her I just wanted to catch up and see how each other were doing. Maybe she didn't believe that? Again. Why go through the trouble of offering contact in that specific way only to turn around and take it away? Has anyone done that or have a rationale for it?
Lizrd3000 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 She might've said that to get rid of her guilt. Or she might've simply said that to only change her mind afterwards. You'll never know, and that's just fine. You don't need to know, she's the past. Move on, even if it's hard, you'll be better in the end!
yorkie Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 all i can say is i was talking to a female colleague the other day and she has been seeing someone for 3 moths and she said at first he was great, but she is starting to see the real him she says he is possessive and unfriendly with her friends, she was asking my opinion, i said its up to you! im not saying you are like that but sometimes it takes a few months even years to properly get to know someone, after all i have split with my ex after 12 and a half years and i didnt think she would leave me so i guess although hurtful its just one of those things. sorry to sound harsh. i think we all suffer heart ache whilst we wouldnt be on here. anyway best of luck
Author LostOne08 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 I appreciate everyone's input so far. I'm still dumbfounded by this, though. yorkie, It's interesting that you bring that up. Initially, during the break up I was questioning why it took her so long to feel like there wasn't chemistry. I kind of thought it was b.s. because things weren't perfect, but we loved hanging out with one another (at least I thought we did) and had been intimate. Her response was she didn't feel it like she had with other relationships. Which, it is what it is. She alluded to the fact that she thought she was beginning to see the real me. I don't know about that. The real me was the same person she was dating in those months. Can't control how she thinks or feels though. I know people are going to say, "doesn't matter why she did it, she doesn't want you, go NC and heal", which is fine. I have that mindset, too. After someone you have feelings for tells you it would be "ideal" for you not to contact them, there's not much else you can do except not contact them. Thing is, we are both adults. She has no problem expressing herself. If I didn't want to speak to her, I would not have offered to keep in contact. She did, then seemingly for no reason took it away. I would understand more if I was rude to her or had mistreated her somehow. This just seems way too juvenile for me.
yorkie Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 tbh i think that alot of people expect or have certain expectations nowadays and 3/4/5 months they get bored easily you look at online dating nowadays how hard is that!, also people i think do get used to relationships and i was talking to my ex's gran other day and she said my ex wont get anyone like me lol well if thats the case why did she leave? but she will compare our relationship to whoever she gets with it might be better it might not and tbh they could still be searching for what they think is love for ages. each to their own everyone has different feelings and expectations at what love is im afraid i think its rare you find your true love!
Recommended Posts