mandimay Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Hello, I've posted before but not in detail...I really need some advice. I am a 31 year old single Mom of two boys. Life hasn't exactly been easy on us. I am going to my first counseling session tomorrow after being abused throughout my entire childhood by my father, then abused and cheated on for six years in my first marriage and then stolen from and cheated on in my second marriage. I'm at a point where I intend to make certain life is good to my children...no more bad decisions. I am stronger now than I once was when I was the abused little girl and wife...and unfortunately I am quite bitter. Thus, the counseling. But recently life has changed a great deal for me. Please give me a chance to explain. About 10 months ago, I met the most amazing man. He was so incredible to me. I was struggling after being laid off and my unemployment ran out...so he bought food for my children and I. When I started losing my home, he opened his to all three of us. I have no fear of him cheating (although that nagging fear is always there...I know he wouldn't do this to me.) My boyfriend is also a single Dad and was just able to bring his 3 kids (1 girl and 2 boys) home 3 weeks ago from another state. Now, here we are...Seven people (five children) in a 3 bedroom home. Here is my problem: I know that this statement may draw a slew of disagreements, but I feel that a child should respect their parents, not sass or talk back, fight with siblings or tell lies--If they do, in my opinion they should be punished. Now, don't get me wrong...I made a promise to my oldest when he was first put in my arms that he would never be afraid to go to sleep at night like I was...A spanking consists of a smack on the hand or a pop on the rear. Most of the time, they lose the video games and TV for the night and quite honestly they'd rather get a smack on the hand. When it was just my boyfriend, my 2 boys and I in the house, there were numerous rules my sons had to follow. Our room was off limits. No computer time since it was in our room. No running through the house or screaming or horseplaying. I agreed to these rules and made certain they were followed or punishment was handed out. Since the first day my boyfriend's children arrived those rules went out the window. The first day they were here, my boyfriend's children were on the computer, jumping on my bed, running around and screaming---while my sons stood from the hallway looking in sadly as if to say, "What is going on here? I thought this was a bad thing?" What was I to do? It wasn't "my" home...and they weren't "my" kids to be punishing. Recently when my 2 sons and one of my boyfriend's sons were horseplaying on the bus, threatened with being suspended from it for three days, I threw a fit. My sons were punished and had to stay in their room. My boyfriend talked to his son and sent him on his way to play video games. His reasoning behind it was to say that he was only head butting my oldest out of play---Not to be mean. HellO?? The bus driver and I didn't say they were being mean. They were horseplaying. But onto bigger issues... My boyfriend's daughter. She is almost 10. Holy Hell. All of the boys were recently playing hide and seek and my son was hiding under her blanket in her room. She came out of the shower with nothing but a towel on (now, against the rules--you leave the bathroom totally dressed!) and she went into her room. When my son saw she was standing there with a towel on, he was embarressed. He left the room...so did his daughter. She came straight to where her Dad and I was, in a room right outside the bathroom, to tell me that my oldest needed to be punished for trying to watch her change clothes. (by the way, my oldest is 11 and is still in the "I hate girls" stage). When I tried to say that I knew there had to be another explanation (and there was) she said, "No! I heard him outside the hallway saying "I am going to go hide so I can watch her change." I was right outside the bathroom door. I would know if this would have happened. My boyfriend sat there and said nothing. I took my sons and said I was going for a drive. I took the opportunity to talk to my son, who was very embarressed by it all and disgusted that someone would think he would want to see a (yuck!) girl. I talked to my boyfriend later and he talked to her about it and got the truth from her...two days later. I could go on and on and on...The bad thing is that after putting my sons thru punishments for months, my boyfriend is totally different now. His daughter can slash her brother with her fingernails, bringing blood, and her punishment is 10 minutes in her room...which she is able to get out of by crying and saying "I want my Mommy...I want to go see Mommy." and he gives in. He says, "They just got back...It's going to take time before I can start punishing them." In the meantime, I am trying to be more lenient on my 2 sons to make things fair...and they are starting to walk all over me. Little things are starting to get to me...Any little inconsistancy is suddenly a huge issue to me...Like the fact that he jumps down my sons throat when he starts discussing a part of a movie we are watching, which my son has already seen...yet when his own children do it, he listens attentively. Like the fact that he doesn't punish his daughter for lying...(example: she got caught lying after karate chopping her brother's throat and started complaining of a stomach ache. When my boyfriend said "I will fix some dinner in a minute" she left the room in tears and told my oldest, "My stomach hurts and my Dad says that's why he won't fix me any food." She also made statements like this about her Mother when she didn't get her way, which resulted in Social Services visits and an unwarranted visit from police (She got a neighbor to call police saying her Mom beat her and scratched up her face...yet later admitted that the kids all did it to each other so that they could go live with their Dad.) I'm tired of hearing excuses. I try to talk to him, but he always just feels my discussions are attacks. Right now, there are 5 children running this home. I feel bad punishing my 2 sons when 3 other children in the house get no punishment for the same thing or worse. I fear having lies told that would result in me losing my children or having the state step in. My boyfriend keeps saying "I'm working on it. They just got here. I will eventually punish them appropriately." In the meantime? The love that I had is fading. My concerns about fair treatment among the children are referred to as "conspiracy theories" and I'm beginning to wonder if I am just too uptight about it all. My "conspiracry theories" are warranted in my mind because I intend to give my son a good life. I don't have too many more years to offer him a stable life and I 've made so many bad decisions. I don't want him to grow up and say "Mom just married this one and that one and then we had step siblings and we got in trouble for doing things while they got nothing. She only cared about herself...not me and my biological brother." I want to go home. My parents have told me they will welcome me back immediately. But I love this man, and I know that he is kind and plays with my children and they admire him...just not so much now that they were required to be mice for months and now no one has to follow rules. I can't talk to him anymore...and I don't know if I even want to...I need advice.
johnnyl321 Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 your relationship with your children are by far more important than any relationship you'll have with someone else. if he's going to let his little monsters run the asylum, why should you have to suffer? maybe he'll realize when you're gone, what a blunder he's made and will try to find a way to fix it. g'luck
seahorse Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Hi, It seems to me that he is not being at all consistant in his rules and regulations and your children will see it that he is not playing fair. The my children/your children differences in punishment thing is a big no-no and if you REALLY want to sort this out, then you have to sit down and talk to him very, very seriously. Explain that all of these issues are affecting how you feel for him, and that unless you can come to an agreement on how to treat ALL your children equally and fairly, you are not sure where your future lies. As for the kids - once you've come to an agreement here - if you can, you BOTH need to sit down and explain to them the new set of house rules that you WILL have by then drawn up, and you need to be definite about them. His kids need to know that there are not going to be any allowances made for things that have happened in the past. Kids will always try to push boundaries - and set adults off against one another. Consistancy is key. Never, EVER move the goalposts. (This may sound hard, but believe me, it works) Your kids need to know that the rules and punishments are for all of the family and not just for them. This is where you and your man have to be a team, working together, to be consistant together and never to give a say so to any child without the other having been checked with first. Kids are great at going from one adult to another, asking for the same favours, even when one part of the adult team has already said what's what. You both should feel able to hand out appropriate rewards and punishments to each others children without any comeback from the other adult. Again, if you are both sticking to the rules as agreed, there should be no problem here. The children have to accept this. If you are serious about each other, and see each other as life partners, I can't see any other way to go forward. Hope this helps.
bebop Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Get out. Go home. This thing will never, ever work. I was a single Mom for eleven years (my son is grown now.) Your situation will never work and your children will pay the price forever. Do you really want that? Given your history, go home, and stay out of relationships for awhile. Get your own mind and your past in order as much as possible. Focus on yourself, and on raising your kids. Fluck this guy and his ill-behaved little monster rugrats. Put yourself and your children first, NOT him and his, that's dysfunctional in itself.
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