beyondcrushed Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) A coworker and I were dating seriously for 8 months. He had a habit of pulling away emotionally and physically from me. He told me to always be open with him. When I confronted him about his "pullback", it pushed him further away. He began to disrespect me -- snippy, hurtful, tactless. He said my insecurity and neediness is a turn off. He says I have lost myself and am not strong or confident. He says he hasn't felt romantic towards me for weeks and just wants to be friends. So we break up and I am devastated. I keep texting him and we went for coffee. It is excruciatingly because I want his love and he just treats me like a friend. He is annoyed with my lovey texts and ignores me. So I avoid him and try to move on. Five weeks later, he texts me asking me if I was seeing someone cause the thought was bothering him. I said no. That week, he invites me out twice but I couldn't go. I suggest a day on the weekend and he said he'd text me if he could. He never did text me. I hadn't heard from him since last week. I contacted him last night and he agreed to a lunch date with me. He said he didn't know why I would want to meet since it seems like I've been going out of my way to avoid him. LOL! He's been avoiding me and made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. Sadly, all I want is to get back together with him. Do you think he misses me? Why did he ask if I was seeing someone else? Do you think he wants to get back together? If not, why would he waste his time being friends with me? Is he just playing games? Do I ask him these questions on our lunch date or play it cool, show him I'm confident/independent? Edited October 29, 2013 by beyondcrushed previous version too long
Assasda Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Do you think he misses me? Why did he ask if I was seeing someone else? Do you think he wants to get back together? If not, why would he waste his time being friends with me? Is he just playing games? Do I ask him these questions on our lunch date or play it cool, show him I'm confident/independent? 1. He misses, the real you. Yourself, not the person that you become when youre attached to him 2. He wants to see if he's attracted to you. Dont be needy and insecure 3. Same as 2. 4 He could legit want to be friends with you. 5. Be yourself when you go out with him. Dont ask him any approval questions, like does he think you look pretty or anything like that
Author beyondcrushed Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Thanks so much Assada. We went to lunch today. I played it cool. We kept the conversation light -- what we've been up to. But I realized he just wants to be friends based on his demeanor and chatter. I had a really hard time with it because I am not over him to just be friends. So, after lunch as we were walking back to work, I told him I couldn't do this and be friends right now because I miss and love him. That I need to get over him. He said ok. But he was so upset about it he left me and walked away in another direction and wouldn't turn back when I said "wait". I suppose he feels rejected by me not wanting to be friends. Or maybe he feels smothered by me again and is running for fear. I don't know. I later texted him saying I want to get back together and I asked if he wanted to too. He basically said no. He said he thinks he's not the right guy for me and that I will find someone who will treat me the way I want. I left the door open -- if he ever changed his mind to contact me, otherwise don't bother. We will be avoiding/ignoring each other now. I am going to move on and stop hoping he may want to be with me someday. If he doesn't now, I am not going to wait. I am going to live my life. It's just terribly sad when I think about the good times and how head over heels he was over me, and now, nothing. He did say when we broke up that he really loved chatting and hanging out with me more than anything. I suppose he wanted that still through a friendship. I guess he didn't realize how emotionally invested I am in him still and that I cannot be a friend. Not yet, anyway. Thanks again for your help!
Author beyondcrushed Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I went to bed last night and didn't read your post until now. I wish I ready it sooner. You are right. I think he misses the real me and was testing the 'waters' to see if I am back and if he could be attracted to me. Now I wish I didn't shut it down with the "no friendship" card. But it was so hard to pretend to be friends. This may be for the best. Thanks.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I went to bed last night and didn't read your post until now. I wish I ready it sooner. You are right. I think he misses the real me and was testing the 'waters' to see if I am back and if he could be attracted to me. Now I wish I didn't shut it down with the "no friendship" card. But it was so hard to pretend to be friends. This may be for the best. Thanks. You shouldn't try to be friends until you can handle the friendship. You aren't there right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just stay NC, work on getting yourself back and see where your life goes from there.
Assasda Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Now you proved to him, that you can only smother him. I think its just about over now. Best of luck to you. There are a lot of guys around. Just dont ever lose yourself.
Author beyondcrushed Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I think the same -- that I totally proved that I would only smother him again. I wish I didn't do that. You are right. It's over now. And yes, I am not ready for friendship at all. I have to move on now. Thanks everyone:(
Simon Phoenix Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I think the same -- that I totally proved that I would only smother him again. I wish I didn't do that. You are right. It's over now. And yes, I am not ready for friendship at all. I have to move on now. Thanks everyone:( You smothered him because you are still raw from the break. Even if you hadn't smothered him after this meeting you would have shortly after, because you aren't far enough removed from the situation.
Author beyondcrushed Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I agree completely. If not at this meeting, shortly after I would've said something because I am not removed/detached enough. Thanks for confirming that. I feel better. I have to work on not losing myself in relationships. It is so toxic. I lost another guy because of it and I did the same with my ex husband but he could handle it. Thanks again.
Assasda Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 I agree completely. If not at this meeting, shortly after I would've said something because I am not removed/detached enough. Thanks for confirming that. I feel better. I have to work on not losing myself in relationships. It is so toxic. I lost another guy because of it and I did the same with my ex husband but he could handle it. Thanks again. That is so big of you to accept that, and to know what you do wrong. Very mature of you. With that attitude I can see you on a lot of guy's radar.
Author beyondcrushed Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Thank you so much. That makes me feel better. I want nothing more than to get over this guy, fix my issues and be in a healthy loving relationship. It's so hard to get past all this right now.
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Since this last post, he contacted me again. But to say how he hates how I avoid and ignore him, and that I should treat him with the same respect he is trying to treat me with. I responded to him asking him to come over and see me. He said he thinks i don't get what he's saying. I didn't respond and we hadn't talked since. I realized that he has no understanding or compassion for the hurt i'm going through because of our breakup. He is just being selfish, basically saying he doesn't want to be with me PLUS he expects me to get over him on his terms. Screw him. And upon reflection, he was lacking compassion through the relationship -- didn't like me being emotional, told me I have to put my "big girl pants on", told me I should be past my childhood issues saying "get over it". He only has/had enough energy and mental/emotional capacity to deal with his own issues. So, I am so much more at peace and happy knowing breaking up was the right thing in the end. I feel better. And its not as hard to hear him around the office. And I WILL continue to ignore and avoid him, much to his dismay. LOL.
lindsay1990 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) Since this last post, he contacted me again. But to say how he hates how I avoid and ignore him, and that I should treat him with the same respect he is trying to treat me with. I responded to him asking him to come over and see me. He said he thinks i don't get what he's saying. I didn't respond and we hadn't talked since. I realized that he has no understanding or compassion for the hurt i'm going through because of our breakup. . Me me me me me me meeeeeeeee!!! You? In relation to ME. ME! ME! ME! Edit. It also takes a special kind of nerve to call you up to tell you he is displeased at how you are avoiding him and tellyou how you should proceed about treating him post-break up. Edited November 8, 2013 by lindsay1990
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) You're right on the money lindsay1990! Edited November 8, 2013 by beyondcrushed
lindsay1990 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) Interesting. What do you mean exactly? I want to understand what you are trying say. I'm saying this guy is seeking you out, like you already said, to make sure you handle this on his terms. That "you don't get what I'm saying"? Translates to: you're not behaving how I think you should/how I want you to. Seriously. He thinks that should not avoid him, that you are being 'disrespectful' by cutting your contact to the minimum possible. He doesn't like this. He thinks this is wrong of you because you CANNOT POSSIBLY have your own feelings and rights, I mean, you MUST obviously be confused (not "get what he is saying") if you continue to be so obtuse and rebellious and not reacting how he wants/needs you too. This is your situation OP http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/dodge.gif Edited November 8, 2013 by lindsay1990 1
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 This is your situation OP http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/dodge.gif LMAO! I love it. Yes indeed, I totally dodged a bullet! And I understand exactly what you mean. He is unreal. Thanks for spelling it out. I feel great.
Author beyondcrushed Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) Your relationship has been over for quite some time. Once you showed him you were no longer needy, which was his reason for the breakup, he came around. Maybe he just wanted you to be less needy and more confident. Now that you are, those old feelings have come back. I would caution you because he does not seem like a great communicator. Getting emotionally distant and physically distant is not fun, and he did not talk to you about it until it became about YOU calling him out on it. It's another red flag that he tried to blame you for the problems in the relationship when, even if you WERE needy, he never talked to you about it properly and let it degenerate. He might miss you a little bit, but not enough to want you back for good since you've been playing this back-and-forth game for a little bit. He's testing the waters and wants to keep you on hand if he feels like getting back together in the future. It seems like he is playing games, or is just confused. I would 100% go for lunch, keep it cool, DON'T talk about the past. DON'T bring up your questions. Just see what he wants. Sit there and smile. Don't take the bait. Be pleasant, confident, cool. Don't tell him you miss him. Etc. If you really want him back, you have to pull away. It worked when you had no contact, so follow that lead and make him come to you. If he says he'll text you if he wants to go out, cool, but if he doesn't text you DON'T text him. Just ignore him. Make him set up all the hangouts / dates. Make him do the work because he is totally the one being confusing and you don't need that! Good luck Caitlin Yes, it had been over for some time, and you are right, he didn't know how to talk about it properly. He did try to do his part to fix things but it wasn't working. He just didn't know what to do or say, until it just became too much for him. It is the worst feeling in the world when the one you love is emotionally and physically distant. Excruiatingly painful. I was scrambling to hold on when I should of let go and gave him space. Now I gave him tonnes of space. But its too late, I'm afraid. He doesn't miss me anymore. He has no respect for me, therefore, no attraction for me. We did go for lunch a few weeks ago, and it was clear he just wanted friendship. I couldn't play it cool for long and asked for reconciliation. He said no. So I told him I can't be his friend yet cause I need to get over him first. He was annoyed and said fine. I ignore him and he gets upset. So he wants me to be ok with just being friends and get over him on his terms. So I thought he was a jerk for it, and for his disrespect and pulling away during our relationship and decided to move on and forget about him entirely. But....last night and today I've been crying over him. I miss him terribly and want him back so bad. Now I want to approach him and start a friendship so he can be in my life somehow and with the hopes that maybe one day he'll think of me romantically again. But fear he'll reject friendship now, or it will hurt too much to be his friend. I am so torn. I love the good we had, the good in him. I am so afraid of never finding a man with the same or similar qualities. Or a man I have great chemistry with and incredible attraction to, just as I had with him. I am so Edited November 15, 2013 by beyondcrushed
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