4 weeks

[tgrace]

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my boyfriend told me he wanted to break up. It seems like it's been 4 months. I've read numerous posts on how I'm just supposed to move on and not look back. Am I crazy that it's 4 weeks later, and while I'm actually getting some sleep at night and I'm eating again, I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of when we were together or all the things we did together at this same time last year?

 

I mean, obviously he had no problem moving on when, after two weeks of agreeing he was an a**hole for hurting a wonderful person, he started dating a woman who had just been a "friend" for the past 4 months (however, they knew each other in high school 18 years ago). Should I feel like I'm nuts for still hanging on to this emotion of a breakup after a 15 month relationship when the only reason for the breakup was that, while he loves me, he's not "in love" with me to the extent you would with someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?

 

It's just so friggin' hard!

[qismat]

no, you should not at all feel like you're nuts! its just hard to let go of memories, especially when you're saying there was no real fight. things were good, and it ended that makes it even harder. my last relationship was a 'friends with benefits' (if you can even call that a relationship), but it took me sooo long to really just let go. it happens, its a hard thing to do. its hard to stop thinking about that person, for me it was especially at night, but just have faith that it will pass. knowing that eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel is what will get you through the bad nights that somehow appear even when you're getting stronger... what helped me was thinking of a situation that a friend of mine had been through where a guy she was seeing for years, just stopped calling, and was no longer available for her... she found out he was cheating. i used to think of her strength, and think of the fact that she gathered herself, and got over him,moved on, and never looked back as sort of a reinforcement that you will get through it. it will eventually stop, even though sometimes you think it won't. you'll get to the point where you can think back to the memories, and just accept them as part of your past.

[tgrace]

Thanks so much. This forum is so awesome. Nights are hard and Sundays are especially hard. Once I get up for work tomorrow and start my week again, my strength will be better. And yes, it could be worse. At least I did have ample opportunity to tell him everything I needed to say to him in the days following the breakup. I think it's hard when I was trying to be so careful when starting this relationship to make sure I was in something where I wouldn't get hurt. And, yes, there was no fight, no warning, and now here I am.

 

Thanks for all the support everyone gives on these boards!

[moon]

I'm in the same boat that you are tgrace. Except it's been 8 weeks since we broke up. I am doing pretty good. I can eat fine, I do great during the day, too. Mornings I still feel sad for some reason, especially when his image pops up first thing. I do have trouble sleeping, though. My ex hooked up with a new girl too one week after we broke up. She was already a "friend" too and they live next door to each other (for four weeks before our break up). So their relationship was probably wasn't much when we broke up, but they sure made up for lost time after he and I were dust. Actually I don't even know if they are seeing each other anymore, but I imagine they are.

 

I think it is hard for me to sleep because I imagine him with her and they live right next door to each other.......so you know they are together every night. It almost makes it an instant serious relationship (or a complete nightmare). It would be different if she lived somewhere further away. Then I could imagine them taking breaks or not seeing each other all the time. So anyway, it's double hard for me with this one because of their living situation. I haven't contacted my ex in about seven weeks. I've been real good about it. I called him maybe four times when I heard the news of his new girlfriend (from a third party) and he never even picked up the phone!! I was furious because he tried to make me believe the break up was all my fault (we did conveniently have a lot of fights right before the break up that I guess I started). But anyway, I haven't heard anything from my ex.... Nada, nothing........plus I moved about 500 miles away from him now (the moment or rather a day after I heard---what a big baby I am). But it feels great not living in the same town as him. We had just moved in together. We were together roughly three years, but met actually about four years ago. So you don't feel bad. These types of things happen. It sucks. Don't get yourself too down about it. My only defense to this all is not calling or talking to him. He can only wonder where I am or how I am doing right now. He could e-mail me, but I never even told him exactly where I was going. He does know the number I am at right now, but he hasn't once tried it. So these guys they are just not good. My ex had a lot of problems and I think in the long run I'll be much better and luckier with out him. I mean if somebody isn't "in love" with you anymore and you are married to them.......they might cheat. So you wouldn't want one of those situations. Me neither.

 

Be easy on yourself. I know exactly what you're feeling. It's horrible, the sense of betrayal, but it does start to really diminish over time. You have to really try to see everything for what it is. You have to see your ex for who he really was also. Don't try to glam up your relationship in hind sight.......remember the bad times and how bad it felt when he dumped you cold. Ouch--- I don't want to feel that again, so I won't ever be taking my ex back. I told him when we broke up that he's going straight to hell. Now I said this because he's done some dirty and rotten things to people in his life. My ex had a hard time keeping his word. He was great to me (well pretty good) a lot of the times, but when he was bad he was really bad . It takes too much energy to deal with those types of people. I guess you just have to say good riddance, adios and don't let the door hit you on the way out. Clense the man from your spirit. He's a new woman's problem---amen.

[sandra parker]

Hi everyone!

 

I can so relate to your posts. My ex and I were together for five years. He broke up with me four months ago and hooked up with someone he works with after 2 months. The pain is one I can't even describe, my feelings went from disbelief to rage for justice. But ypu know what? We cannot make these men/women see our points; if we could we would still be together. I was a real pest in the beginning, I tried everything I could to make him see things. I called, wrote letters, stopped by and I wish I hadn't. I have had the opportunity to tell him I regret those actions not because of him but because that is not the type of person I want to be. Our situation is complicated because I have a 16 year old son that is really close to him. They love each other and my ex wants to remain in his life. I have talked to my ex about us, the new girl and the more we talk the more confusing his story gets so I know now that the best thing I can do is to move on with my life and make the necessary changes so that I can be healthy again. Everything I have read has one message in common: Better your self; regain empowerement and the best revenge is to live well. I have crawled from under big rocks before and will do it again. This time the whole breakup cost me my job, my self-esteem; basically me. Also, the books I read said that they connect 'us' to pain and dissapointment and this new person gives them pleasure. Well, she does not know him like I do and once the real work starts we'll see. It is self destructing to keep having those visions of them together, imagining their happiness. The mind is a potent muscle that needs to be exercised and we can re-program our thoughts in order to become more constructive. It is irrelevant that they are with someone else. It is relevant that we pick ourselves back up and move towards goals that makes us happy. I have found that once we accept that we are fiven a chance to start new, we too can be happy. Just think of it this way: we now have another chance of molding our lives to our liking. We might even meet someone sho will cherish us in the ways we so deserve. People pity needy people and unfortunately when we were rejected that is just how we appeared to our ex's. "Insanity is doing thesame things over and over agin expecting different results." Let's nurture ourselves. Obviously, even though we may have been needy, there is something wrong with them too. We cannot change them, but we can change oursleves in order to become better women/men and be happy. This in itself will do wonders for our self-esteem and will show them that we're better than they gave us credit for. I saw my ex on Saturday because of my son; he told me a lot of things and minimized this new girl and their situation to a 't'. He told me that if I knew the truth and the way he felt I would be happy Huh??? Same old confused man, different day. There are many people out there that have their heads together. Those are the ones I want to meet and nurture. We are both in our forties and he is like a teenager trying to find out what is right. Whatever. Be indifferent, be strong! We can become all those things. We can choose to stay stagnent or we can choose to empower ourselves with ammunitation to move on to better things. If they find their way back to us, just think of how much stronger and better wuality person they will encounter. Who knows, we may even know by then that we're better than that. Sorry so long winded....Take care, Sandra

[bebop]

Good posts all.

 

And, four weeks is nuthin', kid. Very short time. Don't expect too much too soon in terms of how well you feel day by day. The old saw about time doing its work is absolutely true.

[tgrace]

Well, here is an update at 4 weeks and 2 days, ha ha He's been in town, staying with the new girlfriend, for 5 days now and he's expected to be in town until the 26th. We're trying to stay at opposite ends of the county so we don't run into each other. He had to give me some things back so we saw each other 4 days ago and it was hell. I think he sensed how upset I was over the whole mess so I haven't heard from him since then. However, long story short, I have some of his mail that I need to give him tomorrow. In order for him to know it was here, I had to call him at the girlfriend's house. That went over well (I'm being sarcastic). Actually, he probably didn't care but she was pretty pissy. But then, hey, I had him first and her existance was part of the issue with the breakup.

 

So, since you all have given wonderful advice so far, how should I handle the meeting tomorrow with him? I'm sure it will be brief but I'd love to hear whether she's driving him crazy yet. I know, foolish, but it's great for my ego.

 

Sandra, I tried to private message you but you have it blocked. I'd love to have a buddy I could work through this with. You seem pretty level headed. Not a biggie if you're not interested. My email is [email protected]