Bringing "the man" to girl talk/hangouts: disrespectful?

[gaius]

Lame, that's the equivalent of saying if a woman has to be successful with men she has to own a room... I don't care.

 

One of the main areas I struggle with women is small talk. I'm capable of it but I'm not the greatest at it, mostly because I find it boaring. Women can yak about anything but I find small talk boaring and it probably shows because I'm the 'wear your heart on your sleeve type'. One NYE I was at a bar sitting on a couch on the patio and a woman came up to me and sat down by me and talked her head off forte last hour until it closed. She was very attractive and I got her number but she lived too far away. I get along with guys better because guys joke around more and I have things in common with them.

I find small talk boring too dude. Even around here I struggle to keep posts going more than 1-2 replies each way, unless we're arguing about something. But I worked out a way to do it when I have to. Even though I prefer not to. Since you have to for women to be interested in you.

 

Women need a different skill set, first and foremost managing her guys ego, which Fondues girlfriend failed miserably at. I don't blame him for not wanting to sleep with her anymore. It's a natural male reaction.

[Tree_Salmon]

Way too much thinking and way too much talking on your part.

 

Stop analyzing things. Learn to be like water, go with whatever flow at the moment in order to feel comfortable.

 

None of the advice I gave was about being someone you're not or making someone else happy. All I'm saying is, this is a situation you may face again and again, regardless of the girl. Learn how to deal with it, become stronger as a result.

 

The fact that you seem to be over thinking this is a clear sign that you have some sort of anxiety about it.

 

You couldn't control the situation and that pissed you off. She had the control that night. You are angry that she did. In my opinion, you have some issues with not being in control.

[scorpiogirl]

Way too much thinking and way too much talking on your part.

 

Stop analyzing things. Learn to be like water, go with whatever flow at the moment in order to feel comfortable.

 

None of the advice I gave was about being someone you're not or making someone else happy. All I'm saying is, this is a situation you may face again and again, regardless of the girl. Learn how to deal with it, become stronger as a result.

 

The fact that you seem to be over thinking this is a clear sign that you have some sort of anxiety about it.

 

You couldn't control the situation and that pissed you off. She had the control that night. You are angry that she did. In my opinion, you have some issues with not being in control.

 

And you're clearly trying to regain control by being an ass to her. Punishing her by being sulky and not communicating. If you're not that interested in her anyway then find someone who will cater to YOUR wants and needs and are happy to put your feelings ahead of their own.

 

In the beginning I kind of understood your point of view with being put in a situation you weren't comfortable in. Now I just think you're a jerk. Yes yes I know you think you're amazing but your posts here make me think otherwise.

[Janesays]

This is a situation where all of our long thoughtful posts are wasted.

 

If OP is determined to self destruct, there's not much we can do besides run for cover.

 

Besides, sometimes people need to suffer some consequences before they can honestly start making some big changes in their life. Maybe a failed relationship and a good amount of loneliness will do the OP good.

[pteromom]

While I appreciate the input from the men here who have gfs and telling me how easily they are able to handle things simply because they "love" them, I cannot relate to you guys. I'm sorry. I am only seeing this women for about 4.5months. I cannot safely say I care "that much" about this woman. I do like her plenty, but if we decide to break up for a stupid reason, I probably wouldn't be too beat up about it.

 

Does she know this? Because honestly, this is more alarming than what she did. After 4 and a half months, you should be feeling more than you are.

 

You say you were less of a "man" because you didn't "take control of the situation", but maybe you are less of a "man" because you are ruled by fear instead of able to be vulnerable and open and actually get to know and love your girlfriend.

 

Not a condemnation - just something for you to think about.

 

People's honesty about the situation is fueling my animosity. This sucks. I feel less of a man now.

Opinions are like... well, you know. Everyone has one. Nobody who has responded on this thread knows you or knows your gf enough to have a full picture of what has happened. We just go by what you are saying, and - the scary part, our own attitudes and experiences - to respond to you.

 

Just make sure when you are aligning with someone, that their attitude isn't just an attitude you agree with, but is an attitude you aspire to.

 

There is nothing to be won in life by viewing every interaction as a competition. If you can get to where you can work WITH your girlfriend to solve problems, you are going to be much happier.

[clia]

I honestly can't believe you are still so upset because you had to eat dinner with your girlfriend and her friends. Don't you think your reaction is a little out of line with what actually occurred? I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

[Shepp]

While I appreciate the input from the men here who have gfs and telling me how easily they are able to handle things simply because they "love" them, I cannot relate to you guys. I'm sorry. I am only seeing this women for about 4.5months. I cannot safely say I care "that much" about this woman. I do like her plenty, but if we decide to break up for a stupid reason, I probably wouldn't be too beat up about it.

 

I think out of everything you've written this is the bit that just tells you everything. If I was you this is what would worry me, not some birthday meal!

[Fondue]

Hi everyone.

 

Wow, I'm surprised my thread is still alive. I appreciate all the responses . Thanks again.

 

Does she know this? Because honestly, this is more alarming than what she did. After 4 and a half months, you should be feeling more than you are.

 

You say you were less of a "man" because you didn't "take control of the situation", but maybe you are less of a "man" because you are ruled by fear instead of able to be vulnerable and open and actually get to know and love your girlfriend.

 

Not a condemnation - just something for you to think about.

 

I think out of everything you've written this is the bit that just tells you everything. If I was you this is what would worry me, not some birthday meal!

 

 

I can't help but wonder why some of you guys are questioning my feelings for this woman. I am under the impression that the relationship I am is still very, very new. I like this girl quite a bit, but it is not like I am head over heels for her. Isn't my level of "likeness" about right, for someone I barely know? What else am I supposed to feel? Why does my reply worry people? Honest question.

 

This is a situation where all of our long thoughtful posts are wasted.

 

If OP is determined to self destruct, there's not much we can do besides run for cover.

 

Besides, sometimes people need to suffer some consequences before they can honestly start making some big changes in their life. Maybe a failed relationship and a good amount of loneliness will do the OP good.

 

No, no, it hasn't. I actually loved the input and took much of it into my consideration of this relationship. I appreciated your point of you and the relations to your own hesitations when meeting families. I thank you for that.

 

I am not self destructing. I'm self analyzing. You see, I've always stayed clear of bf/gf relationships. I never really cared for that... Almost ever. Sex was sex, but relationships never really struck me as necessary. So if I was to be alone, I would really feel indifferent about it. I wouldn't feel lonely or anything. I would feel exactly the way I have prior to this current relationship. It is only in recent history have I tried to grow and "mature," so I am exploring that side of things. Even if if my relationship was to fail, I wouldn't have difficulty finding another woman, or at least another woman to sleep with. I don't have trouble finding that. So I think I'd like to salvage this relationship instead and learn. So I am trying to find what works (and what doesn't) for me. That's exactly why I made this thread, to see people's points of view and to gauge their experiences. Then show my own, and see if I am being relatable.

 

Her and I are leaving Wednesday morning on a spontaneous road trip through a few cities in Canada. I've always thought that if I can tolerate a person for more than a few days, then it is likely a relationship can work. So I'll be gone with her for almost a week. Maybe our relationship can blossom from this-- or maybe it'll end up being a horrible experience and our relationship fails. Either way, it should be interesting.

 

Thanks again for all your input ladies/gents. Fondue highly appreciates it.

[pteromom]

 

I can't help but wonder why some of you guys are questioning my feelings for this woman. I am under the impression that the relationship I am is still very, very new. I like this girl quite a bit, but it is not like I am head over heels for her. Isn't my level of "likeness" about right, for someone I barely know? What else am I supposed to feel? Why does my reply worry people? Honest question.

 

4.5 months isn't someone you barely know though... or it shouldn't be. If you'd been on 3 dates or something, sure. But no, I think 4.5 months in is typically the "head over heels falling in love" phase. Right in the heat of the honeymoon period.

[Fondue]

4.5 months isn't someone you barely know though... or it shouldn't be. If you'd been on 3 dates or something, sure. But no, I think 4.5 months in is typically the "head over heels falling in love" phase. Right in the heat of the honeymoon period.

 

Is it possible that my inexperience in "real" and mature "adult" relationships the reason why I don't feel the same sort of attachment that most other people would feel in this case? Would it make sense that I simply don't know what that "feeling" is?

 

I do fancy this woman. But it's not like I am imagining us getting married, popping out babies, or traveling the world together. At this stage, it's mostly, "yah, she's awesome. I'd like to continue seeing her." If we do happen to break up, I would probably just be down for a couple of days, until I decide to pop on OLD again and start meeting new women.

[KatZee]

Is it possible that my inexperience in "real" and mature "adult" relationships the reason why I don't feel the same sort of attachment that most other people would feel in this case? Would it make sense that I simply don't know what that "feeling" is?

 

No. I don't think your lack of a "real" and "mature adult" relationship is why you don't feel attachments to your girlfriend. You don't need experience in having feelings.

 

Any way that THIS might be the problem? (This is from one of your prior threads, and honestly comes off a bit sociopathic.)

 

 

I am emotionless. Not necessarily "bad" or an "*******," but not a companion.

 

I am a pleasure to be around. I have LEARNED how to be kind, respectful, and an overall "good" person. None of this is genuine, I fake all this. I TELL this to women that may have interest in me.

 

I re-iterrate that this is not true and please don't let me fool them.

 

They get attracted, they start to "like" me, they start to become attached, ask how I feel about them. I tell them again, I do not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything, nor do I want attachment.

 

I told her I wouldn't care regardless and that I don't grow emotions for people as a whole.

[Fondue]

No. I don't think your lack of a "real" and "mature adult" relationship is why you don't feel attachments to your girlfriend. You don't need experience in having feelings.

 

Any way that THIS might be the problem? (This is from one of your prior threads, and honestly comes off a bit sociopathic.)

 

 

I am emotionless. Not necessarily "bad" or an "*******," but not a companion.

 

I am a pleasure to be around. I have LEARNED how to be kind, respectful, and an overall "good" person. None of this is genuine, I fake all this. I TELL this to women that may have interest in me.

 

I re-iterrate that this is not true and please don't let me fool them.

 

They get attracted, they start to "like" me, they start to become attached, ask how I feel about them. I tell them again, I do not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything, nor do I want attachment.

 

I told her I wouldn't care regardless and that I don't grow emotions for people as a whole.

 

This is exactly why I am trying to explore "real" relationships. Because I am that person that you just described. I'd like to actually move past that and grow, see if I am capable of more.

 

Isn't that fair?

[KatZee]

This is exactly why I am trying to explore "real" relationships. Because I am that person that you just described. I'd like to actually move past that and grow, see if I am capable of more.

 

Isn't that fair?

 

Have you ever seen a psychologist or a therapist? Have you ever been diagnosed as being something?

[AMusing]

I don't think your level of attachment a few months into your relationship is inappropriate (but then I tend to move slowly as well). As long as you are honest with your girlfriend, there's nothing wrong with not jumping feet-first into love. It tells me that when (and if) you get there, it's real and more likely to last.

 

That said, reading how you shut her out after her party broke my heart. The silent treatment is unproductive and hugely disrespectful. You are (were?) purposefully causing her emotional pain, making her feel helpless, invisible, and unsure why she's being treated this way. Some relationship counselors consider the silent treatment as borderline abusive; the way it makes your partner feel is really that bad. If you needed to cool down after the party, you owed it to her to tell her directly and explicitly that was what you were doing, and why. Cooling off and then talking to her is one thing; shutting her out is downright nasty.

 

Edit: Whoa, just read the latest few posts. Wow, man, that's heavier stuff than a relationship forum can help you with. Do you love anyone? Your mom, your dog, anything? Your poor girlfriend.

[pteromom]

This is exactly why I am trying to explore "real" relationships. Because I am that person that you just described. I'd like to actually move past that and grow, see if I am capable of more.

 

Isn't that fair?

 

I think that IS fair. And I give you props for realizing that being emotionless isn't a good thing.

 

A good first step is making an attempt to view your girlfriend as a partner... not someone who had the goal of making you uncomfortable. Not someone who is looking to strip you of your manhood.

 

At some point, you have to let go and trust her... or the relationship will never grow.

 

And you have to trust yourself, that you will be OK no matter what happens in your relationship. Because you contradict yourself. You say you wouldn't care and would be ok in a day or two if your relationship ended, but you also say you can't talk to her about this because you are scared. If you don't care if you lose her or not, then what are you scared of? You need to explore that.

[ScreamingTrees]

I sort of identify with OP. I too have questioned the extent to which I experience emotions. I don't think I'm completely emotionless, but I question what emotional states I do have, and wonder if they're nearly as extensive as your average male. But I don't believe I was always like that, I believe that something must have occurred that has left me somehow traumatized where my emotions have nearly flat lined.. Perhaps I should talk to a specialist about that. I'm probably going back to one soon.

 

Anyways, I do think that one has to be making assumptions, to say that the OP doesn't consider his girlfriend's friends as people to be treated with respect..

 

The girls obviously didn't talk about anything that the OP could relate to, or else he would've joined in. Perhaps this doesn't mean that the OP cannot engage every female in conversation, but simply this particular group? Of course, you'd have to suspect how his partner is so friendly with them, and what he has in common with her. Now, OP COULD have been overreacting and it was a self fulfilled prophetic sort of thing.

[heartshaped]

No. I don't think your lack of a "real" and "mature adult" relationship is why you don't feel attachments to your girlfriend. You don't need experience in having feelings.

 

Any way that THIS might be the problem? (This is from one of your prior threads, and honestly comes off a bit sociopathic.)

 

 

I am emotionless. Not necessarily "bad" or an "*******," but not a companion.

 

I am a pleasure to be around. I have LEARNED how to be kind, respectful, and an overall "good" person. None of this is genuine, I fake all this. I TELL this to women that may have interest in me.

 

I re-iterrate that this is not true and please don't let me fool them.

 

They get attracted, they start to "like" me, they start to become attached, ask how I feel about them. I tell them again, I do not feel anything. I don't want to feel anything, nor do I want attachment.

 

I told her I wouldn't care regardless and that I don't grow emotions for people as a whole.

 

I think if anything the OP is just being a little dramatic in the above. He's obviously not emotionless as reasoned by this thread and his feelings of anger, awkwardness, etc. at the situation.

 

He also has shown attachment to this woman just by his mere willingness to work things out. He may not be as attached at this point as some people, but then I find everyone's relationships and emotions move at different speeds.

[ScreamingTrees]

I think if anything the OP is just being a little dramatic in the above. He's obviously not emotionless as reasoned by this thread and his feelings of anger, awkwardness, etc. at the situation.

 

He also has shown attachment to this woman just by his mere willingness to work things out. He may not be as attached at this point as some people, but then I find everyone's relationships and emotions move at different speeds.

 

Well, I consider myself very unemotional, and I still experience anxiety to varying degrees and sometimes slight anger, but the feeling of anger could just be what I identify as anxiety, tension. I just don't really ever feel particularly "happy" where I'm actually expressive of it or feel different internally than if I was just neutral.

[Els]

I think your level of investment in this R is rather odd (most people who have been together 4.5 months with someone they were truly attracted to would not be 'meh' about a potential breakup, IMO), but it isn't necessarily wrong. Different people are different, you should do what works for you, as long as you aren't misleading her and saying stuff that you don't mean.

 

That being said, IMO you should also examine why this event made you so very angry for so very long. That is very concerning and not entirely normal. Do you usually get such strong reactions to things people do, that others might just shrug off?

[Shepp]

4.5 months isn't someone you barely know though... or it shouldn't be. If you'd been on 3 dates or something, sure. But no, I think 4.5 months in is typically the "head over heels falling in love" phase. Right in the heat of the honeymoon period.

 

Gee you genuinely took the words straight out of my mouth! I was about to write just this!

 

 

Give or take 4.5months is generally 'i love her, she's perfect' territory, not someone you barely know.

 

Any longer is moving towards someone you know inside out and have been with for a year or something, that's a different kind of love, your more into 'I love her, but I sure wish she wouldn't mess up the car radio stations'!

 

 

I don't really think there's owt I can say about that, I love hard so I just, I wouldn't know what to say.

Does your gf know your that meh about her thou? A one sided relationship isn't cool!