Bringing "the man" to girl talk/hangouts: disrespectful?

[KatZee]

OP doesn't seem to really want to hear what we have to say. All he wants is his fellow bandwagon males to come on here and agree with him and to validate his feelings and actions.

 

At this point I really don't think it matters what we say. It doesn't matter that he was childish during her dinner, it doesn't matter that he's childish after the fact. He wants to hear he's right and she's in the wrong. Plain and simple.

[gaius]

The fact that I am berated for this makes me question if people are giving me honest advice, or simply love to hate. This goes for both men and women, regardless of gender.

I think the ladies are just trying to tell you something in the way women sometimes tell you. That you probably should have just have figured out a way to get through the dinner and tried to be charming. I don't know too many women who will let you get away with never being around their friends, it's just a skill you need to develop in life, and they can find it very erotic and intoxicating if you successfully master it. Not to mention an enormous turn off if you don't.

 

You do have every right to be annoyed she lied to you though. Which she did, who doesn't know the female friends aren't bringing their boyfriends? You NEED to know that stuff just to make sure wherever you're going, whatever you're doing has enough room/food whatever for the amount of people that are going to show up.

[youaremysunshine]

Who organizes their own birthday party?!

[gaius]

Who organizes their own birthday party?!

Plenty of people who like control over things. Including Fondue's girlfriend apparently.

This Sunday was my gf's birthday and she setup a meal with herself and her friends.

[Els]

You pretty much understand how I feel. I think I have been more than accommodating to this woman. And I have been for the longest time. Being disrespected cuts all that into pieces. I am now collecting myself and my pride.

 

Going to a dinner with your girlfriend of four months and her friends cuts everything into pieces and you have to collect yourself and your pride from such a grievous hit? Come on, now...

 

The fact that I am berated for this makes me question if people are giving me honest advice, or simply love to hate. This goes for both men and women, regardless of gender.

 

For the record, several of us merely answered your question and did not berate you. Personally, I only started 'berating' at this post.

 

But really, it's your life to live. If you want to break up with your gf over it, it's your call. I don't see much loss on her side, to be honest.

[Fufu]

Oh wow, 6 pages, anyway I didn't read all the postings.

 

To OP:

 

Why don't you want to have a talk with your gf?

 

 

I believe for your gf, it means a lot to her that you and her good friends are present to celebrate her birthday. Yes her good friends' bfs didn't turn up and some people are saying she lied to get you there, some said perhaps something happened and the bfs couldn't turn up. But the fact is have you ever asked her and tell her your feelings?

 

If you sincerely feel that this is the girl that you can see being with, then both of you need to communicate and not sweep the issue under the carpet. If you are unhappy, let her know that it affects you badly and also find out from her side of story of what actually happened.

 

I'm not gonna ask you to work on getting use to being the only guy surrounded by girls. My only suggestion is that if this girl is who you want to date seriously, then you seriously need to open up and let her know how you feel, 2 way communication.

[Fufu]

Who organizes their own birthday party?!

 

Why not? There are plenty of people out there who organize their own birthday party.

[phineas]

Regardless of whether he is 'right' or 'wrong' in this case, 'going dark' on someone and basically asking them to read your mind as to why instead of just sitting down like an GROWN ADULT MAN and having a mature conversation about the matter is childish. Period.

 

And men please STOP just making this into a gender war. IT IS NOT. In fact, just recently in another thread a woman got mad at her boyfriend and started pulling away wanting him to figure out why she was mad instead of having a mature conversation AND I REAMED HER JUST THE SAME. I didn't even give her a break about because she's a high school teenager, let alone a female.

 

Seriously. Pull my posting history. I'm USUALLY harsher with the females than I am with the men.

 

I have no bias here. And I don't 'love to hate' things as the OP suggested. (Which, by the way, really hurt my feelings as I've been trying to HELP you save an otherwise great relationship and I even shared personal stuff about myself and REPEATEDLY said I understand and have been there....but yeah...KEENLY, who calls the person you care about a 'disrespectful, selfish, liar' is the one who is looking out for you! Shame!)

 

Listen, I just hate to see THIS as the hill Fondue chooses to die on. I mean, with all the people here who STRUGGLE to find a special someone that makes them HAPPY, FONDUE HAS THAT, and you guys want him all to throw that away just to prove some little point and earn some 'man cred?'

 

Sorry, but I'd rather see the OP stay with the girl that he cares about, experience love, experience a close human connection. You know, the WONDERFUL parts of life?!?!

 

Yeah. This thread is getting real messed up.

 

Holy fricken book batman.

Did I say you were biased?

Issue much?

 

Tell me please What is so special so special about a person that purposefully puts you in situations that they know you are uncomfortable with?

[phineas]

OP doesn't seem to really want to hear what we have to say. All he wants is his fellow bandwagon males to come on here and agree with him and to validate his feelings and actions.

 

At this point I really don't think it matters what we say. It doesn't matter that he was childish during her dinner, it doesn't matter that he's childish after the fact. He wants to hear he's right and she's in the wrong. Plain and simple.

 

Pot meet kettle.

Have you really said anything different from the majority of women here? LOL!

 

 

You seem to think it's ok for people to put others in situations they know will make them uncomfortable.

[KatZee]

Genders reversed, this topic would have completely different responses.

End of discussion.

 

Again with the gender war.

 

NO the topic would NOT have completely different responses. I find it hilarious the amount of guys on their own women hating, man loving crusade.

 

Alll us big bad women liars with skewed responses.

 

You seem to have missed the posts that have stated some of the women posters on here ripping new a.ssholes into girls who behave this exact same way.

 

IT'S NOT A GENDER THING. It's a RESPECT thing. It's A COMPROMISE THING.

 

The fact that he couldn't suck up a two hour dinner, FOR HER DAMN BIRTHDAY, and is now claiming he's so "cut up into pieces and collecting his pride" :confused::confused::confused:

 

Are we actually serious here?? If this were a female speaking I'd say this exact same thing.

 

GROW UP. You're immature and now being completely irrational and completely blowing the whole thing out of proportion and being a drama queen.

 

First of all, the only person you can control is yourself. And if you're "so incredible and so on point" and everything else you claim and brag about yourself, then you should be able to handle yourself in any situation. Your girlfriend did not FORCE you to behave the way you did. YOU behaved that way. You could have taken one for the team, been engaging and happy to spend her birthday with her.

 

Guess what?? You had PRIME OPPORTUNITY to get her friends to LOVE YOU. You had them all to yourself, you could have had conversations one on one with some of them. I don't care if you think it's not important. For the majority of women, it IS VERY important and it's just something you're going to need to wrap your thick skull around and just ACCEPT IT.

 

Either accept the fact you'll have to make more of an effort around her friends, or accept the fact that you'll NEVER put forth effort and will most likely tank the relationship behaving the way you do.

[Mascara]

OP, I think you SHOULD address this, not because I think you're wrong for feeling like this but because we all have to do things we don't want to do in a relationship sometimes. Your girlfriends desire to have you there as well as her friends is not a lesser (or greater) desire than yours to not be there. In just the same way that I will sit with a boyfriends buddies while they watch a game because he wants me there, or I'll go to a work event and be bored out of my brain, but it's fine because it's just one evening.

 

And don't listen to the male brigade who don't actually like the company of women very much. I don't even reply to them, but if you must take everything they say with a huge pinch of salt.

 

Good luck - remember, compromise from both of you. Going dark is not compromise.

[Janesays]

Pot meet kettle.

Have you really said anything different from the majority of women here? LOL!

 

 

You seem to think it's ok for people to put others in situations they know will make them uncomfortable.

 

A good amount of men have ALSO said that OP is overreacting. But hey, let's just ignore them, insult them, or accuse them secretly being women themselves.

 

Because that's how grown, rational adults discuss a subject, right?

[serial muse]

Going to a dinner with your girlfriend of four months and her friends cuts everything into pieces and you have to collect yourself and your pride from such a grievous hit? Come on, now...

 

Exactly. Despite the attempts to lump everyone into one category, people have had differently nuanced responses to the OP's situation. I, for example, did validate his feelings and agree that you can't control them.

 

That said, as Els posted earlier, is this really the hill you want to die on, Fondue? You yourself said that everything else is GREAT with her. Why in the he!! you would want to distort your relationship over it is truthfully beyond me. Score one for drama over level-headedness, I guess. The thing that older people, who have been around the block and had more experience in dealing with relationships, are advising you to do is Talk. To. Her. Men and women both are advising you to do this. It is the younger posters (yes, male, in this case) with an axe to grind who are telling you to take a stand, man, don't let her get push you around. As if that's what she's doing. Seriously? This is some Pat Benatar shxt. Love does not have to be a battlefield.

 

She did this one thing, and frankly I don't see evidence of whether or not she really understood your anxiety about being in these situations (saying "I don't like hanging out only with all women, it's boring" is VERY different from confessing "it makes me very anxious to be around all women, please don't put me in that situation". That is why I have encouraged, and continue to encourage, you to actually have a conversation with her. She has NOT shown a pattern of disrespect, by your own admission, yet some posters would encourage you to start one. Treating her with distance, masturbating so as not to feel sexually attracted to her on a date, being somewhat cold and reserved - these are passive-aggressive, immature behaviors, and they are not what I would encourage ANY man or woman to do who wants a successful relationship.

[Valen]

lol Should have brought one of you male buddy to the party. I got trapped into one of those all female gathering before, yup it's pretty darn uncomfortable. So I learn to bring a buddy next time if there is a possibility all girls will be there.

[Shepp]

Tell me please What is so special so special about a person that purposefully puts you in situations that they know you are uncomfortable with?

 

I feel like we're losing perspective - she didn't ask him to sacrifice his right arm to Neptune....she asked her boyfriend to sit next to her at dinner and smile.

 

There's certain things that just come with the job description of 'boyfriend'.

 

That's like a footballer being 'uncomfortable' playing in the rain an hence, not doing. You can feel uncomfortable all you want but you put your head down.

Theres the saying 'take one for the team' for a reason.

 

And im a bloke so im far from man-hating or any of the other BS

[Babolat]

What is wrong with you people. There is no right and wrong when it comes to FEELINGS. You can not control what you feel, only how you react to it.

 

 

I can not even process how people call YOU selfish OP, when you did everything right. You expressed concerns multiple times even though they were ignored. You went anyway even though you knew you would hate it. You stayed even when you wanted to leave. And then you told a bunch of strangers about your feelings, and you were instantly labeled as selfish.

 

 

 

It boggles the mind. Take heart in knowing this forum is a very very small percentage of the women that are out there, and not all of them will react so illogically to your thoughts and feelings.

 

Man here....

 

None of us are saying he cannot feel, or have feelings, or be upset, feel hurt or have the reaction he did.

 

What I am saying, and I think some of the others are saying, is he is shutting down, going cold, not talking about this with his gf. He can be the best man ever, the best bf ever, that is a very controlling behavior though. And, rather than try to see the good in a what to him, was a bad, anxious situation, he chose to put it back on his gf. That is not a partnership, that is not compromising, that is not acceptance. It's one sided, controlling behavior.

 

HE is not ready for a LTR, period.

[Tree_Salmon]

Before all this gender madness gets underway let me give my opinion...

 

I think there may be something with the way the OP and his girlfriend communicate.

 

Usually, when someone knows your personality, they gauge your reaction to things. If she had known you'd get annoyed enough to start a post on the web about it, then maybe she would have tried harder to accommodate. Or maybe she assumed that you'd have fun no matter what, since she was there (and you like her) and she has fun with her group.

 

Maybe it was a bad assumption on her part but I think you (OP) missed a golden opportunity here.

 

First off, you do have some kind of issue if you feel so strongly about being in a crowd of women. You need to figure out where this anxiety comes from and deal with it.

 

Second, you could have used this as a great way to show off how cool of a guy you are. I for one hate mopey, douchey guys who show up and bring the group dynamic down. I'm in no way calling you a douche, but i can see how the other people there might have thought you were.

 

This could have been your chance to be charismatic and cool and get a few of her friends to even envy her. Social proof can do wonders for your love life...and also your sex life.

 

You could have spun the conversation to any way you wanted if you asserted yourself properly, and i bet your girlfriend would have really been impressed by how much of a man you were by the end of the night. You'd probably get some prime love making as a result.

 

I see situations with groups of women as great opportunities to be confident and strong.

 

I think you going into this with a negative expectation created a negative bubble around you. It probably did make you look like a baby or whatever you didn't want to look like.

 

Third, i see many comments here from dudes about what is "acceptable for men and women", bla bla. Yeah i know this generation is weird, and there are sh**ty people on both genders more than ever. But if were going to talk about a "real man" then you should act like one. And i dont mean being the woman's bit*h either.

 

A real guy takes control of a situation he doesn't like and he changes it. Or he removes himself from it. If you don't like the "girl" conversation, then jump in and change it. Don't sit there pouting.

 

And don't even start telling me i don't know what i'm talking about. I am THE man. So i don't want to hear any sh*t about how "your opinion doesn't matter because your a guy in a woman's world"

 

One last thing... why in the f**k are you dating a girl if you cant stand her or her friends in a social atmosphere?

 

Chances are you're going to see lots of this in the future. If you don't like her conversational skills now, you're in for a sh**load of crappy group dates and birthdays.

 

I don't want to say anything stupid like "man up" cause i know some dumba**es will take it as their cue to jump on the bandwagon but seriously, if sh*t bothers you, change it or get out.

 

my two cents.

[camillalev]

Being disrespected cuts all that into pieces. I am now collecting myself and my pride.

 

 

I'm sorry but this is just :lmao: You're now collecting yourself and your pride because you felt awkward during dinner? Go over to the cheating threads, there are SO MANY worse things that can go down. People who she thought were going to show, didnt. Trust me no matter how many times you 'confirm' with someone they can still flake out on you. I know how you feel, Ive been there, hanging out with my bf and all guys while they had their boy talk. It was awkward at one point but I got over it. I doubt your girl was conjuring an evil plot for you to feel uncomfortable at her birthday dinner - if people dont show up, what the heck is she going to do?! Be a dinner nazi? Stop the entire dinner and demand to know where the guys are?

 

You are really, really hanging on to something that she did not even intend to happen.

Edited October 31, 2013 by camillalev

[camillalev]

Maybe it was a bad assumption on her part but I think you (OP) missed a golden opportunity here.

 

you could have used this as a great way to show off how cool of a guy you are.

This could have been your chance to be charismatic and cool and get a few of her friends to even envy her. Social proof can do wonders for your love life...and also your sex life.

 

You could have spun the conversation to any way you wanted if you asserted yourself properly, and i bet your girlfriend would have really been impressed by how much of a man you were by the end of the night. You'd probably get some prime love making as a result.

 

I think you going into this with a negative expectation created a negative bubble around you. It probably did make you look like a baby or whatever you didn't want to look like.

 

I agree with this guy. You could have really spun the situation. I doubt this will be the last time you end up with your girlfriend and her friends. I mean, friends are an important part of life in general.

 

Why not talk about breaking bad, portlandia, traveling, your crazy uncle, miley cyrus and her ridiculousness, the newest cut dog vid on youtube, sci fi, books, game of thrones, history, anything really?

 

You need to talk to your gf. Usually if im with my boyfriend and friends(my friends are almost always mixed genders though) we will usually have a spot in our conversation about people we know, but I/we make an effort to explain the ridiculousness of the person/situation, to include the odd-one-out. Then they usually laugh with us or give us their opinion, and generally are included. If thats not happening we talk about regular things that everyone can participate in.

 

I get it, feeling awkward sucks. But communication is key, consider talking about it instead of simmering and going over and over the details of the night.

Edited October 31, 2013 by camillalev

[lollipopspot]

Thirdly, I am definitely not clingy. This is in reference to youaremysunshine's assumption that I am. I the opposite of this. I prefer to keep communication to a minimum, not hang out for multiple days in a row, and even spending the night together isn't an often done thing. Also, I definitely do not hold onto my woman like a status symbol of some sort. She is always the one to cling onto me. I usually keep my hands in my pockets, she grabs them or grabs me. In this particular dinner situation, I sat across from her. So I was definitely not going to grab her in anyway. I believe she attempted to touch my foot with hers a few times, but I deliberately moved them away. She sat next to me then after when a spot at the table opened up and started to hold onto me. So like I said, I definitely do not cling onto anything.

 

I could have pulled this quote, or another one you've talked about in this thread about freezing her out when you're pissed/uncomfortable, to illustrate a big problem I see in the way you've dealt with this.

 

I understand feeling uncomfortable in certain situations. I especially relate to the person who talked about feeling uncomfortable in family settings. But I've gone ahead and done that anyway with various partners, because I've always wanted to push myself to get past my social fears. Mostly it has worked.

 

What I don't get is freezing your partner out, and even when they're trying to connect with you - like trying to touch your foot with hers - you remain sulky and angry and self-isolated. The type of behavior you've described in this thread, for any length of time beyond about half an hour, and with any regularity, would probably be a deal breaker for me. It just seems childish.

 

It seems like this is part of your self image - "I'm not clingy! She clings to ME!" It's like you're not seeing yourself in a partnership, but want to hold your partner at arm's distance, with a kind of threat that you will withdraw. I get the sense that the more withdrawn you are, the more you withhold from her, is about your sense of control.

Edited October 31, 2013 by lollipopspot

[Shepp]

I think there may be something with the way the OP and his girlfriend communicate.

 

Usually, when someone knows your personality, they gauge your reaction to things. If she had known you'd get annoyed enough to start a post on the web about it, then maybe she would have tried harder to accommodate. Or maybe she assumed that you'd have fun no matter what, since she was there (and you like her) and she has fun with her group.

 

Maybe it was a bad assumption on her part but I think you (OP) missed a golden opportunity here...

This could have been your chance to be charismatic and cool and get a few of her friends to even envy her.

 

Agree 100%

 

Its like, im very impatient - nothing annoys me like a long traffic jam. But you know what, when im stuck in a traffic jam with my girl it aint that bad. Itd still rather not be!! obviously!! But when she's chatting to me from the passenger seat theres a hell of a lot of worse places to be.

[Shepp]

So I was definitely not going to grab her in anyway. I believe she attempted to touch my foot with hers a few times, but I deliberately moved them away.

 

Why?

Shes your gf right? Why would you pull away from her?

I love putting my arm around my gf when we're out - just because I can, because shes my gf, and im proud of that - and I want her to know that!!

 

Plus you say you felt uncomfortable, had nothing in common with anyone, odd man out, and theres your gf - the I assume you love, think is beautiful and love spending time with, making what id read as a gesture to help you out with that and you basically reject it?

 

This whole thing just confuses me tbh

[phineas]

A good amount of men have ALSO said that OP is overreacting. But hey, let's just ignore them, insult them, or accuse them secretly being women themselves.

 

Because that's how grown, rational adults discuss a subject, right?

 

And a few women agree with me also so congrats on making a pointless argument.

 

You do realize you are showing passive aggressive tendencies & hypocrisy yourself by accusing me of mocking others then turning around and attempting to mock me yourself don't you?

 

I mean hey mock away, I can take & won't get butt-hurt like you are getting over someone disagreeing with you.

 

Just don't try to pretend you are above it all after you do it because that's really kinda lame.

[phineas]

I feel like we're losing perspective - she didn't ask him to sacrifice his right arm to Neptune....she asked her boyfriend to sit next to her at dinner and smile.

 

There's certain things that just come with the job description of 'boyfriend'.

 

That's like a footballer being 'uncomfortable' playing in the rain an hence, not doing. You can feel uncomfortable all you want but you put your head down.

Theres the saying 'take one for the team' for a reason.

 

And im a bloke so im far from man-hating or any of the other BS

 

Poor analogy.

Coach doesn't lie to a football player or trick him into playing in the rain.

Not unless he keeps him totally in the dark about what is going to happen.

You know, like OP's GF did.

[Janesays]

And a few women agree with me also so congrats on making a pointless argument.

 

You do realize you are showing passive aggressive tendencies & hypocrisy.[/QUOTe]

 

I don't think those words mean what you think they mean. A dictionary is your friend.

 

Either way, I am not going to hijack this thread with this irrational nonsense. So how about we refrain from arguing and name calling and get back to the point of this thread (and following the forum rules) and helping the OP?

 

OP, have you thought at all about our advice to talk to your girl about how you're feeling?