Bringing "the man" to girl talk/hangouts: disrespectful?

[StarsOnFire]

Honestly I feel like you didn't even give the situation a chance. You didn't use it as an opportunity to get to know her friends, you could've lead the convo to getting to know them, and finding out fun stories about your girlfriend and whatnot. What if their boyfriends did come and were duds and had no personality? Would you still have shined as much as you think you do if there's a guy in the crowd who just sat in the corner and said nothing? I guess I really don't understand how you had no idea how to act in a (probably one off) situation where you're around like what, 5 women?

 

I think you're overreacting. You keep saying she blew you off with responding if there would be guys, but then say she did tell you friends boyfriends were invited. So, as far as she knew, they were coming. She didn't do anything on purpose except want to be around you on her birthday. If this is your relationship issue, feel blessed.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Just because its her birthday doesn't mean she gets to be selfish and inconsiderate.

 

 

Stop using the birthday as an excuse, if you truly care about some one you would not ask them to do something they clearly are not interested in. Its selfish.

 

Who cares if its her birthday, the me me me attitude is childish.

 

Okay, its a the guys birthday. He wants to go to a strip club. His girlfriend is devoutly religious. He wants her to come. She doesn't want to come. He makes her go anyway and she is uncomfortable the entire time, and eventually she leaves halfway through and goes home alone. Tell me who the selfish one is in my example.

 

Give me a break. She asked him to hang out with her and her friends, not go to a chippendale show.

 

OP, while I understand your discomfort, I do think you're overreacting. If this were to become a recurrent issue, I think it's something that would be disconcerting. But given that it seems to be a one-off, on her birthday nonetheless, I'd let it slide.

[Keenly]

Give me a break. She asked him to hang out with her and her friends, not go to a chippendale show.

 

OP, while I understand your discomfort, I do think you're overreacting. If this were to become a recurrent issue, I think it's something that would be disconcerting. But given that it seems to be a one-off, on her birthday nonetheless, I'd let it slide.

 

So far the recurring theme is if its a man, his feelings don't matter, and he needs to get over it.

 

What happened to paying attention to your partner instead of focusing on yourself. Cop out answer by the way, as in both situations, the real and the hypothetical, both are uncomfortable.

 

Ladies, its OKAY to have different things. It;s OKAY to have guys outings and girls outings and not intermingle. You don't have to be around eachother ALL the time.

 

She should have been considerate about his feelings, offered a compromise different day or earlier in the day outing that they could BOTH enjoy, and then she should have hung out with her friends.

 

I honestly can't believe the women of this board are so quick to invalidate a man's feelings. If a woman told me that being around 5 of my friends alone made her uncomfortable, my reaction sure as hell would not be "get over it"

[kiss_andmakeup]

So far the recurring theme is if its a man, his feelings don't matter, and he needs to get over it.

 

What happened to paying attention to your partner instead of focusing on yourself. Cop out answer by the way, as in both situations, the real and the hypothetical, both are uncomfortable.

 

Ladies, its OKAY to have different things. It;s OKAY to have guys outings and girls outings and not intermingle. You don't have to be around eachother ALL the time.

 

She should have been considerate about his feelings, offered a compromise different day or earlier in the day outing that they could BOTH enjoy, and then she should have hung out with her friends.

 

I honestly can't believe the women of this board are so quick to invalidate a man's feelings. If a woman told me that being around 5 of my friends alone made her uncomfortable, my reaction sure as hell would not be "get over it"

 

I'd say the exact same thing if the OP was a woman and the situation were reversed. The only one turning this into a gender issue is...well...you.

 

You're welcome to share your opinion, and if yours is that the OP's girlfriend was in the wrong, then great. That's your view and you're entitled to it and encouraged to share it. But why can't you just stop at "I think OP is in the right to be upset and his GF messed up"? Why do you have to throw in the gender slant? You do realize that this ends up completely thread-jacking the entire discussion away from the OP's personal scenario, right? It just devolves into the same old fire-fight of men vs. women; the OP's actual question becomes long forgotten, and on page 18 William comes and closes the thread. Fun times had by all.

 

Of course, I should have seen the gender war brewing as soon as your avi popped up, so I've said my peace and will now exit stage left.

[serial muse]

So far the recurring theme is if its a man, his feelings don't matter, and he needs to get over it.

 

What happened to paying attention to your partner instead of focusing on yourself. Cop out answer by the way, as in both situations, the real and the hypothetical, both are uncomfortable.

 

Ladies, its OKAY to have different things. It;s OKAY to have guys outings and girls outings and not intermingle. You don't have to be around eachother ALL the time.

 

She should have been considerate about his feelings, offered a compromise different day or earlier in the day outing that they could BOTH enjoy, and then she should have hung out with her friends.

 

I honestly can't believe the women of this board are so quick to invalidate a man's feelings. If a woman told me that being around 5 of my friends alone made her uncomfortable, my reaction sure as hell would not be "get over it"

 

Jesus H. Christ, keenly, enough already. I've seen plenty of posts from you that dismiss the woman's feelings/needs as her "insecurity" - your reaction is ALWAYS that she needs to get over it (porn, needing more time together, having hurt feelings about WHATEVER, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum). So just give it a rest for the love of all that's holy. You get knee-jerk angry ANY TIME you feel the man is getting blamed, WE KNOW (it's possible that SOMETIMES it's his fault! crazy), but you are NOT neutral about this.

 

Topic: I think it was pretty thoughtless of the OP's girlfriend not to double-check that there would be other guys there, when he expressly asked her to several times. I don't know why she wasn't clued in to how important this is to him, but clearly, it's very important to him. So I hope she gets it now, after they've had a calm, mature talk about it. [[OP: You guys have done that, right?]]

 

And so now that she knows how much it matters, that she never ever does that again for as long as they both shall date. And I hope that if she assures him of that, he will be able to let it go, because in the grand scheme of things it is not that big of a deal, IMO, because people perceive things differently and they haven't been dating that long and it takes a while to understand when something is a THING for someone else, if it isn't for you. If there was a pattern of her dismissing his feelings, then that would be one thing. But this is a MISUNDERSTANDING. Adults can let these things go without creating World War 3 over it.

Edited October 29, 2013 by serial muse

[KatZee]

^^ seriously!!! lmao. I find it incredible that people are calling his girlfriend disrespectful for not "double checking" for him that there would be other guys. It's not as if she lies to him on a regular basis dragging him around to get manicures and pedicures with her group of friends.

 

It was her birthday and it's not her job to coddle her boyfriend and basically make EVERYTHING all about him. Be a grownup. Acknowledge your own issues and don't blame her for your own short comings, as already mentioned.

 

The day WASN'T ABOUT YOU. And you managed to make it all about you by putting on your little display of insecurity and social awkwardness.

 

I had a boyfriend that behaved like you and it was so horrible even going out with him because he would sit there and look as if his entire family was just slaughtered. Eventually, I just didn't even bring him around my friends anymore because they had such a bad impression of him and I was embarrassed even bringing him out.

 

I would sympathize with you if this was an every day thing, or a very regular occurrence. It's not. Time to put the big boy panties on.

[heartshaped]

I agree with serial muse, but I do want to interject something.

 

OP, how many of her girlfriends were present at the dinner?

 

I've noticed some posters commenting that often when you invite someone somewhere to a dinner, party, etc. the person may say that he/she will intend, but do not which I think is valid. However, if this was a fair sized group of her girlfriends (4-5 women) and none of them brought their boyfriends then I'd say that's because your girlfriend did not invite their boyfriends or worded her invitation to her girlfriends in a way that did not signify to them that their boyfriends were included. I just don't see all of the boyfriends being invited, but none of them attending.

 

Though I think your feelings are valid, in the overall scheme of things this is a minor issue and something to be gotten over.

[Keenly]

Jesus H. Christ, keenly, enough already. I've seen plenty of posts from you that dismiss the woman's feelings/needs as her "insecurity" - your reaction is ALWAYS that she needs to get over it (porn, needing more time together, having hurt feelings about WHATEVER, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum). So just give it a rest for the love of all that's holy. You get knee-jerk angry ANY TIME you feel the man is getting blamed, WE KNOW (it's possible that SOMETIMES it's his fault! crazy), but you are NOT neutral about this.

 

Topic: I think it was pretty thoughtless of the OP's girlfriend not to double-check that there would be other guys there, when he expressly asked her to several times. I don't know why she wasn't clued in to how important this is to him, but clearly, it's very important to him. So I hope she gets it now, after they've had a calm, mature talk about it. [[OP: You guys have done that, right?]]

 

And so now that she knows how much it matters, that she never ever does that again for as long as they both shall date. And I hope that if she assures him of that, he will be able to let it go, because in the grand scheme of things it is not that big of a deal, IMO, because people perceive things differently and they haven't been dating that long and it takes a while to understand when something is a THING for someone else, if it isn't for you. If there was a pattern of her dismissing his feelings, then that would be one thing. But this is a MISUNDERSTANDING. Adults can let these things go without creating World War 3 over it.

 

 

I'm not going to give it a rest. Sorry.

 

This is absolute hypocrisy is what is. Did you notice the people calling the OP selfish, EVEN THOUGH HE WENT AND SAT THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. They are calling him selfish for FEELING uncomfortable. Its ridiculous.

 

 

People REALLY wonder where all the mens testicles have gone? When you can call a man selfish for feeling uncomfortable, even though he went anyway, its ridiculous.

 

My opinions on other topics are actually irrelevant when it comes to this topic, and my opinion would be the exact same had the sexes be reversed. I don't know why you people think you are entitled to make your SO go into situations they don't want to and are uncomfortable with just because "its my birthday."

 

Me me me, I I I is what the ladies are saying. Who cares about his feelings right? He will go and LIKE it, or else he is selfish because how DARE HE BE COMFORTABLE ON MY BIRTHDAY!

 

 

OP, don't change who you are to please other people. Ignore the people calling you selfish for daring to have feelings. Keep being YOU, and who cares what a bunch of people on the internet think. If you go the direction they are advocating, you will turn into a door mat. No person should ask their spouse or significant other to do things they KNOW make them uncomfortable, and especially not lie to them to get them to do it.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Keenly

[serial muse]

I'm not going to give it a rest. Sorry.

 

This is absolute hypocrisy is what is. Did you notice the people calling the OP selfish, EVEN THOUGH HE WENT AND SAT THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. They are calling him selfish for FEELING uncomfortable. Its ridiculous.

 

 

People REALLY wonder where all the mens testicles have gone? When you can call a man selfish for feeling uncomfortable, even though he went anyway, its ridiculous.

 

My opinions on other topics are actually irrelevant when it comes to this topic, and my opinion would be the exact same had the sexes be reversed. I don't know why you people think you are entitled to make your SO go into situations they don't want to and are uncomfortable with just because "its my birthday."

Me me me, I I I is what the ladies are saying. Who cares about his feelings right? He will go and LIKE it, or else he is selfish because how DARE HE BE COMFORTABLE ON MY BIRTHDAY!

 

 

OP, don't change who you are to please other people. Ignore the people calling you selfish for daring to have feelings. Keep being YOU, and who cares what a bunch of people on the internet think. If you go the direction they are advocating, you will turn into a door mat. No person should ask their spouse or significant other to do things they KNOW make them uncomfortable, and especially not lie to them to get them to do it.

 

Hi! Re: the bolded: Well! That's delightful, because that's not what *I* said. But it's fun to write "you people" and lump everyone together - just vague enough to encompass all women in this thread, eh? I believe you said so in a previous post. My bad; you're totally being neutral.

 

(I certainly think that if the genders were reversed you would NOT take this stance, BTW. Certainly nothing in any of your previous posting history suggests it.)

 

Fine, feel free to go on the same damn rant every time someone implies that a person with an XY chromosome might want to take a second look at his own actions. I will add, though, that if you think that same old same old rant is good enough to recycle here, then your opinions on those other posts certainly seem relevant. Personally, I'd say you're being destructive.

 

OP: Have a calm talk with your SO about why this matters to you. You like her and you said she's not a repeat offender. Please don't get riled up by someone who's got a personal agenda and distort a relationship because of it. You're the one in a good relationship here with someone you generally feel cared for by; perspective matters.

Edited October 29, 2013 by serial muse

[colombiana28]

I don't hang around JUST females, so it wouldn't be applicable to a relationship, but just the fact that you're not a "go with the flow" kind of person is a HUGE turnoff. Not saying you're in the wrong but that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

[Keenly]

Hi! Re: the bolded: Well! That's delightful, because that's not what *I* said. But it's fun to write "you people" and lump everyone together - just vague enough to encompass all women in this thread, eh? I believe you said so in a previous post. My bad; you're totally being neutral.

 

(I certainly think that if the genders were reversed you would NOT take this stance, BTW. Certainly nothing in any of your previous posting history suggests it.)

 

Fine, feel free to go on the same damn rant every time someone implies that a person with an XY chromosome might want to take a second look at his own actions. I will add, though, that if you think that same old same old rant is good enough to recycle here, then your opinions on those other posts certainly seem relevant. Personally, I'd say you're being destructive.

 

OP: Have a calm talk with your SO about why this matters to you. You like her and you said she's not a repeat offender. Please don't get riled up by someone who's got a personal agenda and distort a relationship because of it. You're the one in a good relationship here with someone you generally feel cared for by; perspective matters.

 

You're premise is entirely wrong. I'm not even looking at genders at this point, other than what makes the OP uncomfortable

 

 

Person A is dating person B. Person B wants to drag person A into plans that will make person A uncomfortable. Person A expresses concerns multiple times which are blown off and disregarded by person B.

 

Person B, while at said event, notices person A is visibly uncomfortable and does absolutely nothing about it. Thus, I conclude person B is selfish for not taking more time to listen to the feelings of person A, because she didn't care about person A's feelings. Person B only cared about person B.

 

 

This is whats happening. If the sexes were reversed, I would have the exact same opinion. Saying "no you wouldn't" doesn't some how negate my argument.

 

I'm not really okay with lying in order to trick some one into going some where they don't want to go, just because YOU want them to. I also believe that some one's birthday does not grant them some kind of authority over me. A birthday is an experience that should be shared, not forced. Its one thing if she wanted to take him to... Idk... something a man would find stupid.... If she wanted to take him to a hypothetical 4th twilight movie, just those two, I would understand the suck it up and go mentality. But this is different. What group of girlfriends wants one of the girls boyfriends there being all awkward and uncomfortable? It brings him down, it brings THEM down, it brings the whole night down.

 

It's okay for men and women to have their own events with their own friends, and its also okay to feel uncomfortable and express to your partner that being around a bunch of your friends of the opposite sex also makes you uncomfortable.

 

 

 

If I told my girlfriend the color purple made me really really uncomfortable, like I had a weird phobia or something, I would be pretty mad if she came home saying "honey! i bought you a purple shirt!" because that would mean she doesn't listen when I express my feelings.

[Janesays]

Hi! Re: the bolded: Well! That's delightful, because that's not what *I* said. But it's fun to write "you people" and lump everyone together - just vague enough to encompass all women in this thread, eh? I believe you said so in a previous post. My bad; you're totally being neutral.

 

It's not what *I* said, either. In fact, I wrote saying that I have been in the EXACT SAME position as the OP and am probably the one person in this thread posting who TOTALLY understands where he's coming from and sympathizes because I HAVE BEEN THERE.

 

And yes, I said he should get over it. But NOT because of anything to do with his girlfriend. Because holding tight to weirdo phobias like that will hold HIM back and cheat HIM out of possibly wonderful experiences and developing bonds with other people who could end up playing important roles in his life, etc. He should try to get over this phobia FOR HIM, to improve HIS life.

 

Then I shared what I had gained when I learned to get over it....I gained a family. My first family in my entire life.

 

That is a GOOD thing.

 

If OP would be willing to take a similar leap of faith, I think HE could gain a lot too.

 

So it has NOTHING to do with gender wars....despite the ravings of Keenly. Keenly, I think you are hijacking this thread with your own personal bias and issues. (Seriously, you are calling the OP's girlfriend who HE NEVER HAD A SINGLE PROBLEM WITH IN 4 MONTHS ACCORDING TO HIM) a disrespectful, selfish liar. Where do you get off? I'm surprised Fondue isn't here right now LAYING you out for talking about his girl this way. We get it your point of view. We've heard you. So now that you've expressed yourself, maybe you can quit with the rantings and ravings? As another poster pointed out, if you keep trying to pick fights in this thread, it will end up closed by the Mods. And the OP will not get ANY help or insight whatsoever.

 

Is that what you want?

[serial muse]

You're premise is entirely wrong. I'm not even looking at genders at this point, other than what makes the OP uncomfortable

 

 

Person A is dating person B. Person B wants to drag person A into plans that will make person A uncomfortable. Person A expresses concerns multiple times which are blown off and disregarded by person B.

 

Person B, while at said event, notices person A is visibly uncomfortable and does absolutely nothing about it. Thus, I conclude person B is selfish for not taking more time to listen to the feelings of person A, because she didn't care about person A's feelings. Person B only cared about person B.

 

 

This is whats happening. If the sexes were reversed, I would have the exact same opinion. Saying "no you wouldn't" doesn't some how negate my argument.

 

I'm not really okay with lying in order to trick some one into going some where they don't want to go, just because YOU want them to. I also believe that some one's birthday does not grant them some kind of authority over me. A birthday is an experience that should be shared, not forced. Its one thing if she wanted to take him to... Idk... something a man would find stupid.... If she wanted to take him to a hypothetical 4th twilight movie, just those two, I would understand the suck it up and go mentality. But this is different. What group of girlfriends wants one of the girls boyfriends there being all awkward and uncomfortable? It brings him down, it brings THEM down, it brings the whole night down.

 

It's okay for men and women to have their own events with their own friends, and its also okay to feel uncomfortable and express to your partner that being around a bunch of your friends of the opposite sex also makes you uncomfortable.

 

 

 

If I told my girlfriend the color purple made me really really uncomfortable, like I had a weird phobia or something, I would be pretty mad if she came home saying "honey! i bought you a purple shirt!" because that would mean she doesn't listen when I express my feelings.

 

A) Every post you've made in this thread so far has been gender-specific. You can't just back away now and pretend that they weren't. The evidence is still there.

 

B) You're assuming that she lied to him. Do you even realize that? Well, I put it to you that it's just as possible that she got some vague assurances from her other friends that the BFs would be there and then she didn't follow up to make sure they would be, like she should have/would have knowing this is Very Important to Fondue. I honestly cannot tell, from the OP's previous posts on this, whether he made it clear to her that attending these all-female events is a Big Deal for him. He made it clear to us, yes. But I further put it to you that the vast majority of humanity wouldn't take this so seriously. I have found myself in uncomfortable situations where I'm the only person in the room at a party who doesn't work at a particular place/want to toke up/know anyone but my SO. Yes, it can suck, but most of us have BEEN in that situation and lived through it with perhaps a handful of eyerolls and some choice words for that SO not to be so self-absorbed next time, thanks. For the OP, it apparently produces a pretty strong antipathy/anxiety reaction and he needs her to know this so she won't put him in that situation again. That's fine; but it's a COMMUNICATION issue, not a gendered one. And yes, you certainly made it a gendered one in your previous posts. Go ahead, reread them. I'll wait. While you're at it, possibly consider rereading your own posting history and think about whether that really reflects what you want it to, based on what you're saying here. I say that you're backtracking.

Edited October 29, 2013 by serial muse

[StarsOnFire]

 

Me me me, I I I is what the ladies are saying. Who cares about his feelings right? He will go and LIKE it, or else he is selfish because how DARE HE BE COMFORTABLE ON MY BIRTHDAY!

 

 

OP, don't change who you are to please other people. Ignore the people calling you selfish for daring to have feelings. Keep being YOU, and who cares what a bunch of people on the internet think. If you go the direction they are advocating, you will turn into a door mat. No person should ask their spouse or significant other to do things they KNOW make them uncomfortable, and especially not lie to them to get them to do it.

 

 

Funny, I see the selfish person being the OP. HE is uncomfortable around his girlfriends friends? He can't suck it up for a few hours, and instead has to act like a silent mad person and then continue to fume over the fact that she merely wanted him around her her birthday, to celebrate with her friends? Seriously? It's so...childish. But maybe I missed the ages of everyone here.

 

If you want one of your fake circumstances, if he had a fear of heights and asked him to go skydiving on her birthday and then she got mad at him for not going, yes, I'd agree with you, selfish on her part.

 

BUT, reality, she asked him to come over for a bday dinner. She's not even mad he acted all strange and couldn't adjust, she's done nothing but have a birthday and want him to celebrate with her and HER friends (since, yes, it's her birthday not his). And, honestly, if he can't figure out how to hang out with her friends, it's just going to lead to bigger issues down the road.

[pteromom]

Fondue... to answer the question in your subject, no it is not disrespectful for your girlfriend to invite you to a girl hangout - especially her birthday dinner.

 

She wanted you there. You get that, right? She didn't WANT to just hang out with her friends without you. It's a compliment, and it means that you mean something to her. It's important to her for you to be a part of her birthday.

 

I think what you need to get out of this is to change your mindset a little. You are letting this fear of being the only man in a group of women control you, and that's never a good thing.

 

If you are the only man in a group of women, you don't have to be "incredible" and "on" and impress everyone. All you have to do is smile and listen. And if the conversation rolls to something you are uncomfortable about like bikini waxes or Janey Sue's sex life with her new boyfriend, you can raise your hand and say "What??? Man here! TMI!" with a laugh. Or the old "LA LA LA LA, I can't hear you!" with your hands over your ears thing. Just by smiling and being loving to your gf, you would have won brownie points with her friends - you don't have to come off as Mr. Amazing or anything. You don't have to put on a show to impress them.

 

I urge you to really think about WHY it makes you so uncomfortable and work on changing the way you think about it. That doesn't mean you have to join your gf on mani-pedi day, but it will mean that if this happens again in your life, you will be able to relax rather than being anxious and angry.

 

I would forgive your gf too. Maybe she should have taken your phobia a bit more seriously, but the level of anxiety you had in this situation is WAY outside the "norm", so I don't think she realized how bad it was.

 

And comparing this to a strip club is ridiculous. A strip club is against some people's values. This isn't about that. It's about a phobia/anxiety that Fondue has.

[pteromom]

If you want one of your fake circumstances, if he had a fear of heights and asked him to go skydiving on her birthday and then she got mad at him for not going, yes, I'd agree with you, selfish on her part.

 

True - but if she asked him to meet her on the ground when she landed, that wouldn't be selfish. And that's all she was asking for here - for him to be present with her.

[pteromom]

Me me me, I I I is what the ladies are saying. Who cares about his feelings right? He will go and LIKE it, or else he is selfish because how DARE HE BE COMFORTABLE ON MY BIRTHDAY!

 

But his feelings are irrational. His discomfort is irrational. So yes, he is the one that needs to change here. He didn't have to LIKE it, but he could have sat there with a smile on so his gf could enjoy her evening. That's really not much to ask.

 

 

OP, don't change who you are to please other people. Ignore the people calling you selfish for daring to have feelings. Keep being YOU, and who cares what a bunch of people on the internet think. If you go the direction they are advocating, you will turn into a door mat. No person should ask their spouse or significant other to do things they KNOW make them uncomfortable, and especially not lie to them to get them to do it.

 

I agree with you to a point. At the same time, when something makes us uncomfortable, we have a personal responsibility to consider why, whether our discomfort adds or detracts from our happiness and ability to cope with life, whether our discomfort is valid, etc.

 

In this case, not being able to be the only man in a group of women is only going to affect his life negatively. There may be times when he is in a peer group at work with only women, or has another birthday with a gf or wife, or ends up planning a party with his best friend's wives, or ends up the only dad at the playdate. He needs to work past this.

 

Now if his gf had asked him for a threesome with his best friend for her birthday, then yeah... he would be within his rights to say NO, and his discomfort would be valid - because if he went through with it, it could damage his relationship, sell out his values, make him feel badly about himself, etc. There would be a reason to decline.

[StarsOnFire]

True - but if she asked him to meet her on the ground when she landed, that wouldn't be selfish. And that's all she was asking for here - for him to be present with her.

 

 

Exactly. I agree with you.

 

And the real life situation wasn't something he couldn't have walked out of if it was such a debilitating anxiety to be around a few girls. He decided to stay, and when making that decision I feel like he should've decided, if he stayed that he would make the best of it. I'm just not buying that he has such an awful anxiety/illness whatever that he can't be around just women. Or it didn't affect him enough to decide to leave. So that's why I'm feeling something about this is off, and it's being exaggerated how much he can't function around just women.

 

I still would love to know if OP would've had a totally different experience if one of the girls boyfriends was there, but was rude and just sat quietly moping in a corner. Would OP have been the life of the party then, since there was then a man in the room? I just, don't understand.

[Babolat]

OK so I get the fact that you hate being the only penis is a sea of vagina's and cool, you've stated your views on that and it's been great up until this point... but lets get this clear here. This was HER DAY. This was HER BIRTHDAY. This day wasn't even REMOTELY about you.

 

She may have gotten a head count, she may have been told yes by other guys or the girls who said they'd be there, but she cannot control these people and what they ultimately do. I really don't think she "tricked" you, per se.

 

She wanted YOU there on HER BIRTHDAY, and you made it so horribly awkward and terrible and embarrassing for her. I'm embarrassed FOR YOU. Not because you were the only guy there. But because you could not man up and grow up and act appropriately on HER birthday and just behave like a normal human being for a few hours.

 

I'm really not quite sure why you keep drilling into the fact that if there are other guys there you're able to act "incredible" and this and that. You should be able to act that way, if that is your TRUE personality, ALL of the time. Do you have social anxiety being the only male? You say you don't fear women but it sounds like you have a serious phobia that makes you behave this way.

 

Any grown adult would put aside any issues they had, and made the day pleasant for everyone. Instead, you acted like a child, sulked, sat in the corner acting like a dumb and deaf mute. I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh or rude, but that behavior is NOT CUTE, it's not acceptable and I'm not surprised she's furious with you, and yes, you WILL be judged by her friends. I think you need to learn how to have conversations with people. If you're not relating to anything they're talking about, OPEN YOUR MOUTH and change the subject and bring it to a more neutral territory. Or, look at your girlfriend and bring up something that happened that day, or SOMETHING and have her help you guide the conversation to an easier subject to talk about.

 

I'm not sure if you're aware, but when you behave the way you did, you actually bring MORE attention to yourself. Do you have fear of looking dumb around a group of girls like this? Do you think you'll sound stupid if you try to talk to them? We're women. Not aliens. It is possible to have conversations with us.

 

Your girlfriend does not subject you to her group of friends all the time. She has not been disrespectful to you and dragged you along on girls nights. But this ONE TIME. This ONE TIME on her birthday, you couldn't just go with it?

 

Sometimes when you're with someone you love, you do things. Not because you want to, not because it's your favorite thing to do, but because you want THEM to be happy. It's called being SELFLESS.

 

Bingo, well said, and I think the OP is being a bit controlling here.

 

OP, no disrespect, but it does sound like you are NOT ready for a relationship if you have to have rules and laws, if you will, or if you are not capable of having an intelligent, compassionate, conversation about the topic afterwards. Instead, you shut down on her, you got cold, which my friend, is a controlling behavior.

 

And, BTW, I can relate to you. My ex gf would invite me to parties where there were sometimes all girls, or some SOs who left early, and I, was left, well, alone. I did not like it, I felt uncomfortable, but I also did not cry about it to her, it was MY issue. I ultimately chose to be there. She could not control who was there and how the evening would unfold.

 

And, I would make the best of it. And as the relationship developed, I would sometimes say No, and she was fine with it. But, for the most part I always said yes, as we were partners, we share, we compromise, it's not all about you, your feelings and what causes you anxiety. And rather than look at it as anxiewty inducing, try to grow from the experiences. Learn about yourself, maybe even make a new friend along the way.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Babolat

[Fondue]

Hi again, everyone.

 

Again, I appreciate all the replies.

 

I did pamper this woman the entire day prior to this event. So because of this occurrence, I felt an immediate disrespect as I was put into a vulnerable position despite my request not to be. I had several conversations with her in the prior weeks about how I avoid girl hangouts. She had in previous times hinted at hanging out with her friends, but I had always declined because it seemed like "girl time" and I told her that I completely avoid it, believing that men and women should and must have separate time. I encourage her girl time. I think it is great. This situation was to be different because it was her friends AND their SOs. So it was 4 women that showed up, my gf, and me. All that was discussed was inter socialcircle drama. There was nothing to contribute.

 

As far as people doubting my ability to actually communicate with people. I don't have that issue. I do quite well in social situations that allow me to be. I had received multiple compliments from several female partners in the past, gloating that their friends "love my new man." The thing about mixed circles is that you can build rapport with the men first, appeal and joke with them, prior to moving that energy onto the remaining females in the room. It always works beautifully. When there is no start point (read: other dudes), I cannot find immediate common ground. So I backup and allow the girls to take over their banter.

 

I don't exactly understand why many of the women here are scolding me for my behavior. While I was polite and courteous, I just didn't feel comfortable being there. I considered leaving, but I felt like I would be even more offputting if I did that.

 

This so far has been the only dark spot on this relationship. From what I have been told from my gf, she digs me in every way possible. I haven't spoken to her about this thing since it happened. Nor have I cried about it to her after (as some of you guys are suggesting). She brought it up in the car that she understood it was girl talk and felt terrible that it went that direction, I just told her I don't ever want to be put into this situation again and I warned her many times prior that I always wanted to avoid this. That was the last conversation we had and I dropped her home.

 

Since then she had initiated and had exchanged a few texts, all of it neutral topics. I don't really care to discuss it with her right now, and I don't really want to see her at the moment; told her to have a great afternoon and left it at that. I am still a bit embarrassed by what happened. I am sure that she has already spoken to her friends about it and probably thinking about this whole situation, too. But it doesn't concern me. I am not trying to be controlling (as someone else has mentioned). I never try and control anyone, people are free as birds when they're with me. I internalize most things and allow them to simmer in my head for a while before I cool off and begin again. I am not sure if I should even discuss this with her, or leave it that. Just a ****ty experience, or something to elaborate on and explore.

 

Someone earlier in the thread suggested I setup another dinner between her friends, her, and I. While I definitely appreciate the suggestion and see why it may be appropriate, I have a feeling that the hill I'd have to climb is even steeper. They'd already have a poor impression of me, so it makes little difference to try and overcome that.

 

In the end, her friends are not important to me. They ARE important to her though. So... I dunno. Do I even have to be cool with her friends to remain with her? She seems to really like me, so I dunno her friend's opinion of me would really affect her much. Anyone have any clue on that?

[youaremysunshine]

Take heart, it's really unlikely that her friends dislike you just because you didn't participate in the conversations that you had no input on. If you see them again you can always engage them on topics that interest you. Most girls are interested in their friends boyfriends and would be happy to learn more about you. Again, birthday gatherings tend to be all about the birthday person so you might have been ignored a bit.

 

Relationships are about compromise and sometimes you have to do things that you are uninterested, I'm sure she appreciated you coming to her special dinner. In the future, she probably understands your needs better and will be more understanding if you choose not to come (also it won't have the pressure of a "special occasion").

 

Inviting a friend would really take the pressure off her to make sure you are comfortable.

[Copelandsanity]

I 100% empathize with what the OP went through. I have a similar social anxiety with large family gatherings and meetups with my ex's friends/relatives. The only true solution is to be with a partner who genuinely understands, but that is not a realistic one. Judging from the responses, nobody or only a select few "gets it," so to speak.

 

What you should do is create a plan or routine that you can follow to mentally and physically prep you for the outing. Part of it can be using self-affirmations, like telling yourself that all you have to do is fake a smile, fake some laughs, pretend to be interested, ask some prepared questions and everything will be fine. If it gets too overwhelming, you can always excuse yourself to the restroom or a fake phone call/text.

 

All I know is that if a girl expressed to me the same sentiments as the OP, I would happily provide her with the choice not to attend and just not sweat it at all.

[Janesays]

In the end, her friends are not important to me. They ARE important to her though. So... I dunno. Do I even have to be cool with her friends to remain with her? She seems to really like me, so I dunno her friend's opinion of me would really affect her much. Anyone have any clue on that?

 

When I was young and naive, I would have said that my boyfriend and friends not getting along wasn't a big deal.

 

But now I'm older and wiser and I've learned that if someone can't get along with those that I love, the relationship is doomed.

 

If you want any sort of future with this girl, you're going to have to climb that steep hill, reach out, and form relationships with the people she cares about. If you can't or won't do that, walk away now and save yourselves some heartache. Successful happy relationships can't exist in a bubble.

[Els]

I was expecting Keenly to bring up the completely unrelated sexual promiscuity/strip club **** again. He certainly didin't disappoint.

[Els]

In the end, her friends are not important to me. They ARE important to her though. So... I dunno. Do I even have to be cool with her friends to remain with her? She seems to really like me, so I dunno her friend's opinion of me would really affect her much. Anyone have any clue on that?

 

You don't have to hang out with her friends on a regular basis, IMO.

 

But you should make an exception for special occasions.