Bringing "the man" to girl talk/hangouts: disrespectful?

[Fondue]

Good evening, everyone. Thanks for reading.

 

So basically, I decided to give up multidating and finally settle down into relationship mode. Which so far, has been pretty damn good. In total, I have been seeing this girl for about 4months. Maybe a little more. Her and I get along quite swimmingly, and I can't come to think of any actual fights/arguments/disagreements we had. I have honestly been pleasantly surprised.

 

We kind of been keeping our social circles quite clear of one another, and I think it's been working out rather well this way. She only met a tiny handful of my friends, and as have I of her's. All these small meetings have gone well, and it seems like I was well received by the people I did meet.

 

Until this weekend.

 

One request I have with all the women I have ever seen is to NOT take me on outings with "the girlfriends." That's the one thing I ask. I do not want to be part of a circle of girls, I do not want to be hanging out and being the only penis there. It doesn't work. It is very uncomfortable. What usually happens in these situations is I close up, become silent and visibly uneasy, and just hope that someone comes up to me, pulls out a gun, and shoots me in the head. I feel that out of place, really.

 

Whenever there is a meetup that will result in me being introduced or hanging out with one of my SO's friends, I ALWAYS make sure there will be other men present there. It allows me to loose, funny, and overall a joy to be around (or so everyone tells me). If there are no other men, I just turn off (as I stated above).

 

This Sunday was my gf's birthday and she setup a meal with herself and her friends. She said she really wanted me to come with her. I made sure to ask her SEVERAL times to please confirm a headcount + if there will be other men there. She kept saying, "it's fine, they'll all be bringing their boyfriends." I asked her to confirm it, she just reassured me that she was going to be correct. I told her that I don't mind dropping her off to this dinner and doing a quick hello to everyone and leaving (if there was to only be women), but she insisted I stick around as the boys will be joining us.

 

Guess what? None of them came. It was all girls. And I was stuck there. Quiet and visibly uncomfortable. She did nothing to remedy the situation. I couldn't even look at her in the face to communicate anything because I didn't even say anything. I just appeared to be shy and untalkative. There was nothing I could even talk about, it was all girl talk. It was a horrible situation.

 

I probably came off as very bad to her close girlfriends. I couldn't have given a good impression at all. Now I am very embarrassed and upset with her for putting me in situation. She probably was embarrassed for me. I mean, I couldn't have come off friendly, right?

 

Funny thing is, the night before we had to attend a few halloween parties. I met a lot of her coworkers and other friends (whom had their bfs and stuff around), and I came off incredible. More than that. I was loud, funny, silly, and highfiving everyone. People seemed to have loved me and really enjoyed my company. Only because I was very comfortable in that setting, without the sense of it just being all the girls. It was wonderful.

 

Anyway, on the ride home, I told her I was going to drop her off and that was going to be that. Mid way on the ride home, she said she realized that I got stuck in this girl talk and apologized for putting me in that situation. I don't know how sincere her apology was or if she even knew how painful this was. I specifically asked her to make sure it was going to be a comfortable setting, but she didn't. She kissed my hand a few times on the way home and kissed me goodnight and all, but I still left with a sour feeling.

 

So I'm pissed today, still feeling embarrassed about yesterday and don't really want to talk to her. She texted me early this morning with a few pictures from the parties on Sat night stating I looked very handsome, and a few how are you's/how's your day, but I just replied politely/cordially. I ended work early today, which I could have used that extra time to hang out with her or something, but I didn't ask. I just told her I am off early today (and she hinted before that her afternoon errand was rescheduled). But we ended our conversation there.

 

SHe's probably a bit confused and giving me some time to myself, as she knows if I am too polite by text, it means I am probably pissed about something. I can't help but be pissed.

 

Is it wrong for me to be upset? Was it wrong for her to put me in this situation? I usually keep to myself and cooloff for a few days if I have disagreements with my SOs, and I am doing that as I type this, should I continue to do it? Or am I just gonna come off as a worse person?

 

Thanks again for reading. I really appreciate the input.

[heartshaped]

I'm on the fence.

 

I think her birthday is a unique circumstance so I can see her only wanting her friends there + her boyfriend. However, I don't see why she didn't extend her invitation to her friends' boyfriends as you were coming and if she did extend the invitation I don't understand why her friends wouldn't have brought their boyfriends.

 

Overall, even though it was her birthday and I personally think this is a minor issue, I think she could have been more considerate with your feelings or at least told you it was only going to be the girls and see if you were going to be comfortable with that.

[Shashasha]

I think you are being too sensitive about this. Yes, it was quite unfair that she fidnt ask any other guys along - but she probably really wanted you to be there for her birthday? Also, she apologised for it - give her a break.

[mammasita]

I think you're overreacting just a little bit, BUT I agree with you wholeheartedly that she should have planned better knowing how you felt about being stuck in an all girl gathering.

[Maxtor]

So, your girlfriend on her birthday wanted you be with her and her friends. And you got sissy over that. Your mind was already in "OMG I CANT DO THIS!" long time ago, so, of course you failed. As Bruce Lee said "never anticipate the ending of a fight".

[youaremysunshine]

It's her birthday, you really aren't in a position to make demands about the evening. I think you are being selfish.

 

I do prefer mixed company but you are being a baby. Women are people too and don't think you girlfriend doesn't notice that you can't treat them as such. It's a bad look.

 

I would never date a man who couldn't enjoy the company of a woman he wasn't nailing. The only guy I knew who felt so uneasy around women and strongly preferred the company of men eventually became bisexual. He's a cool guy though.

[veggirl]

I hate being the only girl when my bf invites me out with his friends, and I often decline when I know there won't be other girl there, so I feel you on that. HOWEVER, a birthday is a completely different thing. If he wanted his closest with him and that was his buddies + me, that's fine. I think it'd be nice if she told you before...she should have, really...but I'd let it go under these circumstances.

[Keenly]

Birthday or not, no boyfriend or girlfriend should ask their SO to so something they have said multiple times they don't want to do and it makes them uncomfortable. To keep asking is rude.

 

Let alone lying to you and tricking you into an uncomfortable situation. Sounds like having her boy toy present and visible is more important than her boyfriends comfort level.

 

 

So what if its her birthday.... do something TOGETHER. Not with a 9th wheel of a boyfriend being dragged along.

[Keenly]

It's her birthday, you really aren't in a position to make demands about the evening. I think you are being selfish.

 

I do prefer mixed company but you are being a baby. Women are people too and don't think you girlfriend doesn't notice that you can't treat them as such. It's a bad look.

 

I would never date a man who couldn't enjoy the company of a woman he wasn't nailing. The only guy I knew who felt so uneasy around women and strongly preferred the company of men eventually became bisexual. He's a cool guy though.

 

Right so his feelings are invalid and he needs to just get over it because since its HER birthday its all about HER.

 

 

Sorry but the day of the year does not make her feelings more important than him.

[youaremysunshine]

Well for one she invited her female friends significant others too, so she tried to accommodate him.

 

But yeah, the concept of a birthday party is a persons closest getting to celebrate a person on their birthday. OP how would you feel if on your birthday she feels she can make demands about who comes or where you go?

 

Maybe you should work on your ability to socialize with women, or just not have gone. If I was dating someone like you I would not be willing to give up my friends to please him.

 

 

Really I love my boyfriend, but boyfriends come and go but friends are forever.

[Keenly]

Well for one she invited her female friends significant others too, so she tried to accommodate him.

 

But yeah, the concept of a birthday party is a persons closest getting to celebrate a person on their birthday. OP how would you feel if on your birthday she feels she can make demands about who comes or where you go?

 

Maybe you should work on your ability to socialize with women, or just not have gone. If I was dating someone like you I would not be willing to give up my friends to please him.

 

 

Really I love my boyfriend, but boyfriends come and go but friends are forever.

 

You are changing the details of the story. She did not invite anyone in order to accommodate him. She lied to him actually. She discarded his concerns by just repeating " oh its fine they will be there" and guess what, all girls. That's called tricking some one.

 

 

Also, stop equating " making demands " with expressing discomfort and not wanting to go.

 

Saying " you can go , I'll stay " is not a demand. To claim it is is just dishonest.

 

 

You sound just like women of this generation I have had the misfortune of interacting with. Everything is the mans fault. Some how you have managed to flip this around from the real story, to " you have problems socializing " .

[youaremysunshine]

I have another idea for the op:

 

Would she be open to you potentially bring in a friend if you are in another situation like this? She invited her friends SOs but whether of not they show up is out of her hands, and what can she do when they don't, cancel the party? But if you bring a friend you can count on him to show and be there for you to talk too.

[youaremysunshine]

The op says his girlfriend invited her girlfriends boyfriends, even held out hop that they would arrive later in the evening. She really has no control over what they decided. Nothing in the op makes me suspect he is being lied to. Please read it again sir.

 

Unfortunately I don't think this is a generational thing as men have has the misfortune of interacting with women since the dawn of time.

[Keenly]

The op says his girlfriend invited her girlfriends boyfriends, even held out hop that they would arrive later in the evening. She really has no control over what they decided. Nothing in the op makes me suspect he is being lied to. Please read it again sir.

 

Unfortunately I don't think this is a generational thing as men have has the misfortune of interacting with women since the dawn of time.

 

You must have missed the 5th paragraph. Where he clearly states he asked her multiple times to confirm, and she ignored that and said " its fine" .

 

 

I don't know about you people, but if I had a girlfriend , and on my birthday I wanted to get drunk and play video games with the guys, I would not invite her.

 

 

Instead, I'd say " hey babe, you know I have that thing later, but I took off the whole day so that you and I could share this day together and we can do all kinds of fun stuff alone" rather than forcing her, ball and chain style, to be a part of an environment where she wouldn't be uncomfortable, all with the justification of " but but but but its my birthday!"

[youaremysunshine]

Maybe they did confirm? have you even been to a party before? People who say they are going to come sometimes don't and sometime people who you didn't except show up! Hooray fun celebration!

 

Also there is nothing in the op to suggest she begged that he come or would have got overly upset if he didn't, just that she had anticipated it not being a problem.

 

I don't think a well adjusted person would have a problem with their partner wanting a girls-only or boys-only birthday but I have never encountered that because I get along with people of both sexes, would only date some one who gets along with people of both sexes and don't meet people on the Internet so I already know someone's friend before we get serious.

[Keenly]

Well then if that's what you believe, you can explain to the OP why you think its his fault.

 

 

I'll just say that I think its selfish to not listen to your concerns and to ignore the fact that you were uncomfortable because she felt being seen with you is more important than your feelings.

[youaremysunshine]

I'm not saying its his fault but there is really no way his girlfriend can protect him from this sort of thing, all the time. it's up to others whether they want to come.

 

What makes you think she wants to be seen with him? A man clinging to me all night isn't a satus symbol.

 

I already suggested he

 

A) not go

B) use this an an oppurtunity to develop a platonic friendship with a woman

C) take matters into his own hands and bring a dude friend

 

Honestly I wish my boyfriend would spend LESS time with my friends, just I can have some goofy girl time with them. I very much enjoy his friends too though.

 

If I was with someone who NEEDED to only socialize with men, to the point where we couldn't go anywhere lest he have to speak to girls, I'd dump him. I don't have the energy to try to make that work.

[Eivuwan]

I agree that your gf should have been more considerate of your needs, but I think you have to try to get over this social phobia of being a single male in a company of all females. I mean what is going on? Why can't you just be yourself around them? Your gf is a female too right and you can get along with her. What's wrong with joining in a bit of girl talk? Ask some questions, make some jokes. Women are individuals. Maybe they would enjoy who you are regardless of your gender. I just find this deep fear perplexing. I think it's something you need to get over because it's a common social situation to be in.

[Fondue]

Hi everyone. I appreciate everyone's input so far. I guess I'd like to answer a few questions as people may have misunderstood me a bit.

 

I am by no means afraid of women. I think some people are implying this. I do well with one-- when it is one on one. I do very well, as evidenced by my previous threads as I had recounted dating many at a single time. Women love my character/personality, I've had plenty of success so far in my young dating career.

 

The only difference is in a group setting, I simply can't relate to all that girl talk. This is especially evident (and in both groups of men/women of same social circle) that discuss events/things/people WITHIN their circle. So it is especially awkward when they're talking about something/someone and you have NO idea what/who that is and what's the deal. It's daunting. I can't stand it.

 

Hasn't anyone else found themselves in this situation?

 

The big difference when women bring their BFs is most often, the conversations stay neutral topic and everyone seems to contribute, that's when all the fun/magic happens. I am incredible in these situations. I simply can't do so in an all female group.

 

Secondly, I wish I did have the option to not go. I was trying to exercise it, but she was going to be clearly sad with this if I was not attend. I told her I would prefer to drop her off and leave, but she wasn't too keen on this idea. I usually take initiative on this entire relationship and am the one calling the shots, but it was her birthday, so I have her the liberty to exercise whatever she wanted. So no, not going was not an option. I wouldn't mind AT ALL if she wanted to have a girls only thing. In fact, I encourage it. I don't have a strangle hold over the women that I date. They are free to mingle and intermingle as much as they want, with whomever they want. I am a very trusting person until you give me reasons not to be so trusty of you. So if she was to say she wanted girls only, I would have been quite satisfied with this.

 

Thirdly, I am definitely not clingy. This is in reference to youaremysunshine's assumption that I am. I the opposite of this. I prefer to keep communication to a minimum, not hang out for multiple days in a row, and even spending the night together isn't an often done thing. Also, I definitely do not hold onto my woman like a status symbol of some sort. She is always the one to cling onto me. I usually keep my hands in my pockets, she grabs them or grabs me. In this particular dinner situation, I sat across from her. So I was definitely not going to grab her in anyway. I believe she attempted to touch my foot with hers a few times, but I deliberately moved them away. She sat next to me then after when a spot at the table opened up and started to hold onto me. So like I said, I definitely do not cling onto anything.

 

As far as confirming the men/women attending. She never done any of that. She just setup this dinner, told me which friends are coming, and said their BFs would be there. I asked her to confirm that, she didn't want to and assured me it was to happen. I told her to do so at least twice, actually.

 

Lastly, bringing a bring is a pretty good idea-- if this wasn't her birthday dinner thing. It was about her. Bringing a friend of mine would have been inappropriate. Besides, my friends barely know her at all. Only two really met her, and that was on one occasion each. And neither of them live within an hour distance of me anyway.

[KatZee]

OK so I get the fact that you hate being the only penis is a sea of vagina's and cool, you've stated your views on that and it's been great up until this point... but lets get this clear here. This was HER DAY. This was HER BIRTHDAY. This day wasn't even REMOTELY about you.

 

She may have gotten a head count, she may have been told yes by other guys or the girls who said they'd be there, but she cannot control these people and what they ultimately do. I really don't think she "tricked" you, per se.

 

She wanted YOU there on HER BIRTHDAY, and you made it so horribly awkward and terrible and embarrassing for her. I'm embarrassed FOR YOU. Not because you were the only guy there. But because you could not man up and grow up and act appropriately on HER birthday and just behave like a normal human being for a few hours.

 

I'm really not quite sure why you keep drilling into the fact that if there are other guys there you're able to act "incredible" and this and that. You should be able to act that way, if that is your TRUE personality, ALL of the time. Do you have social anxiety being the only male? You say you don't fear women but it sounds like you have a serious phobia that makes you behave this way.

 

Any grown adult would put aside any issues they had, and made the day pleasant for everyone. Instead, you acted like a child, sulked, sat in the corner acting like a dumb and deaf mute. I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh or rude, but that behavior is NOT CUTE, it's not acceptable and I'm not surprised she's furious with you, and yes, you WILL be judged by her friends. I think you need to learn how to have conversations with people. If you're not relating to anything they're talking about, OPEN YOUR MOUTH and change the subject and bring it to a more neutral territory. Or, look at your girlfriend and bring up something that happened that day, or SOMETHING and have her help you guide the conversation to an easier subject to talk about.

 

I'm not sure if you're aware, but when you behave the way you did, you actually bring MORE attention to yourself. Do you have fear of looking dumb around a group of girls like this? Do you think you'll sound stupid if you try to talk to them? We're women. Not aliens. It is possible to have conversations with us.

 

Your girlfriend does not subject you to her group of friends all the time. She has not been disrespectful to you and dragged you along on girls nights. But this ONE TIME. This ONE TIME on her birthday, you couldn't just go with it?

 

Sometimes when you're with someone you love, you do things. Not because you want to, not because it's your favorite thing to do, but because you want THEM to be happy. It's called being SELFLESS.

Edited October 29, 2013 by KatZee

[jphcbpa]

sounds like an opportunity to learn more about yourself and why you clam up being the only male. see this as a positive, grow in this and look forward to this challenge of breaking this mental block.

 

also a great growing experience for you and your lady. time to get past the anger (which is just self centered fear and has really nothing to do with her). let her off the hook and focus on you.

[Els]

Honestly, I think you're overreacting. Before anyone turns this into a gender war, I would have said the same thing to a girl who complained about turning up at her bf's birthday dinner because everyone else there happened to be male. For the record, I have also gone to my bf's birthday dinners where everyone else there works together except me, hence being the odd one out. It is not an issue.

 

If it was a frequent, ongoing thing that you are uncomfortable with, I think you should put your foot down and say 'no' the next time. But indulging someone once a year on their birthday by just going to a dinner (regardless of how you feel about the topics of conversation at said dinner) is really just the right thing to do. When you're in a R, it isn't just all about you and how you feel. We've both turned up at events that weren't in our comfort zone, for the other person. Not everyday, of course, but occasionally.

 

She must be a really, really patient girl to apologize to you so profusely after all that, IMO, on a day when you should really have been pampering her, not the other way around. Appreciate what you have and let this slide.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Elswyth

[reflex]

I might be missing something here. Because you said you can't stand being around women if no men there. You even wrote that you "become silent and visibly uneasy, and just hope that someone comes up to me, pulls out a gun, and shoots me in the head. I feel that out of place, really."

 

It seems that is completely reasonable and thereby a totally normal behaviour for you. On the other hand, it is a big deal what happened at her birthday? What about priorities?

 

A common interpersonal code of conduct asks to be certain of your own behaviour before jumping onto others. That could help you to be happier by addressing the bigger issues first.

[Janesays]

I think I might be the one person here who can totally relate to what the OP is going through. I, too, have a social issue that makes me VERY uncomfortable. No, it's not being the only vagina in a sea of penii. It's being around 'families.'

 

I was abused as a child. I never grew up in a 'proper' family. So being around families, makes me feel lonely, out of place, and extremely awkward. And since my Mother was my primary abuser, I tend to particularly fearful of Mothers. I have friends that I've been close to since grade school....and I've never met their Mothers. When I was in high school, I met a boyfriend's Mother and since I was so shy and scared, I came off looking very badly. Ditto with my ex husbands Mother. Thank goodness she lived in a different state, so I never had to interact with her much.

 

So, OP, I get it. I REALLY get it. The environment changes to a dynamic you're uncomfortable with and suddenly, you're the fish out of water. Been there.

 

With that said, the first Christmas that my now-husband and I started dating, he asked me to come meet his family. YIKES! Not only am I uncomfortable with families, but (remember my abusive childhood) I never celebrated Christmas growing up either. So that time of the year always makes me feel depressed. I very adamantly DID NOT WANT TO GO.

 

My current husband is very family orientated. They are important to him. Christmas is important to him. *I* was important to him. He wanted us all together. THAT was important to him.

 

So what did I do? I SUCKED IT UP AND I WENT. Why? Because HE is important to ME. And let's face it, I'm in my 30's. I'm TOO OLD TO INDULGE IN THESE IDIOTIC PHOBIAS.

 

Now, keep in mind, that I was so nervous that before we walked into his parent's house, I had to stop and take a couple of deep breathes. But I went in and I met his family including (gasp, choke) his Mother. I plastered a big smile on my face and I went in and acted like I was normal and comfortable and not at all scared out of my mind.

 

And guess what? IT TURNED OUT FINE. His family is lovely. His Mother is sweet and darling. They were all nice and we got along fine and ultimately forged the beginnings of a bond.

 

And because I refused to let myself keep acting like a DRAMATIC LITTLE CHILD, where I am today? Happily married and miserably pregnant. So incredibly miserably pregnant that I've been bedridden most of the time.

 

And guess who, in my very ill and miserable state, sends me tangerines and maternity clothes? My Mother in Law!

 

Someone I would have never been fortunate enough to meet and bond with if not for the love of my husband propelling me to get over myself, my past, and my weirdo quirks to give us BOTH a better future.

 

My advice? Have your girlfriend organize another dinner with her female friends. Go. Have fun. Be a grown up this time. It won't hurt. Promise.

[Keenly]

OK so I get the fact that you hate being the only penis is a sea of vagina's and cool, you've stated your views on that and it's been great up until this point... but lets get this clear here. This was HER DAY. This was HER BIRTHDAY. This day wasn't even REMOTELY about you.

 

She may have gotten a head count, she may have been told yes by other guys or the girls who said they'd be there, but she cannot control these people and what they ultimately do. I really don't think she "tricked" you, per se.

 

She wanted YOU there on HER BIRTHDAY, and you made it so horribly awkward and terrible and embarrassing for her. I'm embarrassed FOR YOU. Not because you were the only guy there. But because you could not man up and grow up and act appropriately on HER birthday and just behave like a normal human being for a few hours.

 

I'm really not quite sure why you keep drilling into the fact that if there are other guys there you're able to act "incredible" and this and that. You should be able to act that way, if that is your TRUE personality, ALL of the time. Do you have social anxiety being the only male? You say you don't fear women but it sounds like you have a serious phobia that makes you behave this way.

 

Any grown adult would put aside any issues they had, and made the day pleasant for everyone. Instead, you acted like a child, sulked, sat in the corner acting like a dumb and deaf mute. I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh or rude, but that behavior is NOT CUTE, it's not acceptable and I'm not surprised she's furious with you, and yes, you WILL be judged by her friends. I think you need to learn how to have conversations with people. If you're not relating to anything they're talking about, OPEN YOUR MOUTH and change the subject and bring it to a more neutral territory. Or, look at your girlfriend and bring up something that happened that day, or SOMETHING and have her help you guide the conversation to an easier subject to talk about.

 

I'm not sure if you're aware, but when you behave the way you did, you actually bring MORE attention to yourself. Do you have fear of looking dumb around a group of girls like this? Do you think you'll sound stupid if you try to talk to them? We're women. Not aliens. It is possible to have conversations with us.

 

Your girlfriend does not subject you to her group of friends all the time. She has not been disrespectful to you and dragged you along on girls nights. But this ONE TIME. This ONE TIME on her birthday, you couldn't just go with it?

 

Sometimes when you're with someone you love, you do things. Not because you want to, not because it's your favorite thing to do, but because you want THEM to be happy. It's called being SELFLESS.

 

Just because its her birthday doesn't mean she gets to be selfish and inconsiderate.

 

 

Stop using the birthday as an excuse, if you truly care about some one you would not ask them to do something they clearly are not interested in. Its selfish.

 

Who cares if its her birthday, the me me me attitude is childish.

 

Okay, its a the guys birthday. He wants to go to a strip club. His girlfriend is devoutly religious. He wants her to come. She doesn't want to come. He makes her go anyway and she is uncomfortable the entire time, and eventually she leaves halfway through and goes home alone. Tell me who the selfish one is in my example.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Keenly