Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Need a dumper's perspective. As mean and cold and aloof and cruel as my ex fiancee of five years has been since she dumped me, please tell me as well as others here that, even if its years to come, they will think of us. I asked her if she still cared about me. She said, "I don't wish any ill will towards you." And was cold and aloof. Is it her pride that won't let her show it or does she really have no feeling? How can someone just after five years and an engagement ring not feel ANYTHING? Really? NOT EVEN A SMALL OUNCE OF MEMORY? Its the number one thing that kills me. It hurts so bad I just want to never wake up and face the day some days. Tell me she isn't a sociopath, that sometimes she still thinks about me. I don't know why she acts so angry towards me. I never cheated and I never abused. Even though she's with a new guy (a mutual friend) there has to be a small part of her that cares, even though she doesn't seem to AT ALL. Or, in time, she will remember and care.
reddragon588 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Of course they still think about them. It's human nature. It's not something to get hung up on though. Missing someone and wanting someone are two different things.
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Why wouldn't she tell me she at least still cares about me as a person when I asked? FIVE YEARS. And she was so loving and soooo into me. I don't get it. She's 24. I met her when she was 19 and was with her until this past summer. She acts like she despises me. How can this be?
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 she didn't even cry at all during the breakup. when she loved me she used to cry at sad scenes in movies that involved couples because she said she never wanted us to part and didn't like depressing movies like that because it made her sad. is she a sociopath? i just don't understand and i can't NOT think about it!!
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Why wouldn't she tell me she at least still cares about me as a person when I asked? FIVE YEARS. And she was so loving and soooo into me. I don't get it. She's 24. I met her when she was 19 and was with her until this past summer. She acts like she despises me. How can this be? You have to understand that relationships are never a guarantee. Feelings can change. People will change. Marriages that have lasted for decades end. She's moving on. Telling you she still cares may only encourage hope. Sometimes it's better to just cut and move on. It helps you move on and it helps to start the healing process. She probably didn't cry because most dumpers are probably detaching way before the actual break-up. They are more in control of their emotions. Whether she despises you or not, and maybe you're reading her detachment that way, you have stop trying to figure out why she's doing what she's doing because you will never find an answer. Your only answer to this is to try and let go.
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Well guess what, and I speak for all who understand what I mean - NOT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT. Good for those who do. Consider it a gift. I don't. AT ALL. 1
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Well guess what, and I speak for all who understand what I mean - NOT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT. Good for those who do. Consider it a gift. I don't. AT ALL. You don't have to get snippy. We've all suffered heartbreak. Yours is no different. An abusive husband and the demise of a marriage. Two long term relationships that ended in cheating. I know what it means and like you it wasn't a gift but something you just have to do by consciously forcing yourself to stop thinking and to push yourself to move. It's normal to vent but the more you keep regurgitating about the whys, the longer you keep yourself stuck. No one knows how to do it but you have to try to move on whichever way you can. It's all you can do. 2
antonio1149 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 she didn't even cry at all during the breakup. when she loved me she used to cry at sad scenes in movies that involved couples because she said she never wanted us to part and didn't like depressing movies like that because it made her sad. is she a sociopath? i just don't understand and i can't NOT think about it!! I doubt if she's a sociopath. She knows it's over (for whatever reason), and she knows instinctively that the more she still cares, and thinks about you, the harder it will be to move on. I've had similar thoughts about my ex. We broke up, but remained "friends" and I know she still cared about me (even though she was hooking up with a zillion other guys). She finally hooked up with a guy who she didn't like initially, but he kept pursuing her, and I think she was conflicted. Two months into their relationship, she sent me a flirty/sad message. Three months in, she had "fallen in love" and gave me a bunch of sh*t I had never heard previously. I think she had to convince herself I was an ass so she could be fully available for the new guy. That might be what your ex is doing, and what they often do: think bad thoughts about you and act cold so it's easier to disconnect and move on. It's not exactly fair, but who said life is fair? 1
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Do you think she will ever one day not feel cold towards me and miss things/memories about me? And to the one who said "Your emotional well-being is no longer her concern.": SPoken like a dumper. Typical. 2
sambo77 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I do understand what you feel buddy. Completely. It is VERY hard to reconcile the fact that somebody who made you feel like she was so in love with you, promised she'd never leave you (what a joke that old chestnut is), and was so into you, with the fact that she suddenly seems indifferent to you, or like you're a mild annoyance. I feel that too. What you're (and me too, so you're not alone) doing is simply asking the world how TF this can be? It doesn't add up? You don't get it? It's hard to believe? You want someone to assure you that it isn't true that somebody who loved you suddenly...well...doesn't love you?! But somebody once said that every relationship has an undisclosed shelf life and honesty, loyalty, and love can simply dissipate like fog. If that's the cold grad truth, isn't it wiser never to believe somebody when they say they'll love you forever?
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 And Zahara, I'm sorry if I came off as snippy. I didn't mean to sound that way towards you.
Author Tarleton82 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I am just very hart guitarheroine. I'm sure you're a nice person if we were to meet in person. Sorry.
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 And Zahara, I'm sorry if I came off as snippy. I didn't mean to sound that way towards you. It's fine. I understand you're enraged and hurt but most of us here are speaking from a dumpee's perspective. We all want to feel that we meant something to the dumper, that what we feel is what they feel but most times when they move on, they've concluded long before the break-up that it's not what they want for themselves. They slowly detach and exit when THEY are ready to move on. The dumpee on the other hand is left crippled because it was sudden. Out of nowhere. By this time, while we are at the height of emotional turmoil, they've detached and most likely feeling a level of indifference. I'm sure she thinks about you but not in the emotional sense, that you hope for. You can't project how you feel and want her to feel. It will drive you nuts. They're in a new relationship and their focus is on the new person. Guitarheroine is right, in that you become a distant thought. Whether she feels differently for you in time, no one can tell. Hopefully by that time you're not even going to care what she thinks or feels.
lil hoodlum Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Why wouldn't she tell me she at least still cares about me as a person when I asked? FIVE YEARS. And she was so loving and soooo into me. I don't get it. She's 24. I met her when she was 19 and was with her until this past summer. She acts like she despises me. How can this be? She won't say anything and acts the way she does because she just doesn't care about you anymore in a romantic way. Her heart and thoughts belongs to someone else now. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I believe that is the truth.
sambo77 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Promising to never leave someone is ridiculous. It's like promising never to hurt summertime - an impossible promise. Agreed. And given how "love" seems so vulnerable to doing a disappearing act too, I seriously can't see the logic in marriage either (essentially a promise "to love" until we die). What we're saying in marriage is "I'll love you until I don't love you anymore...after that the best I can do is tolerate the rest of my life with you or sod off."
h0000 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 she just doesn't care about you. even if she did that would be out of sympathy/guilt. I don't care about my ex. it depends on the person and the reason of breaking up as well.
aybc123 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Not really. I see plenty of happy marriages. I'm a firm believer in marriage. Marriage is perfectly valid, so long as the people involved know what kind of work is ahead of them. Agreed, i think the problem is, and a lot of the GIGs breakups that happen are caused by is that people are chasing after an impossible fairytale love that is easy simple and lasts forever. Relationships are hard work, marriages even more so. But worth it i think.
AnyaNova Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She's doing you a favor. You'll move on quicker the cooler she acts. The less she had to do with you, the better. This^^^^!!!!!!!!!!! This is so much more true than you have any idea. If, on the day of our actual breakup, in July, when he was acting cold and distant, I had been intelligent and gone NC, I would not be here now. Instead, I was an idiot. And after various and sundry, got treated to a "last meeting" in September where he showed so much emotion, so much care, so much heartbreak. So much, well, love (attachment issues, probably and apparently). And still insisted that we had to part ways forevermore. I have experienced both. And let me tell you, as bad as the former was, the latter is so much more difficult to detach yourself from, you have no idea. I know her coldness now does not seem like a mercy, but it is. It really is. Take that gift, run with it, heal yourself, and get ready for the full new sandwich (cause you are not going to accept breadcrumbs) you will have with someone else. 1
KatZee Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 And why has no one said this yet... She left you... FOR YOUR FRIEND. You had suspicions that there was something between them when you were together. YOU WERE RIGHT. If there's anyone to be angry at, IT'S HER. Not us who are trying to help you move on. I'm not sure why you care so much if she feels guilt, remorse, whether she will or won't remember you or think of you down the line. WHO CARES. She's scum. She relished in telling you that she was with your friend. She was smug, and nasty about it. You should be thanking God a thousand times over that you did not marry this vile trash of a human being. You dodged a huge bullet, and instead of being thankful for your second chance at life, you wallow over her every single second you can. SNAP OUT OF IT! 2
Simon Phoenix Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 She went through the mourning process before she broke up with you. That's why she didn't do it when she pulled the plug, because she likely spent weeks or months preparing herself for the moment, rationalizing why she needed to do it and coming to terms with the guilt behind it. In most cases with extended relationships, the dumper doesn't just wake up one day and say "Hey, I'm going to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend." They have gone through the pros and cons in their head for a while before pulling the trigger. I mean, I'm sure she enjoyed the relationship for most of the time it went on. But she doesn't now. I mean, you are willingly jumping in quicksand and eating it right now. There is absolutely nothing positive that comes from you ruminating whether or not she enjoyed a relationship that has long since died.
MoooOinkBaaa Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Yep my ex did the same here. They break-up behind your back. She spent a couple months with alcohol and late nights. She says it's for the best etc etc etc and blah blah blah. She told me her biggest fear was losing me, she told me she will never leave me. It's all BS man. You've been duped. And those blinders are on nice and tightly. I'm gonna take your blinders right off! That love drug is working full swing. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. They don't love us, they only love themselves and need to be loved. Love is a cure of loneliness. They are just afraid of being alone (my ex's words). People live by their own selfish needs. We thought our exes were holy. It's crazy how pathetic the human race is and how unfair and sad life is. Welcome to the universe. Your ex will do anything to get ahead of you in life. The more time goes on the more you will become bitter towards her. These people turned our world on it's head. Now our heads are spinning. You've been to Jupiter now you're back down on earth, the real world. All we keep asking is "is this who you are?" True love is out of style. Tear up and start again. This time you won't be unclear. Now you can see past the BS, you have new eyes that can see into infinity. Edited October 29, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa
reddragon588 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 And to the one who said "Your emotional well-being is no longer her concern.": SPoken like a dumper. Typical. I'm a dumpee and I 100% agree with that statement. The sooner you adopt that same attitude, the sooner you can start moving on. You shouldn't care about her emotional well-being just like she isn't caring about yours. It's cutting the ties.
conf Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 The people who string others along when they don't love them, they are the ones to watch out for. Everyone says that dumpers detach themselves long ago. Namely they string you while they dont love you. So dumpers are bad people. Simple logic Love is not feeling is choice/action. I CHOSE to be together with my ex even after the end of honeymoon period, she did not. I loved her she did not. She was in love with me at the begining of the relationship but never loved me. She loved the safety BUT NOT ME. When she found her next SO and felt safe he dumped me because he had something that i did not. The spark/excitement of new. Pure immaturity. Pretty much i described the 75% of break ups
Simon Phoenix Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Everyone says that dumpers detach themselves long ago. Namely they string you while they dont love you. So dumpers are bad people. Simple logic So dumpers should be forced to stay with people they don't want to be with? That's the conclusion you've come to? 2
conf Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 So dumpers should be forced to stay with people they don't want to be with? That's the conclusion you've come to? I dont speak about short term to mid term relationships. Do you reach to conclusion that you dont want to be with someone after many years?? Most people believe that relationships are easy way going. In other case the relationship is dead. Also they are acting on their feelings and not trying to explain what they mean. Maybe you dont feel great in your life in general and you projecting this on your relationship. As a result the break up is a distraction. Also the break up offers you an alibi. You dont blame yourself for feeling "unfulfilled" but your ex. I dump someone at the start of relationship when i see compatibilities issues. My choice to be with them is conscious and makes me feel great bevause i know to appreciate what i have and not what i dont
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