TheMoonBug Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hey everyone, I wasn't sure where to put this topic under, so this seemed like the best place. I went through a BU about 4 months ago from a long distance relationship, and its been about 3 months of NC. If you'd like to read about the whole ordeal here it is, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/428864-he-good-boyfriend Now, I have been taking some counseling to help me cope with everything because as soon as I broke up with my ex, I moved to a new small town for school, living in an apartment alone, and taking care of myself. I have been doing really well, after my mind calmed a bit. But some things have stuck out from my past relationship. He was a my first love, and I was so in love that I never imagined in my life that I'd fall in love with someone like that before. Love love love! Now that we are over I can see everything so clearly now, however, after a year of trying to be the best girlfriend in the world for this guy, I wanted to break up with him because I was truly unhappy. I tried to break it neutrally, but he knew my weakness. I can not stand seeing someone in pain and/or sad, and I believed he knew this. So he cried, and pleaded with me, saying I was the most perfect girl and that he'd never be happy again. Well, I stayed. Biggest regret! So for the rest of our relationship I was the girlfriend from hell. I tried everything to get him to finish school, get a job, to send me a damn birthday present! I tried being sympathetic, give him tough love, and once I went on a "fake date" to make him jealous (this actually worked, for a couple weeks). My birthday is in December, and I wouldn't get my gift for months. I asked him to just send a card, and he would reply that I "was worth more than a card." So for months I didn't get anything, does that make any sense at all? -__- ANYWAY, to my point! He would always always ALWAYS tell me this: "You'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do." This one thing he'd always tell me keeps me set back. I cry when I hear that sentence in my head, because he drilled it in pretty well. However, last night I stopped telling myself those words, and rearranged them to "You'll find someone who'll love you more than he did." I feel fantastic today now that I tell myself that, because I really believe in it. Now, I am the type of person who needs to ask a million questions to bring closure to something. What do you guys think? Was he keeping me under control with his words? Any answer helps me make more steps towards recovery. Thank you so much!
Quiet Storm Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 My birthday is in December, and I wouldn't get my gift for months. I asked him to just send a card, and he would reply that I "was worth more than a card." So for months I didn't get anything, ANYWAY, to my point! He would always always ALWAYS tell me: "You'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do. You need to ask yourself "why is his love valuable to me?" His brand of love is not good for you. Addicts love heroin. A lot. The intensity of the love does not make it good or right.
Assasda Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Personally, I think only Kids can be Psychologically abused. If youre a grown person, you can chose to believe whatever youre tolds. That fake date thing seemed like an immature stunt. You shouldve just left him the first time
salparadise Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) ANYWAY, to my point! He would always always ALWAYS tell me this: "You'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do." This one thing he'd always tell me keeps me set back. What do you guys think? Was he keeping me under control with his words? Any answer helps me make more steps towards recovery. Thank you so much! Are you asking if saying this particular sentence constitutes abuse? I'd have to say it depends on how he meant it... "if he's saying you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do" because there is something wrong with you it's very different than if he meant that he loved you as much as is humanly possible. There are degrees of psychological abuse, and the threshold at which one applies an official label will vary from counselor to counselor, person to person. I think a lot of counselors use a loose definition. I would define it something like... an ongoing pattern of words, attitudes and behaviors that effectively undermine a person's sense of self, cause them to feel inadequate, unworthy, unattractive, burdensome, worthless, damaged, etc. I certainly don't think saying that sentence several times constitutes abuse unless it was intended in the most negative way... that you're unworthy of being loved. I don't get the feeling that's what he meant, but I can't really say with limited insight into the situation and relationship. I don't think intent is necessary to meet the definition, so it's also possible that he meant it one way and you heard it another. While not receiving a birthday present on time would be disappointing, I don't think one could call it abusive. I honestly think that you just have a sensitive, insecure side to your personality, and that he wasn't a good boyfriend because he was unable to meet your needs. Applying the abusive label gives you permission to frame the situation in a much more negative way. I don't think you should do that. Just understand that he was probably an essentially good person that didn't have the ability, or perhaps desire, meet your needs in the relationship. Take responsibility for how you feel about yourself, as you did when you changed those words that you're replaying in your head. Feelings of negativity toward your ex-bf will hurt you a lot more than it will him. It will keep you stuck. We're all imperfect, and it's ok to see him as a good person with his own issues who ultimately could not meet your needs in the relationship. Choose to see it as a growth experience and understand that what you learned will allow you to make better choices in the future. If you are feeling unworthy or unlovable, you need to get a handle on that yourself, with the help of your counselor. Do not allow him to undermine you in this regard, and do not start thinking of yourself as a victim. Think of yourself as someone who has more valuable life experience than before, and be courageous in your openness to new and more fulfilling experiences going forward. Edited October 30, 2013 by salparadise
Author TheMoonBug Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Are you asking if saying this particular sentence constitutes abuse? I'd have to say it depends on how he meant it... "if he's saying you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do" because there is something wrong with you it's very different than if he meant that he loved you as much as is humanly possible. There are degrees of psychological abuse, and the threshold at which one applies an official label will vary from counselor to counselor, person to person. I think a lot of counselors use a loose definition. I would define it something like... an ongoing pattern of words, attitudes and behaviors that effectively undermine a person's sense of self, cause them to feel inadequate, unworthy, unattractive, burdensome, worthless, damaged, etc. I certainly don't think saying that sentence several times constitutes abuse unless it was intended in the most negative way... that you're unworthy of being loved. I don't get the feeling that's what he meant, but I can't really say with limited insight into the situation and relationship. I don't think intent is necessary to meet the definition, so it's also possible that he meant it one way and you heard it another. While not receiving a birthday present on time would be disappointing, I don't think one could call it abusive. I honestly think that you just have a sensitive, insecure side to your personality, and that he wasn't a good boyfriend because he was unable to meet your needs. Applying the abusive label gives you permission to frame the situation in a much more negative way. I don't think you should do that. Just understand that he was probably an essentially good person that didn't have the ability, or perhaps desire, meet your needs in the relationship. Take responsibility for how you feel about yourself, as you did when you changed those words that you're replaying in your head. Feelings of negativity toward your ex-bf will hurt you a lot more than it will him. It will keep you stuck. We're all imperfect, and it's ok to see him as a good person with his own issues who ultimately could not meet your needs in the relationship. Choose to see it as a growth experience and understand that what you learned will allow you to make better choices in the future. If you are feeling unworthy or unlovable, you need to get a handle on that yourself, with the help of your counselor. Do not allow him to undermine you in this regard, and do not start thinking of yourself as a victim. Think of yourself as someone who has more valuable life experience than before, and be courageous in your openness to new and more fulfilling experiences going forward. I totally get what you are saying! Thank you for the reply. The breakup has been nothing more of a blessing, mind you for a few months there it was extremely rough. I was psychologically and sometimes physically abused in my childhood, which explains why I constantly ask questions to see if what I did in a current situation was right or not. Hence the ridiculous question I asked. In the beginning of the relationship I was confident and I trusted my ex, but like you said, he never met my needs. In fact, sometimes it almost seemed like he refused to send a birthday present or anything. My confidence and my trust started to wear thin, as well as my patience. I was already carrying so much baggage before I met him, and once I was committed to him I carried his baggage as well. He never learned to deal with his problems of his past, nor with the present. Whenever we had 'a talk' my feelings were pushed to the side, and in his mind it was always, "as long as he is happy, that is all that matters." It was a controlling relationship is what it was. I wasn't allowed to do much, and that is what caused my depression. He told me, "you'll never find someone who loves you as much as I do," in anger. It was never genuine. I am getting my confidence back, and I am starting to take care of myself more than I have in a long long time. The whole picture of the relationship I am over with, it is done, but there are small things I need to work on. Some of the things he said still sting now and then, but talking to people on LS seems to be a good way of finding ways for coping Also, you said we are all imperfect, and I completely agree. It was not right of me for staying so long in that relationship, and I should of ended it the first time I felt it was over. It is a lesson learned the hard way, but I forgive myself and I forgive him. Thank you again for the reply. 1
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