Fredflintstone Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) I found out about wifes affair on the 21st of August this year. We have decided to try and reconcile but I'm having real issues controlling my mood swings. I have tried to leave several times as a result. At first she would basically just tell me that I wasn't going to leave and no matter what it takes, how hard it gets she'll try to make it up to me and make my life better than it ever was. Then she became panicky, begging me not to go to the point where it's started to get violent. She didn't really hurt me that much but it did get worse the next two times. The way she's been acting towards me it's like I've had the affair, secretly accessing my phone to see who I've been speaking to, pointing out that I'm on my phone alot and checking on me when I'm on it. All of our plans have stopped, I have put a stop to buying our house and I'm kinda living day by day. I have a son who lives with us, another at university and an eighteen year relationship to think about amongst other things. My wife is determined that I stay as she feels if I leave it would greatly reduce our chances. Although I have attempted to leave several time to be honest I'm not sure what I want. One minute I'm ok, then I'm moody and snap at her then I look at her and can't help but want to be with her! I'm not really the best person to be around at the moment though. Has anyone else had similiar experience or have any suggestions. I don't really want to make a decision based on my emotions if it's going to pass and then I regret it. Edited October 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Retitle, add paragraphs and delete duplicate thread.
RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 It's normal to feel fine one minute, and a ball of rage the next. You need to get some space and time to yourself though. Even though I'm sure that's hard on your wife, you need it so you can process everything.
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Then you have a right to decide not to decide until you know your own heart and that could take a year or two. You must be very honest with her that your moods are all over the map and it IS maddening and crazy making. Many a WS goes through crazy jealousy after DDAY: It is called projection. Now that they have seen just how easy it is to lie to a trusting loved one's face for days, months and sometimes years, they now see BFs or GFs lurking in every corner around their BS. Have her read the post pinned to the top of the page, "What every WS should know." Are you two in any sort of counseling? PS, what you are going through is very normal. Bottom line? ONLY YOU can decide if you should stay or should go. 1
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 The biggest trigger to the betrayal is our WS, the person we loved who betrayed us. She really does not get to decide what is in YOUR best interests to heal right now. Only you can do that for you. There was more than one occasion I packed a bag and left for a night or two. I knew the rage was coming up from my toes and left before I would do or say things I would regret. You are allowed to do the same Fred. 1
dichotomy Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Well it sounds like you got a real remorseful (to the extent of mania and hysteria) wife. That I suppose is better than cold and unremorseful. You’re going to have anger – and I can’t tell you it will go away completely months or years from now – but you can get a better handle on it. You don’t say here the nature of the affair but is there something in particular which hurts the most with all this – causes the most rage for you? I mean I get all affairs hurt – but is there something in particular ? You two gone for marriage therapy?
stillafool Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 It's very normal to feel as you do. Read around this board about men are married to women who've had affairs and it's nearly impossible for them to get over it. Your wife is watching your every mood because she fears her karma is going to come back and bite her in the butt. She probably feels that the only way you can get over this is by having your own affair so she's watching your every move. I personally don't see anything wrong with your moving out for a while until you come to terms with what has happened to you. I think she is selfish by getting violent to keep you. (Yuk) so unattractive considering what she has already done to you.
dichotomy Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 P.S. Good thing not to buy the house yet. As for wether you will regret it (one way or another) thats hard to say right now so close to dDay. I would try to find some quiet alone time to think through the pluses and minus of staying married verus divorcing. Really try to imagine being single vs staying. This might include a talk with a lawyer on what he thinks would happen if you divorce. Also in that list of plus and minus - what you might need or want from her if you decide to stay. Part of what you might need is for her to get off your back, get help, and give you time.
2sure Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She is afraid you are planning a divorce or having a revenge affair. She questions your integrity because her own has been out of commission. What about MC? I hated it, but it definitely taught me to communicate better and made me less confused about my own feelings. 1
Author Fredflintstone Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 She is afraid you are planning a divorce or having a revenge affair. She questions your integrity because her own has been out of commission. What about MC? I hated it, but it definitely taught me to communicate better and made me less confused about my own feelings. She has found the paperwork I've printed for a divorce application and has told me she thinks I will ultimately leave her. She's also given me the green light to sleep with another woman if it will help me. I'm not the type to do such a thing, never have been. We've been together for nearly half of our lives, neither one of us has had much experience with the opposite sex so I wouldn't know where to start even if I wanted to. My wife has multiple health issues including clinical depression, her blood pressure has gone through the roof as a result of her guilt to the point where she was advised by her Doctor to go into hospital. It would probably cause serious health problems if I cheated.
2sure Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Well, those are both pretty scary things to her I'm sure. And she probably feels inside that she deserves either. I don't know much, but I know a huge part of reconciliation is working towards forgiveness . So, does she know that although you may not have forgiven her yet that it's a possibility ? Is it? Also, she is going to have to forgive herself at some point. This is tough.
Author Fredflintstone Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 You don’t say here the nature of the affair but is there something in particular which hurts the most with all this – causes the most rage for you? I mean I get all affairs hurt – but is there something in particular ? You two gone for marriage therapy? I have already posted a more complete story so I'll just try to keep it short. My wife and I had been having problems for about a year, we weren't talking much or spending much time together. She first spoke to him in January 2012 on Facebook, she thought I was related to him, which I am not. I told her then he was upto no good but insisted he was harmless, he's considerably older than her. They became close over time as he continued to speak with her. At this point I'll add that he's a veteran internet dater who meets up with women and has short flings lasting maybe a month so he knows how to get what he wants. My wife however didn't think anything of it as he was such a nice guy, not at all that way with her....anyway in March of this year she finally met for coffees and four months later he made his move. Given how we were at the time, her state of mind and my impression of him when I confronted him, I honestly think he took advantage of her. They had sex twice she stopped it the third time because although I didnt know about him I realised how much of an idiot I was and wanted to do whatever it took to win her back. It was only at this point she realised that I did actually love her. She told me she never wanted sex only friendship and she trusted him. I know it sounds stupid but I believe my wife and quite frankly she was lonely and she is very naive at times.
Author Fredflintstone Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 He knew nothing of her illnesses, she kept them from him, I wonder how he would of dealt with that if she had left me for him. I've lived with it for 18 years I doubt he would've made it through a month of her worst spells.
road Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 You need a guide to get you through this mess. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It is normal for your emotions to be all over the place. Also normal for a WW to become paranoid that her BH will now have an affair.
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