Your husband is sleeping with me.

[Owl]

Ya.. He's with her because not only do they have two kids with her but he likes her, she's a nice person.

People keep saying this like I'm saying he would choose me or something over her or that I would want that..

 

 

We both want to stay with our current partners and have each other to fill in the gaps.... I'm not expecting him to leave his wife and don't think I'm better than her.

 

Me and him have a lot more I common, people other than us see that.. If we had met before having kids things would have been different but they are not and neither of us plan to change them.

 

As long as you're using someone else to fill those gaps rather than taking action to get your H to do so...your marriage will ALWAYS have gaps.

 

But I get the impression you don't want to hear this. I get that you don't want to change...so you're not even willing to consider that you should change.

[KathyM]

I think it's pretty sad that, rather than both of you working on your marriages and making the effort to fix what is wrong in the marriage, you both decide to build a physical and emotional connection to someone outside your marriage, and string your unsuspecting spouses along for the ride. The people you SHOULD be building the connection with. An affair prevents the WS from working on the marriage, and prevents the married couple from working on the marriage, and not only prolongs any marital dysfunction, but makes it much worse.

[AutumnMoon]

Wait.. So you mean this MM is not some poor victimized upstanding husband forced into cheating because his frigid, manipulative, wife won't give him enough sex??

 

You mean he would cheat anyway even if she gave him more sex because he cheats just because he can? Just because the opportunity is there?

 

That Is Amazing. I was becoming convinced that all marital dysfunction must somehow stem from the wife. Glad you cleared that up.

 

I never said it was all because of her! Never claimed that once and neither has he... Ever.

 

Their lack of sexual compatibility has a lot to do with what he does but definitely not everything to do with it. He does not actively pursue other women but he's cheated in the past when situations arose.. I know about them we've talked a lot about it. This is his first "affair" but there was one night stands in past relationships and at the beginning of his relationship with his wife.

 

This was the first time it was an emotional relationship first and for me too.

[AutumnMoon]

As long as you're using someone else to fill those gaps rather than taking action to get your H to do so...your marriage will ALWAYS have gaps.

 

But I get the impression you don't want to hear this. I get that you don't want to change...so you're not even willing to consider that you should change.

 

Right in the current moment I don't want the affair to end. Tomorrow or next week I could feel differently.

 

I'm fine hearing it. I know it and accept it.

 

I started IC and told her exactly what's going on and I am trying to figure out my issues. I'm not just basking in some affair fog... I know this is real life and I need to work at things that I want to be better.

[Owl]

Right in the current moment I don't want the affair to end. Tomorrow or next week I could feel differently.

 

I'm fine hearing it. I know it and accept it.

 

I started IC and told her exactly what's going on and I am trying to figure out my issues. I'm not just basking in some affair fog... I know this is real life and I need to work at things that I want to be better.

 

See my signature.

 

You don't want the affair to end...so you 'try' rather than do.

 

There really isn't anything anyone can do until you get caught, it's all out in the open, and change is forced. Your 'choice' right now is to sit there passively continuing the situation until that happens.

[beach]

Right in the current moment I don't want the affair to end. Tomorrow or next week I could feel differently.

 

I'm fine hearing it. I know it and accept it.

 

I started IC and told her exactly what's going on and I am trying to figure out my issues. I'm not just basking in some affair fog... I know this is real life and I need to work at things that I want to be better.

 

How about working at being authentic?

 

It's exhausting to live a life full of lies that you are participating in.

 

Authentic/kind and honest... In actions and words.

[man_in_the_box]

We both want to stay with our current partners and have each other to fill in the gaps.... I'm not expecting him to leave his wife and don't think I'm better than her.

 

Why is it irrelevant what your respective spouses want?

 

I know after 12 pages I'm just repeating what others already have said... but at least you two had a fair choice whether to stick up with frigid wife/whatever the hell is wrong with your marriage.

[janedoe67]

That sounds pretty judgmental. Just because it is not an need for you doesn't mean it is not a need for them.

 

You mean kinda like how people who don't think sex is a need are being judgmental?

[Bittersweetie]

As long as you're using someone else to fill those gaps rather than taking action to get your H to do so...your marriage will ALWAYS have gaps.

 

As someone who actually said this to myself during my A...xOM is here to fill in the gaps...I totally agree with Owl. My marriage would've always had gaps if I kept someone else around.

 

Now that it's just the two of us, no gaps exist.

[Owl]

It doesn't sound like his wife is living an authentic/kind and honest life either though. His wife is getting treated exactly the way that she treats others.

 

Interesting very first post to this site.

 

Actually...there's nothing I saw here that indicated she IS being treated 'the way she deserves'.

[underwater2010]

It doesn't sound like his wife is living an authentic/kind and honest life either though. His wife is getting treated exactly the way that she treats others.

Sure she is...she has being "blabbing" it to just about everyone. As we have been told. She says she doesn't like sex and doesn't want it. Right there out in the open. So if she is getting exactly what she puts out....don't you think the affair would be known.

 

Beach has it right....honest, open and authentic....in other words no affair.

[rumbleseat]

You mean kinda like how people who don't think sex is a need are being judgmental?

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's the need that they are judging, but the actions people take.

 

If a woman said " my husband never talks to me except when he wants to get laid, so I cheated so I could ahve someone to have deep converstaions with because I need that kind of mental stimulation", I don't think they'd be any less judgmental.

 

Not everyone may not feel the way you do, but i think they can understand it. What they can't understand is someone saying it's the reason they looked outside their marriage.

[hotgurl]

Am,

I think any advice to you at this point is pretty well pointless. You have made up your mind.

 

Your are doing an remediable selfish and hurtful thing but you don't care because at the moment it feels good. You don't think you will get caught so no harm no fowl.

 

I think you should take a peak at sofie's thread in the infidelity section. Her attitude is/was very similar to yours. She never thought she was going to get caught but she did. It is an interesting read on the fallout of such affairs.

[Owl]

I didn't say she deserves to be treated the way she is being treated. Just that she is reaping what she has sown. She is treating her husband badly and he is treating her badly in return. The golden rule is that we treat others the way that we want to be treated. She is being treated the way that she treats others. Sounds fair to me.

 

There's this little matter of SCALE that is totally missed in your observations.

 

She's treating her H badly...as in she doesn't enjoy the physical aspects of their relationship as much as he does, and doesn't engage in it it with him to the degree he would like.

 

So she deserves to be cheated on?

 

I suspect you're missing the concept of "appropriate response".

[beach]

And the OP had the golden opportunity to get honest! She could have said "since you don't enjoy sex with your H - and he knows I love it - I am the one sleeping with your husband".

 

But she didn't - she stayed silent, and grew her lie even bigger by not speaking her truth.

 

You see, the lie is there by virtue of simply staying silent.

[yellowmaverick]

Interesting very first post to this site.

 

 

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

[janedoe67]

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's the need that they are judging, but the actions people take.

 

If a woman said " my husband never talks to me except when he wants to get laid, so I cheated so I could ahve someone to have deep converstaions with because I need that kind of mental stimulation", I don't think they'd be any less judgmental.

 

Not everyone may not feel the way you do, but i think they can understand it. What they can't understand is someone saying it's the reason they looked outside their marriage.

 

Then it is a good thing that I bend over backward to qualify every time I post making sure I make it clear that I believe cheating is wrong and is a choice, etc.

 

Pity so few people seem to ever read THAT part.....

[hotgurl]

Am,

I think any advice to you at this point is pretty well pointless. You have made up your mind.

 

Your are doing an remediable selfish and hurtful thing but you don't care because at the moment it feels good. You don't think you will get caught so no harm no fowl.

 

I think you should take a peak at sofie's thread in the infidelity section. Her attitude is/was very similar to yours. She never thought she was going to get caught but she did. It is an interesting read on the fallout of such affairs.

 

Damn auto correct I meant remarkably not remediable. LOL

[road]

My husband doesn't work away the entire year, he'll be home again soon for a few weeks. I have a high sex drive and so does he, its daily.. sometimes morning and night, sex isnt lacking when hes home.. and we get along ok.. We have stupid fights, that turn big and I do hate that.

 

I never argue with OM.

 

My husband doesn't like the same things sexually as me and I'm not as attracted to him. But I'm working on it.

 

 

There is nothing to work on because you are giving the OM half of your attention and efforts.

 

Things between you and you BH will not get better because you will take what the OM give/the easy way, instead of the hard way/working on your BH.

 

Just human nature.

[2sure]

No I think I get it. From what I read I didn't read it as she doesn't like it as much as him or whatever. I read that she was purposely saying humiliating things about him to other women. That is mean. I don't know if him cheating on her is more mean but it's at least as mean. So fair is fair I think. I can't imagine many men who wouldn't think it really cruel for their lovers to say humiliating things about their love making to others.

 

But the OP would have known if the wife was being mean and mocking , she was right there, and that isn't what she said. We don't have to guess, OP said it was a group of friends chatting, and her MMs wife took accountability for not wanting sex, she didn't mock her husband . This wasn't the grocery store. The woman was talking about HER sex drive with her friends.

 

But something like that is mean and humiliating to you, and I totally respect that. My culture is sometimes different.

[2sure]

Some women, do however easily give up sex once it has served the purpose of giving them children. Some woman for whatever reason don't find sex enjoyable?! Not sure if this was the case with my mm, but I do know women who could very easily give up sex, have "pity sex" with their husbands to "hold them off for x number of dAys". Seems sad to me, but I've been in a sexually incompatible marraige, so I can understand the feeling to an extent.

 

Doesn't condone cheating, but

 

Yep, I know it happens. I only have one child, who was gone every other weekend, so...I'm sure having two or three all week every week, is ...well, I couldn't do it! But, you know for families with young kids, it's a valid factor, challenge, obstacle, whatever.

[PhoenixRise]

It doesn't sound like his wife is living an authentic/kind and honest life either though. His wife is getting treated exactly the way that she treats others.

 

Hmmmm

 

You must have missed the post where AutumnMoon stated that even if the wife gave him more sex he would cheat. This MM according to the OP cheats because he has the OPPORTUNITY to cheat. That IS IT.

 

This is not a matter of reaping what the wife has sown. This is a matter of a MM who took advantage of an opportunity to cheat. According to the OP it doesn't matter what the wife does or doesn't do.

 

Maybe you missed where she posted this. Or, maybe you didn't miss it. It is easy to skip over info that doesn't conform to a particular narrative.

[AutumnMoon]

Hmmmm

 

You must have missed the post where AutumnMoon stated that even if the wife gave him more sex he would cheat. This MM according to the OP cheats because he has the OPPORTUNITY to cheat. That IS IT.

 

This is not a matter of reaping what the wife has sown. This is a matter of a MM who took advantage of an opportunity to cheat. According to the OP it doesn't matter what the wife does or doesn't do.

 

Maybe you missed where she posted this. Or, maybe you didn't miss it. It is easy to skip over info that doesn't conform to a particular narrative.

 

I THINK he would. I don't know it for a fact. It just seems to me he's interested in things that his wife is not.. So in my opinion I think at some point he would seek those out with someone else if not me. That's just my opinion, it's not fact.

 

His wife sex drive and his drive, is a large factor in this affair for him.. But for sure not the only reason especially since sex takes up only about 5 percent of our time together.

[PhoenixRise]

I THINK he would. I don't know it for a fact. It just seems to me he's interested in things that his wife is not.. So in my opinion I think at some point he would seek those out with someone else if not me. That's just my opinion, it's not fact.

 

His wife sex drive and his drive, is a large factor in this affair for him.. But for sure not the only reason especially since sex takes up only about 5 percent of our time together.

 

Ok.

 

I thought you said that he had cheated on her before on more than one occasion. If that is true it would seem like he is an opportunity cheater.

 

Look, I'm not saying that since the wife is the betrayed one she is perfect I am calling BS (not betrayed spouse) on the notion that his affair with you is somehow just karma for her.

 

It just blows my mind the extent that some people will go to to avoid holding a WS, responsible for his own actions

 

If the wife is saying things about him publicly that embarrass him and thereby undermine their relationship then she is responsible for doing that. If he decides to leave and divorce (which you say he doesn't want this) then fine.

 

But his integrity is his to uphold. His lying cheating and sneaking around is not her karma. It is just his lack of integrity. His actions. His responsibility

 

It seems pretty clear. Unless you are someone who just reflexively blames the the wife for everything all the time.

[beach]

OP - do you blame your husband for your cheating? Do you ever talk badly about him to others?