What do people make of this break-up? Is GIG syndrome, or is she messed up?

October 28, 2013

For 20 months I was dating someone who had suffered from depression, and had actually been sectioned once or twice, however she had been well for six or so months before she met me. In general, she is very charming and very pleasent, and attractive (but not overly so).

When we first met everything was amazing. We both fell in love with eachother quite intensely and everything was going so well that she actually proposed to be engaged (which I rejected as it was too soon) after 14 months of so of dating. She had consistenly told me how much she loved me and wanted only me. She said 'when you know you're with the guy you want to spend your life with, why wait?'

We then decided to live together after the Summer with her parents buying us a property. I was going to go to Uni so I made the choice of choosing a lesser uni to be with her. I remember quite distinctly telling her ' this means you have to be committed to me for three or so years' and she replied ' I'm ready to commit myself to you for much longer than that'. And then I asked 'what if there are problems' and she replied ' There won't be any problems. I can't forsee any.'

At this point everything sounds wonderful and perfect.

4 Weeks later everything has turned upside down. She did her exams and became very depressed, and, consequently, the relationship was harder than normal. She then went on holiday and then come back and said she had loss all attraction for me. She didn't want us to live together anymore, and she felt trapped. She then said I was straying dangerously close to the friend zone and berated me for, effectively, giving her continuous emotional and physical support when she was suffering from exam depression. I did everything for her as she could barely function. She also mentioned that she wanted to date other people, but would try to make this relationship work.

We consequently stayed together. I asked her why she didn't just break-up with me and she replied: 'because when I saw you my heart melted.' However, we started dating again and she kept withdrawing. However we were still having sex but her affection in general and energy were much less enthusiastic in general. However, surprisingly she mentioned that we should get engaged and was continually hinting at it. She said she had questioned the relationship but realised that she loved me and that she did find me attractive. However I hacked into her phone and saw her write to a friend that 'she just fancied other people, and not me .'

More risibly, we had actually been having a great seven or so weeks, with her telling me every night (on the weekends) that she loved me. And the week before we broke-up she had told me that she only wanted me, wanted to live with me, and that she loved me. Another tidbit, she had actually told her friends that she wanted to get married either in the first year of living together, or the third. A friend blurted it out when she was tipsy, as we were having a private conversation - this was literally three weeks before she said she had 'supposedly' lost all attraction for me as a lover.

Consequently, she broke up with me a week later after she fancied one of her colleagues and had chosen him over me. However, apparently, nothing came of this, and we met up hand items back which we had borrowed from eachother. Consequently, we had decided to break-up for good but just before I got onto the train she said she had second thoughts and did I want to come back to her place. It was obvious throughout the conversation prior that she was attracted to me, and therefore that was the reason she didn't want to let me go. She said when I come back to hers we should sleep in seperate beds, of which I agreed.

However, when we got back to her place she started kissing me and threw herself at me. I was reluctant as she had already put me through quite alot of emotional pain. But we had sex, she had initiated everything. Risibly, she later admitted that she didn't fancy me because she had imagined that I had a massive belly, though I am slender. I am 32 inch waist and I exercise frequently. She literally admitted that when she saw me come off the train that 'I was so slender.' And much more appealing and better looking than she had convinced herself. In fact, after we got back together, she was telling me how I was the most important person in her life, and she wanted us to grow old together, and that I was 'gorgeous, very handsome.'

Consequently we got back together, she said she was sexually attracted to me - which was obvious - we had been having no disruption to our sex life whatsoever, she had been losing general interest though) We dated for another month, this time she was incredibly physically and sexually affectionate, and on our last date she was literally all over me, giving me a huge amount of physical and flirtatious affection. Incidentally, I had hacked into her phone and she has been referring to me as 'the one' and that she was desperate to get back with me as she loved me so much. Incidentally, a week just before we broke up, she had told me that she did infact what us to live together when it was possible next year, and wanted me to spend the holidays with her, as she will have a new apartment.

Consequently, she has now just dumped me because she fancies a guy at her new uni, and said over the phone that 'she just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore.'

What am I to make of this?!

October 28, 2013

I think you should. Thank God and run. Sory not trying to belittle ur feelings as I have been there too but do you really need that drama in your life. Today u r attractive tomorow you not. It's just too much stress. I know it hurts but try and leave this girl. She is actually doing you a favour by dumping you.

You really don't need that kind of fickleness and drama in you life. Just let her go. It's actually God riddance to bad rubish

October 28, 2013

What you should make of it is that it's a nice dodging of the bullet.

She insults you. She dumps you like yesterday's newspapers when she meets a new guy. She uses you as a crutch when she's in between guys. Even told a friend she fancied others and not you. Insulted you about your massive belly?

Yet, you kept going back. One dose of disrespect wasn't enough. You went back for more. At this point, it's time to wonder what is wrong with you that you would put up with this garbage. Get your self-respect back.

October 28, 2013

The reason I got back with her was because she sent me money, flowers, and constant texts saying 'how she had made a huge mistake by dumping me, and how she did really love me so much, and believed me to be 'the one' ( I mean, she had previously proposed to me, and we were going to live together.) So, despite being hesitant, I did believe her. Which, in hindsight, is a massive mistake.

October 28, 2013

The reason I got back with her was because she sent me money, flowers, and constant texts saying 'how she had made a huge mistake by dumping me, and how she did really love me so much, and believed me to be 'the one' ( I mean, she had previously proposed to me, and we were going to live together.) So, despite being hesitant, I did believe her. Which, in hindsight, is a massive mistake.

Aside from the flowers, money (she was trying to buy you back?!?!), and texts, there were tons of red flags going on throughout and yet you went back just because she said so? In the beginning she wanted to get engaged then did a 180 and said she wanted to date others, berated you, etc. What does her word mean? Nothing.

Massive mistakeS on your part. This is why you need to stop focusing on what's wrong with her but what's wrong with you.

October 28, 2013

Aside from the flowers, money (she was trying to buy you back?!?!), and texts, there were tons of red flags going on throughout and yet you went back just because she said so? In the beginning she wanted to get engaged then did a 180 and said she wanted to date others, berated you, etc. What does her word mean? Nothing.

Massive mistakeS on your part. This is why you need to stop focusing on what's wrong with her but what's wrong with you.

Well, I was willing to give her a second chance, that's all. I guess my mistake was that I trusted someone who didn't deserve that trust. Yes, I've have learned my lesson though. I'm never taking her back. It's more that she is obsessed with seeing 'what's out there' as I was her first relationship, and she didn't know whether I was the person who she wanted to spend her life with. She's 22. Though, what irks me, is that she is the one who tried to make the relationship permanent, and then constantly bolts on me.

October 28, 2013

I think I was in denial about her emotional moodswings, and, when the honeymoon period ended, she confused lack of excitement with lack of sexual attraction. I feel quite belittled by the insulting 'loss of attraction'. As I am not unattractive, nor is it even possible to fall in love, propose, to someone you don't find attractive, or does it say more about her precarious mental state, and her actual lack of commitment when things became less intense? I told her that, obviously, I don't fancy her in the same way that I fancy her when I first met her, because I've had her, so to speak.'

In general she can be quite hysterical and negative. She can get strange and paraoid thoughts and has quite the temper, which didn't become obvious untill the honeymoon phase ended. We only saw eachother on the weekends, so I suppose we would have a good time and she would miss me, but in the interim develop negative thoughts.

I do actually think she will end up medically unsound, which is upsetting to say, but to my mind plausible. I'm also not sure that anyone else would be willing to indulge and deal with such baggage after the inital exultation of meeting someone. I only dealt with her on the weekends and that was tiresome enough. This is all negative, but we do actually get on amazingly well, and my character is suited to hers, and we are similar on the attractiveness scale. But yet, I have been constantly rejected due to her flaws. I should feel liberated, but It's painful to think how good things once were. And even now, when she's happy and affectionate, things were great, but she couldn't deal with the idea that the butterflies don't last.

October 28, 2013

I also get the feeling that, like a child, literally, she cannot differentiate the meaning between feeling something one week and feeling something the next. That each feeling in itself is definitive. So, for example, if we have a row it's because she doesn't actually like me, and if she has one good experience with a new person, they have to be infinitely better. I know that sounds crazy but I have a lot of evidence! Nature only delays her skewed mindset by the creation of endorphins when one initially falls in love.

It's bad but I did always blame myself if things did not work or for her skewed mental states, and I never questioned that it was entirely her fault. I always felt some part guilty or worthless, or to be the one blamed, though I tried to remedy everything. So it is reassuring for you to excuse my blame in this scenario.

A case in point, when we first met I took her to Rome for a few days, but she completely lost her control and cried hysterically when I admitted that I didn't know that to peel tomatoes one needs to place them in hot water. She cried for about hour, with every other problem in her life coming to view as a cause to be upset. And this is when she was in-love! She also had convinced herself that she didn't love me when we had an early pregnancy scare, it was only when she saw me and had a cuddle did she confess that she did love me. How can one convince themselves so utterly that it takes seeing one to realise - and this is in the time that she was telling everyone we would be forever. I guess things just deteriorate. And she became more and more unstable. Like I have to keep convincing her that she likes me. Though I'm over that now.

October 28, 2013

She cried for an hour hysterically because you didn't know that in order to peel tomatoes you have to blanch them in hot water?! She's in Rome on vacation with some guy she claims to be in love with and peeling tomatoes sends her into a tailspin?

And after reading all the other things you wrote, you still went ahead. This is why I say to you again, she may have her issues, but you have to start looking at yourself and asking what about you chose to ignore such off the top red flags.

October 28, 2013

She cried for an hour hysterically because you didn't know that in order to peel tomatoes you have to blanch them in hot water?! She's in Rome on vacation with some guy she claims to be in love with and peeling tomatoes sends her into a tailspin?

And after reading all the other things you wrote, you still went ahead. This is why I say to you again, she may have her issues, but you have to start looking at yourself and asking what about you chose to ignore such off the top red flags.

Well, the tomatoes came after Rome. A few days after. She then took crying about tomatoes, and then added on issues with her mother, and that I would be leaving the next day or so.

It was my first relationship and I fell-in-love. When I knew that she loved me, I could overlook these problems. I didn't realise how imsulting and sour the relationship would end for me.

October 28, 2013

The best thing for you to do is stop analyzing her behavior. You won't get answers. You have to realize you dodged a bullet.

What you should do now is learn from this, establish better boundaries and take heed when you start to see red flags. Love doesn't do anything when the red flags start flying except to blind you. The moment something crosses your boundaries, it should be time to walk away.

October 28, 2013

I was also trapped by the fact that she is an upper class girl with lots of money, and I come from a working class family. The enticement of living rent free in London clouded my judgement, and so when she came back and dropped the bombshell that she had lost attraction for me, I was desperate to me it work. And then I tried desperately for two months, we were still looking for a house together, she had said she wanted to get engaged again, and then a mere week later, she broke up with me the first time. That sent me into a tailspin and I was lucky to regain my equlibrium. But I stupidly believed her excuse about being trapped about living together. The second time we broke up she had the excuse that 'she wanted a fresh start' as she had started a new school. Laughably, she actually wanted a six-month break before she decided to end it all together. I repeat the Marxist dictum: First as tragedy, then as farce. And yes, in hindsight, I know I've been an idiot. But I thought I could smooth everything out.

October 28, 2013

The best thing for you to do is stop analyzing her behavior. You won't get answers. You have to realize you dodged a bullet.

What you should do now is learn from this, establish better boundaries and take heed when you start to see red flags. Love doesn't do anything when the red flags start flying except to blind you. The moment something crosses your boundaries, it should be time to walk away.

I will defintely heed that advice.

October 28, 2013

Now I see why she offered you money when trying to get you back. This situation is so dysfunctional.

October 28, 2013

So when she said she loved you, it wasnt the same love a mature, stable person has. Love is not that fickle. It is not a commodity to be bargained and traded. And most importantly it is what allows you to put the needs of your loved one ahead of yours. She was fond of you, enjoyed sex with you, infatuated with you and may have had a crush on you. But loved you? I'm sorry, no. Actions [not gifts or sexual favours), speak louder than words. Take care and please put yourself first in healing from this whirlwind.

October 28, 2013

So when she said she loved you, it wasnt the same love a mature, stable person has. Love is not that fickle. It is not a commodity to be bargained and traded. And most importantly it is what allows you to put the needs of your loved one ahead of yours. She was fond of you, enjoyed sex with you, infatuated with you and may have had a crush on you. But loved you? I'm sorry, no. Actions [not gifts or sexual favours), speak louder than words. Take care and please put yourself first in healing from this whirlwind.

Sadly I've realised that now. It's sad that it took me so long to get the gist.

October 28, 2013

I guess my judgement was also clouded because she used to tell me constantly that she loved me - while we were having sex, or in the middle of the night, or she would mention our children's names and future etc. And little stuff like, when she was going on holiday with a bunch of girlfriends, how she was worried they would take her clubbing, when all she wanted to do was be with me, and that she only wanted me. But I guess all it was was that she desperately needed me in the situation she was in ( and she did), but dispensed of me when the situation cleared, and when the butterflies were lost.

In addition, She is very emotionally unstable and undisciplined. I think back to the times when I would take a 2-3 hour bus trip and have to literally pick her out of her foul smelling bed, with clothes and dishes on the floor, and barely any work studied. It used to make me so angry, and to think she had the audactiy to criticise me for helping her?! It really irks me. I just refused to face the truth for so long because when things were good they were very good, but when I became dispensable I was dispensed. Once she lost the 'butterfly feelings'. In full hypocricy, she originally ditched me for someone she fancied but he obviously did not reciprocate, and then when she realised that she did find me attractive and loved me, she tried dating somone who she had 'feelings for' but knew she wasn't romantically inclined to. Though she did later on and ring me, saying ' I really love you and I want us to be together, not apart.'

October 29, 2013

This girl sounds seriously unstable and emotional. It sounds like she really needs medication, no offense. You should be pissed off that she wanted to date others and sleep with you too! She sounds extremely unstable. I'd be angry.

March 20, 2014

This girl sounds seriously unstable and emotional. It sounds like she really needs medication, no offense. You should be pissed off that she wanted to date others and sleep with you too! She sounds extremely unstable. I'd be angry.

She is on medication. She was on medication for depression, but has recently been diagnosed for bi-polar 2. However, I am more than convinced it is borderline personality disorder. To be honest, there is a high percentage of co-morbidity between the two, so it is likely that she has it.

As a consequence I read up about borderline personality disorder and, apparently, it's a hard relationship to break and disengage from because the bond is intense and 'loaded.' These are people who react purely to emotion as it definitive, so, therefore, in the honeymoon period, when her brain was loaded with chemicals and sexual attraction, it was the Honeymoon periods of honeymoon periods. They make you feel like a God and 'needed' as the only one who understands them. It is a very powerful feeling. But after the chemicals die they oscillate between loving you and hating you.

I ashamed to admit this, but I wanted to carry on the narrative and let people who posted know what happened (as they supported me), but she actually reached out and contacted me about 27 days after the break-up. She blamed me for not supporting her in an argument. And I ended up sleeping with her twice more. When I saw her the first time post second break-up, she constantly texted me stating how much she loved me and how she had demonized me for not supporting her. Though, like normal, I'm aghast that I had to see her for it to rekindle her emotions and for her to know what she actually feels towards me (though since honeymoon, it has been like that Adam Sandler 51 first dates film, or whatever), she doesn't know what to think of me until she see's me, if a negative emotion has clouded her real feelings. Frustrating and ultimately very boring.

She told me, when I met up with her a second time - in her pitch of total surprise - and unsolicited proclaimed: 'Rimbaud59, I forget how slim and attractive you are. I forget how handsome you are, Just how handsome you are.' and then proceeded to tell me that when she broke-up with me she had imagined me being obese and smelling of balls. Complete and utter devaluation akin to borderline personality disorder. She also had started dating someone ugly (I say not not to be mean, but to show how hypocritical it was to blame lack of sexual attraction - I'm sure he's a great guy and has great qualities - he's apparently, kind, funny and intelligent -, so I'm not diminishing him).

We did decide to get back together for a third time, and then she ended it stating: I don't like your feet, your bum, your belly and your balls. And I don't like the way you kiss me. The only things I like is your face and your arms. That was humiliating, but I purposefully pushed her to reveal what she disliked and I knew at this stage that she has Borderline personality disorder anyway, so I was looking to get laid rather than a relationship. It was also a form of closure because they're ridiculous (though real to her).

But just to put into context: the week before, when we met up for the first time, we slept together and she had told me how happy I had made her and what a stupid mistake she had made etc. and then over Xmas she proceeded to text me and ring me constantly, telling me how she missed me, loved me, and the utter mistake she had made and - basically - begged me to see her over the holidays. I kept putting it off. To me, it was just indicative of her spiral and extreme reactions. It's not even about me I realised, but about her.

Some people may question why I kept going back and, yes, it was weakness. I admit. But this also a snapshot when I type online. For 14 months or so, it was heaven and a great relationship. Seriously! And for 95% of the time, afterwards, she is fun and intelligent. And you desperately try to make things work thinking you can recapture that. Thinking surely 14 months or so can't have been an accident. But now there's a biological and psychological framework it makes it more comprehensible and gives it a causal mechanism. I also have to accept that she Idealised me and I was never as good as she made me out to be, but I'm also not as bad as when she devalues me. The relationship was real and not real, in a sense.

Anyways, thanks for all your comments and support, guys and girls.

Edited March 20, 2014 by Rimbaud59

March 20, 2014

Sounds like a girl with BPD. Run for your life.

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What do people make of this break-up? Is GIG syndrome, or is she messed up?

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