double standards in interracial dating

[Coup La-La]

There's a girl that I've been "dating" for more than a year now. She won't openly date me because I'm black and her parents are against "race mixing", but here's the part I don't get, he last BF was Mexican and her parents never had a problem.

 

Also: one of my coworkers, who is ethnically Chinese told me today that she has only dated white guys her whole life and nobody in her family had anything bad to say, but when she brings home ONE black guy suddenly it's "you're betraying your culture" and "they're not like us"

 

I don't get the double standard. What is so bad about black people?

[tlegend]

There's a girl that I've been "dating" for more than a year now. She won't openly date me because I'm black and her parents are against "race mixing", but here's the part I don't get, he last BF was Mexican and her parents never had a problem.

 

Also: one of my coworkers, who is ethnically Chinese told me today that she has only dated white guys her whole life and nobody in her family had anything bad to say, but when she brings home ONE black guy suddenly it's "you're betraying your culture" and "they're not like us"

 

I don't get the double standard. What is so bad about black people?

 

Why are you asking us?

 

We aren't the ones with the problem...

[AverageCat]

They get associated with poor behavior and unethical culture. It's all subconscious.

 

Sad but true.

 

One thing that might work is to introduce the person as an individual (without the "relationship" connotation), so that the family members don't rush to judge him but rather get to know him.

[Phantom888]

It's ignorance and lack of understanding. Twenty years ago, my cousin from China came to visit me in Los Angeles. During his 3rd day of visit, a black dude robbed him and took his $1,200 camera. That was the first time my cousin has ever encountered a black person, and it scared him. He never had a chance to meet honest and nice black people. So that's basically his 1st impression of African Americans.

 

If people have bad 1st impressions about any race, they tend to spread that fear/anger throughout their friends and families... and that's the root of prejudice. It's sad that so many blacks are in prison and on welfare... it's a vicious cycle. It's not anyone's fault. It's the way things are.

[I-Love-Liberty]

Hey this goes every way. I dated a black girl when I was younger and except for her sister, her whole family did not like me because I was a white guy dating her.

[mtber75]

That f**king sucks dude! But that's just the way it is with Asian cultures... More darker your skin color, more prejudice they are toward you. They associate dark colored people as being lower class laborers! Especially with African Americans, they see a lot of negative USA media coverages and that just tainted their whole image of this group. But if you get into the family good side by being Asian like working/studying hard and respecting the elders than they can be open minded!

[Coup La-La]

The thing about it is: it's not just Asians, it's not just white, I've encountered many Hispanics that feel the same way also.

[theothersully]

Families have a tolerance for how close/far from their own cultures they can accept. This varies with each family. Your girl may be screwing with you and making this up because *she* doesn't want to openly date you for some reason, but every family is different. And like someone said elsewhere, it works between all cultures.

[Emilia]

The thing about it is: it's not just Asians, it's not just white, I've encountered many Hispanics that feel the same way also.

Yeah, I feel for you.

 

In the UK the black population has the smallest proportion of middle class amongst all the races. The majority of black people are not very well educated and/or come from disadvtanged backgrounds. I'm assuming it's similar in the US. Unfortunately people tend to generalise. My current guy is Kenyan Indian, South Asians have a hard working reputation so the same issue doesn't come up at all (I'm white).

[Coup La-La]

....A lot of young folks who now live in this culture that shoves tolerance down everyone's throats, are used to thinking that everyone else should feel the way they do.

 

Well, not everyone does. Such is life.

 

My number #1 rule in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. It works for me.

 

America has been shoving lack of tolerance down everyone's through for 400 years, what we have now is a very weak attempt to make up for that. And If black people in America only dated women that came from tolerant families, we would have even fewer options than we do now

[Arabella]

My SO is Chinese, and I'm white. He's told me before that many Chinese people (immigrants from the mainland mostly) have a huge problem with black people, but not with other races.

 

His family never had a problem with me being white (Spanish). One of his cousins dates an Indian guy, and another married an Italian guy. It's apparently just a problem with black people. He couldn't really tell me the reason for this.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Arabella

[soccerrprp]

The suspicion and animosity towards blacks in particular are very American. There is a lot of contempt and disdain for blacks b/c our history (USA) has largely created a mult-class system largely around race. Our history of slavery, the FORCED relinquishment of said institution by government and war and the civil rights era laws have painted blacks as having less motivation, intelligence, etc. It's amazing just how ignorant immigrants and current Americans in general are of the continued social and economic consequences of slavery and racism in this country. People have this false notion that every has the same opportunities, but that has not been nor is it today true.

 

There's been quite a long history of eugenic quasi-science in the USA and many Americans believe some of them to this day. All in all, they're simply bigots.

 

OP, you can't do much about how others think, just you. Date whom you like, but know that these kinds of behavior and feelings will exist. You can't change them, but you can make the conscious decision to be the best that you can be and date whom you like.

[Quiet Storm]

My husband is black. We've been together 22 years and have 3 kids. I'm mostly white (heritage Irish & Cherokee).

 

The fact is, racism exists. Even in a very liberal and diverse state like mine (md).

 

In my sitatuon, I come from a poor white Baltimore neighborhood. My dad is a typical city boy, and had issues with drugs and crime. My mom was codependent. My husbands family was very financially secure, his dad was retired air force and worked at nsa. So his black family was more educated and well off than my white one. And people in my family still had issues! I have to say though, its amazing how mixed grandbabies have the ability to evaporate any lingering racist beliefs. It's slowly changing.

 

If you want to date interracially, you will have to accept that there are people out there like this. You will have to find a woman like me, one that doesn't care if people judge her. She will be judged, as I am. She will have to be able to deal with that. I surround my family with people that don't think like this. The feelings of superiority that some people have is just pure ridiculousness, and I will not subject my kids to it. Luckily I live in a very diverse area with many mixed families.

 

Some readers are judging me right now because I married a black guy. I may be assumed to be on welfare, fat, ugly, uneducated, have daddy issues, crazy etc. None of which are true, but that's just the way it is. It's unfair, but reality nonetheless.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[crederer]

It does go both ways. My buddy is white, he married a black girl. The men in the family seemed to like him but her female relatives and female friends had a hard time with it. Some even threatened to not show up to the wedding but she was like "it's my life, if you have a problem with it then don't come".

 

My brother has been with a black girl for about 6 or 7 years and her family all loves and think he's great so......

 

How old is this girl? She should probably be old enough to make this decision on her own.

[Coup La-La]

...In my sitatuon, I come from a poor white Baltimore neighborhood. My dad is a typical city boy, and had issues with drugs and crime. My mom was codependent. My husbands family was very financially secure, his dad was retired air force and worked at nsa. So his black family was more educated and well off than my white one. And people in my family still had issues! I have to say though, its amazing how mixed grandbabies have the ability to evaporate any lingering racist beliefs. It's slowly changing.

 

If you want to date interracially, you will have to accept that there are people out there like this. You will have to find a woman like me, one that doesn't care if people judge her. She will be judged, as I am. She will have to be able to deal with that. I surround my family with people that don't think like this. The feelings of superiority that some people have is just pure ridiculousness, and I will not subject my kids to it. Luckily I live in a very diverse area with many mixed families.

 

I totally understand what you mean, her family is the same way. Her grandparents only had a 6th grade education, whereas EVERYBODY in my family has higher education, even those that were alive before slavery ended, yet somehow they are superior to me (WTF).

 

I appreciate you words, but they do make me feel a bit sad :-( because you're basically saying that I need to work harder to acquire what I already have (a women that I madly love). That on top of the fact that my white friends can date all the Asian and Hispanic women they want without any problems.

[Coup La-La]

How old is this girl? She should probably be old enough to make this decision on her own.

 

How old is she? 33 (no that's NOT a typo).

[Dark_history]

I totally understand what you mean, her family is the same way. Her grandparents only had a 6th grade education, whereas EVERYBODY in my family has higher education, even those that were alive before slavery ended, yet somehow they are superior to me (WTF).

 

I appreciate you words, but they do make me feel a bit sad :-( because you're basically saying that I need to work harder to acquire what I already have (a women that I madly love). That on top of the fact that my white friends can date all the Asian and Hispanic women they want without any problems.

 

Unfortunately that is life as it is right now, and no one ever said it would be fair. It isn't just with race either, social status, income and such are factors people see to judge others.

 

I completely understand how you feel, my wife is black and I am hispanic. Her family accepted me for who I was, but I think that the fact my wife always dated out of her race made them use to the fact. She had told me of issues she had before but was no longer the case.

 

The issue came from my family. They were always "concern" about me dating her, feeling I was being used or whatever other nonsense they could come up. It had gotten to the point to where my wife and my parents got into a huge arguement, with them wanting nothing to do with one another. My wife had saidnshe would not hold me from my family and seeing them, but she wanted nothing to do with them.

 

At this point we had a 2 year old and this was my parent's main concern, whether they would be able to see him still. Not the fact of the arguement, the disrespect shown, or any of it. They wantex to sweep the whole thing under the rug and pretend it never happened, because they thought they were right.

 

I made the decision at this point to cut all ties to them because of this. They were venom to my marriage, having shown disrespect to my wife, both in front of her and behind her back.

 

Yes it sucks, it is unfair, and it is life. You will encounter this a lot unfortunately, and all I can really say is to keep moving forward, people will always try to bring you down, but you are the one in contol of how you let it affect you.

[MrCastle]

Good, bad or ugly, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. A lot of young folks who now live in this culture that shoves tolerance down everyone's throats, are used to thinking that everyone else should feel the way they do.

 

Well, not everyone does. Such is life.

 

My number #1 rule in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. It works for me.

 

This is such a dark and warped view I hope to never meet someone who believes it in real life.

[Coup La-La]

 

Yes it sucks, it is unfair, and it is life. You will encounter this a lot unfortunately, and all I can really say is to keep moving forward, people will always try to bring you down, but you are the one in contol of how you let it affect you.

 

saying that "this is life" is Essentially saying is that the game is rigged, and There's no real "moving forward" when the game is rigged.

 

Even if I end up marrying a woman that I love I'll always have the thought in the back of my head "is this person my 'soul mate' or is the person who's really perfect for me unable or unwilling to be with me because of racial issues.

 

Things like this make me wonder why black people don't suffer from depression more.

[Emilia]

Well in the UK black & white interracial dating is the most common, I presume because other races can be more conservative. I think attitudes are changing, largely as black communities settle in their hosting countries better, have access to education, etc. I don't think it's a lost cause, far from it.

[myothernic2]

saying that "this is life" is Essentially saying is that the game is rigged, and There's no real "moving forward" when the game is rigged.

 

Even if I end up marrying a woman that I love I'll always have the thought in the back of my head "is this person my 'soul mate' or is the person who's really perfect for me unable or unwilling to be with me because of racial issues.

 

Things like this make me wonder why black people don't suffer from depression more.

 

I would think most black people are too mentally strong to go into depression over someone convincing themselves that they're inferior over something that's completely out of their control.

[Mascara]

I come from a part of the UK that is quite ethnically diverse (not London, I just live there now), and interracial relationships don't really raise eyebrows. Or maybe they do and I just haven't noticed it because my (fairly large) family is quite diverse - I've dated or am open to dating any race, my brother's ex-wife was black and my sisters husband is Indian Asian.

[Quiet Storm]

saying that "this is life" is Essentially saying is that the game is rigged, and There's no real "moving forward" when the game is rigged.

 

Even if I end up marrying a woman that I love I'll always have the thought in the back of my head "is this person my 'soul mate' or is the person who's really perfect for me unable or unwilling to be with me because of racial issues.

 

Things like this make me wonder why black people don't suffer from depression more.

 

The person who is perfect for you will be willing to be with you regardless of racial issues. A person who allows the racial opinions of others to influence their choice to be with you could never be your soulmate. I can't believe you would even consider someone that acts ashamed of you.

 

Due to my interracial marriage, over the years, lots of coworkers and aquaintences have shared their secret relationships with black men. It's crazy how many! But these women are not any black man's long lost soumate. They are just weak women that couldn't stand up for themselves, or they are racist themselves. Don't ever be with someone who behaves as if they are ashamed of you, even if their mouth says otherwise.

 

You can't change people, so don't waste time on women that aren't willing to stand up for what they believe in. If she hides you, it means she doesn't see the value of fighting for you. You deserve better.

 

Black people get depressed, but there is a stigma in the commumity that depression=weakness, so they are much less likely to seek treatment. Like many depressed whites, they often self medicate with alcohol instead of mental health care.

Edited October 30, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Mrlonelyone]

The person who is perfect for you will be willing to be with you regardless of racial issues. A person who allows the racial opinions of others to influence their choice to be with you could never be your soulmate. I can't believe you would even consider someone that acts ashamed of you.

 

Due to my interracial marriage, over the years, lots of coworkers and aquaintences have shared their secret relationships with black men. It's crazy how many! But these women are not any black man's long lost soumate. They are just weak women that couldn't stand up for themselves, or they are racist themselves. Don't ever be with someone who behaves as if they are ashamed of you, even if their mouth says otherwise.

 

You can't change people, so don't waste time on women that aren't willing to stand up for what they believe in. If she hides you, it means she doesn't see the value of fighting for you. You deserve better.

 

Black people get depressed, but there is a stigma in the commumity that depression=weakness, so they are much less likely to seek treatment. Like many depressed whites, they often self medicate with alcohol instead of mental health care.

 

 

This so much OP.

 

 

 

 

I was mixed up with a young white woman. A big red flag was that she would act one way in front of one set of people, and another in front of a different set.

 

 

When it comes to relationships between black people, and people who at least think they are white, this is always an issue.

[Dark_history]

The person who is perfect for you will be willing to be with you regardless of racial issues. A person who allows the racial opinions of others to influence their choice to be with you could never be your soulmate. I can't believe you would even consider someone that acts ashamed of you.

 

Due to my interracial marriage, over the years, lots of coworkers and aquaintences have shared their secret relationships with black men. It's crazy how many! But these women are not any black man's long lost soumate. They are just weak women that couldn't stand up for themselves, or they are racist themselves. Don't ever be with someone who behaves as if they are ashamed of you, even if their mouth says otherwise.

 

You can't change people, so don't waste time on women that aren't willing to stand up for what they believe in. If she hides you, it means she doesn't see the value of fighting for you. You deserve better.

 

Black people get depressed, but there is a stigma in the commumity that depression=weakness, so they are much less likely to seek treatment. Like many depressed whites, they often self medicate with alcohol instead of mental health care.

 

Completely agree and this was the point I was making in my post.

 

For someone to be willing to put aside their own parents as I did for their SO is huge and not easy at all. I knew that what was important was to stand by my wife's side, and any type of racial or negative comments towards her did not affect me to hurt our relationship. If anything it backfired on the people saying it by being put in their place.