Baubles Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 well, after having split my my ex 7 months ago- and gone out on LOTS of dates since..(some before I was ready)...I have gone on 7 consecutive dates with one guy (a record for me these last 7 months- usually I try to end it before it begins). I need some help in not botching this. I even read a book "Dating for Dummies" right before my first date w/ this guy- sounds silly, but actually got me this far. I'd been making the same mistakes over and over, talking about exs, asking about relationships in general, being insecure, etc... Over a span of 2.5 weeks we've been out 7 times...guy is great (hot, which I don't dare say makes me feel a lil like he's out of my league- but I give myself a good pat on the back for not TELLING him this! , smart, pet lover, romantic, kind, athletic...just a great guy. This weekend he was even quizing me what I wanted for Christmas and mentioning places he'd like to go w/ me to in the future. Prior to dating, we'd been e-mailing each other for 2 weeks. Here's the thing...I've done everything "right" up til now...I feel the insecurity kicking in- why...I met this guy on an internet dating site. Now, I have fallen into this trap before...part of the excessive insecurity probably comes from my ex cheating on me...but still.... I noticed he hadn't checked his dating sites in 2 weeks, then on Thurs and Friday he checked them both...we had gone out Wed and he had made plans for this fri and sat (at his request)...I freaked...on Wed. I had asked if he was seeing anyone, b/c I wasn't sure I could cotinue to see him if he was (things had gotten a lil hot and heavy in the kissing dept.)- that it was w/in his rights, but I would be uncomfortable and wouldn't want that. He said he wasn't dating anyone other than me and didn't want to. He said i could date others if I wanted to, but if that was the case- then we could try to work on being good friends and not dating. I took that as an exclusive "talk". I never brought it up again, b/c really it's just words...saying they are only w/ you doesn't make it so now or in the future, I've learned that. So...yes, blame it on my essential lack of trust...I guess I checked b/c I figured he probably took it down though or still hadn't checked and wanted that lil signal of things progressing. Instead he had checked ..I e-mailed him and said I thought he wasn't looking and here he was checking a site- he wrote back saying he was not active on it (it's yahoo- perhaps he had just read someone's e-mail) and that he didn't pay for those sites anymore...then 15 mins later- he's online on another one...I cannot believe it! I say since he's online on another site- that sums it up! He calls me at work, says he was just checking if he was being charged...that's why I saw him on it...he says he's not looking and doesn't want to date others, I say it's a simple thing to hide a profile, he sighs (sounds irritated) and says if that's what he has to do- I say don't bother, it's obvious from his tone he doesn't want to- or he would have, just don't lie to me and think I'm dumb. He seems to not understand what I am saying (or playing dumb)...so...he says all is great and he hopes we're still on... So...I drop it...see him fri and sat- all is lovely, he's great, fun, happy, sexy.... So...what do I do...he calls tonight and I act a lil insecure...prior to this...I never asked when we would see each other, never made the dates- nothing...now I feel insecure not knowing when we'll see each other...he said he wanted to do something this week- I suggest thurs or fri- he said great. I apologized for being a lil "off" that I thought he wasn't as interested in me as before (yes I know...), he seemed confused and then apologized to me- he didn't know I felt that way and he would make more of an effort to show more interest. Quite a silly conversation , don't know what came over me- just TRYING to mess it up I guess! He then said he'd call in the next day or 2. He's been great- calling every day or every other day- we've seen each other no less than 2x a week...just that profile being up...it bothers me. I know I neeed to step back or date others (I just cannot bring myself to seriously date more than 1 person at a time- it's too confusing to me)....but I'm hesitant to keep seeing the guy feeling this way- if he's looking. I hear this is common w/ guys- they just "look" but still...am I setting myself up here or is this common? Any persepctive on how to deal w/ this better (other than not to look- which I cannot stop myself from doing!) Thanks!
canadiansunshine Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 As women, it is often difficult for us to overcome our insecurities and negative past experiences. First of all with regard to cheating: "The past does not equal the present." Rather than assume anyone will cheat on you, instead think of your self as deserving to be treated with respect and loyalty. It sounds as though your friend is already doing his best to make you feel comfortable and reassure you, which is a good indicator of his character. Just because he has an online ad or is still receiving mail from other women, don't be intimidated by it. Instead make him feel lucky to be with you, by not letting it bother you. He needs to know that you are too busy leading your own interesting life to be bothered by what he is or isn't doing. Don't be too needy or too available or pry into his private life. He will open up willingly and share far more when it is on his terms and in his own time. In the beginning he might accommodate you but eventually he may start to get frustrated, resentful and become withdrawn. Remember if you want something you need to also give it. If you want him to trust you, then trust him as well. We can not control what other people do. We will gain far more satisfaction by observing and correcting our own behaviour and focusing on making ourself a better person. This title is very misleading but i recommend reading this book: "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1580627560/104-8488427-3489520?v=glance It will give you so many tips on how to help you overcome some of your insecurities. It is most important to reflect inward and try to resolve some of the underlying issues before they affect your relationship. It appears that you are already in the proccess of doing so. Good Luck and Best Wishes!!
tyger69 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 I read your story and it sounded so familiar to me. I met my previous relation as well through an internet dating site. I have also come across the same situation where I found out he was still online or looking around. My relationship has lasted on and off for a year and I have never been so insecure in my life before as that year with him. I have broke up with him a couple of weeks ago and have come to the conclusion that this is NOT the right feeling you should have being in a relation. If he is fond of you, he should simply hide his profile for the time being and eventually remove it. If things don't work out, he could simply subscribe again. Truelly I think that if things do not "feel well" then that instinctively tells you it is wrong... I wish you lots of success and truely hope you will get your good feeling and trust back again! Tyger
Queen B Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 The basic rule of juggling more than one person is not to let anyone monoplize your time, especially weekends. Since this guy seems to be spending a lot of time with you, I'd say you're pretty safe. Furthermore he says he's not looking to date other people how much more clear does it get? Like canadiansunshine alluded to, just because one guy cheated doesn't mean that they all will. If this guy is as great as you say you have nothing to worry about. Constantly harping about the online account may be a good way for you to ruin the good thing that you have going.
SoleMate Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I don't think it's reasonable to expect exclusivity unless you agree on it explicitly. You had a little talk, but didn't really get full closure. I'd try again, and be much more clear about what I could live with and what I couldn't, including "take down your profile", "don't visit those sites", "don't date other women". If he agrees, great. Isn't 2-1/2 weeks awfully soon to be exclusive, though? You're just getting to know each other, so I'm not surprised he is hedging his bets by continuing to look around. However, he is definitely a creep for lying to you about this.
Author Baubles Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Thank you all for your responses. I've been thinking about this since last night and still not sure what to do. Only thing I have done is reactivated my profiles...after all his are active (even though he claims he's not paying)- doesn't mean he isn't reciving e-mail from women or searching. Yes, 2.5 weeks probably is a lil soon for exclusivity, but I knew what my comfort zone and i figured the weekend might lend itself to some intimacy and I wanted to back off if he was looking around. I explicitly asked and he said he wasn't active and played dumb...insisting he wasn't looking (his profile is up on 3 sites I know of). All he had to say was it was too early for that...instead he said the opposite told me not only was he not dating anyone else, he wasn't looking and he wasn't like that. Now, this has caused probs for me before w/ other 1 or 2 date men- who liked to claim afterwards- they were just bored, that's why they were looking on the sites. Well, this guy knew how I felt...last ngiht he called, we talked he thinks everything is great - sets up another date. Today I notice his yahoo account showed him active...maybe he just opened a letter from a personal, but STILL- the guy knows how I feel about this and just doesn't care- he could have easily hid his profile. So...still mixed on feelings...I left a watch at his place (nice one) so I think I have to play nice til next date to get it back. In the interim, I reactivated my profiles and am looking myself. I think I'm getting played...sigh..no wonder the guy seemed to good to be true. Again, 2.5 weeks is early, I was amazed I held off that long...but I don't appreciate being what appears to be lied to. Don't know, maybe I just need to back off and try to set up other dates. Weird thing is when I had this talk w/ the guy about if he was dating anyone- he said he'd been shy about talking about us since he was worried he'd jinx things...and he's worried if he admits to himself he really likes me then I won't like him back. What? At the time I thought it seemed sweet and endearing...now I think it's some kind of line. Don't know. Yes, ordered the book today- thanks! I need all the help I can get.
tyger69 Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I can understand your concerns and worries... jee, I have been having the same situation for a year and it took me a long time to decide on it. For this first time since years I thought I'd met someone who is such a perfect match to me. He also lied constantly about being online, or said that he was just checking his emails (why???). I don't think it has anything to do with the length of your "relation", it has to do with the lying and not being fair. I think for most people it has got into an addiction. You get so much attention, without doing much effort for it really. It doesn't necessarily mean that he is not interested in you, he simply needs to get loose of it. But there is also you. How do you get along with it? You are activating your own account now.... but does that make you happy? He will never judge you on that, because he claims he is never online. So there you are again, men react on you, but you are actually not looking for someone else. I think you should be fair with him. Tell him you understand it might be an addiction or a bore for him to sometimes check his email or the site, but let him know what that does to you. It is still a young relation, but that will be the basis of the rest to come. If he still continues lying about it, or plays stupid, please make sure you get away from this relation. And I hope I can say this to you, because I have been there.... Take care!
Author Baubles Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Thank you all for your replies. I have decided to do...nothing...for the immediate time being...after all is has only been 7 dates / 3 weeks...it is at the back of my mind...there is something to be said about these sites being a source of addiction or flattery for men...just to get e-mails...I don't know...I don't like him lying and I think he should have taken it down since he insisted he wasn't lying...but I think it is too soon for me to be forcing it...this has been the only disagreement we've had to date. As one poster mentioned, harping on it may make me seem pretty unpleasant. Then again, I cannot live w/ this...I think I'll give it a week and see if he takes it down on his own (which I doubt)...I'm just preparing myself on it- if not, I'm going to insist he does if we are to continue seeing each other- it makes me too uncomfortable. Besides, he's been seeing me 2-3x a week and on weekends ... if he's been looking, he hasn't found anything... I'll try not to act hastily and give it a lil time. THanks!!!
GirlDown Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 try to think of it this way...and this is just a comparison, a hypothetical situation (i do not think you are a stalker, in other words!) you're looking at his profiles, daily, probably more than once. you may see this as protecting yourself from getting hurt, and also just for curiosity. he may see it as stalking. he has his profiles up, still reads messages, still 'active', whatever. this may be, to him, curiosity. you see it as a red flag that he is going to play you. in other words, you know you are not stalking him, but it could be interpreted that way. he may know he's not playing you, but you see it that way. it's all a matter of interpretation. we believe things the way we see them, and tend to disregard the other people's motives. give him a chance. instead of getting angry about it, tell him how it makes you feel...calmly. if it seems that he is purposely disregarding your feelings, then lose him. but i think for now, this early, you're okay. there are so many possiblities to consider. it could be that he is still there because he did meet someone and has been talking to them. he may be telling that person he met a real-life girl and is no longer interested. you never know. don't jump the gun. i'm sorry that someone put you in the position to have such trust issues, but this could be a good thing. good luck to you. keep us posted!
Author Baubles Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 well, he took them down all but one and I'm not sure he realizes he got to that one (hasn't been checked in a week)- I told him to take his time- and he said to let him know if he missed any! I didn't intend on talking about it- he called...and we started discussing when to see each other- he wanted to see me thurs and I thought hmm..does this mean not fri and ran w/ it...sigh...he asked if I was mad at him...i said the profile thing still bothered me, we had discussed it and I was surprised after this weekend that they were still up...he could keep them up but he and I would not progress and would only see each other now and then...I couldn't see him this weekend if they were still up- it hurt my feelings too much. Surprisingly, he apologized, said he was scared to go online to figure out how to take them down b/c I'd see he was online on them and get mad at him...maybe a half-truth...anyway, he did make a comment about what about giving him the benefit of the doubt (point taken)- but I calmly just said it hurt my feelings. He apologized. he said he wasn't looking, they were just silly things and he wasn't getting any responses...who knows... In short, thanks everyone for their replies- I had to think long about what I could live w/...I couldn't live w/ these profiles seeing someone 2-3x a week and being intimate w/ them...at the same time the advice helped me from being completely whacko and just telling him off and cutting of contact (which would have been my original inclination)- we've made plans for fri and he insisted on sat also...I just hope I haven't blown it by talking it to death.
SoleMate Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 God on ya girl! You didn't freak out, you just made your own decisions and then made a calm and reasonable request to see if he could meet your needs. And it appears (for the moment) as if he can. I'd still keep him a ways away until you observe a consistent pattern of trustworthy behavior though.
cyberbabie30 Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Hi, I was in a simular situation, Only the guy i was going with asked me to be exclusive with him back in oct 03 I found out about him on dating sites in mar of 04. And yes they are still active as of today. I have since broke it off with him in sept 04 due to the fact that i found out he was in fact meeting other women from the sites and hanging out with and ex on top of it, and he also told me that he wasnt with anyone else, He also gave me the same old story that they werent active but i saw they were. I tried to give it time to see if things would change but they didnt. so I started going out and meeting other men for dinner. I figured what was good for the goose is good for the gander. I also found out that he has been doing the dating sites for 5-6 years while in relationships with past girlfriends. Its your choice to date him but leave your options open like i decided to do when i was with mine. I just got to the point that if he really wanted to be exclusive with me like he said. Then he would of gotten rid of the adds, I do hear from him still once in a blue moon but i decided to not have any contact with him. I will admit i do miss him but i just cant be with someone who lies to me all the time.
Recommended Posts