spearit Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Long story short: we dated for 6 months, she broke up with me about a month ago because she said she can't do a relationship right now due to depression and not having her life together at all. Shortly after she started hooking up with one of her exes (and I was rebounding as well). Well a few weeks go by limited/no contact, and we finally talk. We wind up talking a while, one thing leads to another and we wind up making out. She winds up ending it with the person she was seeing again, tells me she still has feelings for me, things progress over some days and we wind up sleeping together a few times. She says she loves me, but she doesn't want a label, however wants us to be exclusive (which is sort of how we started...) and she has been all about me again a lot. I'm so conflicted. On one hand, i'm completely and utterly terrified, and I feel like "hey you broke up with me, i'm not going to be your plan b". However I'm starting to feel like he was more of a rebound, because she ended it after we hooked up, and I guess I can't really hold it against her (even though it hurts) because she was technically single and I also hooked up with other girls. But I'm just so terrified of getting hurt again. So loveshack, am I a complete idiot for getting back together? This girl is kind of unstable in a lot of aspects of life and is working to get it better, but I'm so scared of being emotionally hurt again (which isn't good for someone who already has abandonment issues). How can I ease into this slowly without getting TOO emotionally attached?
MoooOinkBaaa Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 You're getting used. That's why she doesn't want a label because she doesn't want to be your "girlfriend" but wants all the benefits, i.e using you. Go NC and tell her you won't be a backup plan.
r321148 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 No you're not an idiot for wanting to get back with her. If you feel strongly enough for her and can forgive how she treated you then there is no reason it won't work when she is in a better place for a relationship. I don't think that time is now though. My problem with what you've written is that I don't think it's been long enough. The problems that existed before will still be there. Your priority at the moment should be you. If she is still working through issues then you are running the risk of being hurt again. The basis for happy relationships is people being happy with themselves first. If she isn't then you need to be careful for your own sake as people often take their own insecurities out on those closest to them. I wouldn't say that it sounds like she's using you. From what you've written she is confused, unstable and doesn't have a clue what she wants. This is a bad basis for a relationship but is different to being used. Maybe you need to give her more time to work through things before giving this another go. You can also use this time to work on yourself and your own abandonment issues. Good luck with it 1
Author spearit Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Forgive me for my blindness (and I'm being completely serious, being in these types of situations make you completely oblivious to the most obvious things) so if my question sounds dumb, my bad. If she wanted to be back as an "official" item, would it change anything? I was thinking of talking to her about that, but on one hand as well, I ALSO don't feel like rushing back into a label because I feel like that's taking it a little too fast, and I'd be opening myself up too quickly. I feel like that if she DID want to jump back into a label immediately, I'd be scared off completely (and I think she's scared as well). But I also feel like I'm compromising something as well. What doesn't make sense to me is the whole exclusive thing. I don't doubt that she actually does love me, I do believe she does. I also believe she just doesn't have any clue of what she wants long term. Us getting back was definitely not planned, it just sort of "happened". Honestly I've dated many girls, and I NEVER in the past tried to make it work with an ex or anything remotely similar. I almost feel like it would be reactionary for me to end things right now based on fears and not the current present moment, but I'm also terrified history will repeat itself. EDIT: r321148 I think you completely nailed it. I read your response after I posted this. I feel like she's more confused and unstable than trying to use me. I'm not saying that's a better spot for a relationship, but I don't think used is the right term. It's tough, I truly do feel like I'm playing with fire, and if I care about her and things are progressing, does it make sense to extinguish it now for fear of being burned later? Edited October 28, 2013 by spearit
r321148 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I wouldn't be extinguishing it now either... There seems to be little point in burning your bridges. You seem to be fairly sure she has feelings for you so I'd trust that instinct. However, like I said in the previous it really hasn't been very long and I don't think all of her issues will have disappeared in such a short time. I'd be taking this very slowly and being careful here. If she wanted to be back as an "official" item, would it change anything? I'd say no it doesn't change anything. It's still too soon and she is still liable to change again until she's worked through her issues. You need a solid basis for a relationship and that starts with being happy with yourself. There's no reason it can't work in time, I just don't think that time is now.
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