aybc123 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 So as part of my recovery i've been dating again for the last 4 weeks. I guess i've probably been on dates with 5 people now and at the moment that has been whittled down to one that i've now seen 4-5 times. Sounds great right, first of all not to toot my own horn but *parp* i think i could've pursued a relationship with any of these girls and been successful so people being interested in me has been an ego boost but... It's just been making me feel worse, every date i go on i enjoy at the time but then afterwards i just think about my ex and feel awful, that they aren't her and i'll never find anyone i love as much. Im realising quite how rare it is to find someone who you click and have a spark with, even the girl ive seen several times now i just kind of like but am not sure it will go anywhere, so on top of everything else im now feeling guilty about that and will most likely have to break it off with her (i'm really not into just being with someone for the sake of it). Have i just started dating too soon? or does dating always set us back when its not the right person until we meet one who is and then all is well? We broke up early july relatively mutually but my heartbreak only really started early september when she started seeing someone else and blanked me. Im considering just taking the holidays off and getting back out there in the new year.
jba10582 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I have been doing a lot of online dating and it definitely feels emptier than someone you are lot more familiar with. I have recently been going back to my hometown and other places I am familiar with (thought it would bring back memory triggers of my old relationship, but it was easier than I thought...guess I had prior memories before I met them that was easier than my current town). In fact I believe it helps me more to spend time with old and familiar friends and re-joining their social circle in what feels like a transition period or something that seemed to occur in a similar manner before meeting my ex.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Sounds like it's too soon. I have gone through 3 separate dating phases (1 girl, then 2 girls, then 1 girl) in the last 5 or so months. I finally decided to wait a while longer as I am just not ready. Don't even know what I want right now Remember, it's not a race. Do what works for you and don't worry about what anyone else is doing, especially the ex!!
Philosoraptor Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Yes, if you feel bad afterwards then you're not ready yet. You're still going into things with comparisons and expectations. It will continue to hurt until you can start going into dates just looking to get to know the person and to have a good time. After the comparisons and expectations end.
Transplant Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I agree it may be too early. I tried doing this two and a half months after the breakup and felt like garbage after. This girl innocently asked me to lunch and then for a fall walk and there was attraction and hand-holding, etc.- it felt great at the time because it was spontaneous and unexpected but this girl and I could have had everything in common and could have been severely attracted to one another but I just wasn't ready. I didn't think of my ex during this but afterwards the ex came to mind with gusto...take your time, no rush - we all handle our grief and loss differently and I'm still grieving a relationship that is dead and a woman I love that is still very much alive...my old academic advisor told me, 'Forget the adage of 'there's many more fish in the sea' right now. You do not need to be fishing; it's too tedious, at least at this time.'
Mariposa10 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hmm, perhaps you haven't found anybody who really really catches your attention? I remember reading about your breakup the first time. Right after you broke up with your girlfriend you started dating a girl you were interested in, right? What do you think is different now? Is it because now you feel like you really loved your ex? I'm curious.
carhill Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Have i just started dating too soon? It sounds like, yeah, you're not ready yet or does dating always set us back when its not the right person until we meet one who is and then all is well? Different for each person but 'right' is where your emotional state and timing match up with a compatible person, IMO. We broke up early july relatively mutually but my heartbreak only really started early september when she started seeing someone else and blanked me. Still early times if you had been together a long time, IMO Im considering just taking the holidays off and getting back out there in the new year. Sounds good to me. I recall, after my exW and I split up, I started attempting to date about six months later and felt pretty neutral about the whole deal; not depressed nor inspired. Since then, I've felt no marked need/desire for female companionship of the romantic type so have focused on divorce recovery and interacting with friends, both male and female. YMMV>
Author aybc123 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) I agree it may be too early. I tried doing this two and a half months after the breakup and felt like garbage after. This girl innocently asked me to lunch and then for a fall walk and there was attraction and hand-holding, etc.- it felt great at the time because it was spontaneous and unexpected but this girl and I could have had everything in common and could have been severely attracted to one another but I just wasn't ready. I didn't think of my ex during this but afterwards the ex came to mind with gusto...take your time, no rush - we all handle our grief and loss differently and I'm still grieving a relationship that is dead and a woman I love that is still very much alive...my old academic advisor told me, 'Forget the adage of 'there's many more fish in the sea' right now. You do not need to be fishing; it's too tedious, at least at this time.' This describes it almost perfectly, i genuinely enjoy the dates when im on them and dont even think about my ex and there's been something there with a few but as soon as I get home I just feel like i get hit by a mac truck of emotions. Hmm, perhaps you haven't found anybody who really really catches your attention? I remember reading about your breakup the first time. Right after you broke up with your girlfriend you started dating a girl you were interested in, right? What do you think is different now? Is it because now you feel like you really loved your ex? I'm curious. The first point is probably true, but ive dated people who i wasnt sure about or that into before and doing so didnt make me want the world to collapse in on itself afterwards. It was a couple of months after I broke up with her the first time around, so i guess the timescale is similar. I suppose I actually knew i liked the girl i started dating the first time around to start with. But mainly it's because when I broke up with her it was because I was confidant it was the right thing to do and Im not sure if i loved her then, i guess it was the typical i love her but am not in love with her thing. Whereas for the last year or so and the 18 months before we broke up the first time i was very certain that i loved her. It isn't that shes seeing someone else now too though, i remember i thought she was seeing someone else last time as well, who was actually a mutual friend and i wasnt too bothered. Nor is it because i know shes over me now and doesnt want me anymore, she was a pretty closed book after we broke up putting on a happy face and i was convinced she'd moved on then too, so yeah i guess it's just that now i love her very much and see us not being together as a mistake whereas before i didn't. I wish i was back in that mindset. It's kind of funny to think how our positions are pretty much opposite to how they were a year ago. Cannot wait for things to balance out to neutral again. Anyway thanks for the advice guys, i think im probably going to call things off with this last girl and just take a couple more months to heal up. Edited October 28, 2013 by aybc123
sambo77 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I haven't even tried to date. All I can say is that even the thought of it fills me with a cocktail of highly uncomfortable, unpleasant emotions. Yuck. I have recently realised that I find my attention is at least occasionally drawn to cute girls again. But beyond noticing them, I got no desire. For me, "dating" is done with an intention to check out the chances of developing some sort of "romantic" connection with the person, whether that be purely sexual, or a deeper, more emotional connection that could lead to love. Right now, if I'm honest, I am still sexually and emotionally totally attached to my ex. Heck, I even struggle to jerk off to images of other women like I used to...euuuchhh. I'm celibate right now. Flatlined. My entire neurological system seems hooked on the ex. Guess I'm in the throes of classic withdrawal from an addictive substance. While I'm feeling like this, dating is quite frankly less appealing than suicide. I simply cannot switch off the attachment I have to my ex. And while it's still here I can't compartmentalise it so that I'm free to love others WHILE I still love her. I think others can though. I must be very much a one woman man. Until I no longer love her I prefer to socialise platonically. Dating isn't platonic to me, so I see no point. Having said all that though, I do feel an internal yearning for someone who will love me, hold me, and emotionally connect with me. I yearn for that, YET I'm nowhere near ready to look for it, develop it, or sustain it if I were lucky enough to find it.
sambo77 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 And I also don't want to BELIEVE that dating with a genuine desire to find love so soon after a BU is as easy as that. I almost don't wanna believe it because I don't wanna believe that SHE (who was dating again before we even ended) can replace me like I just replaced my razor. Quite frankly, accepting that possibility hurts me too much...and I prefer to defensively deny to myself that it's possible.
Author aybc123 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) And I also don't want to BELIEVE that dating with a genuine desire to find love so soon after a BU is as easy as that. I almost don't wanna believe it because I don't wanna believe that SHE (who was dating again before we even ended) can replace me like I just replaced my razor. Quite frankly, accepting that possibility hurts me too much...and I prefer to defensively deny to myself that it's possible. Actually the fact that she has moved on so fast and found someone else that she appears to want to be with gives me hope that I'll be able to do the same eventually. Likewise, i know i've moved on quickly before when i've been the person doing the breaking up, when it was with her even! I agree with aspiring, there isn't a 'one' for any of us, there are just better and worse matches and noone is completely irreplaceable. If i think about it logically the only reason i was with my ex was because she just happened to do a course in the same department as me, thought i was interesting and then we happened to be at the same party for her to make a move before she found someone else she was more interested in. It wasn't some grand romance, just chance that we happened to meet each other, be quite compatible personality wise and found each other attractive. That's thinking about it logically, and then there are these pesky feelings that DO tell me she's the person i'm meant to be with in life, but they're getting easier to ignore as days turn to weeks turn to months. Edited October 28, 2013 by aybc123
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I know what you mean , i actually would prefer i feel if i had sparks more than what i do.......in seven years since my break up i have had one......and i have had opportunities to date with guys who have sparks for me...its just not reciprocated...and i have no right to think i am special...i am nothing special...i am overweight.....i dont have a pretty face...i have big eyes and long eyelashes and have been told i have a bright smile there theres my positives....i have a pretty good personality pretty goofy and caring..i always listen..i can make peopel laugh when they are down ...i am proud of that...i just find it hard to date guys who i dont have a spark with.....i feel i am leading them on and then they fall in love....and i end up staying regardless of sparks......my first relationship i had no spark i stayed in it for three years would still be with him if he didnt cheat...i am loyal...... when i have a spark for someone...i cant date others at all because i would be constantly thinking about the guy i have a spark for .i wish this wasnt the case and i think i need to get out of my mindset......and i think dating others might be a way to transfer...what i feel....maybe it will be different for me this time and maybe i wasnt meant to be with someone who i have attraction to......i think you need to try ....its all you can do...........deb
Recommended Posts