My gf insulted me. Can't look at her the same way.

[AverageCat]

Why are you making such a big deal? It's just a stupid DRUNK question. If you are not gay, you shouldn't be worried about anyone asking that question. If this is an issue, you guys have lots of work ahead of you.

 

Again it's not about the word itself. It's the fact that she is taking it out on me. Trying to blame me for your drunk problems is not cool.

[Lansing]

I can relate to an extent. This one girl basically said she wondered if I was gay because I didn't want to sleep with her. I had been friends with her for a couple of years and she "confessed" her feelings for me and I rejected her. It just felt like she was purposely trying to insult/attack me because I rejected her and it kind of solidified my choice NOT to get involved with her. Well, especially the way she dealt with things after but that is another story.

 

I think you really need to move on though. If she has a way of insulting/attacking you in general re-consider the relationship but if it was one off, then she maybe said it in haste.

[stillafool]

Wow! I can understand her being insecure but why didn't she say "Is it me?" instead of asking you if you are gay. I can understand your hurt feelings especially if she has said this more than once. I'm not a guy, but the next time she asked me that I would throw it right back at her and say, "NO IT'S YOU!"

[Charlie Harper]

First congratulations on seeing she has a problem and if you can get a hard on its not the end of the world.

 

See, most women can fathom the fact that Male erections are not VOLUNTARY actions, and that we can't just say "mmm Ill get a hard on and walk a mile".

 

I was going to write a lot but Ill be direct and to the point:

 

RUN FOREST RUUUUUUNNNNN.

 

If you want to have a drama queen, a very insecure person that NEEDS TO BE SAVED AND REASSURED for the most stupid reasons, by all means, ruin your life.

 

Just think the exact opposite and tell me if it sounds normal or acceptable to you. You want to have sex because you have an erection so she need to comply no matter what, tell me what would she do? and then you tell her WHAT? are you a lesbian?....

 

Just think about it....

[StanMusial]

Just think the exact opposite and tell me if it sounds normal or acceptable to you. You want to have sex because you have an erection so she need to comply no matter what, tell me what would she do? and then you tell her WHAT? are you a lesbian?....

 

Just think about it....

 

I was thinking the same thing. It's not like she's going to comply EVERY SINGLE TIME you want some sex. Far from it most likely. Childish behavior, wouldn't bother with it.

[AverageCat]

Are you gay?

 

Do you think about it or experimenting with it?

 

I myself cant wrap my head around why this would bug you so much unless it pushed a button you don't want pushed?

 

Try to think it this way. If we were about to have sex and I couldn't get aroused by you... and then told you.

- "Why do you look like a ****ing man. You can't even get my dick up....", would you just be like "oh yeah a drunk comment, nbd".

[AverageCat]

Well I don't see whats wrong with her asking you that, she was just wondering why she doesn't turn you on and its perfectly acceptable to associate a guy not wanting to bang some chick that is all over him............with being gay.

 

If you are not, fine, if you are, fine.....nobody really cares one way or the other as long as you are happy.

 

Sounds like more your problem than hers.

 

It obviously was not a serious question. More like aimed at ridiculing and attacking my sexuality. We have had sex more times than I can count. If she is really wondering if I am gay, then maybe she shouldn't be with me at all.

[AverageCat]

First congratulations on seeing she has a problem and if you can get a hard on its not the end of the world.

 

See, most women can fathom the fact that Male erections are not VOLUNTARY actions, and that we can't just say "mmm Ill get a hard on and walk a mile".

 

I was going to write a lot but Ill be direct and to the point:

 

RUN FOREST RUUUUUUNNNNN.

 

If you want to have a drama queen, a very insecure person that NEEDS TO BE SAVED AND REASSURED for the most stupid reasons, by all means, ruin your life.

 

Just think the exact opposite and tell me if it sounds normal or acceptable to you. You want to have sex because you have an erection so she need to comply no matter what, tell me what would she do? and then you tell her WHAT? are you a lesbian?....

 

Just think about it....

 

Thanks. I just don't understand people who are telling me it's my problem.... Trying to justify her actions and finding reason and saying well "it maybe was one off" so not the end of the world. OK. But trying to say that One person attacking a Second is the Second's problem is just outside of my understanding.

[AverageCat]

You are right, its amazing the amount of women in this country that want to ridicule your sexuality while trying to fu*k your face off.

 

I am pretty certain shes not stupid and REALLY wondering if your gay while she is playing with your cock............................I really don't know what else anyone can say to you that that can paint this any clearer for you.

 

Do you get this mad when one of your friends says something like " man I am gonna kill you for doing that"!

 

I will let you in on a little secret......he probably isn't really going to kill you.....the same way this gal doesn't really think your gay........but now I am wondering...........nevermind J/K

 

 

What you said made no sense to me. I honestly don't know anyone who says "Man I'm going to kill you for doing that". (Civilized) people talk in a (civilized) manner. If I have a problem with someone, I go and tell them. "Man a, b and c, was not cool, for this and this reason". Telling someone you're gonna kill them is not a good way of communicating and is not used by anyone I know.

[ascendotum]

ask her if she is lesbian . hahhaahhahhahhah.

 

you know who you are.. dont let this effects you dude

 

^ This is my attitude as well. I totally get why such a stupid comment like that when you are having trouble when drunk would piss you off, but I would not let it get to me the same way it seems to have for you. Most guys would already be disappointed & annoyed at themselves for not getting a boner, and don't need a gf to give them **** over it....especially when you have good sex plenty of other times in the month.

Its appreciated about as much as telling your gf whenever she is in a bit of a crabby mood, 'its that time of the month again already is it'.

 

in the morning we talked a lot about it sober. We came to a conclusion that she was being like that because she was being insecure about a few things and her need to feel attractive. I basically told her that her being insecure (sometimes) is fine, being needy is OK... but to take that and try to push me down just from that is unacceptable. She kind of agreed.

You had a talk to her over it, and got to the underlying issue (her), which is great. The not good enough bit is "She kind of agreed" to not take it out on you in future.

[AMusing]

Dude, you are clearly only listening to people who are agreeing with you, so what's the point of your post? Clearly not to get different perspectives or try to get over your resentment towards your girlfriend. Although you'll dismiss them, here are my thoughts:

 

1-Crying all night because you couldn't keep an erection is crazy. She needs to get that **** under control.

2-You are not a therapist. It is not your job--or in your abilities--to get her to work through those issues. Talk to her about seeing a therapist, but don't play shrink to her.

3-A lot of (young/inexperienced) women feel personally insulted when the guy they're with loses an erection. We're raised to believe that guys can get hard at the drop of a hat, any time they want, unless they are actively repelled by the person trying to sleep with them. So when they're getting frisky and the guy loses his erection, they start to wonder what they've done wrong. Especially if it happens repeatedly. She'll grow out of that with more experience, more self-confidence, and more partners.

4-Getting the courage to ask the questions she was really was wondering--what's "wrong" with her, are you no longer attracted to her, etc--is very hard. Especially if she is as young as she sounds. She was trying to talk about the subject at hand, too scared to ask "what's up" directly, and too drunk to have a decent filter on what was coming out of her mouth. Give her a little patience here.

5-You know the subject bothers her; couldn't you have comforted her a bit when it happened, told her preemptively that it wasn't her, that she is beautiful, etc, before she got so worried she "lashed out"?

6-She shouldn't have asked if you were gay, especially if she knows how homophobic you are. But again, she was drunk and the filter was gone. Holding this against her is as unnecessarily dramatic and immature as her freaking out over your limp dick (and you don't have the drunk excuse).

7-Seriously, you are absurdly homophobic.

8-Bonus one here: people (yes, even civilized people) use hyperbole and euphemisms all the time. You're just disagreeing with Mike because he's not telling you what you want to hear.

[AverageCat]

^ This is my attitude as well. I totally get why such a stupid comment like that when you are having trouble when drunk would piss you off, but I would not let it get to me the same way it seems to have for you. Most guys would already be disappointed & annoyed at themselves for not getting a boner, and don't need a gf to give them **** over it....especially when you have good sex plenty of other times in the month.

Its appreciated about as much as telling your gf whenever she is in a bit of a crabby mood, 'its that time of the month again already is it'.

 

Agreed. But I do not tell her 'its that time of the month again already is it'. I think it's a pretty dickish move actually. I believe in empathy and good communication and so does she.

 

You had a talk to her over it, and got the underlying issue, which is great. The not good enough bit is "She kind of agreed" to not take it out on you in future.

 

Yep. I asked her many times on how we're going to compromise over this. She's said a few times, all I need to do in those cases is hug her and tell her "let's go to bed baby". But honestly that doesn't seem like a compromise at all. Seems like I should always be mindful of fixing the situation and not letting it get out of control and she should just do........ nothing.

[Shepp]

It is what it is, isn't it - she was feeling insecure maybe a little like she wasn't good enough so she took a swing at you...a metaphorical swing obviously!

 

Not acceptable obviously, butttt a deal breaker? Now I think your being a little insecure.

[AverageCat]

Dude, you are clearly only listening to people who are agreeing with you, so what's the point of your post? Clearly not to get different perspectives or try to get over your resentment towards your girlfriend. Although you'll dismiss them, here are my thoughts:

 

1-Crying all night because you couldn't keep an erection is crazy. She needs to get that **** under control.

2-You are not a therapist. It is not your job--or in your abilities--to get her to work through those issues. Talk to her about seeing a therapist, but don't play shrink to her.

3-A lot of (young/inexperienced) women feel personally insulted when the guy they're with loses an erection. We're raised to believe that guys can get hard at the drop of a hat, any time they want, unless they are actively repelled by the person trying to sleep with them. So when they're getting frisky and the guy loses his erection, they start to wonder what they've done wrong. Especially if it happens repeatedly. She'll grow out of that with more experience, more self-confidence, and more partners.

4-Getting the courage to ask the questions she was really was wondering--what's "wrong" with her, are you no longer attracted to her, etc--is very hard. Especially if she is as young as she sounds. She was trying to talk about the subject at hand, too scared to ask "what's up" directly, and too drunk to have a decent filter on what was coming out of her mouth. Give her a little patience here.

5-You know the subject bothers her; couldn't you have comforted her a bit when it happened, told her preemptively that it wasn't her, that she is beautiful, etc, before she got so worried she "lashed out"?

6-She shouldn't have asked if you were gay, especially if she knows how homophobic you are. But again, she was drunk and the filter was gone. Holding this against her is as unnecessarily dramatic and immature as her freaking out over your limp dick (and you don't have the drunk excuse).

7-Seriously, you are absurdly homophobic.

8-Bonus one here: people (yes, even civilized people) use hyperbole and euphemisms all the time. You're just disagreeing with Mike because he's not telling you what you want to hear.

 

Good post. I like to "constructively" argue points of views that go against mine, so I can come to a better understanding. I'm not simply disagreeing (I think). Everyone has their own opinions. Through argument we are seeking to better form our views no?

Also my problem is not that she called me gay. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

1. Agreed.

2. I know she won't see a therapist. I don't mind being her therapist from time to time.

3. I understand.

4. Patience you say? See this is my problem. My underlying problem. Not the fact that I was called gay. The fact that "I SHOULD BE PATIENT". "I SHOULD SOLVE PROBLEMS". Feels like she puts no effort in her problems but I should put a ton... Aren't they her problems. Shouldn't she at least put as much effort as me. If she's not being patient.. why should I?

5. Going back to number 4. Yes I could have. Yes you see if I want I can put a limitless amount of effort and solve all our problems. But what this situation made me ask myself is... do I really want to?

6. It's not even that she asked if I was gay. It was the manner in which she said it. It was implying. "Why are you so wrong", "What the **** is wrong with you".

7. Im honestly not homophobic. The point that she said gay doesn't matter at all. She could have said something like "Jesus christ you can't get it up again". And it would have been the same thing.

8. Yes people do that but not in a way and tonality to harm other people. What she said was done in a very malicious tone, trying to put blame and not being constructive. People who continuously try to make fun of other people to try to get some ego-boost are not people I respect.

 

Again tables reversed... if I couldnt get it up and asked her why does she look and smell like a ****ing man and blamed everything on her... would she have been OK?

[todreaminblue]

what she said was insensitive, dont let it worry you, you know you are not......its common with alcohol for guys to not be able to get it up,doesnt eman anything....ha ssoemoen said this to you before? for you to question what was said?.....deb

[stillafool]

 

5-You know the subject bothers her; couldn't you have comforted her a bit when it happened, told her preemptively that it wasn't her, that she is beautiful, etc, before she got so worried she "lashed out"?

 

He is young as well. Couldn't she have comforted him a bit when it happened instead of assuming it is because he really wants a man. This wasn't the first time she's said this to him.

[AverageCat]

He is young as well. Couldn't she have comforted him a bit when it happened instead of assuming it is because he really wants a man. This wasn't the first time she's said this to him.

 

THIS.

PS: We're both in our 20s. Im 3 yrs younger.

[ChessPieceFace]

I myself cant wrap my head around why this would bug you so much.

 

Your head must not wrap very well, then.

 

She questioned his masculinity twice with the same question.

 

- Insulted for not being able to get it up

- Questioned his heterosexuality / male identity

 

And before you spin more about "what's the big deal" -- calling someone 'gay' is a favorite insult of many. Not because gays are hated, but because it calls a man's masculinity and gender identity into question.

[AverageCat]

This relationship breeds immaturity. Im 26 and Im too old for this crap.

 

Very constructive...

[lino]

Ah yes, double standard number 2565489512...

 

If a girl can't or doesn't want to have sex for whatever reason, the guy MUST, without any discussion, respect her wishes and wait however long it takes for her and her only to be ready. His feelings on it are moot.

If the guy doesn't do this he's a pig and a total bastard.

If he leaves her, he was clearly 'using her for sex.'

 

If a guy can't or doesn't want to have sex the instant the girl is ready, he's either gay, frigid, inexperienced, a nice guy or all of the above.

She'll receive high 5s from everyone for leaving such a bloke.

 

If my girl ever asked me something like that she'd be my ex girl the next day. Completely unacceptable in my opinion.

[AMusing]

Good post. I like to "constructively" argue points of views that go against mine, so I can come to a better understanding. I'm not simply disagreeing (I think). Everyone has their own opinions. Through argument we are seeking to better form our views no?

 

Fair enough. Just note that if you get too argumentative/dismissive, you will be left only with yes-men and get nothing out of posting a question.

 

2. I know she won't see a therapist. I don't mind being her therapist from time to time.

It's not about being willing, it's that you do not have the skill-set or the objectivity here to help her. Since you are her boyfriend and she is resistant to improving herself, you can either A) Accept her as she is (insecurities, lashing out, and all) or B) Dump her and find someone with more confidence and experience.

 

4. Patience you say? See this is my problem. My underlying problem. Not the fact that I was called gay. The fact that "I SHOULD BE PATIENT". "I SHOULD SOLVE PROBLEMS". Feels like she puts no effort in her problems but I should put a ton... Aren't they her problems. Shouldn't she at least put as much effort as me. If she's not being patient.. why should I?

5. Going back to number 4. Yes I could have. Yes you see if I want I can put a limitless amount of effort and solve all our problems. But what this situation made me ask myself is... do I really want to?

 

You are the OP. Your gf didn't come here to ask for advice, so we can't tell her what she could do differently that might help alleviate the problem. We can only try to help you. There is a problem in your relationship; both of you helped create it, both of you have the power to help alleviate it, but you can only control your own actions in trying to fix it.

 

Again tables reversed... if I couldnt get it up and asked her why does she look and smell like a ****ing man and blamed everything on her... would she have been OK?

 

Not the same. Your anatomy was temporarily malfunctioning, not hers. She doesn't know what's going on with your body/mind, so it's your job to tell her. If she suddenly stopped getting wet/orgasming when you had sex, wouldn't you wonder why? Wouldn't insecurity start eating at you? It's not your job to comfort her when she's apparently not enjoying intimacy with you. It's her job to say something like, "Hey, baby, it's not you, you're awesome, I'm just stressed about my finals and can't get my head out of studying mode." See? Problem diffused, no hurt feelings, minimal effort. Same as you explaining in under a minute why you can't keep an erection.

 

I haven't read your post history, but I'm guessing this is just one of the last straws before the relationship breaks. I think there's a lot of resentment hidden behind this "OMG she called me gay" fiasco. It sounds like she's condescending, rude, spiteful, and dreadfully immature. If you feel like you're putting limitless effort into your relationship and getting nothing but tears and insecurity out of it, well, you need to start asking why you're dating her in the first place. Because seriously, if this is really an isolated problem in your relationship and you can fix it with a hug and a few kind words, why the heck wouldn't you?

 

He is young as well. Couldn't she have comforted him a bit when it happened instead of assuming it is because he really wants a man. This wasn't the first time she's said this to him.

 

She's already proven she isn't capable of comforting him when he loses his erection, because her insecurity takes over. OP knew this. He also knows the cause of the "issue" (drinking too much), and she clearly doesn't "get" that. He knew a simple hug and reassurance would defuse the situation, but for whatever reason he's chosen to turn this insecurity into a battle.