AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 So for Halloween after a great night, we went to bed. We started fooling around a bit... We were both very hammered and as she was trying to get me aroused, my penis wasn't really working to its best. She tried and tried to get it up, but after just moved away and turned around a bit. At which point I just turned off the light, the music and went to sleep. I was about to fall asleep as she asks... "are you OK?". I'm like "yeah". She follows up by asking "are you gay?"... I kept looking her in disbelief asking her if she understood what she just said as she kept repeating her question. I got up to leave, there was a ton of drama, which is not really important. in the morning we talked a lot about it sober. We came to a conclusion that she was being like that because she was being insecure about a few things and her need to feel attractive. I basically told her that her being insecure (sometimes) is fine, being needy is OK... but to take that and try to push me down just from that is unacceptable. She kind of agreed. We thought we solved this issue, but I still can't get it off my mind. I don't know if I'll be able to look at her the same way and be turned on as I'll subconsciously think that if we don't have sex it'll mean that I'm gay...... Help...
ConstantVoyager Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She didn't insult you. It sounds like she's young and not that experienced and doesn't understand whiskey dick. She thought your inability to maintain an erection was because you were no longer attracted to her. She was feeling insecure and vulnerable and looking for answers. (Asking if you're gay is not an insult, it was a request for information that might explain the fact that you weren't getting an erection.) I recommend drinking less or letting your partner know what the ramifications of heavy drinking can be for men. 1
Philosoraptor Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Sounds like you have insecurity issues yourself. She said it's her issue and nothing to do with you. You were both drunk at the time and she made a stupid comment. Why let this have such a profound affect on you? Edited October 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 You need to chill. It was probably coming from a very insecure place, partly feeling that she wasn't turning you on and that's why you couldn't get an erection. She then jabbed at you. She said it because she has been feeling unattractive. Pay attention to what she's passively (this is bad as she should be talking to you about how she feels rather than calling you gay to get you to react) trying to get across to you instead of getting so caught up by a stupid comment. And she's not going to say it everytime you don't have sex. That comment was coming from her feeling that you aren't attracted to her. You're confusing her intent.
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Sounds like you have insecurity issues yourself. She said it's her issue and nothing to do with you. You were both drunk at the time and she made a stupid comment. Why let this have such a profound affect on you? So I must ask, are you gay? If you are 100% sure you are not gay, then her asking a stupid question while drunk should have zero affect on you. We've talked about this before. I've told her that for men in general (I know a lot of friends who are the same), not being able to get it up sometimes feels weird, as in there is much pressure for you to perform. So for her to go and try to hit on that spot where I've told her it's a delicate subject for men just feels bad. It's like if I told you that my knee hurts and when you're pissed off, you went and tried to kick me in the knee. Other than that, I just find it unattractive and unacceptable. If I get insecure I don't go and blame her and try to bring her down because of it. I want someone who supports me and tries to bring the best out of me.
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 How long have you both been together that you still feel you have pressures to "perform"?
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 You need to chill. It was probably coming from a very insecure place, partly feeling that she wasn't turning you on and that's why you couldn't get an erection. She then jabbed at you. She said it because she has been feeling unattractive. Pay attention to what she's passively (this is bad as she should be talking to you about how she feels rather than calling you gay to get you to react) trying to get across to you instead of getting so caught up by a stupid comment. And she's not going to say it everytime you don't have sex. That comment was coming from her feeling that you aren't attracted to her. You're confusing her intent. Im not. We talked about this. I know logically where it is coming from. We have the best sex life ever (like for real). She's told me multiple times I m the guy who's made her orgasm the most by far. My disappointment comes from exactly "her taking a jab at me", from her own insecurities. I've told her over and over that if she has insecurities she just has to talk about them calmly and I will understand (and I always have), but yet she chooses to just act emotionally and that hit a limit point IMO, when she's trying to harm my own self.
serial muse Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) Ah, the drunk "heart-to-heart", "clearing-the-air" conversations. Always good for a relationship! #notreally Asking "are you gay" was clearly not OK, but I'd honestly let it go if you can. She was drunk, you were drunk, it was a damn stupid thing to say and yet it's obviously coming from a place of her own insecurity rather than being about you. That doesn't make it right, and I hope she internalizes that lesson, but I seriously doubt she really worries that you're gay, unless there's more to this story that we don't know about here. I know it's sucky but honestly if we all held on to all the stupid things we say to each other when we're drunk, nobody would ever talk to anybody ever again. Unless she has a pattern of repeatedly putting you down to deal with her own insecurities (in which case my answer would be very different), I'd try to let go of a one-time offense (after making it clear that it's not OK, which you've already done). Edited to add: just saw your most recent post. So, is this a pattern, then? That's a very different problem if so. Edited October 28, 2013 by serial muse 2
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Ah, the drunk "heart-to-heart", "clearing-the-air" conversations. Always good for a relationship! #notreally Asking "are you gay" was clearly not OK, but I'd honestly let it go if you can. She was drunk, you were drunk, it was a damn stupid thing to say and yet it's obviously coming from a place of her own insecurity rather than being about you. That doesn't make it right, and I hope she internalizes that lesson, but I seriously doubt she really worries that you're gay, unless there's more to this story that we don't know about here. I know it's sucky but honestly if we all held on to all the stupid things we say to each other when we're drunk, nobody would ever talk to anybody ever again. Unless she has a pattern of repeatedly putting you down to deal with her own insecurities (in which case my answer would be very different), I'd try to let go of a one-time offense (after making it clear that it's not OK, which you've already done). Yes I think I'll eventually let this go, but I need a bit of time. It's happened 2-3 times now when if I don't "desire" her like I usually do and go to sleep, she gets so insecure. One night she cried (and kept me up all night), when I had to drive 8 hrs the next day... This time she tries to put me down. It just feels like she's being selfish and not really mindful about what the other person (i.e. me) can feel / need. 1
Zahara Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 My disappointment comes from exactly "her taking a jab at me", from her own insecurities. I've told her over and over that if she has insecurities she just has to talk about them calmly and I will understand (and I always have), but yet she chooses to just act emotionally and that hit a limit point IMO, when she's trying to harm my own self. It sounded from your first post that you were upset that she called you gay, rather than you being upset at her communication. Her calling you gay shouldn't affect you. You know it's not true and she doesn't believe it. She has a problem communicating and she does it immaturely. Communication is very important and she has to take proactive steps in learning how to convey herself. I think just telling her she has to communicate better won't help. Books that provide better communication tips? Start there?
ConstantVoyager Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 If a couple is going to drink together to the point of heavy intoxication they should probably institute some sort of "safe phrase." If a topic gets delicate or a relationship-threatening problem comes up, say the phrase and you both agree to table the discussion until you're both sober and over your hangovers. People say and think things when they're drunk that they wouldn't when they were sober. 1
Eivuwan Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Judging from your past posts your gf seems to have a lot of insecurity issues, which comes up more when you're drunk. She also seems too dependent on you. You can't fix those for her. The issues come from within and what you do will never be enough to appease her. Have you told her to get some help for them? Whether you want to stay in this relationship is up to you, but these issues aren't going away any time soon. 1
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 If a couple is going to drink together to the point of heavy intoxication they should probably institute some sort of "safe phrase." If a topic gets delicate or a relationship-threatening problem comes up, say the phrase and you both agree to table the discussion until you're both sober and over your hangovers. People say and think things when they're drunk that they wouldn't when they were sober. I've told her this. I think we both should be mature and smart enough such that if we have a problem and we know we're drunk to just let it be until the next morning. She doesn't agree. Says if she needs to talk about problems at that point she needs to do it. I tried once to tell her to just go to sleep. She cried all night...
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Judging from your past posts your gf seems to have a lot of insecurity issues, which comes up more when you're drunk. She also seems too dependent on you. You can't fix those for her. The issues come from within and what you do will never be enough to appease her. Have you told her to get some help for them? Whether you want to stay in this relationship is up to you, but these issues aren't going away any time soon. Thank you. That is what I think. I think being a bit insecure is OK (who of us isn't)... But knowing from her past, she's always had cousins, parents and boyfriends who have spoiled her. So I think her subconscious just expects for other people to solve her problems. I have no idea where to send her for help... Im trying to play psychologist a bit at a time and I think she's gotten a bit better... but maybe Im just delusional.
Eivuwan Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I have no idea where to send her for help... Im trying to play psychologist a bit at a time and I think she's gotten a bit better... but maybe Im just delusional. Oh no, don't go there. I am a therapist in training and I explicitly told my family that I wasn't going to act like one around them. It's just impossible because we feel too strongly towards the people we're close to to be objective and calm. Even if you can, they might not look at us the way they would look at a therapist. How old are you guys? If you guys are in college, there is usually free or cheap counseling available. You can try googling some community clinics or psychoanalytic training centers because student therapists are usually cheaper (if money is a concern). Otherwise, you can try getting a referral from your primary care doctor.
serial muse Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Yes I think I'll eventually let this go, but I need a bit of time. It's happened 2-3 times now when if I don't "desire" her like I usually do and go to sleep, she gets so insecure. One night she cried (and kept me up all night), when I had to drive 8 hrs the next day... This time she tries to put me down. It just feels like she's being selfish and not really mindful about what the other person (i.e. me) can feel / need. Oh, dear. Well, I can certainly understand your annoyance here. I hope she'll be willing to take a closer look at her own insecurities, and understand that it's not OK to foist them off onto you whenever they get overwhelming for her.
StanMusial Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Sounds like a childish comment. Next time it might be "are you stupid" or "are you crazy" or "are you lazy" etc to some other perceived slight or when she doesn't get her way. Wouldn't worry about it, water off a duck's back.
pteromom Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 We've talked about this before. I've told her that for men in general (I know a lot of friends who are the same), not being able to get it up sometimes feels weird, as in there is much pressure for you to perform. So for her to go and try to hit on that spot where I've told her it's a delicate subject for men just feels bad. It's like if I told you that my knee hurts and when you're pissed off, you went and tried to kick me in the knee. But it can be the same for a woman when her guy can't get it up. She wonders "Is it me? Am I not attractive? What's wrong with me? Do I suck at sex? Do I not turn him on?" And being drunk, she stupidly asked YOU one of the questions women ask themselves if their guy is having erection issues. I wouldn't take it personally. She doesn't REALLY think you may be gay (unless there is more to this story). She just felt very badly that she wasn't able to do enough to get you there.
pteromom Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She cried all night... I think if I was a guy, I probably *would* be gay, because... just no.
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I think if I was a guy, I probably *would* be gay, because... just no. Didn't get this part. I liked your first post. Pretty much what I think. But we have discussed this and she has to understand that when something like that happens, it is hard on me too. And especially when we have crazy amazing sex a lot... if I can't get it up once a month, don't go ape **** on me... Just not fair.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 She's incredibly insensitive. Moreso than even the usual insensitive modern woman who treats a man as beneath her. That's gotta be in the top 5 or 10 things a girl should never say to her bf. 1
pteromom Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Didn't get this part. I liked your first post. Pretty much what I think. But we have discussed this and she has to understand that when something like that happens, it is hard on me too. And especially when we have crazy amazing sex a lot... if I can't get it up once a month, don't go ape **** on me... Just not fair. I just mean - I don't think I could deal with the drama that comes with women, being up all night crying and all. I agree with you about understanding it is hard on you too. I don't see "Are you gay?" as an insult though, unless she was saying it with a mean tone. Since she is in her 20s, she may have never dealt with this issue, and may be taking it personally.
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 She's incredibly insensitive. Moreso than even the usual insensitive modern woman who treats a man as beneath her. That's gotta be in the top 5 or 10 things a girl should never say to her bf. THISSSSS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. And I'm not even hurt because of the insensitivity. I just cant help but think....... HOW STUPID It's probably the most insensitive thing I've read/heard... next to some girl who posted on this forum asking for help because on a drunken night she had told all friends that she thought her bf had the smallest penis out of everyone she had seen on some question about smallest dick she had seen......... COMMON SENSE.
Phantom888 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Why are you making such a big deal? It's just a stupid DRUNK question. If you are not gay, you shouldn't be worried about anyone asking that question. If this is an issue, you guys have lots of work ahead of you.
Author AverageCat Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Are you gay? Do you think about it or experimenting with it? I myself cant wrap my head around why this would bug you so much unless it pushed a button you don't want pushed? Personally I would have told her something like I will show you gay and then ate her pussy so hard she limped around the house the next day. But thats just me. Apparently a few people don't get the point. The point was that she attacked my character to deal with her insecurities. It doesn't matter if she said gay, or some other bad thing. It's something ugly to say to a guy, right after he has a limp dick. I would have done that depending on what mood I'm in. But if Im down (no pun intended) and you're trying to still hurt me... sorry then I will try to avoid you.
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