Movingforward2 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 And I have absolute relief. I've tried for 3 months to understand and figure it out, but she admitted it. I can now absolutely move on, and feel ok with it. It sucks, but it is what it is. I even forgave her (which I think she was shocked), I just couldn't take the guilt anymore. I understood that I was absent, and drove her into it somewhat, but that was the answer I needed to move forward. I don't feel as guilty, and this is an explanation that I have needed. I'm sick to think this could all happen, but my wife will never be happy until she is happy with herself. And she isn't. It's sad to watch my kids and my oldest daughter who has really given me hell for the last 3 months. They do not know what went on, but my oldest constantly defended her mom, and if she found out, she would be destroyed. I hope to move forward now, total 180, and never look back. Everyone on this site gives tremendous advice, and I'm thankful for it. 2
littlejaz Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Good luck. I understand the feeling of relief. It does help with the guilt. Mine wasn't guilt for what I had or hadn't done as I feel I did as much as I could to save our marriage, he just wasn't engaged in the marriage and was only concerned with his feelings. But my guilt came from breaking my vows - I did say for better or for worse - but when I found out about the cheating, then I was released and could move forward and file. Now my only problem is that he won't engage in the divorce either so it has dragged out for over 1 1/2 years now. Hopefully it will be over next month as we have a court date and I have hopes that it will not get continued again. Then I can never look back. Also, I agree we cannot make them happy when they are not happy with themselves. It is sad how many WS hold us responsible for their happiness instead of looking inside. Best of luck, I hope yours moves faster than mine has. 1
thompkevin Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hey, I am sorry you found yourself in this situation. But I am glad you found out and are ready to move on. All the best for the rest of your life. 1
aliveagain Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 No matter what state your marriage was in nothing you did pushed her to having an affair, she cheated because she wanted to. Will the truth about her infidelity help you in your divorce, are you in a no fault state? Read and live the 180, make it your way of life. Book yourself into counseling so you don't end up making the same mistakes again. 2
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 And you have scheduled therapy appointments When exactly? And you have proof she has ended it with her paramour? Absolutely NC? She has honestly answered all your questions about how it started? WHEN she gave herself permission to cross those lines? Yes, I remember the relief in knowing the truth of my life. I didn't suffer from too much guilt though, BUT putting positive time and attention into a marriage is always a worth goal. I applaud you for those efforts. 1
Author Movingforward2 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 No matter what state your marriage was in nothing you did pushed her to having an affair, she cheated because she wanted to. Will the truth about her infidelity help you in your divorce, are you in a no fault state? Read and live the 180, make it your way of life. Book yourself into counseling so you don't end up making the same mistakes again. That's true. She cheated because she wanted to.....I have to come to grips with that. 1
Author Movingforward2 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 And you have scheduled therapy appointments When exactly? And you have proof she has ended it with her paramour? Absolutely NC? She has honestly answered all your questions about how it started? WHEN she gave herself permission to cross those lines? Yes, I remember the relief in knowing the truth of my life. I didn't suffer from too much guilt though, BUT putting positive time and attention into a marriage is always a worth goal. I applaud you for those efforts. She filed for divorce on July 24th (our anniversary is July 23rd).......I'm been in counseling, church, and working out like a mad man since then. I don't need her to answer anything. I can tell the tremendous guilt and shame she has for it.....and I know the affair is over. I'm sure the guy got what he wanted and bounced out on her. I hate that our kids will have to move out of their house. I have a 16 year old, and 6 year old. It really sucks but I didn't choose it. I ask for everyone's prayers as I want this divorce finalized quickly. 5
harrybrown Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Has she given you all the information about the affair? How did you find out? 1
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Then I hope for that too for you and your family. Counseling can also facilitate a smoother transition for your children and many a divorce court will welcome it. Please speak to your attorney about making it a condition -family counseling- a condition of the divorce.
Author Movingforward2 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Has she given you all the information about the affair? How did you find out? Just had a feeling. Basically pinned her down with questions (since I'm a sales guy) and then her answer to one of the questions laid it out for me. I said "we are done". And she said "we have been done a long time". I don't need to know the details and she isn't ready to give them to me, yet. But at some point she will, when she begins to lose everything. 1
Clay Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I don't know about you but when i figured out my xWW played me for a fool again. I did not care. I threw her out and told her. "Don't Call! Don't Write! We are not friends!. She of course did not listen and she wrote me letters for six months because I had changed our phone number at the house. (Voip Controlled Phone ) I am the voice engineer for the company I work for so it took me minutes to fix that. Let me tell you that sure Pissed her off. It was right before Christmas and I filed for divorce in seven days and it was final 20 days later. My advice to you when you feel its done walk away. Take care of your kids and don't look back at her. Clay 3
firemanq Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Just had a feeling. Basically pinned her down with questions (since I'm a sales guy) and then her answer to one of the questions laid it out for me. I said "we are done". And she said "we have been done a long time". I don't need to know the details and she isn't ready to give them to me, yet. But at some point she will, when she begins to lose everything. She started to lose everything when she crossed the line. She just does not know it yet. 2
Author Movingforward2 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 She started to lose everything when she crossed the line. She just does not know it yet. That's so true. All this from a person who works 3 days a week, has gotten to do whatever she wants financially, been the room mom, team mom, a new car last year, a beautiful home (that looks like we are going to have to sell) and is now destroying herself and family. It's sad to watch her head down this path of self destruction, with no conscious at all. It's surreal, it really is.
Just a Guy Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Hi Movingforward2, I have been trying to find your original post where you would have talked about about your wife's affair and any details needed to round out the account but I have not been able to. Can you give me a link to that post? Thanks and best wishes to you.
Author Movingforward2 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Just an update. This has been a really, really hard day. We are getting close to the end of this deal, and it really is like a death.
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