Magnum Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend has been touring for the past 4 months with the circus to make some money, and now he is back home. To say the least, he's blown through all of his earnings in a matter of a week. What's worse is that he's chosen to blow his cash on: marijuana. Don't get me wrong, I know that he's a drug addict but his addictions had never a huge problem in our relationship. First, he was addicted to "spice" and he'd get $10 baggies from the store down the road. He promised me that he would quit using spice because it would help us out. Truth be told, he actually quit, but while at the circus he picked up pot smoking again. Every time I'm with him now, he's complaining that he feels bad because he's not high. And now every time that we're actually together has become a drug hunt, and I'm starting to get upset. Is it fair to say "you have to choose between pot or me?" ... I've explained to him the situation clearly. I told him that I'm not willing to drive him to the dealer every single day or two. He keeps telling me that it makes him happy in a different way from me, but I'm starting to think that my existance in his life is meaningless if he has his drugs. On top of that, having 3 to 4 people constantly calling him to arrange deals is a bit annoying too... I feel tempted to throw the phone out the window at this point. Honest to God, I really love my boyfriend, but it's sad to see we have become progressively worse. If can quit spice in a week, why can't he quit pot? Edited October 28, 2013 by Magnum
Balzac Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I know that he's a drug addict but his addictions have never been a huge problem in our relationship. Is it fair to say "you have to choose between pot or me?" .. The logical next step is to tell him your choice is to end it.
Author Magnum Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I know that he's a drug addict but his addictions have never been a huge problem in our relationship. Is it fair to say "you have to choose between pot or me?" .. The logical next step is to tell him your choice is to end it. I suppose that seems logical. I just don't want to kick myself in the rear and wish I had an understanding.
KathyM Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Unfortunately, he has made marijuana the primary focus in his life. He spends a lot of time procuring it, and spends a lot of time doped up from it, not to mention a lot of money in buying it. He's made his choice. You would be wise to walk away from that. You are not married to the guy. This is not a for better or for worse relationship. You are free to decide you don't want a pot head for a partner, and leave. I wouldn't recommend waiting around for him to change or pressuring him to change. He has shown you who he is. You have the freedom to leave. Even if he were to promise to change and make some effort, it's likely he'll revert back to addiction at some point. I would suggest you not spend more of your life hoping to change him. 1
Art_Critic Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I suppose that seems logical. I just don't want to kick myself in the rear and wish I had an understanding. I think in reality you will be kissing yourself and thanking yourself that you are not being pulled down by the addiction. If you choose to stay in the relationship I would advise some form of Nara-non or Al-anon to help you with separating the addict from the person and keeping your own issues with codependency in check, it would also help you with keeping your own identity in this rather than loosing it to the addict... A lot of work though.. 1
Author Magnum Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I think in reality you will be kissing yourself and thanking yourself that you are not being pulled down by the addiction. If you choose to stay in the relationship I would advise some form of Nara-non or Al-anon to help you with separating the addict from the person and keeping your own issues with codependency in check, it would also help you with keeping your own identity in this rather than loosing it to the addict... A lot of work though.. Thanks, Art Critic. Yes, I think you're spot on. Now the question is, how will I love again? Something inside of me is denying me from trying again. Is that typical of someone who has broken up? I know a friend who doesn't date because he feels that his freedom will be stripped away, but I'm just afraid of giving myself away to someone new. 1
Balzac Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Your task is to figure out why you developed a relationship once you identified addiction. That's a "you" problem not a "them" problem. 2
pteromom Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Thanks, Art Critic. Yes, I think you're spot on. Now the question is, how will I love again? Something inside of me is denying me from trying again. Is that typical of someone who has broken up? I know a friend who doesn't date because he feels that his freedom will be stripped away, but I'm just afraid of giving myself away to someone new. Of course, that's normal. When you are burned, you avoid the fire for a while. Let yourself heal and re-normalize, and don't worry about dating again yet. You need to process this relationship first. And yes, breaking up is the right choice. It isn't as if he is just getting high once in a while with his friends - he has actually told you that "he feels bad because he's not high." If it was up to him, he would be high all the time, and how do you build a successful relationship like that? Staying with him will mean years of you coming second to drugs, arrests, issues with him taking your money and assets for drugs... just stop it now. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache. It's ok to love him. But love alone doesn't make a relationship possible. Both people have to be present and capable of building that relationship. And he is neither. 3
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