rumbleseat Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 If you were ton find out that your spouse had been in an affair, and had lied to you about it, what do you think would e the best possible way for you to handle it?
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 depending on circumstances.....i would give a chance......most wouldnt.....understandable......but again it depends on if it were sex or emotional attachment...infidelity is never right causes major damage but every one if they truly are remorseful deserves a chance...i feel....also they should be willing to seek help with the relationship in regards to therapy and counselling........deb 2
harrybrown Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Is the spouse remorseful for cheating and not for getting caught? Will the spouse go NC, get tested for stds, give a timeline of the affair, and wants to work on the marriage? Marriage is hard, but it is impossible with 3 in the relationship, and will not work if only 1 is trying. If the spouse would be willing to help you work thru the pain, then I would give it a try. If the spouse is not willing to do these things, and if this is a second time, then file for divorce. 3
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I think it depends on the circumstances. The one common thing I think applies to all cases is that it's best to act swiftly after Dday, communicate and enforce boundaries and not stick your head in the sand and prolong the confusion. That being said, I think the best way to deal with infidelity in general is to be prepared for it. I wish I had read a years worth of LS posts before it happened to me, not after. I believe I would have saved myself a lot of wasted time and confusion 3
cozycottagelg Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I want out of my marriage, so I'd use it as my out. Wish him well and pack my bags.
JamesM Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 It would totally depend on the circumstances. Having said that, I doubt I could leave her if she showed repentance and wanted to start over. If she wanted to leave, then that would be her decision. The pain that I would deal with and the anger I would have....IC for me no doubt, and JC for both of us. 1
aliveagain Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I would remove myself from infidelity one way or another. She stops her affair, gets help, gives me a believable plan that makes me feel safe enough to stay with her, no more contact even if it means quitting her job, or I finish what she started by having an affair, we divorce. 2
road Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 If you were ton find out that your spouse had been in an affair, and had lied to you about it, what do you think would e the best possible way for you to handle it? Your question put the affair in the past and that implies it is over. Whether the BS found out, was exposed by the AP's BS, or the WS told their BS the need would be to first get the whole truth. Can not move forward without the whole truth. Of course a poly maybe needed. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I can tell you how I handled and what I would have done a little different (bolded): 1. Found some messages to multiple women that seemed off (flirty, inappropriate) but not "affair like". He was asleep when I found them. He had left his facebook screen up and I just peeked at a few. I took my ring off and laid it on his laptop. Sent him a long message calling out each of the girls that bothered me and told him it was his chance to walk. If he was that unhappy that he felt he had no other option....then go, because I will not be disrespected. Of course there was a little banter back and forth, with denial about one in particular. At this point I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and dug deeper. 2. Had access to his computer and dug further. Found old emails with facebook notifications, photos and videos. From the one he protested about the most and an ex that were few and ended without an affair forming. I called MOW's cell first trying to get more information. Then I sent the kids out and waited for his butt to get home. I confronted him then and there. I have always considered myself lucky due to the fact that the affair was over before I found out. I did not have to deal with the fog and the wishy washy behavior a lot others do. It was simply a question for him "Do you want the marriage?" He is aware that he only gets this chance. He is also aware that if it weren't for the kids...I would have packed my bags and been gone. But I had to consider our past, their future and if he truly wanted to be married before I made a rash decision.
KathyM Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 As another poster said, there is no one size fits all. No answer that is going to work for everyone. Some BS's will want to end the marriage. Some will be willing to give it another chance if the WS is truly remorseful, and he does whatever needed to rebuild trust. Personally, I would want to end the marriage, because I would feel that he did not value me enough or love me enough to put our marriage ahead of his physical desires (in the case of a PA), or if it was an EA, I would feel like he loved someone else more than me if he was willing to risk our marriage because of feelings for someone else. Either case (PA and/or EA) would be a dealbreaker to me. I would feel like our marriage was over if he crossed that line. To me, trust is so very important in a marriage. To not be able to trust your husband would be a devastating thing. I've told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he ever were to be unfaithful to me, that would be the end of our marriage. I've seen such heartbreak that infidelity causes, both from relatives, friends, and clients, to know that I would not want to try to work through that. I feel that if my husband didn't value me enough to be faithful to me, then he doesn't deserve me, and I deserve someone who will value me and our marriage. So I'd be moving on. Everyone has to decide for themselves what they feel they can get past, and whether they think it is best for them to try to work through a betrayal like this. Personally, I don't know of any happy endings where reconciliation happened and the marriage went on to thrive, except for those I've read on this site. I see a lot of cases IRL of couples who either divorce because of infidelity, or they struggle with this set back to their marriage for years afterwards. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I think people have different levels of tolerance for infidelity. For some it is a dealbreaker, for some they would give them another chance IF they showed remorse, and some would just give them a get out of jail free card if they promised not to do it again. For myself, my trust would be broken and it would be very difficult for me to get over something like that. Would I forgive my husband? I don't know if I could honestly. That would be the ultimate betrayal. I think it would be a dealbreaker for me.
jnel921 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Most of us here have been cheated on and lied to. How do we handle it? The best way possible depending on the circumstances as we all here have different ones. 7
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 I also agree that you don't know how you will handle something until your are faced with it. Forgiving an affair is one thing, but trying to move forward from it is very hard. You never will unconditionally, 100% trust that person again. For some, infidelity can be a deal breaker. I never thought I would forgive my spouse for an affair, but I did and bent over backwards to move on, unfortunately, once a third person is in your relationship, game over. I don't feel my husband got over her. Even though he stopped all contact immediately when I confronted him, it was too late emotionally, he was hers. It took us two years to finally pull the plug.
Stillscared Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 We've been married nearly 20 years. 10 years ago in a contemplative moment, well before I ever could imagine this situation I made a conscious decision that I would love him EVEN IF he cheated. Five weeks ago, that promise was put to the test. I didn't throw him out. We talked all night. He broke it off with her that evening. We've been living a roller coaster of emotions since then, but I think there is hope at the end of this. He's a good man who made a bad choice. All the cards lined up for a pretty girl to get his attention at a time he didn't feel like I was kissing him enough, or feared I would leave him, or feared that I had had an affair (I have never), and I traveled a lot...Whatever the circumstances, i believe the marriage is worth saving so long as he continues to be remorseful, have no contact and do everything in his power to reassure me from allowing GPS on his phone to handing over his phone, bank and credit card statements for the last year (the affair lasted 10.5 months). He quit his job (they worked together) after 17 years with the same company so that he could join me on my business trips (honestly, I can't trust him longer than a few hours without freaking out, fearing that he's seeing her, contacting her... irrational I know, but it will take time for me to trust again, I know.) So in general, I think every situation is different, my husband is remorseful, and I have hope. I wish I wasn't still so scared, though.
Journee Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 We've been married nearly 20 years. 10 years ago in a contemplative moment, well before I ever could imagine this situation I made a conscious decision that I would love him EVEN IF he cheated. Five weeks ago, that promise was put to the test. I didn't throw him out. We talked all night. He broke it off with her that evening. We've been living a roller coaster of emotions since then, but I think there is hope at the end of this. He's a good man who made a bad choice. All the cards lined up for a pretty girl to get his attention at a time he didn't feel like I was kissing him enough, or feared I would leave him, or feared that I had had an affair (I have never), and I traveled a lot...Whatever the circumstances, i believe the marriage is worth saving so long as he continues to be remorseful, have no contact and do everything in his power to reassure me from allowing GPS on his phone to handing over his phone, bank and credit card statements for the last year (the affair lasted 10.5 months). He quit his job (they worked together) after 17 years with the same company so that he could join me on my business trips (honestly, I can't trust him longer than a few hours without freaking out, fearing that he's seeing her, contacting her... irrational I know, but it will take time for me to trust again, I know.) So in general, I think every situation is different, my husband is remorseful, and I have hope. I wish I wasn't still so scared, though. Oh Hon. I'm sorry for your pain. 5 weeks is not long at all. Your fears and concerns are understandable. You should verify anything that you makes you feel uneasy. There are going to be lots of emotions coming your way. Don't apologize for protecting your heart after such devastation. Have you all been tested for STDs? Your sexual health is now back in your control also. Take care of yourself. 1
michelangelo Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I always emphatically maintained that if my husband was ever unfaithful to me, that it would be the end of our marriage. Many moons ago when I discovered he had been involved with another woman for nearly four years, I was not prepared to simply discard what had for the most part, been a successful marriage without some discussion. Immediately, I gave him two hours to make his choice. Her/me. Of course he never wanted to leave me, that was immediately evident. The emotional trauma attached to the discovery that the person you believed in and trusted to be your equal in all things made the decision to betray you is devastating, but as many here have already alluded, it is personal, and varied, so that each partnership has its own particular circumstance. You will need time and considerable effort on your husband's behalf to attempt the long road to recovery if that is what you decide is the best thing for you. I wish you great strength and the space to make such monumental decisions. The infuriating and disappointing thing is that i did as you did and she squandered that gift of a second chance. The ex continued cheating for years and years and acted like the one-time thing i forgave was long over. So despite my best effort and what seemed like hers as well, my giving her a second chance was a complete wate of time. If i were to be in that moment again? I would pass! Some cheaters just feel entitled to whatever they want to do. And their contempt and hostility are secretly expressed. Yes, I finally divorced her this year. My warning is to not trust what your cheating spouse says with tears in their eyes. VERIFY But ultimately? Move on. Edited October 30, 2013 by michelangelo 1
cocorico Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 If you were ton find out that your spouse had been in an affair, and had lied to you about it, what do you think would e the best possible way for you to handle it? The affair would not matter to me. If he loved another and wanted to be with them, i' d happily let him go. What would matter to me was his lack of confidence in our M, that he felt the need to lie to me. I would need to explore that, to get a reading of whether our M mattered enough to both of us to sort out, and his commitment (or otherwise) to investing in MC, IC, would also provide useful data.
MissBee Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 If you were ton find out that your spouse had been in an affair, and had lied to you about it, what do you think would e the best possible way for you to handle it? Hmmmm..... I can't really say what I would do without being in the situation, as only the actual situation, with its specifics and details, would determine my course of action. What I do know is there are certain insults to injuries that if they were part and parcel with the affair would probably lead to immediate separation and no chance of reconciliation: ex. unprotected sex/impregnating this person, divulging details about me, including our children in it, bringing this person to the marital bed. Such things would probably lead to a swift divorce. But I cannot really say how I would handle it otherwise. I have no way of knowing my emotional response or anything like that unless in the situation with it's specifics of my overall emotional wellbeing at the time, what's going on in my life, do we have kids, is this someone I know, did he confess or I found out, I mean lots of things would play into my response and how I'd handle it. There is no proper script, although sometimes I see OW try to prescribe what they think the BS should or shouldn't do . It would have to be dealt with solely based on my personal circumstance and its specifics.
MissBee Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 The affair would not matter to me. If he loved another and wanted to be with them, i' d happily let him go. What would matter to me was his lack of confidence in our M, that he felt the need to lie to me. I would need to explore that, to get a reading of whether our M mattered enough to both of us to sort out, and his commitment (or otherwise) to investing in MC, IC, would also provide useful data. Which is assuming he loved and wanted to be with them, which is not the only or even most common affair scenario it seems. What if he doesn't love or at the least, want to be with this person, but had an affair for other reasons and still wanted to be married to you, then that's when the rest comes in. If my spouse had an affair and is trying to be with someone else...well I can't force him to stay and sure as hell would not. I have too much pride for that! So I read it as, like most As, when it comes to light, the WS, is not at all running off to be with the AP, but is now trying to stay put and how you'd process that. 1
michelangelo Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 You are of course correct, that those who disrespect their marriage by conducting such destructive and underhand activities lie not only to their spouses and other women/men, but also to themselves by burying any thoughts of guilt under the monument of entitlement. Yes! And thank you, i have found someone who loves me and doesnt fake a life. I bought a house 400 miles away and have rebooted a good life.
krazikat Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Infidelity was a dealbreaker for my H and then I cheated on him and confessed. So I got a "get out of jail free" card. My H always likes to say "you never know how you will react to a situation until you are faced with it". That is so true...it was always one of my deal breakers. Then it happened. I was prepared to move forward with divorce but decided to give R a chance. I had my doubts...just because of the person I am and my intolerance for sneaky, cheating, lying behavior and the sheer depth of my anger...well, I will say depth of my FURY...FURY SEEMS MORE FITTING....I honestly didnt know if I would be able to move past it... Now almost a year later, I can say that R is working out great. My H has continued to be doing all the right things and is all around a better spouse and even father...heck, a better person in general. I will never forget that he cheated, but ours is a case where our marriage, bond, and love is stronger than ever. As mentioned by others, there is not a "right" response for all...only you know what is best for you. And it is true, you never know how you will respond unless you experience it...and I will say that I never want to experience it again.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Make a sound choice on your life's partner...someone with integrity, values, honor and confidence in themselves as person who agrees that infidelity ends the marriage at once, no question. Learn how to nurture your marriage so that an affair never happens. Then, if it does, you have done all you could do to keep your promise and your partner is a selfish, immature, deceitful person who needs to go. And, yes, the bag would be packed and my marriage would be over if this ever happened because I have worked too hard and given too much to be failed by the person I trust the most in this world. My wife and I have never minced words on this decision as a marriage wrecker. I try to not be judgmental of others but this is one thing in my own life I will not tolerate...infidelity is not a mistake, but a life choice. As a society, we accept any type of behavior from others and then we wonder why our lives are not as we expected them to be...well, mine will be because I will make it that way even if it makes me lose someone I thought I knew. I am responsible for my quality of life. She and I have one choice if we want to continue enjoying marriage to one another...fidelity. Makes things very simple and no one can say, "Well I thought he/she would forgive me and take me back." She will be forgiven if she seeks it, of course, because I loved her once, but she will get divorce papers and NC for the rest of her life. I am way too good of a husband and a man for her to disregard my love and commitment for her. She feels exactly the same way about how good of a wife she is. Very passionate about this, Grumps 1
Valen Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I only have one way to handle infidelity and it makes the sound "HADOUKEN!!!!" Honor, love and faithfulness isn't just mere words to me, it's the hallmark of my being and the qualities I expect in a partner. Infidelity is the worst crime in a relationship. Anyone who does that to another person they supposedly love is a wicked person. They would be out of my life the moment I find out. I do not tolerate betrayal.
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