Author SilverlinedCloud Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Hey Froelich Wow after 60 days I can only but begin to imagine how you feel. You never feel like your compromising yourself when its presented that you can have them back in your life in any capacity besides the one you truly want. Been speaking with my therapist and he most definitely outlined some things for me. Things that I was blind to before. Understanding how and where the relationship became one dimensional and how I ignored red flags. I recognise now that was definitely not my greatest love story. Now its Thanksgiving ans I want to send him a message saying Happy Thanksgiving. But its pointless. It will only put me in the firing line especially now my ex has blocked me from social media (I shouldnt really know that if I dont care but somehow I do). I should take that as the final action that he got bored of trying to provoke a reaction and decided to move on. As I said in a previous post I wanted to believe so badly that he had changed. More for my own good than his. Accepting the relationship going wrong and knowing how to live again is definitely part of growing up and as much as it hurts and he will never be there to share in my experience of the world and I in his I have to stop believing thay the ball started and ended with this one man. Surely love shouldn't and couldn't hurt to the point where without thwm you dont function, right?
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) I feel like the decision to go NC hurt me more than it hurt him. Now hes really gone away and im contemplating his next response which I will probably never get. I didnt break NC this time around as much as I might have wanted to I got the advice of my friends and peers first. It was a relationship that was doomed to fail it waa never going to work and there were many red flags that made that very obvious. But I still hold him in high regard anyway, I still miss him anyway, I still feel like he will find someone better than and before me anyway and I think the most hardest is that he will find it easier to move on than I ever did and I spent 6 whole months trying. Im healing. But im alsovery regretful and trying to think is there anything I could have done better to stop the fights between us. I know the goal of NC is not to look back but I keep looking back. Especially when im lonely which at this moment in time with no family or friends around I am very lonely. Manier a night ive wanted to call text or go by his house just to see his face. I havent seen him in six months. I just sort of feel I wont find or fall in love again. I put all my stakes into this one individual too fast and too much. If I ever fall in love again hope its forever becauae this I cant go through again... Edited December 1, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud 3
AllTooWell Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 What hurt you was the break up. What hurt you was him leaving. And the pain from that will be there whether or not you are in contact or not in contact - but if you're in contact, it will hurt even worse. A constant reminder that he doesn't need you or care for you any more - whereas when you are NC, you are showing him YOU are strong. You are strong enough to be without him. What you are feeling is normal. I miss my ex a lot right now, too, but it's different. I think about him a lot, sure, but the longing and the pain is gone.. and that's okay. Because you miss him you are starting to romanticize - only see the good things, shift the blame onto yourself (what could I have done differently?! etc) It'll come and it'll go, that's all I can say. Some days are good and some are bad - but all days are only 24 hours and there is always tomorrow. Stay strong 3
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Hey AllTooWell thankyou for your response and taking the time to deconstruct a few things. Today marks 100 DAYS of NC... I dont know whether to be happy or sad. It hurt so bad. It still hurts now albeit I admit it doesnt hurt as much. Its like im at a point where I have enough info to suggest not only was he not right for me but there is nothing that would be different about him or us in order to have a healthy friendship or even consider reconciling. But I still miss him so bad yet I dont know why. Whereas before I would be happy to go over all of the details and replay the scenarios of the arguments bad and good moments now I grow very tired of it and think as time goes on its just not worth it anymore. I got so wound up and conditioned to hearing from him during NC that when he decided to stop and block me ive had the hardest time accepting that I will never see or speak to him again. I could kick myself and bang my head for letting myself get so caught up in someone who I should have known wasnt best fit for me, and now here I am feeling hopeless and cynical that I wont heal completely. Theres really no more struggle. Now im making it hard on myself (((( 2
ABrokenNerd Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Congrats on 100 days NC. For me it's barely been a month, and my ex only contacted me once to invite me to her birthday party. I didn't respond. I didn't go. I've been replaced and all that depressing stuff I don't want to reiterate. All I can say to you is that it kind of seems that you still haven't truly accepted the fact that is over from the fact that you mentioned reconciliation. Whether he was right for you or not, whether or not you will get back together or even find someone new, time will give you those answers. It is better right now that you haven't spoken. The further agony of thickening the fog of emotions by talking to someone so flaky would do you nothing but harm at this point, so continue on with your NC. Instead, try to make your goals not relationship focused for the time being. You'll get your answers, I'm sure of it.
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) Hey Abrokennerd. You know what.. youre right. I havent completely accepted the circumstances and the current state of affairs. Mostly owing to the fact that I was listening to other people when they said to go NC.. I had no idea what to do and I... without their help or suggestion would continue to make myself privy to his questions interrogation anger threats and insecurity. Even now I talk about it like the situation is still alive and only happened yesterday. I have tried dating and have made the guy scared by either demonstrating emotional unavailability or obsessing and showing im not over it. Maybe I am focusing too much on security. I think I am scared of having to deal NOT dealing with drama which is what I became very used to. Oh man. It hurts so bad. I really wanna contact him.. I really wanna contact him.. why? I need this feeling to subside. Maybe ill gain closure if he ignores me? How could it go wrong? Edited December 6, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 I went to my work Christmas party last night. I had such a great time but all I could think about is how much we might have enjoyed it together... Irrational feelings o mine I cant stop the self blame and self torture!* It really gets me on some days like today.* Accepting that he may or may not be seeing someone (even just the thought) kills me. I just wanted him to show that I was more than a text message and that he could be more than his anger n frustration at the current state of our breakup. He shut me down continuously, and now hes picked up n moved on at a time where I feel like I need him... but for what? This is merely what I wanted him to be a projection of instead of being himself. Been so stupid with some of the thoughts ive been having. I feel like I might even be on a road to recovery. But I still ask myself the question: What more could I have done?
firststeps Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Im sorry for all your going through. special events, & holidays, just make things even harder. Just my two cents on the NC, l think you are struggling more with being on the other side of NC from him. At first with NC, you have to create the boundary and ignore them but when they continue to reach out, we get angry that they are not respecting our wishes to leave us alone. Then the flip side comes, when they actually do, its another blow. l think deep inside we still want to know that they care or are thinking of us, them stopping contact makes it final. During the process, we are still wrapped up in the cycle and now have to actually accept that its over. You have so many memories and great times and it is easy to get stuck in what it was instead of what it is. l know it hurts like hell but everytime you start to down that dark path remind yourself of the hell he put you through that lead to the BU. lm going to tell you that as l write this, this advice lm passing to you is the same one advice lm going to take myself. Your helping me by being an inspiration. 4
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Dear Silvercloud I am where you were about a month ago, my ex is still contacting me but like you I am maintaining NC. It was especially hard yesterday when he wrote to me he is lonely and that I have been the only one who was ever there for him. It broke my heart not to respond but how can I? He threaten my job, my reputation only a few days before. He is a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes me feel like I am being cruel by ignoring his texts but I don't want to be friends with my ex. I want him to leave me alone. But what happens when he does leave me alone? I think like you I will be very sad to know I no longer matter to him (if I ever did?) Its so hard I agree. You're doing great and reading your experiences helps me to stay strong too. 1
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 GeneralJennyJenn and Firststeps Thankyou both so much for taking the time to reply. I dont want to seem like i am being a total drag but (and as im sure you can imagine from your own personal situations and circumstances) it has not been easy to overcome and accept everything that has happened. I feel like i have totally exhausted all lines of communication with my friends and even my family whom all think that due to the person they know me to be, i should be totally past it by now and have ease in thinking of everything that he wasnt rather than everything that he was. Its not the case. Whilst it has been 7 months since we broke up and 6 since we last saw each other and ive at least allowed sometime to regain momentum it hasnt been without its rifts, additional arguments, hurt and longing. I cant seem to get out of my head how is it that someone who was a stranger became my absolute world, and then became a stranger again? Who promised me his all but was so willing to hurt the person he would supposedly give his all to. How do people do that? firststeps Nail on the head, youre absolutely right. Its the other side of NC. You think that the caring and engaging messages that they are sending are coming from the person you actually wanted to be with before everything went sour. It becomes harder and harder to actually forget all the personal offence especially if you took the role in the relationship where you found it so easy to forgive or overlook those inconsistencies that would otherwise be a problem. But youre right, the boundaries were not being respected and you get conditioned into thinking they are always going to be there and your silence will change them and as much as you want it to, it really doesnt and thats a bitter pill to swallow. And then he gets me in the gut again.. suddenly nothing.. and im no wiser or further out of breaking the cycle of how i feel than i was when he was in contact, being damned if i do and damned if i dont. Started to think maybe it would be easier to surrender my boundaries just so i can have him close after all - there may never be anyone else like him. Romanticising. Its like i want to wipe away his 'record'... but that wont change HIM .. and it wont change the hurt... Ive always been the type of person to try and do whatever it is in my control to change the outcome of a situation for the good of not just me but everyone. But with this i literally had to not do anything.. and thats hard for me. All i have now is literally the power of memory and as time goes by the memories start to fade. Day 103.. I dont want to make it seem at all like its unachievable firststeps, but take it each day as it comes and treat each day seperately. GeneralJennyJenn Its so heartbreaking when you feel like you cant be their salvation when they are lonely and they are missing you too. Its not so much an ego stroke for you as it is you feeling like you have to come out of yourself to meet them halfway, but harsh as it sounds its no longer your responsibility. When my ex threatened me quite significantly i tried to make excuses for him.. angry frustrated.. not over it.. and then i began to explain myself and defend him to everyone i told about the threats. The ignoring side is a necessary 'evil' to protect you. Not him. There is really NO excuse or reason to threaten anybody, no matter what theyre going through. He has to definitely find his own ways and right now its by reaching out to you in hopes that he can feel normal himself - i hope you can continue to respect your own boundaries but whereas you end up feeling pretty conditioned by his responses, nothing will prepare you for when he does leave you alone... there will nothing that now stands in your way between you and your healing. One day at a time. Keep your wits, respect and boundaries about you. You guys are golden, thankyou so much for taking the time out, i appreciate you both [as well as all of the other posters] and i sincerely hope we can move through this with the same state of mind and strength we are giving each other on here regularly just by sharing our experiences.
TrappedWanderer Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Was reading through this thread-thanks for posting. For some reason, today has been unexpectedly rough...like I just can't get out from under all the hurt and pain..... I, too, don't want to burden others with all this hurt, so it's nice to be able to come here and see that other people understand. Not that I'm happy that you, and others, are going through this ordeal, but just the same, it's nice to not feel so completely "alone" with this...especially this time of year. So I second your "THANKS" to everyone. Hang in there!
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Day 104 I sincerely and genuinely HATE this feeling. I dont know whether its because im still pining for him or because things in my life arent going too great. Can someone please PLEASE outline what is the worst that could happen if I was to reach out to him? I know ive kept my NC up but im really not sure just how much longer I can keep it up with how much I think about him and wonder about him. Whats the worst that can happen?
LadyM Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Just because you think and wonder about him is not enough reason to break NC. You think that if you contact him, the pain of being without him will decrease. It won't. Perhaps you are seeking a certain response from him, but chances are good you won't receive it and you'll feel even worse. Contacting him is not the cure for the pain of being without him. From my own experience, that things are not going so great in the other areas of your life will absolutely definitely make you miss him more!! I recommend that whenever you have that urge to contact him, promise yourself you will wait a couple days to make that decision. After a couple days go by, it is likely, hopefully, that your head will be in a different place and you'll understand that contacting him can actually make you feel more pain than you do now, if that is even possible, but it is.
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Just because you think and wonder about him is not enough reason to break NC. You think that if you contact him, the pain of being without him will decrease. It won't. Perhaps you are seeking a certain response from him, but chances are good you won't receive it and you'll feel even worse. Contacting him is not the cure for the pain of being without him. From my own experience, that things are not going so great in the other areas of your life will absolutely definitely make you miss him more!! I recommend that whenever you have that urge to contact him, promise yourself you will wait a couple days to make that decision. After a couple days go by, it is likely, hopefully, that your head will be in a different place and you'll understand that contacting him can actually make you feel more pain than you do now, if that is even possible, but it is. LadyM, its just that he spent the longest time trying to talk to me, through September, October and into November and its only now that i am wondering if i misread his persistence as being a need to be in control and have power? Maybe he wasnt being so black and white? Maybe he did still care for me? And here i am ignoring him consistently at a time when maybe he was genuinely sorry and maybe he did care. Im sorry... this is also my first love, so its hit me pretty hard and pretty deep with regard how to successfully move on. I acknowledge that i am in control of me and the situation of NC but it still sucks, it doesnt feel good to be in control. Im still at a loss. I know what is going on in my personal life has nothing to do with him as such but youre right it does make you want to reach out even more. I dont know if its that i am now yearning for contact because i want to be wrong about him looking for an ego stroke or breadcrumbs. But what i do know is it really hurts to be without anything from him... and all the irrational thoughts start to flow in.. Is he okay Is he seeing someone else Does he even still care Did he give up Was i Wrong <--- the biggest one Why i am basing the conditions of my happiness around him, i have yet to figure out.
LadyM Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) As I read through your posts, so much of what you wrote resonates so strongly with how I felt during my most painful time. But, really, how many times do they have to prove to us that they can't/won't treat us well? You yearn for more contact, but I feel it is with the deep down hope that he will come around and tell you what you want to hear. Tell you all the things he has not been able to say to you the past few months of his contact. You didn't misread all his contact. Trust your instincts. He was lonely, too, and tried his best to manipulate you - he was NOT trying to win you back. Believe me, you would have known if he was truly willing to change his ways and do anything it would take to have a relationship with you again. You know exactly how it feels and sounds when someone is sincere in their desire for you. I know and feel the despair you are going through. I know NC is touted so strongly here and I do feel that is best for you in the long run, but you absolutely have the freedom to contact him again. Perhaps that is what you need to remind yourself, once again, that by NC, you are traveling the healthiest route to your recovery. But, how many reminders do we need that they are unable to give to us what we need? Do you really need him to disappoint you ONCE AGAIN??! I think not. You wrote this in one of your posts......"there may never be anyone else like him." You should pray everyday that this is, indeed, true for you. Edited December 10, 2013 by LadyM 1
organizedchaos Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Day 104 I sincerely and genuinely HATE this feeling. I dont know whether its because im still pining for him or because things in my life arent going too great. Can someone please PLEASE outline what is the worst that could happen if I was to reach out to him? I know ive kept my NC up but im really not sure just how much longer I can keep it up with how much I think about him and wonder about him. Whats the worst that can happen? He could ignore you. How would that make you feel? He could tell you he has someone else. How would that make you feel? He could just be polite, and give you nothing in return. How would that make you feel? He could tell you to never contact him again. How would that make you feel? 1
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 As I read through your posts, so much of what you wrote resonates so strongly with how I felt during my most painful time. But, really, how many times do they have to prove to us that they can't/won't treat us well? You yearn for more contact, but I feel it is with the deep down hope that he will come around and tell you what you want to hear. Tell you all the things he has not been able to say to you the past few months of his contact. You didn't misread all his contact. Trust your instincts. He was lonely, too, and tried his best to manipulate you - he was NOT trying to win you back. Believe me, you would have known if he was truly willing to change his ways and do anything it would take to have a relationship with you again. You know exactly how it feels and sounds when someone is sincere in their desire for you. I know and feel the despair you are going through. I know NC is touted so strongly here and I do feel that is best for you in the long run, but you absolutely have the freedom to contact him again. Perhaps that is what you need to remind yourself, once again, that by NC, you are traveling the healthiest route to your recovery. But, how many reminders do we need that they are unable to give to us what we need? Do you really need him to disappoint you ONCE AGAIN??! I think not. You wrote this in one of your posts......"there may never be anyone else like him." You should pray everyday that this is, indeed, true for you. LadyM, i honestly have no idea how much or many times they need to prove they will not treat us well - because i just seem to ignore all of the signs that pointed to his mistreatment. He wasnt the most emotionally available- part of the machismo im assuming - so you are right, i didnt want the breakup or NC to be a catalyst for him being finally able to tell me what i wished he always would and more so than a text message. All i got was the frustration and the anger in the last couple of months, and that hurt me even more because, im still in love with him, or at least the person he was.. or made himself out to be. Its a really lonely time and its unfortunate that even in that time, that manipulation was more important to him than anything else. I guess you are right, if someone wants you back or for you to face them - theyll do more than just send you a text message. Right now i dont know what i need. There is no more real progression when it comes to NC besides the definite fact of the matter of forgetting him, good memories and bad ones. BUT i still romanticize him and wonder if and how things could be different. Could we maybe possibly be friends? Am i at a stage that he might have already got to with regard to being indifferent? Does he have anything else to offer me or could we function in a way that would be more productive than being ina relationship.. I feel like Sarah damn Jessica Parker with all of these questions. But i honestly do not know anymore. Its been 7 months and while i dont relive the pain like how i did in July/August. Its that final hurdle. Do i wanna FORGET and have the ability to focus on me again and what i need or do i wanna keep on reliving him and the past and keeping him alive in my mind. He has so much power over me. Love makes you do crazy things... but is this even love anymore. He could ignore you. How would that make you feel? He could tell you he has someone else. How would that make you feel? He could just be polite, and give you nothing in return. How would that make you feel? He could tell you to never contact him again. How would that make you feel? How would that make me feel? I wish i knew. Maybe i need to be hurt again to remind me?
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 So i managed to drop and break my phone... no screen.. no output.. no anything... works out just as well.. i still have my exs texts in my phone, i always look at them.. in a hope and attempt to keep him alive. Now i cant do that. 1
Yasuandio Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 So i managed to drop and break my phone... no screen.. no output.. no anything... works out just as well.. i still have my exs texts in my phone, i always look at them.. in a hope and attempt to keep him alive. Now i cant do that. GOOD! I really enjoyed and was inspired by reading your thread tonight. Thank you. Yas
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Thankyou for taking the time to read and understand where i was coming from with my post, Yasuandio. I really appreciate it.
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) So some major technical problems have forced me to also have to change my number... i guess thats a sort of.. good thing.. the texts from my ex are now lost.. its like im being told "theres nothing to relive" which is what i keep doing, and there are alot of people that have my number that i dont think i want them to still have it.. so maybe its a good idea to change it.. a LITTLE part of me still holds out hope that he would contact me again. It really does, i want to believe in my heart of hearts that he still loves me.. in fact im DESPERATE to know and believe that he still loves me.. because i know i still love him, but it was never to be and will never be, and thats a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to moving on and connecting with someone else. Even right now at 400am i want to text him and tell him after 100+ days of NC just how much he meant to me and how much he is missed. But its all in the past and thats difficult to comprehend. Really difficult. I wrote this in my diary in October and i thought id share it with you all: "The process of letting go, getting your strength back after letting go and then sometimes being reminded of the circumstances and the feelings behind why you had to let go...is like going to the funeral of someone close to your heart over n over again." Edited December 16, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
deponie12 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 First of all- big hugs to you!! This NC thing is NOT easy, in fact it's like getting off a drug- we go through major emotional withdrawals. You are doing awesome! I see a therapist ( since Aug) to deal with my screwed up relationship I cut off completely since Nov 5th. She recommended two books that I want to recommend to you: How to Break an Addiction to a Person ( it was great!) The No Contact Rule ( another great one!!) These books have been life savers for me- Stay strong, you are doing great!!! I have made it to day # 42!
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I'm going to look into these books now Thank you a ton for the recommendation and congratulations on a successful streak of NC I hope your will continues to get stronger n understanding more enlightened. I see a therapist also and he's been great at making me see the reality of things amidst the stories I've been creating in order to keep feeling bad about my relationship. NC has not been easy N some days I still struggle to see its function but I still allow to take hold take its course and let the experiences I have transform me. Massive hugs to you!
Author SilverlinedCloud Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 (edited) Well I've officially forgotten how many days of NC it has been. This past week has been so hard with getting a new phone N new number N all. He probably hasn't tried to contact me nor care enough to even try again but with the holidays coming up its incredibly difficult to keep up the willpower to not contact him to wish him happy holidays because I know there is so much more that I want to say. I want to address the level of hurt and torment I reached with his behavior and lack of responsibility.. I want to address how much I wanted to reach out to him during NC and I want to even consider the possibility that we could be friends. Not knowing if or how much I've been able to let go of him or my obsession with everything that he wasn't. I don't know why I want him back. I cried the other day listening to a song that reminded me of him: I have died everyday, waiting for you... All along I believed I would find you... and got caught up thinking well damn.. This really was the one. He wasn't though. I'm trying my hardest to break these thought patterns. Time has alleviated a lot of pressure I've put on myself about it all but I just can't help but to wonder how different things could have been. We would have been 8 months strong last week.. But would I have been happy? What could I have done differently? Was I really the whole reason why we couldn't last? I know when you're in love you should be able and willing to work through anything but there has to be a line and I guess choosing to test each others integrity continuously isn't a smart way to go to see who's bad n who will break. I feel so stupid. Why do I still love him? Edited December 22, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud
Lisa22 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Hey SLC, Just read ur posts and wondered how you have been doing with the NC? Seeing your progress of 75 days a month ago is so Impressive and I truely admire your strength. I am working so hard on my 2 days of NC and doubt I'll make it past Xmas as I am certain that my ex will at Least text me this day. I can only imagine what that day in the park was like for you and I just want to tell you I support you and hope u are well.
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