Some insight on the psyche of people in general.

[ayudorama]

Hi guys, I'm new here. Been reading up threads here the past few months, and the insight I gained helped me deal with my failed relationship. I'm hoping to get some insight on a few things:

 

1) Would you say it is a good gauge to understand a guy by the way he speaks about his past girlfriends? For my case, he was my first relationship (we got together when we were both 26, and we were only together for 14 months before he dropped the break-up bomb) and I was his first 'serious' girlfriend.

 

2) When things go down, and the one you trusted not to stab you in the heart with a knife turns around and do exactly that, it makes you wonder if people are as they appear in front of you, or are they concealing their true selves? I often ask myself, after witnessing my ex orchestrate the break-up the way he did, so 'sudden' (I'm sure he's been thinking about it for a long time quietly, without letting me know) and at a horrendously bad timing (when I was one week away from my honors thesis submission and he knows this fact very well) if a) people are capable of wearing a mask and hiding their real personalities just to impress others or b) do people really change so drastically within a short span of time? Do their words carry any weight, and why the discrepancy between words and actions?

 

Just a little background, I'm 7 months past the break-up, and I'm at a good place. Forgiven and forgotten. I have also come to understand that I will always love my ex (he was a childhood friend from when we were 11, we reconnected and fell in love when we were 26) for sentimental reasons, him being my 'first love' and all that shizz, but I highly doubt his words when he called me his 'first true love', since I was obviously not his first girlfriend. The pain has subsided, and I actually saw him from afar the other day, and surprisingly didn't feel any sadness or grief, but as I was bending down to put my shoes on, he kinda disappeared. He was heading in my direction towards the mall I was at, so I just tell myself that maybe he really doesn't want to meet me. Either way, I'm fine.

 

It's nice to finally not cry over every little thing. For everyone who are still struggling, you'll get your closure one day. I'm sure of it

[crazybestie101]

You got me hopeful. I assume you were on NC for 7 months. Its good amount of time. He never tried to reach you out in all this time ?

[lovelylilly]

When things go down, and the one you trusted not to stab you in the heart with a knife turns around and do exactly that, it makes you wonder if people are as they appear in front of you, or are they concealing their true selves?

 

I am struggling with this right now. My last break up really was sudden and out of the blue and it has hit me harder than ones in the past. Everything was fine one day and then next day it's like he never existed. I don't think it's fair to be thinking about breaking up with someone and appear to be happy--it's very misleading and can do emotional damage to someone. In past experiences (when I was the dumper) I expressed my feelings to my significant others and told them how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. Most people don't do that because they are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings.

 

I'm not sure if what I've said makes sense or helps. I don't understand people well anymore, it's all a mystery to me . I'm happy you found your peace though, it's a hard thing to do.

 

Best wishes xxx.

[ayudorama]

You got me hopeful. I assume you were on NC for 7 months. Its good amount of time. He never tried to reach you out in all this time ?

 

Hey there Yes, I was NC for 7 months. I didn't quite put up a fight when he dropped the bomb over a text message (yes, a text message). I think every break-up is unique in its own way. When he sent me a few texts with the gist "My heart changed, we're just not meant for each other. Let's separate", my initial reaction was anger. Feeling betrayed, I lashed out at him and then left it at that. Next day, he apologises, says perhaps we should talk it out. I said okay, wrote him a long text telling him what I feel (saying that perhaps we should start from scratch as friends and work on things - this isn't the first time he's been hasty and suddenly suggest breaking up. Probably the fourth time), then he made a complete 180 again, and said "Let's just break-up, it's done".

 

I guess the effect of all of this is compounded by the fact that we were seriously discussing marriage mid of next year. The about-turn came as a shock to me.

 

So to answer your question, no he never once tried to reach out to me. In fact, he didn't even want to see me, or hear my voice. Sent my stuff back to me through the mail, mind you, he stays 5 minutes away, but preferred to make that longer trip to the post office instead of drop them off at my place or meet me somewhere.

 

I attribute his avoidance to guilt. He once told me about a month prior to the break-up that he "can never see me if (he) can never have me", which I would take at face value, but I highly doubt the validity of his words

 

Have you been NC for just as long? Don't worry, the pace varies according to different individuals. What is important is you keep moving forward, take a day at a time. It is completely okay to suddenly have a bad day when you feel like crying just like the first time the blow was dealt to your heart, a step backwards every now and then, but a step forward after that, and after that, and then one day you realize you don't hurt quite as much anymore. Hang in there, friend.

 

I am struggling with this right now. My last break up really was sudden and out of the blue and it has hit me harder than ones in the past. Everything was fine one day and then next day it's like he never existed. I don't think it's fair to be thinking about breaking up with someone and appear to be happy--it's very misleading and can do emotional damage to someone. In past experiences (when I was the dumper) I expressed my feelings to my significant others and told them how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. Most people don't do that because they are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings.

 

lovelylilly, thank you for sharing your thoughts! I can relate to what you said on many levels. I guess it takes one to know one. My situation was similar to yours, and I agree with you, it isn't the fact that the one we love so dearly wants nothing else to do with us (goes from "hey, watcha having for lunch babe?" to "let's break-up." within the span of a day) - but it is how the act was done that leaves the biggest emotional dent. It's ironic isn't it, when they claim they concealed their real thoughts over a long period of time because they "are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings", but the ultimate betrayal is actually when you, the person left behind to reconcile with the reality and pick up the pieces, forced to move on without any answers - your heart hurts much much more when you realize that the months leading up to the break-up, when you both had your own moments together where words of affection, smiles and memories were shared - all of these precious moments did not appear the same way to them as it did to you. I feel why it took me 7 months to reach this sort of peace is because of all the discrepancies I had to deal with in his behaviour. His words and actions don't match.

 

I echo your sentiments though, people continue being enigmatic entities to me. Which is why I am a little more guarded now when I meet new people. I hope you'll find your peace too, one day

Edited October 28, 2013 by ayudorama

[polger]

I've been in no contact since my breakup 5 or 6 months ago. Very same as you my ex talked about breaking up a couple of times before we broke up. She said to me I can't imagine not talking to you, we have contacted each other just to let the other know that we were sending each others stuff on as we live a good distance away. It's not easy letting a person go after being together for a long time. I've was with this person for 3 years, even tho the last year was not healthy for both of us, I'm still attached to her and care for her. So I'm guessing it's not that he wants nothing got to do with you, he needs his space at the moment. He may never come around to talking to you, but if he is avoiding you then it's very likely he still has unresolved feelings for you. Right now I'm in a good place, but I'm sure I'd be very vulnerable around my ex.

 

To be honest I don't think you should be concerned about why he hasn't contacted you. He has his own reasons for NC and so do you. Thinking about his motives is preventing you from moving on that bit more. I find it helps to think back to the relationship and ask yourself if you were as happy in the relationship as you were before it.

[Mz_sassy_77]

1) Would you say it is a good gauge to understand a guy by the way he speaks about his past girlfriends? For my case, he was my first relationship (we got together when we were both 26, and we were only together for 14 months before he dropped the break-up bomb) and I was his first 'serious' girlfriend.

 

2) When things go down, and the one you trusted not to stab you in the heart with a knife turns around and do exactly that, it makes you wonder if people are as they appear in front of you, or are they concealing their true selves? I often ask myself, after witnessing my ex orchestrate the break-up the way he did, so 'sudden' (I'm sure he's been thinking about it for a long time quietly, without letting me know) and at a horrendously bad timing (when I was one week away from my honors thesis submission and he knows this fact very well) if a) people are capable of wearing a mask and hiding their real personalities just to impress others or b) do people really change so drastically within a short span of time? Do their words carry any weight, and why the discrepancy between words and actions?

 

 

1 - I totally believe this now. When I met my EX he had a previous long term. He said he had no idea why it didn't work out and made his EX out to be the "bad" person in the relationship. I now know that she must of been very very unhappy with him since he is total **** at relationships and has no idea how to treat the other half in his life. He just wanted it to seem like poor me, I've been so hard done by and I'm really a good guy - NOT THE CASE. In the future if someone blames the entire break down of a relationship on the other person then I will know that's a red flag.

 

2. I don't think anyone ever really knows another person. I think we get to see another side of them during a BU. One that has always been there but we just didn't know it. I am actually really grateful I got to see this side of him. Before this I would of said he was a decent caring guy. But there was another side to him which was cold, which he could just switch off, which didn't care at all, which lied, which was calculating, which was manipulating, which was totally self-centred. Did me a favour actually cos i dont want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. If he hadn't done this now then 1 year, 2 years, 10 years from now he would of turned around and done it. Would rather it be done now then waste any more time on the loser

[ayudorama]

So I'm guessing it's not that he wants nothing got to do with you, he needs his space at the moment. He may never come around to talking to you, but if he is avoiding you then it's very likely he still has unresolved feelings for you. Right now I'm in a good place, but I'm sure I'd be very vulnerable around my ex.

 

To be honest I don't think you should be concerned about why he hasn't contacted you. He has his own reasons for NC and so do you. Thinking about his motives is preventing you from moving on that bit more. I find it helps to think back to the relationship and ask yourself if you were as happy in the relationship as you were before it.

 

Hey polger, from what you described, it seems that the both of you ended things on a good note? Correct me if I'm wrong Did that, in any way, help you cope better with the separation?

 

We didn't end on a good note. Although I tried to by putting in a few words of sincere gratitude for the times spent together, and even apologised for all the hurtful words exchanged. I wasn't expecting him to do the same, I remember him ending things on a very bad note (he said some very hurtful things, blamed me for the break-up, basically listing out all my faults, and what I did wrong).

 

That's interesting, actually. I find it extremely ironic. He may have unresolved feelings for me, but it was him who wanted the break-up. Doesn't bother me, however, because I've made peace with all that's happened, both the good and the bad. I don't expect him to be at the same place I'm at.

 

You know, I wonder if that vulnerability ever goes away? I suspect it doesn't really, completely. I haven't actually had a situation where I had to face my ex and speak to him, so I guess only time will tell!

 

Ah, no worries I'm not concerned about his lack of contact. In fact, I take that as a sign of him respecting me enough to allow me to heal. And I'm grateful. I'm just curious to understand people better, in general. And thank you, I'll ponder on that question for abit I was definitely happier in the relationship, than before. But even after the advent of the separation, I feel like I am much much more capable of being happy even if I'm by myself. I'd like to think that I've learnt abit more about myself, failed relationship notwithstanding.

 

1 - I totally believe this now. In the future if someone blames the entire break down of a relationship on the other person then I will know that's a red flag.

 

2. I don't think anyone ever really knows another person. I think we get to see another side of them during a BU. One that has always been there but we just didn't know it. I am actually really grateful I got to see this side of him. Before this I would of said he was a decent caring guy. But there was another side to him which was cold, which he could just switch off, which didn't care at all, which lied, which was calculating, which was manipulating, which was totally self-centred.

 

I find myself nodding quietly to a lot of the things you said here. Sometimes they make themselves out to be the victims, but we all know that it is never that simple. Most of the time, both parties contributed to the breakdown of a relationship, I'd think. Funny, I was just like you, thinking to myself, "Ah, no wonder they say nice guys finish last, they always get played by their partners! Poor dude." whenever he speaks about his exes. He even describes how the break-up is done and how he feels unfazed, although he brought up the break-up 'nicely', the ex would still be angry many months down the line, even to the extent of writing a long note, on a social media network, slamming him, without actually naming him, but tagging him in that note itself. He tried to explain himself to me so I wouldn't misunderstand him. When I look back, these are such obvious red flags I entirely missed out on. Because naïve old me thought he'd never hurt me the same way he hurt these other girls, because he said they were just casual relationships, whereas this was his first long-term one. Oh, the naïvete!

 

I understand that it is in the basic nature of humans to be selfish and self-serving, but this trait needs to be balanced off with a tad dash of selflessness in order to sustain and nurture the relationship you're trying to build with another individual.. right? I guess I'm trying to understand why someone would actually go all out and admit they're selfish and don't have the capacity to care for another person, after spending so much time with her. Why not try to change yourself to facilitate the one you claim you love? Ah, people are such mysteries to me!

 

And that bit scares me about people! That proverbial emotional switch. How is that even possible? I haven't had much conversations with my girlfriends about this, but it does seem to me that the men may be better predisposed to this. I wonder if it's a self-defense mechanism.

Edited October 28, 2013 by ayudorama

[Mz_sassy_77]

 

And that bit scares me about people! That proverbial emotional switch. How is that even possible? I haven't had much conversations with my girlfriends about this, but it does seem to me that the men may be better predisposed to this. I wonder if it's a self-defense mechanism.

 

It scares the hell out of me too. Cos how do I spot someone like this in the future. It literally was like a switch. I mean nothing significant happened. I always think of BU's and there's an argument or major issues for along time that both people know about but ignore. Maybe there was and I was too dumb to see it. But the best way I can describe it is one day he just made up his mind he didn't want to be with me anymore, turned off all love for me, went cold. And that was it. And this was someone who I truly believed loved me and would never hurt me. I think I'm going to have some major trust issues in the future because of this. Truth is he'd rather be out there partying and free and having a great time with people he spent a lot of time complaining to me about when we were together, then be with me. Very shallow.

[ayudorama]

I always think of BU's and there's an argument or major issues for along time that both people know about but ignore. Maybe there was and I was too dumb to see it. But the best way I can describe it is one day he just made up his mind he didn't want to be with me anymore, turned off all love for me, went cold. And that was it. And this was someone who I truly believed loved me and would never hurt me. I think I'm going to have some major trust issues in the future because of this. Truth is he'd rather be out there partying and free and having a great time with people he spent a lot of time complaining to me about when we were together, then be with me. Very shallow.

 

Your BU must have come as more of a shock for you (than my situation because we had some major unresolved issues) and I would be able to understand why you'd find it difficult to trust anyone else after him. How long were you two together? Is it possible that he's one of those who are afraid of commitment? My ex seems like that sorta person too - which is why all his previous relationships were short-termed. And I wouldn't even call our relationship long-term, just 14 months, but it was his longest so far.

 

Problems notwithstanding, I've learnt that while I truly believe that any sort of issues can be resolved if BOTH parties truly wanted it (compromise, compromise, compromise!) there is also the other side of the camp where individuals would much rather walk away than put in all that effort - which basically tells me that what we had wasn't worth all that trouble. Ouch.

 

You know, what's funny is my ex knew I was innately very guarded before he came along (had my first relationship with him at 26, slow bloomer and all that stuff) and he worked so hard to build that trust so I'd be able to lower my guard and let him in, all the while assuring me he'd never hurt me, never make me cry. Well guess what, he did exactly that. Which is why I feel that he can never actually look me in the eye for quite literally forever, if we ever meet out in the streets. As for me, I've even EVEN MORE distrusting of men, and so I can totally relate with your mentioning trust issues. Sigh.

 

I'm trying to learn as much as I can from this failure, so I'd be wiser next time. Especially with the red flags.

 

Curious about something though: It seems like the majority of the dumpees here didn't see the BU coming, ie. ex was still affectionate, continued making promises and long-term plans and then a day later dumps them altogether. My question is this, if everyone else feels that this is low and extremely hurtful (the pretence): Would you do the same thing to someone else you'd possibly dump in your next relationship? Or would you bring up the issue for discussion soonest without delay and try to salvage it? I know the answer seems obvious, but when put in the situation, it isn't so easy to do. In my ideal world, I'd so match two people who have been dumped that same horrible way before, so they'd know how to manage themselves better. And on the flipside, put two dumpers together and let them feel how horrible we felt after being treated the way we were. If only!

Edited October 30, 2013 by ayudorama

[Mz_sassy_77]

Your BU must have come as more of a shock for you (than my situation because we had some major unresolved issues) and I would be able to understand why you'd find it difficult to trust anyone else after him. How long were you two together?

 

Problems notwithstanding, I've learnt that while I truly believe that any sort of issues can be resolved if BOTH parties truly wanted it (compromise, compromise, compromise!) there is also the other side of the camp where individuals would much rather walk away than put in all that effort - which basically tells me that what we had wasn't worth all that trouble. Ouch.

 

You know, what's funny is my ex knew I was innately very guarded before he came along (had my first relationship with him at 26, slow bloomer and all that stuff) and he worked so hard to build that trust so I'd be able to lower my guard and let him in, all the while assuring me he'd never hurt me, never make me cry. Well guess what, he did exactly that. Which is why I feel that he can never actually look me in the eye for quite literally forever, if we ever meet out in the streets. As for me, I've even EVEN MORE distrusting of men, and so I can totally relate with your mentioning trust issues. Sigh.

 

We were together for a bit over 3 years. But we both fell hard in the beginning and there was genuine love there.

 

I'm like you too. I think that any issues can be resolved if you are willing to do the work. And yeah you are right, he just didn't see me or the relationship as worth working on. He's always been like this with me though. There's any issue and we break up. I'm really interested to see what happens with his next relationship. He thinks if he meets someone where they have everything in common - interests etc - they will live happily together forever. So I am wanting to see what happens when he does meet someone who he sees as more compatible when issues arise if the same thing is going to happen. I don't think he has the ability to sort out a problem with his partner.

 

And I am pretty guarded too. I think the last time around I held a lot of myself back as a self protection mechanism since the trust had pretty much been shattered by the previous BU's. But my EX knew what I was like when we met, and he would use that as an excuse to BU with me. I was talking to a GF about it and telling her all the reasons he gave in a previous BU and she just said but he must of known you were like this when you met. And he would of too. I don't know anyone who gets into a relationship with someone and then expects them to develop a whole new personality. Which is basically what he was saying he wanted.

 

total mind ****

[ayudorama]

He's always been like this with me though. There's any issue and we break up. I'm really interested to see what happens with his next relationship. He thinks if he meets someone where they have everything in common - interests etc - they will live happily together forever.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth!

 

Which means there's so many more of them out there just like this. WHICH SCARES ME. Mine was exactly like yours, and I mean to a T. Whenever we had a disagreement, his first reaction isn't to discuss and try to reach a middle ground, it'd be let's just end this. A typical conversation would be:

 

Ex: Hey, I'd really like to look after my folks even after we're married. Which means I'd like to stay with them often to watch over them. My sister too, so we can take turns. Her boyfriend and her seems okay with it, it's us we have to work on.

 

Me: Uh, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that arrangement.

 

Ex: Oh, then that'll be unfair for you. Let's just break off the engagement.

 

This is after a year of being together, I thought this sorta ON-OFF switch wouldn't persist past the first few months we were together, thinking he'd change but wow, no.

 

Even when he wanted that BU, he cited incompatibility. I told him there is no way he'd be able to find a girl who is completely compatible with him - but he can die trying. Even if two people are closely-compatible, the minor incompatibilities will drive him crazy. Or drive his partner crazy, because he's so rigid and uncompromising, and is basically just a runner in general.

 

Let you in on a little secret, I too think like you with regards to this:

 

So I am wanting to see what happens when he does meet someone who he sees as more compatible when issues arise if the same thing is going to happen. I don't think he has the ability to sort out a problem with his partner.

 

Edited October 30, 2013 by ayudorama

[Mz_sassy_77]

Took the words right out of my mouth!

 

Which means there's so many more of them out there just like this. WHICH SCARES ME. Mine was exactly like yours, and I mean to a T. Whenever we had a disagreement, his first reaction isn't to discuss and try to reach a middle ground, it'd be let's just end this. A typical conversation would be:

 

Ex: Hey, I'd really like to look after my folks even after we're married. Which means I'd like to stay with them often to watch over them. My sister too, so we can take turns. Her boyfriend and her seems okay with it, it's us we have to work on.

 

Me: Uh, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that arrangement.

 

Ex: Oh, then that'll be unfair for you. Let's just break off the engagement.

 

This is after a year of being together, I thought this sorta ON-OFF switch wouldn't persist past the first few months we were together, thinking he'd change but wow, no.

 

Even when he wanted that BU, he cited incompatibility. I told him there is no way he'd be able to find a girl who is completely compatible with him - but he can die trying. Even if two people are closely-compatible, the minor incompatibilities will drive him crazy. Or drive his partner crazy, because he's so rigid and uncompromising, and is basically just a runner in general.

 

Let you in on a little secret, I too think like you with regards to this:

 

 

 

 

WOW. Maybe your EX and my EX are related. LOL

 

You know what I would get - "you should be able to tell me anything". OK so then if something was bothering me about us, whatever it is, and usually it was something pretty minor he would come back with "I just can't see this working out. will you really be happy in the future. blah blah". And then we would break up.

 

And I mean literally the 3 times I bought up issues with him - were the 3 times we broke up. I mean you can't have a relationship with someone like that because you know if you say anything or disagree with them then It's going to be this HUGE thing. And then he would turn around and complain I was too guarded. Well Yeah. I mean you can't win.

 

And oh i bought up the compatibility thing too. I said pretty much what you said. I am just so curious now as to what happens when you have this idea in your mind about your perfect mate and if you do meet them. How does that work out? I know people who have been so perfect for each other in their interests and it didn't last. And then ironically the people that I know who have stayed together the longest are opposites with this yin yang thing going on.

[ayudorama]

WOW. Maybe your EX and my EX are related. LOL

 

You know what I would get - "you should be able to tell me anything". OK so then if something was bothering me about us, whatever it is, and usually it was something pretty minor he would come back with "I just can't see this working out. will you really be happy in the future. blah blah". And then we would break up.

 

And I mean literally the 3 times I bought up issues with him - were the 3 times we broke up. I mean you can't have a relationship with someone like that because you know if you say anything or disagree with them then It's going to be this HUGE thing. And then he would turn around and complain I was too guarded. Well Yeah. I mean you can't win.

 

And oh i bought up the compatibility thing too. I said pretty much what you said. I am just so curious now as to what happens when you have this idea in your mind about your perfect mate and if you do meet them. How does that work out? I know people who have been so perfect for each other in their interests and it didn't last. And then ironically the people that I know who have stayed together the longest are opposites with this yin yang thing going on.

 

Well hello, are they related for real? The whole time I was reading what you wrote, I was nodding. Even down to the fact that each time an issue is being brought up, it'll quickly escalate to a BU.

 

The fourth and final time he brought up a BU with me was the only time I hadn't tried so hard to try and make him stay. I got sick of it. Sick of being the only one who wants to try solve our problems, the only one trying to hold us together. I mean, what's the point right? It keeps repeating itself, imagine the same scenario - with kids in tow, wouldn't that be even more disastrous?

 

Hey, did you ever bring this up with him though? The fact that every time you bring an issue up, it becomes a major thing ie. a BU. But wait, how is that your fault, that you're too guarded, that - as a contributing factor to the frequent BUs? Mine kept asking me to speak up, to tell him what I feel - but the thing is this, I KNOW that he doesn't have the capacity to listen and try to work things out, so I'd much rather keep it to myself (which doesn't help matters at all, I'm aware, but it's like each time I do speak up, it leads to him breaking things off and I wanted to skirt around that). I do love him, afterall.

 

You know, I feel that while compatibility is somewhat important during the initial stages of laying out the foundations of your relationship, it isn't the deciding factor. Circumstances, and whole-hearted mutual effort & understanding - they're the real deciding factors. Like you, I've seen more of the opposites attract combination making it through the long run than the we-have-so-much-in-common-we-might-as-well-be-twins partnership.

[Mz_sassy_77]

Well hello, are they related for real? The whole time I was reading what you wrote, I was nodding. Even down to the fact that each time an issue is being brought up, it'll quickly escalate to a BU.

 

The fourth and final time he brought up a BU with me was the only time I hadn't tried so hard to try and make him stay. I got sick of it. Sick of being the only one who wants to try solve our problems, the only one trying to hold us together. I mean, what's the point right? It keeps repeating itself, imagine the same scenario - with kids in tow, wouldn't that be even more disastrous?

 

Hey, did you ever bring this up with him though? The fact that every time you bring an issue up, it becomes a major thing ie. a BU. But wait, how is that your fault, that you're too guarded, that - as a contributing factor to the frequent BUs? Mine kept asking me to speak up, to tell him what I feel - but the thing is this, I KNOW that he doesn't have the capacity to listen and try to work things out, so I'd much rather keep it to myself (which doesn't help matters at all, I'm aware, but it's like each time I do speak up, it leads to him breaking things off and I wanted to skirt around that). I do love him, afterall.

 

You know, I feel that while compatibility is somewhat important during the initial stages of laying out the foundations of your relationship, it isn't the deciding factor. Circumstances, and whole-hearted mutual effort & understanding - they're the real deciding factors. Like you, I've seen more of the opposites attract combination making it through the long run than the we-have-so-much-in-common-we-might-as-well-be-twins partnership.

 

Yeah i was the third and final time. Usually what happens is we BU - always initiated by him. And then within the month he starts contacting me apologizing and eventually we just end up getting back together somehow. And then it's like nothing even happened. The last time he did the same thing after the BU and I turned around and told him that I am glad we are not together anymore and am moving on etc. He said he wanted to be friends and I said No. I haven't heard from him since because that's how he is. He can't handle me being angry about it. It's like he expected me to go oh ok then and yeah let's be friends. WTF??? But you know what I know him so well and I know that because I didn't respond in the way he wanted he will be walking around making himself out to be the victim now and putting it all on me - so everyone will be like oh poor guy.

 

I did bring it up once with him actually during a BU. And he didn't really respond to it. I said something like you tell me i should be able to talk to you about anything but If I tell you how I'm feeling or if there is something wrong you turn around and do this (BU). He just took that and turned it into I'm not upset about the issue I had bought up but will we be happy down the track etc. So he basically avoided it. I think its called passive agressive. Or another theory I have is that he is so terrified of me leaving him since his last long term GF did that he wants to get in first.

 

I know he is actively looking for someone else. He tells everyone he is happy being single etc. But it's a lie. He literally can't be on his own. He always needs people around him, be doing something, be out, be talking to someone online. He is just so FULL ON. When you are in a relationship with him it is all consuming. And that doesn't wear off either. That's what he is like through the entire relationship. And if you are not there for him

 

But I did love him and I don't think he BU for legitimate reasons. I think they were shallow reasons and for things that don't really matter if you have someone who genuinely cares for you and will stick out tough times with you - which i did with him. I firmly believe he will find this out in the future and either end up alone or settle for a relationship in which he is very unhappy and he is terrified of that.

[Mz_sassy_77]

And yeah he often bought up the fact that I wasn't open enough with him about my feelings etc. It was in every single BU. Well there is a reason for that. You can never let your guard down and be your true self when you know the one person in the world who is supposed to love you is going to use that as a reason to end it. It's kind of sick when you think about it.

[ayudorama]

I haven't heard from him since because that's how he is. He can't handle me being angry about it. It's like he expected me to go oh ok then and yeah let's be friends. WTF??? But you know what I know him so well and I know that because I didn't respond in the way he wanted he will be walking around making himself out to be the victim now and putting it all on me - so everyone will be like oh poor guy.

 

How long have you been NC? I wouldn't be surprised if one day when you suddenly run into him out there, he'd be sorta cold around you. Or he'd try to avoid you altogether.

 

I'm beginning to see a similar behavioural pattern in all of this. This will be one of the red flags I'll look out for in the future. It seems to me that this is more common than I once thought.

 

It's emotionally-stressful isn't it? Being with someone who can detach as quickly as he can attach. Your ex does seem a little all-consuming, which can also tire you out. 3 years is a really long time, however. In all honesty, I tried to imagine having 3 years worth of memories with my ex (when I just had 14 months worth) and I can imagine how much more painful it must have been for you, having been repeatedly 'discarded' that way.

 

How were your BUs? If you don't mind sharing. For me the three short BUs prior to the large one was.. cold, and cruel. Like, let's BU. Full stop. But the final one was... horrendous. I mean, after some time being repeatedly treated like a disposable item made me feel like trash, and he picked up on that and made it worse by saying no, he treated me more like garbage. It was mean, and spiteful, and quite plainly, heart-breaking.

 

That emotional switch scares me the most. It really does.

 

And guess what?

 

So he basically avoided it. I think its called passive agressive. Or another theory I have is that he is so terrified of me leaving him since his last long term GF did that he wants to get in first.

My ex said something along the lines of, "I was so afraid to lose you." when I asked about his behaviour, the "switch". I replied "so you chose to leave me first?" He kept quiet. Silence means agreement? And mine too avoided it, he more or less expected me to 'recalibrate' his harshness and behaviour because I am the only one who can 'tolerate' him, to quote his words. Wow.

 

I firmly believe he will find this out in the future and either end up alone or settle for a relationship in which he is very unhappy and he is terrified of that.

 

Word. Except that I feel if nothing changes in him when he settles down, then his partner will have to endure a lot of pain. But a bigger part of me feels that he as a person, is better off alone. I think he knows this.

 

One time when he met my folks, he told them he'd much rather be alone, than be with someone if that means he'd have to leave his parents. I respect his intentions, and I'm all for helping him take care of his elderly folks, but wow, to hear that coming from the mouth of someone you love and would quite literally adjust your life around just to accommodate him, that hurts.

 

And yeah he often bought up the fact that I wasn't open enough with him about my feelings etc. It was in every single BU. Well there is a reason for that. You can never let your guard down and be your true self when you know the one person in the world who is supposed to love you is going to use that as a reason to end it. It's kind of sick when you think about it.

 

YES. YES. YES. THIS! And whilst we go through this internal struggle within ourselves, they have no inkling whatsoever. And I don't think they'd care.

[Mz_sassy_77]

How long have you been NC? I wouldn't be surprised if one day when you suddenly run into him out there, he'd be sorta cold around you. Or he'd try to avoid you altogether.

 

It's been about 2 months now and I am only now just starting to feel a bit better. You know how it is - getting used to not having them around, missing them all the time, them consuming their thoughts. Really it is a good thing because the relationship was very dysfunctional and it is better to end it now then continue on like this. I have basically had to deal with a BU every year for the past 3 years so that can take a toll on you emotionally and on your self esteem too. And in the past we were never apart long enough for me to really take a proper look at the relationship and how bad it was for me.

 

 

It's emotionally-stressful isn't it? Being with someone who can detach as quickly as he can attach. Your ex does seem a little all-consuming, which can also tire you out. 3 years is a really long time, however. In all honesty, I tried to imagine having 3 years worth of memories with my ex (when I just had 14 months worth) and I can imagine how much more painful it must have been for you, having been repeatedly 'discarded' that way.

You said it in one there. He does attach very very fast. He actually chased me. I really wasn't attracted to him at all at first. And he told me he loved me first. And yes as quickly as they attach they detach. This is something that has made me smarter in relationships now I think and I will see this as a red flag in the future, probably for you too. You're lucky it was only 14 months. 3 years of it has left me a bit of a mess. I have to take my share of the blame in that because I kept taking him back. But I have learned from this and that people will treat you the way you let them. Really I should of told him to take a hike a long time ago.

 

How were your BUs? If you don't mind sharing. For me the three short BUs prior to the large one was.. cold, and cruel. Like, let's BU. Full stop. But the final one was... horrendous. I mean, after some time being repeatedly treated like a disposable item made me feel like trash, and he picked up on that and made it worse by saying no, he treated me more like garbage. It was mean, and spiteful, and quite plainly, heart-breaking.

No I don't mind at all. I have to say none of our BU's were ever nasty and that's probably one of the reasons we kept getting back together - for me at least - because I would be like what the hell happened there and still be thinking about all the good times, still love him, still hoping it would work out and he would realize his mistake. But you do feel disposable and it's not a good feeling. And then when you get back together you are never ever secure in the relationship again. It's always there and after the initial happiness of reuniting you start to worry about the reasons he had and if you are doing or not doing things that will break you up again. It really is no way to live.

 

That emotional switch scares me the most. It really does.

Absolutely. I would like to think that he does hurt. But who knows with these people really.

 

 

My ex said something along the lines of, "I was so afraid to lose you." when I asked about his behaviour, the "switch". I replied "so you chose to leave me first?" He kept quiet. Silence means agreement? And mine too avoided it, he more or less expected me to 'recalibrate' his harshness and behaviour because I am the only one who can 'tolerate' him, to quote his words. Wow.

But its so backward. I am so afraid to lose you so I dump you...and then they lose you anyway because they BU with you. It just does not make any sense. I wonder if it's about saving face. They worry you will BU with them and they don't want to look like their OP didn't want to be with them so they get in first and can tell the world they BU with you. My ex loves telling people that. "It's ok. I BU with her so It's all good"...

 

 

 

One time when he met my folks, he told them he'd much rather be alone, than be with someone if that means he'd have to leave his parents. I respect his intentions, and I'm all for helping him take care of his elderly folks, but wow, to hear that coming from the mouth of someone you love and would quite literally adjust your life around just to accommodate him, that hurts.

It does hurt yes. And guess what in my relationship I did all the accomodating around him. You don't even realize you are doing it. Its so subtle at first. He just expects his OP to fit in around him and his world and be there for him when it suits and not be there when it suits. My life basically revolved around him. Now I realize he did no accomodating for me - changed nothing in his life, made no changes. The relationship was completely on his terms and that's the way he likes it.

 

 

YES. YES. YES. THIS! And whilst we go through this internal struggle within ourselves, they have no inkling whatsoever. And I don't think they'd care.

I don't think they care either. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of the things he said. Maybe that's part of the game they play so you are insecure and hang around. Now I just think he has a lot of issues and there is nothing I can do about that.

[ayudorama]

It's been about 2 months now and I am only now just starting to feel a bit better. You know how it is - getting used to not having them around, missing them all the time, them consuming their thoughts. Really it is a good thing because the relationship was very dysfunctional and it is better to end it now then continue on like this. I have basically had to deal with a BU every year for the past 3 years so that can take a toll on you emotionally and on your self esteem too. And in the past we were never apart long enough for me to really take a proper look at the relationship and how bad it was for me.

I'm glad you're starting to heal, the initial weeks sometimes feel like forever. And it's good that you're convinced it was the right thing to do, and not going through denial (like I did, which sucked).

 

You said it in one there. He does attach very very fast. He actually chased me. I really wasn't attracted to him at all at first. And he told me he loved me first. And yes as quickly as they attach they detach. This is something that has made me smarter in relationships now I think and I will see this as a red flag in the future, probably for you too. You're lucky it was only 14 months. 3 years of it has left me a bit of a mess. I have to take my share of the blame in that because I kept taking him back. But I have learned from this and that people will treat you the way you let them. Really I should of told him to take a hike a long time ago.

We have so many things in common with our past BU, it's uncanny. Being chased, being told within a few months that they love us. I guess you're right, we let them get away with being treated that way. I mistook that as forgiving someone you love, thinking you'd be able to work on things together. Guess some things really don't change, even with time.

 

No I don't mind at all. I have to say none of our BU's were ever nasty and that's probably one of the reasons we kept getting back together - for me at least - because I would be like what the hell happened there and still be thinking about all the good times, still love him, still hoping it would work out and he would realize his mistake. But you do feel disposable and it's not a good feeling. And then when you get back together you are never ever secure in the relationship again. It's always there and after the initial happiness of reuniting you start to worry about the reasons he had and if you are doing or not doing things that will break you up again. It really is no way to live.

It's clearer to me now than before, but I agree with what you said here. I was so stubborn about trying to work things out, despite every BU - which comes up to once every 4-5months for me. It's like waiting for that very day when they'd snap. Is it today that he'll leave? Is it tomorrow? 7 months ago during our final BU, when he suddenly turned around and said he'd listen (after refusing to listen to me just a day before when I pleaded) and I told him the damage has been done, and that we should just start from the bottom again, as friends, he said "I'm sorry I lashed out. I do it all the time."

 

So he knows that he does this all the time we have a disagreement - suggest to BU, yet he keeps repeating it again and again. Just because I love him, am I expected to tolerate being treated that way? It hurts because he told me repeatedly when we were together that he knows "how much I mean to you", and yet still treats me this way. Way to go.

 

Absolutely. I would like to think that he does hurt. But who knows with these people really.

I truly believe they do hurt. But not the way we do. During our BU, my ex said "Go ahead and think I'm not hurting. Go ahead and think you never mattered to me." At that time, it hurts me to know that he's hurting, this, on top of the hurt and betrayal I felt. But I realised that he's responsible for his hurt, and I'm responsible for nursing mine. Afterall, HE chose to end it. While I had to accept his decision, whether I saw it coming, or whether I wanted it or not

 

But its so backward. I am so afraid to lose you so I dump you...and then they lose you anyway because they BU with you. It just does not make any sense. I wonder if it's about saving face. They worry you will BU with them and they don't want to look like their OP didn't want to be with them so they get in first and can tell the world they BU with you. My ex loves telling people that. "It's ok. I BU with her so It's all good"...

Pride definitely has a place in all of this. And male ego. My ex is probably a bit different in that I know he's extremely private and he wouldn't go around talking about me to anyone. But still, that sucks. That your ex would go around doing this, bolstering his ego like that. That's low, and speaks more about him than about you, in actuality.

 

It does hurt yes. And guess what in my relationship I did all the accomodating around him. You don't even realize you are doing it. Its so subtle at first. He just expects his OP to fit in around him and his world and be there for him when it suits and not be there when it suits. My life basically revolved around him. Now I realize he did no accomodating for me - changed nothing in his life, made no changes. The relationship was completely on his terms and that's the way he likes it.

Another commonality between you and me. I think we made the same mistakes :/ I realized this midway into the relationship, because I saw myself bending over just to accommodate him, while he took and took and very rarely gave. One word: selfish. He admitted to it himself during our BU, that he "never cared", and that he's selfish.

 

I don't think they care either. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of the things he said. Maybe that's part of the game they play so you are insecure and hang around. Now I just think he has a lot of issues and there is nothing I can do about that.

Same sentiments. It just sucks that we had to go through all that pain only to realize too late, after our hearts got broken :(Hurts even more knowing that someone I knew since I was 11 could actually turn around and hurt me, knowing very well that he's the first man I let in. And you know what? His mother was both our teachers in high school. And his mom and I get along rather well those few times he introduced me to his family at his home. Which makes our BU extremely weird. I told myself I'd be polite if I run into his mom outside, and just nod and say hi to him without trying to make conversation.

Edited October 30, 2013 by ayudorama

[Mz_sassy_77]

 

 

We have so many things in common with our past BU, it's uncanny. Being chased, being told within a few months that they love us. I guess you're right, we let them get away with being treated that way. I mistook that as forgiving someone you love, thinking you'd be able to work on things together. Guess some things really don't change, even with time.

Oh me too yeah. I was so in love with him. I would look at it as forgiving him for something he did wrong and didn't really mean. And that's what you do when you love someone right. You forgive them because no one is perfect and sometimes people make mistakes. But he just took advantage really. He knew the kind of person I was and took advantage of that.

 

 

 

So he knows that he does this all the time we have a disagreement - suggest to BU, yet he keeps repeating it again and again. Just because I love him, am I expected to tolerate being treated that way? It hurts because he told me repeatedly when we were together that he knows "how much I mean to you", and yet still treats me this way. Way to go.

I think that some of it is them testing us. If we keep going back and forgiving them then we must truly love them right - wrong. My EX would always tell me he loved me, talk about the future etc. I mean I did believe he loved me and would forever. Even after the repeated BU's still I somehow believed we were meant to be because I truly loved him and he would realize that. Stupid right.

 

 

Pride definitely has a place in all of this. And male ego. My ex is probably a bit different in that I know he's extremely private and he wouldn't go around talking about me to anyone. But still, that sucks. That your ex would go around doing this, bolstering his ego like that. That's low, and speaks more about him than about you, in actuality.

oh thank you. I think it does too. And i think that anyone he says this to who has known us as a couple would just think he is a bit of a jerk really so I don't really worry about it.

 

 

One word: selfish. He admitted to it himself during our BU, that he "never cared", and that he's selfish.

Oh yeah I told mine he was selfish too during one BU. He admitted it to. Agreed he was. He knows he's selfish and it's all about him and doesn't care.

 

Same sentiments. It just sucks that we had to go through all that pain only to realize too late, after our hearts got broken

 

Oh yeah I know. I still have some bad days. Really mixed emotions about it all. But I know I am not in love with him anymore. He's ruined what we had and it can never be repaired. It's just broken. But I have to say I really have learned a lot from this and know that I will never put up with being treated this way again. I also know what signs to look out for when you first meet someone , and they are putting on that whole charming, telling you everything you want to hear phase. So I am wiser for it and I imagine a stronger person too. Hope you are too - sounds like you are.

[ayudorama]

Oh me too yeah. I was so in love with him. I would look at it as forgiving him for something he did wrong and didn't really mean. And that's what you do when you love someone right. You forgive them because no one is perfect and sometimes people make mistakes. But he just took advantage really. He knew the kind of person I was and took advantage of that.

 

I think that some of it is them testing us. If we keep going back and forgiving them then we must truly love them right - wrong. My EX would always tell me he loved me, talk about the future etc. I mean I did believe he loved me and would forever. Even after the repeated BU's still I somehow believed we were meant to be because I truly loved him and he would realize that. Stupid right.

That makes the two of us. I thought by doing so, they'd see how much we love them and then they might, just might change. I feel like I was so naïve in the past. Funny what a difference of a few months can do to a person. I'm such a different person now, so many of my friends have told me this over the past 7 months.

 

Oh yeah I know. I still have some bad days. Really mixed emotions about it all. But I know I am not in love with him anymore. He's ruined what we had and it can never be repaired. It's just broken. But I have to say I really have learned a lot from this and know that I will never put up with being treated this way again. I also know what signs to look out for when you first meet someone , and they are putting on that whole charming, telling you everything you want to hear phase. So I am wiser for it and I imagine a stronger person too. Hope you are too - sounds like you are.

It'll get better, do hang in there

 

Now I feel like I'm an onlooker looking at what happened and what once were, and just feel sad about everything. Just takes a few minutes to completely destroy a good friendship, and a love story that remains just that - a story. I, like you, have learnt a lot too, and have grown stronger, and hopefully wiser. Not to mention that bit more cynical and distrusting, in a way. Sigh.

 

Hey thank you for sharing your story with me, it has helped me gained a deeper understanding about people and relationships in general. I hope you find peace soon

Edited October 30, 2013 by ayudorama

[geegee81]

I don't know anyone who gets into a relationship with someone and then expects them to develop a whole new personality. Which is basically what he was saying he wanted.

 

total mind ****

 

Ive know my ex 5 years, and he knew my personality when we reconnected this year. There was no secrets about me. I'm a high energy, sassy, extremely friendly individual that loves to socialize. This is what attracted him.

 

This is when i figured out that this 31 year old professional was this a child.. He lacks relationship experience. He got his first girlfriend at 29, and stayed together 2 years arguing with her. He has very poor social and communication skills.

 

He told me that i needed to change my personality if i wanted to keep him around. I explained to him that i wasnt changing anything. Plus is impossible to change a personality...that's just silly. Yes he actually told me that i needed to change my personality!!!! I asked him why. He stated that i aspect him to do too much....He didnt understand why he had to open doors and carry bags, etc. He didn't like having that responsibility and he didn't like having to pay for our cheap dinner and plan dates. So i tried to talk sense into...i tried! But he just failed to understand me. I would drive 1 hour to see him, waste gas,and he didnt even want to pay for a 10 dollar meal! So then i was accused of being all about money and a gold digger. Damn we only went out 1 or 2 times a week.

 

 

 

But at the same time he wanted sex. He kept showing tons of affection....called and texted everyday. We had a great time until they day he dumped me. I took him out and paid for dinner that night. He didnt even initiate the conversation. I asked him if this relationship was going anywhere and if he saw me in his future. Out of no where, he said no! I wasn't aspecting that. I thought he cared. So he led me on, using me, and would have continued to do so if i didnt ask about the relationship. Ive known him years, and didnt expect this.

 

 

The way that he dumped me really hurt and i wont be able to trust for a while, but i am dating again. All he had to do is tell me the truth....I was strung along.

Edited October 30, 2013 by geegee81

[Mz_sassy_77]

That makes the two of us. I thought by doing so, they'd see how much we love them and then they might, just might change. I feel like I was so naïve in the past. Funny what a difference of a few months can do to a person. I'm such a different person now, so many of my friends have told me this over the past 7 months.

 

 

It'll get better, do hang in there

 

Now I feel like I'm an onlooker looking at what happened and what once were, and just feel sad about everything. Just takes a few minutes to completely destroy a good friendship, and a love story that remains just that - a story. I, like you, have learnt a lot too, and have grown stronger, and hopefully wiser. Not to mention that bit more cynical and distrusting, in a way. Sigh.

 

Hey thank you for sharing your story with me, it has helped me gained a deeper understanding about people and relationships in general. I hope you find peace soon

 

It's been nice talking to you. So good to know there are other people out there who can relate.

 

I am actually more myself then I have been in years and pretty content. Just the occasional bad day now and then.

 

All the best

[Mz_sassy_77]

Ive know my ex 5 years, and he knew my personality when we reconnected this year. There was no secrets about me. I'm a high energy, sassy, extremely friendly individual that loves to socialize. This is what attracted him.

 

This is when i figured out that this 31 year old professional was this a child.. He lacks relationship experience. He got his first girlfriend at 29, and stayed together 2 years arguing with her. He has very poor social and communication skills.

 

He told me that i needed to change my personality if i wanted to keep him around. I explained to him that i wasnt changing anything. Plus is impossible to change a personality...that's just silly. Yes he actually told me that i needed to change my personality!!!! I asked him why. He stated that i aspect him to do too much....He didnt understand why he had to open doors and carry bags, etc. He didn't like having that responsibility and he didn't like having to pay for our cheap dinner and plan dates. So i tried to talk sense into...i tried! But he just failed to understand me. I would drive 1 hour to see him, waste gas,and he didnt even want to pay for a 10 dollar meal! So then i was accused of being all about money and a gold digger. Damn we only went out 1 or 2 times a week.

 

 

 

But at the same time he wanted sex. He kept showing tons of affection....called and texted everyday. We had a great time until they day he dumped me. I took him out and paid for dinner that night. He didnt even initiate the conversation. I asked him if this relationship was going anywhere and if he saw me in his future. Out of no where, he said no! I wasn't aspecting that. I thought he cared. So he led me on, using me, and would have continued to do so if i didnt ask about the relationship. Ive known him years, and didnt expect this.

 

 

The way that he dumped me really hurt and i wont be able to trust for a while, but i am dating again. All he had to do is tell me the truth....I was strung along.

 

It's crazy isn't it. They meet you and know what you are like. They pursue you. And then one day they BU with you because of your personality. I think it's just excuses to end it. You will never understand it. Only they know the real reasons why.