Extemp Journal: Going positive.

[AnyaNova]

Since apparently, I can't access the sidebar, I'm assuming I'm not allowed for some reason to keep a Journal. So I'm starting a thread. I'm not sure how rebel a thing this is to do. :-)

 

What this Journaling Thread will not be. Long diatribes about poor me without Tim ad nauseam, et. cetera, infinite refrain vomitus. :-)

 

What this Journaling Thread will be.

 

Positive steps I am taking. When I feel physically well, I don't procrastinate. I think of things I need to do and naturally go do them.

 

However, when I start feeling physically bad, the urge to procrastinate increases positively with the amount of physical bad feeling.

 

Add to that anything emotional, and well. You know.

 

So what I will do, is chronical the positive steps I am taking.

 

Tomorrow I hope to after my morning classes, stop at the store for a few supplies, and then stay at the library till 9:00 p.m.

I will journal about how that goes.

 

By the end of the week, I want to have myself a gym membership and exercise plan. Its time to lose the last of the weight. I already look great. I could look even better, though.

 

So yes. The one thing I am not going to allow myself to do here, is whine, look back, or get nostalgic. Just list positive steps, successes, and if I do have struggles (not Tim related) what I am doing to overcome them. :-)

[loveofhorses1970]

Proud of you, rock on!

[AnnaAnna]

That's awesome! Can't wait to read all about it

[Familia]

Great work, will certainly be following

[JoelBarish]

I think it's good that you are focusing on what's ahead of you.

[AnyaNova]

Things I have done this week

 

1) Gotten more of my make up work done, still have several article critiques, but those will be turned in. And soon.

 

2) Been to my appointment at my 2nd choice gym, since my first seemed not to be taking memberships at this time (full, I guess?). I can't meet with the trainer until Monday, so given my general physical out of shapeness, I thought I would wait until starting with him.

 

I have scheduled my appointment with my ADD coach, not until the 8th, though.

 

I have found a great new study spot in our campus library on the top floor. Seems to be populated mostly by similar minded introverts. Lots of personal body space, quiet, and mutual agreements to stay away from each other unless absolutely necessary. It is heaven and free from lots of the distractions that I have here at home :-)

 

Made the resolution to explore with my counselor exactly why I fell so hard for someone who had such strong attachment issues.

 

I think, I noticed that a guy wanted to chat me up a bit, and so I smiled at him, and he kind of sort of did, and that was nice. I'm not pinning any hopes or expectations, right now just focusing on me.

 

Made the resolution to stop seeking dates/dating. If something really happens in real life, I'll go with it, but no more looking, no more OLD, no more of that. Though I really do miss things like the cuddles and all that, I just need to not think about it any more for awhile

 

That's all I can think of just now.

[AnyaNova]

One other thing, if anyone has any insights, or comments, or ideas, feel free to post. Though I'm using it as a journal and progress tracker, I would also be interested in any outside ideas, contributions, or thoughts.

[toolforgrowth]

infinite refrain vomitus.

 

This literally made me lol.

 

Love your sense of humor!

[AnyaNova]

This literally made me lol.

 

Love your sense of humor!

 

I am getting rather tired of the whole thing. I mean, yes it was really screwed up, and attachment issues, and his need for me and codependency and and all of that.

 

But he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me, and as sweetly as he carried the whole thing off, in its own way, the whole thing really was rather sadistic, not intentionally so, but the whole double message issue. I don't want to spend too much on this topic because of what I said this journal would be and wouldn't be.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that I really think I should be adjusting better to the reality than I am. It wasn't that long of a relationship, and it wasn't that great of one a lot of the time (due to an unfortunately timed health issue on his part). What I am missing is more what we were set up to have after the breakup, if we would have gotten back together (and very easily could have), and save some very beautiful moments while sharing with each other and cuddling, and some fun, not a whole lot of what we actually did.

 

Hence the journal. Hence the humor. And infinite refrain vomitus. :-)

[toolforgrowth]

I wasn't trying to offend or push any buttons. My apologies if I did.

[AnyaNova]

I wasn't trying to offend or push any buttons. My apologies if I did.

 

Oh no, not at all. :-) Just explaining the humor I guess. And my own particular self-disgust with my lack of ability to follow my pre-planned "schedule" for being over this thing.

[toolforgrowth]

No need to beat yourself up over that. Telling yourself you should be over it by a certain date is unrealistic. As long as you're taking healthy steps to move forward, you'll get there. It's never as quick as we want it to be, but you'll get there.

[AnyaNova]

So it has been an eventful several weeks? something? Or at least it feels like weeks since I last posted. I have been up to my ears in trying to get two first drafts of research projects (up to results and discussion) off the ground while suffering major mood crashes, cognitive difficulties such as confusion, physical slowness (thankfully only occasionally), muscle pain, and other nasty effects of vitamin depletion (after all the gluten from this fall and the medication I had to be on, I have decided to give my digestive system a vitamin absorbing break, and will be switching to shots, hopefully this will help with all that!).

 

So, I have had several training sessions at the gym with my personal trainer. I think I can see results already (wouldn't mind seeing them faster, you know, but hey).

 

It is difficult in one way, because during breaks he makes a beeline for his fun trainer friends, and it brings up all of my shyness, social anxiety, AvPD issues. In another sense, it gives me a chance to learn how to be alone in public and find a way to not take it as a rejection of myself, and find a way to be calm and contented while alone in public (I'm great while alone in private, for obvious reasons--and to be fair, I'm more comfortable alone in public than I am with people I don't know well in public) and not assume that everyone, including myself, is thinking I'm the weirdo freak from the pits of hell. :-)

 

And I have begun reading (when I have spare time) several books on AvPD and other issues. A great one I am reading now, is "Taming your Outer Child" on the one hand, sounds like pop psych drivel. On the other, very useful system with exercises.

 

After having to cram in the rough draft of a paper at the very last minute practically, due to a severe vitamin crash over the weeekend, I am giving myself the rest night off, before more intense work ensues tomorrow. Though thanks to the b vitamin replenishment in my brain, I had wonderful focus and ability to think and plan. It was amazing. After I am done here and done with dinner activities included in my night off will be..

 

Finishing the dishes, neatening the living room, organizing my room again, doing a short relaxing Astanga Yoga evening series (intended for before bed), some serious tea drinking in my neat room, and if time I will begin the written exercises from the book I got today. If not. That will have to wait.

 

I working to improve my physical health, my mental health, and my reliability as a student which has been, I will admit, damaged by both my physical and mental health.

 

Foremost goal because my life basically literally depends on it now, keep up with going to the gym at least 5 times a week and vitamin shots and supplements to keep my ability to work going.

 

Second most goal. Studies. But it is a very high second most goal.

 

Third most goal. Improving mental health, especially surrounding abandonment and AvPD issues.

 

Fourth most goal. Play some keyboard every night. the classical stuff that you actually have to drill with a metronome. That really helps my brain out.

 

I think that is it for now. I'll update as I can, but it may be sparse until Christmas break begins.

 

Peace out. :-)

[AnyaNova]

So I am trying to pick the plane of my semester up from the nosedive it took with Tim, getting sick, the glutening while sick, and the fun with B vitamins (or rather, lack thereof) through the subsequent weeks. The timing of all of this was terrible, given what happened to my semester last Spring after my friend's death.

 

I have decided these things. Even if I lose my place here, I will find another somewhere else, and I will not take it as a statement that I am a bad person, a bad student, or anything else. I know now that literally every time I have had an academic hitch, it was related to B vitamins, and to a lesser extent the supporting roles of calcium and magnesium (and particularly the crippling depression that their lack put me in).

 

So, knowing now, that B vitamin shots are the way to go, I will pick myself up, whether it is here or at another place, and begin again. My bachelor's had a false start (for the exact same reason because I was eating gluten every day and had no clue). So it would not be the end of the world if my Master's was the same way.

 

But. I have been continuing my personal training. The only thing that sucks,, is that I probably soon will have to drop to once a week due to financial reasons. :-(

 

Trying to get to the gym in between, but this time in the semester is not making it very easy!

 

I am doing the best to pick up my research projects. Still need 11 volunteers for the email excerpts/survey one (though that assumes that everyone who volunteered carries through). Still need way more than that for my other one, but I have a few more days to collect that data.

 

life hurts right now and I do have grave fear for my career here, but I am doing everything I can.

 

The good news, is that as long as my B's stay up, I'm definitely over my ex.

 

On the one hand, I kind of want to see what else might be out there. On the other hand, if my academic career can be salvaged, that is more important and dating takes time, effort, and some stress.

[AnyaNova]

Just to start documenting this. The whites of my eyes are starting to turn a tiny bit yellow. Mood is still good. But I predict deepening yellow coloration of my eyes, and another big mood crash. I think tomorrow or Wednesday I will need another Set of B vitamin shots.

[AnyaNova]

I have now blocked him on Facebook and deleted all contact info emails and pictures.

 

I believe this truly makes this day 1

Of NC

 

And real. Really really real.

 

And I really miss him tonight.

[learning_slowly]

When I deleted my photos and removed easy contact methods, I also initially felt really low & wanted more than ever to be with her. So I wrote her an email ( which stipulated that I didn't want a response), wishing her well and that it was ok and I would never try to get back with her.

 

It was hard, but after that, I knew there was no going back.

 

I still get tough days, but it is easier than before I did all that, as I always had a slim hope of getting back together. Logically it would not be a good idea, as she's told me lies and that is almost impossible to turn back.

 

On the whole I see the world differently, and try to smile whenever possible and the world is a much better place.

 

If you are worried about your masters, just remember how lucky you are to be in that position and try your best. That may mean forfeiting some exercise until it's over.

 

There will be tough times, but look at these as obstacles to overcome before it is easy to be happy. I still think you can be happy in tough times, but that takes more practice on changing your outlook.

 

Good luck

[STM206]

Fantastic!

[ABrokenNerd]

Good work on finally removing your ex from social media.

 

That is a step I still have to take (I temporarily deactivated my fb since the beginning of my NC) and although I'm not looking forward to it, I know I will do it once I go back on fb.

 

It's hard to gauge your age based on the intellectual nature of your posts, but I'm going to assume you are older and wiser then I am (I'm 22)

 

I am moving on and that much closer to reaching a stage of indifference, but however I do have trouble on the day to day with relapsing thoughts, so I find it hard to tackle that because its a layered feeling. Don't feel alone in that matter, because I'm sure we all lapse in someway or another.

 

You have primed yourself for recovery based on the steps you have taken, there is no doubt about that. Remain steadfast in your method is the only thing I could offer to you that even remotely counts as advice because you knew that already.

 

Wish I could give you advice when it comes to school, but unfortunately, same thing happened to me in terms of the breakup effecting my grades. You seemed to have salvaged it, for me its too early to tell. All I can say is if you can salvage it once, it can be done again if necessary. I doubt you would even be in that same position again.

 

On a positive note, the worst for you... I think it is safe to assume that it is over. You have all the qualities of a smart, powerful, independent woman. If I may quote a favorite poem of mine:

 

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

 

The power of this couplet can ring true for everyone. You have direction, and endless momentum. Nothing your cowardly POS of an ex can say or do, will halt it.

 

I wish thee luck, on everything

[Erlaad]

I've been following your story throughout these months as well and I'm happy of your newfound resolve. One other step towards emotional freedom and happiness.

 

My coscience urges me to warn you to keep your vigilance up (CONSTANT VIGILANCE! ) tough, for it is when we say that we're finally done with something ithat we are most vulnerable to fall on it again (talking out of experience here).

 

Other then that, as many other said before, your posts are an inspiration to all of us. Blessed the man who manages to find a place in your heart.

 

Hang in there, keep posting, we're all rooting for you.

 

- Erl

 

Ps. This thread is actually inspiring me to start a similar one of my own, if it wasn't for my chronic inability to keep journals of any kind...

[AnyaNova]

In the wake of losing my academic career to my health issues, I have decided to restart this.

 

It is interesting. As horrible as it was to be dismissed from my program, I am finding there is one tiny silver lining.

 

For so many years, as I tried to push my body to excel in all things while it couldn't absorb enough fuel to get a car from block a to block b, I kept thinking that I wish I just had some time, like a few months to rest, recuperate, and get healthy.

 

though this isn't the manner in which I would have chosen to get such a rest. I do have it. And it is a gift.

 

I have decided that today is going to be a "do whatever I want, when I want it day." I pushed myself through days of low sodium to get the move done. If I have the energy, drive, and desire later, I will unpack a few boxes in the kitchen, and I will go get some more detergent so I can work on the huge pile of laundry from the old place.

 

If not, I'll play on the internet. Work on mandalas. Watch House online in my peaceful bedroom sanctuary. Read books. And whatnot.

 

In my plan to get healthy, both physically and emotionally...I need to.

 

1) Continue my doctor's treatment.

2) Remember to daily and as soon as I wake up place my life, will, and trust in my Higher Power (I keep forgetting til about mid afternoon).

3) Find someone experienced in hearing fifth steps to hear my codependency twelve step program's fifth step. Then begin working the fourth step (you want to have someone lined up and a date set for the fifth, before you start the fourth).

4) Get my apartment unpacked and reorganized post-move.

5) Contact some of the programs that I might want to look at, explain the situation, and with the one that really wanted me, see if he would be willing in the next year, to guide me in writing a couple of research prospectus's so that I can gauge whether there has been any permanent brain damage from the constant low electrolytes, and how it might impact my academic work if there is.

6) continue as much as I can at the gym.

7) Talk to cute guys who are giving me the eye. It really won't kill me. Perhaps I will start by smiling at them and work up to the latter.

8) Be gentle on myself. Push myself where I need to, but not farther or harder than I should.

[AnyaNova]

Procrastinating a little going over to my old apartment for the final clean. I really need to go do it and get the heck out of there. Not looking forward to it, afraid it will bring on another sodium crash, but what can you do?

 

Anyway.

 

Match is not doing much. I might try Date. com. Apparently, match is rated to be a little slow. I'm finding it so myself.

 

Decided while I am recuperating I am going to attempt to learn to juggle and also to renew my acquaintance with bellydance (not, of course, at the same time!).

 

[Erlaad]

7) Talk to cute guys who are giving me the eye. It really won't kill me. Perhaps I will start by smiling at them and work up to the latter.

 

This one made me smile. Smiling to guys is a surefire weapon!

How's it going now?

 

- Erl