gmsunshine Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Any advice that could be given would be greatly appreciated. After a year of dating LD, moved to another state and into my BFs house. That was 2 1/2 years ago. We are both in our late 30's. He is divorced, meeting me very shortly after he divorced, and I am a widow. When I moved here I did not have a job, but worked for him part time, and did a lot of volunteer work while looking for jobs in what is a smaller sized town. I took care of everything at the house, so that he could deal with his business and other obligations he had taken on. Not having a paying job never really came up between the two of us, as I was plenty busy and helping him too. Not having a job meant I had the freedom so I could travel with him, and be his companion. He never asked how job searching was going or helped me find a position. So, I did not think he minded paying a bill here or there for me, and generally taking care of me. Last month we both had to be in two different places at the same time so we could not travel together like we normally did. When we both returned he was acting a little different and one day had taken his phone into the bathroom while he showered. He was hiding something. That something was a wealthy woman who owned several businesses he met on his trip that he had been talking to regularly since coming back by phone and text. He said he was worried by how much she fascinated him, that he was not happy at the moment with anything, he felt very trapped. A lot had to do financially speaking, as he seemed to be paying something to everyone and did have very much for himself in the end. And just had a lot of obligations here that he felt tied down by, and then I was not helping either financially, and he felt I was taking advantage of him, (he seems to have forgotten all that I do for him) So, this woman has some money, and was intriguing and was inviting him out to parties and baseball games (where she lives). Carefree stuff. He was saying no, but he was tempted. A month later he still is sneaking around to call her. I have done what I can to be supportive, by giving him more space and and I have backed off a bunch from needing him financially. I was starting to do that before he took this dreadful trip. She is not interested in moving here, so I am not sure what he is expecting to happen, he sell his business and move out there. If I tell him to stop talking to her, he won't listen to me, it would just make him get in further. To end, I moved here to get married and have kids and start a family. We had talked about the kids but not really about getting married. But none of that is in the cards as he does not know what he wants. We sleep in the same bed still, but he doesn't want to have sex bc he says he is afraid I will get pregnant and he does not want to support one more thing. Regardless of the fact that I have been on birth control for a decade. I have absolutely no money to live on, but could probably work something out short term. I have been very active in looking for work recently. I am trying to give him space. But, I suggest he sees someone and he does not follow up on it, and generally it is just very confusing, because when we are home he has fun, and generally seems happy, and gives me hugs and kisses, and is sweet, and calls to check in during the day. My question is, how would you all proceed. Should I move out for a couple of weeks and give him the space to figure things out. If he doesn't want sex and doesn't know where we are going, do I cut ties. I asked him, should I move out and find another place in town, and he said he did not think he would like that, but in the end he is disrespecting me in a way, and I have certainly lost trust. So, I will end there for now. Thanks for listening. I just need people who can see this from a different perspective and give advice.
Conners Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Hi, Have you even confronted him about the texts and calls? Does he know that you know about her! It sounds like you are making excuses for him and trying to give him space etc when you shouldn't have to at all! Talking to this woman the way he is, isn't acceptable and I can guarantee hes going to end up cheating on you, so confront him about it and if he leaves you, well he's not really worth keeping anyway. This is a pic of an interesting quote which relates to your situation! https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1382058_592677750791786_1972474298_n.jpg Hope it all works out 2
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) I think your best move would be to move out and let him figure out what he wants. If you stay, he may never feel the pressure to make up his mind. Try to avoid causing further resentment. Instead of confronting him, just state the facts and say until he knows what he wants, you'll be somewhere else. Edited October 28, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus 1
harrybrown Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Work hard on getting that job, move out and go NC on him. Three is too many in a relationship. If he wants her, you do not want him. Doing the 180 will help you weaken your feelings for him. It may wake him up, it may not. But it is a way for you to survive what he is doing.
Kizmet Fisher Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 OP, I realise what a hard situation this must be for you both emotionally and financially. Honestly though, you need to realise that his feeling this way is truly the beginning of the end. Once someone feels trapped, that feeling doesn't really go away. You need to move out, this guy is obviously not ready for what you want to do (marriage, kids) and you probably don't want to gamble away a few years just 'waiting and seeing" if he comes around. I really think you need and deserve a guy who sees you as his freedom, not as his prison guard.
Author gmsunshine Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Yes, he knows I know. He told me something quick about her when he got back, that he met this woman at a bar and a male friend of hers and that they end up all hanging out, but he talks to everyone, so I did not think twice about it. I did not realize he had been in constant contact with her ever since coming back till about two weeks later, which was about two weeks ago. I am making excuses for him, aren't I. I can't guard him like your quote said.
Author gmsunshine Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 UPDATE: I talked to him yesterday and asked if he was still talking to her and he said yes. I asked are you going to give her up, he said I don't know. I asked if I asked you to give her up, would you, and he said I don't know. Later that night he apologized for saying those things, I asked if he had changed his mind and he said no. So, I told him I thought it was best if I moved out for a while. Let him get his head around this. I told him I wasn't going to be treated like this. Good news is I had a job interview yesterday, and I have one tomorrow. Hopefully something good will come of it.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Good for you! Now it's no contact. Time to socialize.
Author gmsunshine Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 So, here is the newest of the new. We talked about me leaving, but not on a date. I just left. I moved out before he got home from work on October 31st and left him a letter explaining that he had hurt me and that there was really not much more to say. I wanted to give him time to figure out what he wanted without me. And I told him if he visited this woman, it was over. Since then, I have not seen him. I got a temp job and have been working which has been great bc I had tried 2 years to find a job without success, then when I really needed it, it came! So, he left me a letter the other day, when he left me my mail, in it he congratulated me on getting a job, and left me some chocolates he got me that represented my favorite football team. (which would not be able to be found around this area) He also got me a small giftcard, and mentioned getting tickets to my teams game this weekend (which was visiting our state). We were going to go together, but given the circumstances that was out of the question. So he was going to a game without me for a team I got him into, and routing for my team, not the home team! Lastly, we have college football tickets, and he is going to set up tailgating at 7am on Saturday for him and 2 of our friends. Another thing that was ours. Why is he doing all these things by himself that we used to do and enjoy together. (He is freaking lucky, all the tailgating stuff had been repacked before I left, and I had a note listing what we needed to replace). So, I don't understand this behavior. Is he starting his new life without me, or is he missing me. I came home tonight from the place I am staying bc he was in the city at a meeting and will stay overnight for the college game in the morning. I wanted to do laundry and cook some food for the week and frankly I miss being here! This is my home. So, what do you all think! I have really appreciated your suggestions and support. This has been rough! Thanks and have a good weekend.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Why is he doing all these things by himself that we used to do and enjoy together. (He is freaking lucky, all the tailgating stuff had been repacked before I left, and I had a note listing what we needed to replace). So, I don't understand this behavior. Is he starting his new life without me, or is he missing me. If I were doing what he's doing, it would be because I'm trying to be someone you'd want to be with. A strategy to win you back. If I was a meaner person, I would do it to show how much fun I'm having doing the things you enjoy, without you. Tread carefully. And congratulations on the progress.
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