sweets_xoxo Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 We dated for 7 years, lived together for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We both finished college and both have great stable jobs. Recently I have been through a phase that I want a child. I have close family and friends, either pregnant or already with kids and can't help but to feel a bit jealous. Recently I have brought it up about having a child, and he always says 'no' or 'not any time soon'. Which typically always leads to an argument or an awkward silence. And when I ask why not, he always says because we aren't ready, what are we going to feed him/her, how are we going to take care of him/her, and that his biggest fear is for the baby to have some type of disability or special needs. First of, we both have jobs, we have a great family support, and no one in his family or mine have any mental or physical problems for him to have that fear. I have also told him that I want a child by the age of 25, which to be honest sounds very mean and selfish but it would also be my breaking point of not being able to experience motherhood because of him. How can I convince him or change his mind about his reasons of not having a child? And should I worry about this marriage not working out because of this? Or is it me? (I am 22 and he is 25)
Nyla Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 This is one of the reasons marriage before 25-30 years old is generally a bad idea. Young people go into marriage with rose colored glasses, thinking that getting married will magically take care of any huge issues. Why wasn't this agreed upon before walking down the aisle? The choice of whether or not to have babies can be a dealbreaker if the couple does not agree. Is there any reason why you MUST become a mother by age 25? Have you really thought about how much your life will change once you become a mother? Your husband is being sensible if there are financial problems and he wants to wait until the two of you are more stable. Kids are EXPENSIVE. Just because none of your family members have had any severe illnesses, it doesn't mean that your child will not. Is your husband totally against the idea of having children or just not at this point? If he is against having kids, you are naïve to think that you can change his mind. While it is true that many people change their minds about not having kids, not all adults will do so. I am 31 and I have known that I did not want children since age 23. My husband and I discussed this before getting married. He doesn't want babies either. Most people think that we will change our minds until I mention my husband's vasectomy. Whatever you do, do not secretly stop using birth control and "accidentally" become pregnant. I am not saying that you would do that, just a word of caution because I know a lot of women tried that and ended up as single moms. 6
sunshinegirl Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 We dated for 7 years, lived together for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We both finished college and both have great stable jobs. Recently I have been through a phase that I want a child. I have close family and friends, either pregnant or already with kids and can't help but to feel a bit jealous. Recently I have brought it up about having a child, and he always says 'no' or 'not any time soon'. Which typically always leads to an argument or an awkward silence. And when I ask why not, he always says because we aren't ready, what are we going to feed him/her, how are we going to take care of him/her, and that his biggest fear is for the baby to have some type of disability or special needs. First of, we both have jobs, we have a great family support, and no one in his family or mine have any mental or physical problems for him to have that fear. I have also told him that I want a child by the age of 25, which to be honest sounds very mean and selfish but it would also be my breaking point of not being able to experience motherhood because of him. How can I convince him or change his mind about his reasons of not having a child? And should I worry about this marriage not working out because of this? Or is it me? (I am 22 and he is 25) What? You think if you don't have a child by 25 then you'll never have a child? And it will be his fault? If this is how you handle significant life issues such as having children (making melodramatic statements, quite possibly accompanied by stomping your foot on the ground and pouting), then I'd say you aren't ready for parenthood. For a little perspective, I had my first (perfectly healthy) child at 37. 7
Lauriebell82 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Oh my, you two are soooooooooo young! I don't blame him for not wanting a child! I didn't have my first until I was 29, and would have NEVER been ready before that. Considering he is only 25, my guess is that he just isn't ready and is giving you excuses. Give him time, he will come around. PLEASE enjoy your youth and being newlyweds. You have so much time!!!!!!! 3
Nyla Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Oh my, you two are soooooooooo young! I don't blame him for not wanting a child! I didn't have my first until I was 29, and would have NEVER been ready before that. Considering he is only 25, my guess is that he just isn't ready and is giving you excuses. Give him time, he will come around. PLEASE enjoy your youth and being newlyweds. You have so much time!!!!!!! Do you think that everyone who says they don't want kids will "come around"? I'm asking because I have seen you say something similar to other posters who question having children. I don't really understand why. Maybe it is because you enjoy motherhood so much that you can't imagine why someone wouldn't want children? It's wonderful that you are enjoying parenthood, but not everyone thinks the same way you do. Most educated and intelligent people like yourself aren't so militant about certain topics, especially such personal choices like having children.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Do you think that everyone who says they don't want kids will "come around"? I'm asking because I have seen you say something similar to other posters who question having children. I don't really understand why. Maybe it is because you enjoy motherhood so much that you can't imagine why someone wouldn't want children? It's wonderful that you are enjoying parenthood, but not everyone thinks the same way you do. Most educated and intelligent people like yourself aren't so militant about certain topics, especially such personal choices like having children. Oh, no I def. don't think that everyone will change their mind about being a parent. I know plenty of people who do not want kids and never will. Maybe they will change their mind, but I'm not banking on it. But yes, I do LOVE motherhood so much, so I guess you could say part of me wishes everyone felt the same. But I know that they don't. I suppose I answered from the perspective that her husband does in fact want children one day, just not right now. She didn't specify whether or not they discussed this prior to marriage, however I took her post as that they had decided on kids, but not for a while. But then she suddenly wanted them sooner due to pressure felt from her friends getting pregnant and starting families. OP, does your husband want children SOMEDAY? Did you talk about that prior to marriage?
Balzac Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Do you have 12 months of living expenses in savings as ready cash? What is your company policy on maternity leave! How much of your salary will you draw? What's the local cost of infant childcare? 3
stillafool Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Did the two of you talk about having kids before you married? If so, what was the conversation? To have a baby because you are jealous of other women who have a kid is not a good reason to have children. 1
pink_sugar Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Wow, slow down for a minute. It's great you both have good stable jobs after college as most don't. However, you both are still fairly young. I can understand it more if you both were 10 years older and in this situation. Maybe he's not ready to be a father just yet...even if you can do it financially, you both still have a lot of time to enjoy yourselves. I am 24 and my husband is 30, but neither of us are thinking of kids anytime soon and we've been together almost 8 years. Finances are an issue for us, but even if they weren't, I'd still wait to have children so I can do things I otherwise wouldn't be able to do with kids. You're 22, so I am assuming you just finished college? You're just really starting out in the world; why rush into having kids? 1
Silly_Girl Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 His not being ready now could easily be not ready, ever. What's his best case and worst case scenario as far as having children is concerned? What was the outcome of your children-based discussions before you married? Please don't assume either of you will ever change your mind, or compromise for the other person. Wanting/not wanting children is the most natural reason in the world, in my view, to end an otherwise great relationship. I'm not suggesting that for you. But it can get harder as time goes on and it's not a good idea to defer dealing with the issue, even if you agree to take no action for 'X' period of time. Good luck!
pink_sugar Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I'd give it time. If there are absolutely no other problems in your marriage other than his feelings on kids right now, I would enjoy what you have for now and if he still feels this way in lets say, another 4 or 5 years, then I would walk. But it is sensible that a lot of men do not want to jump into parenthood at 25. I wouldn't throw away what you have at 22, because you think you need to have a baby asap. 1
Nyla Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) Oh, no I def. don't think that everyone will change their mind about being a parent. I know plenty of people who do not want kids and never will. Maybe they will change their mind, but I'm not banking on it. But yes, I do LOVE motherhood so much, so I guess you could say part of me wishes everyone felt the same. But I know that they don't. I suppose I answered from the perspective that her husband does in fact want children one day, just not right now. She didn't specify whether or not they discussed this prior to marriage, however I took her post as that they had decided on kids, but not for a while. But then she suddenly wanted them sooner due to pressure felt from her friends getting pregnant and starting families. OP, does your husband want children SOMEDAY? Did you talk about that prior to marriage? I agree that it is hard to tell whether or not the OP's husband does not want children ever. However, since you can't tell it doesn't make sense to say that her husband will "come around". Some people never do. When people love an experience, they want others around them to enjoy the same thing. I just find that childfree couples don't try to push their lifestyle as much as parents do. Edited October 29, 2013 by Nyla
Janesays Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 (edited) I agree with your hubby. Having a child before the age of 25, NO MATTER WHAT, is just silly. You should get your financial ducks in a row...advance your careers, build up your savings, buy a nice home, etc, before you even CONSIDER it. When your hubby asks how you plan to feed this baby, that tells me that he's worried about money. If you're not doing well financially, YOUR BABY WILL SUFFER. Love doesn't put food in their belly. Instead, buckle down, work hard and save. If this takes you longer than 3 years, so be it. This is your CHILD you're talking about. What is more important. How young you are when you have him/her? OR PUTTING FOOD IN HIS/HER MOUTH? Also, do some traveling. See the world. Really spend some time connecting and bonding with your hubby. You're not going to have time to jet off to rome when you have an infant in the picture. So create some experiences NOW. When you're both up at 3am with a sick kid, at least you'll have these memories to draw from, to keep you united. And you'll never be that parent who whines, "I always wanted to go to London but I never got to because of THIS CHILD." Instead, be smart. Experience both. Buy a home, look into school systems. Price out daycare. Develop support systems and strong family relationships. If you do this BEFORE the baby is born, the baby will thrive. I'm 34 and just now having my first baby. I've experienced life, I've accumulated plenty of money, I've got a strong relationship with my hubby and our families, I've researched school systems, I've PREPARED. This child will be brought into this world under optimal circumstances. If I would have had a baby at your age, it would have been a disaster. And I loved my child too much to bring them into this world until I was SURE that both my husband and I had our crap together. Maybe your hubby wants to wait until HE has HIS crap together? Bless him, that's a sign that he'll make a good Father someday. Edited October 29, 2013 by Janesays 3
pteromom Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 First, you need to make sure your hubby actually wants children. If he doesn't want children at all, and you do, that's a dealbreaker. There's simply no way for both of you to get what you want, so you may as well not waste more time together. If he wants children someday, then you should just relax. As others have said, there is no rush. Ask yourself why it is so important to have children NOW? Is it because you are comparing your life to your friends' lives? Is it because something is missing in your life and you are trying to create more meaning and purpose for yourself? Is it because you are afraid he'll never be ready and that is causing a sense of panic? I am another one who became a mom in my late 30s and I am so very very glad I waited. I am such a better mom than I would have been in my 20s, and I got to experience so much in my 20s and 30s. (This isn't saying that there are no good young moms, because of course, there are. I am only speaking for myself.) 4
pink_sugar Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I agree with your hubby. Having a child before the age of 25, NO MATTER WHAT, is just silly. You should get your financial ducks in a row...advance your careers, build up your savings, buy a nice home, etc, before you even CONSIDER it. When your hubby asks how you plan to feed this baby, that tells me that he's worried about money. If you're not doing well financially, YOUR BABY WILL SUFFER. Love doesn't put food in their belly. Instead, buckle down, work hard and save. If this takes you longer than 3 years, so be it. This is your CHILD you're talking about. What is more important. How young you are when you have him/her? OR PUTTING FOOD IN HIS/HER MOUTH? Also, do some traveling. See the world. Really spend some time connecting and bonding with your hubby. You're not going to have time to jet off to rome when you have an infant in the picture. So create some experiences NOW. When you're both up at 3am with a sick kid, at least you'll have these memories to draw from, to keep you united. And you'll never be that parent who whines, "I always wanted to go to London but I never got to because of THIS CHILD." Instead, be smart. Experience both. Buy a home, look into school systems. Price out daycare. Develop support systems and strong family relationships. If you do this BEFORE the baby is born, the baby will thrive. I'm 34 and just now having my first baby. I've experienced life, I've accumulated plenty of money, I've got a strong relationship with my hubby and our families, I've researched school systems, I've PREPARED. This child will be brought into this world under optimal circumstances. If I would have had a baby at your age, it would have been a disaster. And I loved my child too much to bring them into this world until I was SURE that both my husband and I had our crap together. Maybe your hubby wants to wait until HE has HIS crap together? Bless him, that's a sign that he'll make a good Father someday. Amen to this sentiment! I'm 24 and I have a decent job post college, does that mean I need to rush into having children now? NO! I want to save, I want to travel and own my own home before having a child! All these things I couldn't do before I had a decent job. I don't care if I have to wait 10+ more years to have a child if it means optimal circumstances. More than I want a child, I want to be financially secure and emotionally ready. I don't care how long it takes. I also cannot find sympathy for parents who say "Oh I couldn't do such and such because I had you." I mean, really? Having kids is a personal choice and no one should ever take it out on their child because they didn't wait until an optimal time to have a baby. My husband's mom was one of those mothers who said "Oh, I didn't go to college because I had you." which is just an excuse, because she didn't even raise him! Edited October 30, 2013 by pink_sugar
darrendampier Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Having a child is a very important in marriage life, I am very sure with out a child in your marriage you will be unhappy to your end. One thing I recommend you must established a family just to prove it that you can stand to nourish, educate and so on. If not, this will end up to a No Fault Divorce, Merits Divorce Definition
Silly_Girl Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 There's more to having a baby than the money you can lavish on it. A lot more. 2
JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Everyone has already pretty much said what I would say in rregards to giving you advice. If he's not ready, then hes not ready. Maybe clarify with him before you go further in the marriage. I'm posting because a lot of the things people are saying struck me a little. Everyones situation is different. I'm a young mother myself. Very young, in the eyes of society. But I am not single, nor do I feel that my, or my sons life, is in ruin. I'm a good mother and my son has a fantastic father. I may not experience things in the same order as all of you here, but I am not silly for having a child. We have a home, we have a good financial situation, we do our research. All im saying is just because I had a child before I turned 23 doesn't mean he's brought into a less than optimal living situation. Every life is different. Just my $.02. 2
pink_sugar Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 All im saying is just because I had a child before I turned 23 doesn't mean he's brought into a less than optimal living situation. Every life is different. Just my $.02. No one is insinuating that at all I don't think. Generally speaking though, most people are not established in their early twenties. That doesn't mean you cannot provide, but the OP in this case thinks she needs to rush into having kids because a lot of her friends and family are doing it. We're just saying that there's no rush to having kids by choice as circumstances are more ideal by late twenties and early thirties. 2
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Everyone has already pretty much said what I would say in rregards to giving you advice. If he's not ready, then hes not ready. Maybe clarify with him before you go further in the marriage. I'm posting because a lot of the things people are saying struck me a little. Everyones situation is different. I'm a young mother myself. Very young, in the eyes of society. But I am not single, nor do I feel that my, or my sons life, is in ruin. I'm a good mother and my son has a fantastic father. I may not experience things in the same order as all of you here, but I am not silly for having a child. We have a home, we have a good financial situation, we do our research. All im saying is just because I had a child before I turned 23 doesn't mean he's brought into a less than optimal living situation. Every life is different. Just my $.02. I agree! I had my son at 20 and a work injury prevented me from working for a long period. We were properly broke, but the mortgage got paid and my son never went without. I am so glad I had him when I did. Parenting is so much FUN when you're younger. You worry less and throw yourself in to it more, in my view. It's worked out really well for us, anyway.
Janesays Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I agree! I had my son at 20 and a work injury prevented me from working for a long period. We were properly broke, but the mortgage got paid and my son never went without. I am so glad I had him when I did. Parenting is so much FUN when you're younger. You worry less and throw yourself in to it more, in my view. It's worked out really well for us, anyway. There are always exceptions to every rule, but that doesn't mean we should ignore statistics when giving advice. For every young Mother that had an easy time about it, I'm sure there are 10 who would sing a different tune. For every kid who looks back and says, 'I never went without!' There are 10 more like me who say, "I went hungry, I went without clothing and the stress of being a young Mother drove MY Mother to abuse me." I am truely glad that women like you made it work. But understand that makes you exceptional. You are not the norm. If you care about future generations, why not help people set themselves up to succeed? Can you still win the race if you start a mile behind everyone else? Sure, in rare circumstances. But my advice is to start at the starting line and give yourself and your future children the very best shot possible. 1
pink_sugar Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 OP, is this also your first relationship? You've been together just as long as my husband and I, which has been my only relationship so far. Not saying it won't work out, but it's rare when a first relationship lasts forever. In a few years you might find you share different views on more than just kids...which is another good reason to wait. I got married at almost 19 and almost 6 years later, I think 100% differently than I did then. I'm just starting to feel very certain of what I want in life at almost 25 and I'm glad I didn't rush into any urges to have kids when I was madly in lust. One of the best decisions I've ever made, despite all the mistakes I have made in my married life. Give it a few more years. Ask your husband ideally when he'd like to have kids if not right now. If you are 25/26 and still really want kids, go for it. Just make sure your hubby is on board or at that point you can decide if the marriage is worth keeping.
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 There are always exceptions to every rule, but that doesn't mean we should ignore statistics when giving advice. For every young Mother that had an easy time about it, I'm sure there are 10 who would sing a different tune. For every kid who looks back and says, 'I never went without!' There are 10 more like me who say, "I went hungry, I went without clothing and the stress of being a young Mother drove MY Mother to abuse me." I'm very, very interested in the stats for this please. Could you post? The OP might find it useful too.
Janesays Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'm very, very interested in the stats for this please. Could you post? The OP might find it useful too. Jeez. Is everyone's Google button broken but mine? Anyway, my advice is Google the divorce stats for people who marry as young as the OP. Then read some of the MANY research papers discussing what happens to children with zero or part time dads. Hint: higher levels of poverty, higher rates of criminology, lower Iq, the chance of becoming a high school drop out or teen parent increases, etc. If you want to read a very specific article to the Op's situation, I would suggest STARTING WITH 'Childhood poverty, early motherhood and adult social exclusion' which specfically focuses on Mother's in thier early 20's. If you are into reading actual scientific research, you will know that direct linking will not work as studies are long (sometimes book long!) and not type written on wepages. You will instead have to go to websites of various scientific research journals and download the pdf's. If you spend even 5 minutes googling for yourself, I'm sure you'll find the research plentiful and enlightening.
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Jeez. Is everyone's Google button broken but mine? Anyway, my advice is Google the divorce stats for people who marry as young as the OP. Then read some of the MANY research papers discussing what happens to children with zero or part time dads. Hint: higher levels of poverty, higher rates of criminology, lower Iq, the chance of becoming a high school drop out or teen parent increases, etc. If you want to read a very specific article to the Op's situation, I would suggest STARTING WITH 'Childhood poverty, early motherhood and adult social exclusion' which specfically focuses on Mother's in thier early 20's. If you are into reading actual scientific research, you will know that direct linking will not work as studies are long (sometimes book long!) and not type written on wepages. You will instead have to go to websites of various scientific research journals and download the pdf's. If you spend even 5 minutes googling for yourself, I'm sure you'll find the research plentiful and enlightening. I see. (10 chars)
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