Peter55 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) My ex girlfriend and I broke up last Saturday. It wasn't a shock but I expected her to want to work things out at least. We are both in Medical school and started dating last December. It was fun at first, we studied together and did so many things together. I started to develop feelings for her and I knew she was crazy about me too. We have so many things in common but I wont bore you with any of that stuff! At the end of the semester she had a one month obligation to the army, which she had joined to pay for school. It was until she was gone when I realized how much i liked her. When she came back she was not the same. she was distant and I felt like she didn't want the relationship anymore. She was never an affectionate person to begin with but now it was more than that. So I asked her what was going on. She said nothing was wrong and that she was probably just tired. I started to think I did something and maybe it was my fault. Her attitude persisted and I asked her again. This time she said she was having second thoughts about being in a relationship and didn't want to get serious. So I got my stuff and left her house. I told her she is either committed or not and not to waste my time. She called and said she wanted to be with me. Damage was done to me and I had a hard time trusting her. I decided it was worth trying to work things out. The next few months were great and I believe I treated her well. We both started school and we were both really busy. We only hung out once or twice a week. Then a few weeks ago I started to get that weird vibe again from her. One night after we went to the movies I asked her again whats up and she said she was stressed with school and didn't have anytime. I was really understanding and asked what I could do to help her. Then she brought up a bunch of negative things about stuff that I've done in the past. It was almost as if she was trying to get mad at me. It was really confusing. So I asked if she even wanted the relationship anymore. She didn't respond and gave me a bunch of bs type answers. She said she didn't have time for a relationship and that she didn't have the energy to put anything into it. I said to her all i need to know is if you wanna be with me or not. I also told her we can work on the schedule and I even offered to help. But she didn't care. She even said that I was just saying that I wanted to help but I really wasn't going to help her. We never had closure with the conversation. In the morning I left her place and we didn't talk for a few days. She contacts me later in the week and asks to hang out. I didn't know what to expect but I agreed to hanging out even though I was upset. The whole night she was affectionate and very nice but did not bring up our previous conversation. I thought ok maybe this is her way of saying she is committed. It was an awesome night and we slept together. I was thinking everything was great and maybe she just had a hard week of school. In the morning she brings up the conversation I was expecting to have and she was kinda of wishy-washy. She was dancing around the subject. At that point I had enough. I asked her "Do you wanna break up?" She said yes. I was kinda shocked, confused, and upset. I didn't beg. I didn't ask why. I only said "I think I should leave then". I got up and left her. It was really hard but I knew I had to leave before I turned into some weak, pathetic version of myself. She sent me a message a few minutes later saying how she loved me but she couldn't commit to me. I never responded. I wanted to say something but I knew not to. I went NC right away. This week has been really hard and I think about her a lot. I have my ups and downs. I also just realized that I still have stuff at her place and I have a key to her place. I don't want to contact her and I also don't really care about my stuff over there. What should I do? Thanks in advance for any advice! Edited October 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
pinkie Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 make a list of all your items, so that when you go, you know where everything is. If the door locks, leave the key inside. If it doesn't, leave the key in a mailbox, or under the mat and send a simple text stating "your key is ___________". Or... go get your belongings. (with her busy schedule, it shouldn't matter) and mail the key to her. whether you care about your stuff or not... get them out of her space and be done with it.
headinthecloud Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Return the key and forget the stuff (if you really don't need it). You deserve someone who is honest. I'm sorry youre going through this but NC is the best way to move on and heal.
HorseLuck Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry you're going through this. You done a good job so far. Sounds like she was just pulling you along, going hot and cold. Then was a coward to approach the situation directly. Leaving your items at her place may give her a reason to try to drop them off or contact you to get them. I would just get them one day when you know she isn't home and leave the key with a note saying you picked up your stuff. That will minimize future contact and if you don't care for the items you can toss them yourself. Edited October 28, 2013 by HorseLuck
Author Peter55 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 So I decided that just showing up to her house would just be weird. So text her to exchange our stuff. I figured we go to the same school and we are bound to run into each other sometime. So we met at school to exchange the items. I am really glad that we met and that we talked but it has made it harder for me. She also said so many confusing things too. Can someone please explain this to me? She said that she loves me and cares for me so much and it's not that she doesn't wanna be with me, it's because she can't. She said school takes to much out of her and she can't commit. I was never demanding and we only hung out once a week. She also admitted this was all her fault and she takes full responsibility. I don't regret talking to her but it has made it harder and I feel like I have more questions now than before. I am really struggling with this any advice?
aybc123 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 If she really wanted to be with you it wouldnt matter how busy she was she'd make time and love hanging out. She's only having doubts now because to be honest you've handled it like a champ and is feeling the withdrawl of your affection/ security blanket. If you try to go back you'll be right back where you were.
HorseLuck Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) So I decided that just showing up to her house would just be weird. So text her to exchange our stuff. I figured we go to the same school and we are bound to run into each other sometime. So we met at school to exchange the items. I am really glad that we met and that we talked but it has made it harder for me. She also said so many confusing things too. Can someone please explain this to me? She said that she loves me and cares for me so much and it's not that she doesn't wanna be with me, it's because she can't. She said school takes to much out of her and she can't commit. I was never demanding and we only hung out once a week. She also admitted this was all her fault and she takes full responsibility. I don't regret talking to her but it has made it harder and I feel like I have more questions now than before. I am really struggling with this any advice? All I get from this is that it sounds like she's basing her decision off of fear or wants to flake. I'm going off of possibilities, there could be many reasons. She's afraid she'll disappoint you. Fearful of you rejecting her. The idea of putting continued effort into a committed relationship sounds daunting to her while in med school and she no longer wants to. She has emotional attachment issues..self-esteem issues. She met someone else while she was in the army, or something happened that affected her. You've done well, kudos for meeting with her. The best thing you can do is respect her request and give yourself space. Occupy your time, which shouldn't be a problem in med school. You might get closure one day from her.. if she feels guilty enough to explain, or regrets her decision. Generally how these things turn out when there isn't a major fallout that causes it to end. Edited October 30, 2013 by HorseLuck
Author Peter55 Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 I need a little advice. The whole story is above. One thing I left out... The day we exchanged our stuff I told her not to contact me unless she wants to work things out. I told her not to contact me for any other reason. I've maintained NC but it is so hard. I've been focusing on myself and trying to stay busy but I can't stop thinking about her. A few days ago I received a text from her. It messed me up because of course I am probably over analyzing it. She said she had some school materials, notes, charts for me and asked when I would like to meet up so she can give them to me. I responded with "I already got stuff from other people but thanks." She asked if I was sure.. I said yes and it was not necessary. Then she said she would just save all of them and give them to me at the end of the year. What are your thoughts?
Never Again Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 It's breadcrumbs, nothing more. She's checking to see if you'll respond and what you think of her. It's for her benefit, not yours. Just leave it. If you feel obligated to respond, take your time and be business-like. Ignore whenever you can. 1
Author Peter55 Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 I'm not sure why I'm struggling so bad with a relationship that was only 10 months. I try to think of only the negatives and that gets me angry and upset but I always come back to the sad I miss her stage.. I also feel like I didn't really get a solid reason for breaking up. She just said school is so hard and she doesn't have the energy to put into a relationship. I know that's a lie! I even called her out on it but she denied everything. She said she still love me so much. BS!!! If she really did she wouldn't have left. She also said it wasn't someone else. Now I'm starting to think that's what it might be. Nothing else makes sense.. Also, a week before we broke up we had an argument and all she did was complain how we never hung out. But then she said she was to busy with school. Then she picked me apart for every little thing. It was as if she was trying to find a reason to be mad at me. Guys I'm really struggling right now. I barely sleep. I still try to study and work out but I'm a mess. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Author Peter55 Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 Is this a grass is greener situation?
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I picked my ex husband apart like crazy when I left him. I know now it was my way of dealing with my guilt. I didn't want to hurt him but when you leave someone who still loves you, it does hurt. Stop asking why.....you won't get the answer you want or need. It's like having an itch for which there is not scratch. No relief. Just be still. Feel the hurt and know it WILL pass. Stop denying. 10 months IS long enough to love someone, so dont minimize or judge the length and compare it to the way you "ought" to feel. Just feel...it hurts, it sucks..but it will heal and you will recover.
Never Again Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 BigGirlPantiesOn is right. You'll never get the answers you want, and 10 months is plenty long. Time is your friend and your enemy here. Just keep moving forward.
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